[ The show opens with a bare stage. There isn't even a backdrop -- just the brick "back wall" of the theater, with some ladders, light switches, and a door marked EXIT. Kermit enters, humming to himself and idly flicking on some lights. He suddenly catches sight of the audience. ]

Kermit

Dum dum de dum de dum dum... (gasp!) Oh my gosh! It's time for the show! Oh, where is everybody? Uh. Ahem. Hi there! I'm Kermit the Frog, and we're, uh... well, we're almost ready. Well. [ He calls off stage. ] Fozzie? Gonzo? Piggy?

[ The Picture Phone wheels onstage -- a giant TV screen with a phone attached. The phone rings, and when Kermit answers it, Mickey Mouse appears on the Picture Phone's screen, sitting at his desk in his office. ]

Kermit

Hello?

Mickey

Kermit? Hiya, Kermit! It's Mickey!

Kermit

Mickey?

Mickey

I'm calling on the Picture Phone to see how the show's going.

Kermit

Uh... It's going, uh, great! Just great!

Mickey

How does the audience like it?

Kermit

They -- they love it! Just listen to this applause! [ He holds out the phone and motions for applause. ]

Mickey

Sounds swell! I can't wait to see it.

Kermit

Me too...

Mickey

What'd ya say?

Kermit

Uh, nothing, Mickey -- listen, I've gotta run! Uh... bye now!

Mickey

So long!

[ Kermit hangs up, and Mickey disappears. ]

Kermit

Oh. This is terrible. I can't do this show alone. I know -- the gang can't be far. I'll call 'em.

[ He picks up the Picture Phone receiver. Lily Tomlin appears, as Ernestine the operator. ]

Lily

A gracious hello. This is your Walt Disney World Picture Phone operator. How may I be of assistance?

Kermit

Uh. Well, you see...

Lily

Maybe you'd like a reservation at the Chefs Du France restaurant. They have a special on... frog's legs. [ She chortles. ]

Kermit

Look, you don't understand.

Lily

Sir, we at the phone company are trained to be understanding.

Kermit

Oh, good. Well, I'm trying to reach Miss Piggy.

Lily

Would that call be person to person?

Kermit

No, it's more like frog to pig.

Lily

Frog to pig. To each his own. I'll connect you.

[ Lily disappears, and we see Miss Piggy lounging in her bathrobe, talking into a phone. Her hair is up in a hairnet, her face is covered in beauty mud, and she and Foo Foo are chowing down on a box of chocolates. "I Feel Pretty" is playing in the background. This film insert is the real Piggy puppet, by the way. ]

Piggy

Bonjour!

Kermit

Piggy? It's me, Kermit!

Piggy

Kermie, cherie, how are vous?

Kermit

Terrible! The show's started! Where are you?

Piggy

Oh, Kermie, I am so sorry. But right now, I'm in an important business meeting with, uh, some of the Disney executives. You know -- show biz?

Kermit

Piggy, this is a Picture Phone! We can see you!

[ Piggy looks directly at the camera. She screams and throws something over the camera. ]

Piggy

AAAAAAAHHHH! I'll be right there!

[ The call disconnects. ]

Kermit

Great. Okay, that's one down.

[ He picks up the phone again, and Lily appears. ]

Lily

A gracious good aft -- oh, it's you again.

Kermit

Uh... listen, could you please connect me to Fozzie Bear?

Lily

Oh, my my my. Aren't we in a rush! Proper phone connections take time.

Kermit

I'm sorry.

Lily

You don't know what sorry is.

[ Lily disappears, and we see a film insert of Fozzie, standing at a pay phone. ]

Fozzie

Hello?

Kermit

Fozzie! Where are you?

Fozzie

Kermit! Oh, Kermit! I don't know where I am. I'm sorry, but I cannot make it to the show, because I am completely, and totally, and utterly, LOST!

Kermit

Well... Fozzie? See that green door behind you?

Fozzie

Yes.

Kermit

Go through it.

Fozzie

Okay... I'm going through it...

[ The Picture Phone hangs up as Fozzie goes through the door... and we see the big costume version of Fozzie enter through the door onstage. He runs up to Kermit. ]

Fozzie

Oh, no, Kermit! You're lost too!

Kermit

Fozzie, this is the stage! Look!

Fozzie

Ohhhh... I knew that! Aaaaaah! Hiya hiya! Thank you, thank you, and thank you!

Kermit

Oh, good. Now, where's everybody else?