Tough Pigs Anthology

 

The Decline and Fall  

of Gorch

Part One: The Decline

June 2002

   

The Gorch Anthology

Anthology Contents

 

Chapter 6.  I Got You, Babe!

 

in which Scred falls for Lily Tomlin

 

(November 22, 1975 -- host Lily Tomlin)

 

 

[ King Ploobis is slurping out of a bowl. ]

 

Ploobis

 

Mmmm. Scred? Where's Scred? There's glitches in my milk. I had to milk the damn gorkon myself. Where's Scred?

 

[ Queen Peuta enters, wearing a hairnet. ]

 

Peuta

 

I don't know where he is. I've been looking for him all morning. He was supposed to give me an impermanent. You know, dear, I wouldn't be at all surprised if he had left.

 

Ploobis

 

Left? What do you mean by that?

 

Peuta

 

Well, he's been going around all week with that faraway look in his eyes... and he keeps singing the most sappy, ridiculous songs to himself! I think he's in love.

 

Ploobis

 

Scred? In love?

 

Peuta

 

Mmm hmmm.

 

Ploobis

 

The last time he fell in love was when he went head over heels for Fran Allison. Remember that? He formed the Gorch chapter of the Kukla, Fran and Ollie club.

 

Peuta

 

Hah hah. Yes, that's right -- he was gone for a week when he went to New York to try and get on her show!

 

Ploobis

 

Wait a minute. You don't suppose... Grrrurrrhhh. Come with me. We'll check out his place.

 

Peuta

 

That's a good idea.

 

Ploobis

 

It's right over here. Yeah. See this, this crater right here -- that's where he lives. Now, you get down there, see, you're small enough... [ Ploobis pushes Peuta down into Scred's crater. ] Whoops! I'll push... Get down there... You down there?

 

Peuta

 

[ down there: ] Yeah, I'm down here -- but what a mess! I've never seen such a thing! [ She clatters around. ] Ah HAH! What's this, hanging over his bed?

 

Ploobis

 

What's that? Grrrurrrhh! [ Peuta passes a framed photo up to Ploobis. ] It's a picture of Lily Tomlin!

 

Peuta

 

I'll see what else I can find... uh oh! And what's this in his waste basket? [ She passes another photo up. ]

 

Ploobis

 

What's that? Why -- it's his old picture of Fran Allison!

 

Peuta

 

Ah hah! I'll see if I can find any more clues in this rubble. Let me see, let me see... ah hah, Ploobis, I think I've found it! Look what was lying on his writing desk! [ She tosses up a crumpled piece of paper. ]

 

Ploobis

 

Well, it's, uh... looks like the first draft of a letter to Lily Tomlin!

 

 

 

[ Peuta pops up from the crater and reads the letter over Ploobis' shoulder. ]

 

Ploobis

 

It says, Dear Lily: I have watched with enchantment your beautiful image, when I can sneak away from my loathsome, degrading, filthy job. 

 

 

 

[ Peuta gasps. ]

 

Peuta

 

Read on, read on.

 

Ploobis

 

Yes. It says, mi amore enchante, je t'aime, je t'aime. Hunnhh. It says, PS, Be mine tonight, your slave in love, Scred. And then down at the bottom, it says, PS, X X X X.

 

Peuta

 

Oh! He's in love with Lily Tomlin!

 

Ploobis

 

Grrrunnhh. She has my sympathies.

 

 

 

[ Cut to: Scred cuddling up with Lily Tomlin, onstage in front of a black background. Lily is sitting on a stool, with Scred next to her. Scred puts his arm around her. ]

 

Scred

 

Lily?

 

Lily

 

Yes?

 

Scred

 

I've tried in so many little ways all week to tell you what a gas it's been to hang out with you.

 

Lily

 

Oh, yes you have, and I've enjoyed it myself, Scred. Um. It's just that... it's something I've been meaning to talk to you about...

 

Scred

 

Oh?

 

Lily

 

Uh... well, it's...

 

Scred

 

Spit it out! Spit it out!

 

Lily

 

Okay.

 

Scred

 

No secrets, Lily.

 

Lily

 

No, no secrets. Um -- I hope... I want you to understand... that it's, uh... well, it's difficult... not that I don't like you a lot... but it's difficult for a woman in my position...

 

Scred

 

Yes, yes?

 

Lily

 

To, um, well, to have my name linked romantically with a puppet.

 

Scred

 

Ohhhhh! Hey, that's no problem! Yeah, I feel the same way.

 

Lily

 

Well, thanks.

 

 

 

[ Music starts... ]

 

Scred

 

Yeah! We should keep it light! Easy.

 

Lily

 

Well, thank you, Scred.

 

 

 

[ Lily starts to sing. ]

 

Lily

 

They say we're young, and we don't know

We won't find out until we grow

 

Scred

 

Yeah, but I don't know if all that's true,

Cause you've got me, and baby, I got you!

 

L & S

 

Babe -- I got you, babe!

I got you, babe!

 

Lily

 

I got flowers in the spring

 

Scred

 

Yeah! And I got you to wear my ring

 

Lily

 

And when I'm sad, you're a clown!

 

Scred

 

And if I get scared...

You're always around!

 

Lily

 

So let them say your hair's too long

I don't care, with you I can't go wrong

 

Scred

 

Oh, Lily -- Put your little hand in mine

There ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb!

 

L & S

 

Babe -- I got you, babe!

I got you, babe!

 

Lily

 

[ hugs Scred close and whispers: ]

I got you, babe!

 

Scred

 

[ whispers in Lily's ear: ]

I got you, babe!

 

 

 

[ Scred produces a single red rose, which he hands to Lily. She's delighted. ]

 

Lily

 

Ohh! Scred, thank you.

 

Scred

 

Oh, Lily...

 

Lily

 

Thank you...

 

[ They snuggle as the music ends. ]

 

 

illustration by Chris Smigliano 

 

Gorch Fact

   When they air reruns of Saturday Night Live's first season -- and cut each 90-minute episode down to an hour -- the Muppet sketch usually gets cut. The Scred-Lily duet is an exception; this sketch is just so winning and cute that it gets to stay in the reruns. The Ploobis/Peuta intro is cut out, though, so it looks like the sketch begins with Scred nuzzling up to Lily. 

   Cutting the intro isn't much of a loss, really. It isn't particularly funny, and it repeats the point about three times. Looks to me like they paid Jim Henson to be in the episode, and by golly, they were going to use him, whether they needed him or not.

   By the way, that "having my name linked romantically to a puppet" line is a reference to the rumors that Lily Tomlin was a lesbian -- rumors that turned out to be true when she came out in the mid-90's, and publicly affirmed that her collaborator Jane Wagner is also her life partner.

 

 

The Gorch Anthology concludes in July...

Find out what happens when

puppets get fired on live TV!

 

The Gorch Anthology

Anthology Contents

 

 

Danny@ToughPigs.com