[ Backstage... Scred and Ploobis sneak in. ]

Scred

C'mon in, chief, the coast is clear.

Ploobis

Rrruhhr? Yeah. Gee, I wonder why they wouldn't let us in the studio?

Scred

Mmm, I dunno. Probably the guard just didn't recognize us.

Ploobis

Well, that's very strange... cause they all know and love us! Everybody loves the Muppets!

Scred

[ unconvinced ]  Mmm hmmm.

Ploobis

Here, listen, Scred -- [ He grabs Scred by the neck and throttles him ] -- We're loveable! Never forget that, Scred! Mmmrrmm. [ He releases Scred. ]

Scred

Yes, oh affectionate one!

Ploobis

We'll just have to find somebody and ask 'em when we come in the show, that's all.

Scred

Hey, here's somebody now.

[ Guest host Raquel Welch enters. ]

Raquel

Well, hi there! You're the Muppets, aren't you?

Ploobis

Uh, yes, yes! That is indeed us, yes.

Raquel

Oh, I always thought you people were so loveable.

Ploobis

Ya hear that, Scred?  [ POW! ]  That's true, lady, yeah. We're known far and wide for being loveable.

Scred

Hey, chief, that lady is Raquel Welch!

[ Ploobis turns and checks her out. ]

Ploobis

Oh... oh, yeah. Well, uh, ahem. Yeah. You sure are Raquel Welch... all over, aren't you. Ahmmm.

[ Scred strokes her arm. ]

Scred

Feels like Raquel Welch, too!

Raquel

Careful, there.

Ploobis

Uh. You know, uh. Ahem. You know, we Muppets are very, very loveable. I mean.  [ He snuggles up to her. ]

Scred

[ whispering in her ear ]  Relax, baby. Relax.

Ploobis

You know, as a matter of fact, until you've made it with a Muppet, uh...

[ Applause. Raquel laughs. ]

Raquel

Uh, uh... wait a minute, lover. Are you talking about making love to me?

[ Ploobis and Scred giggle. ]

Ploobis

Well, uh... heh heh...

Raquel

Because -- you guys are just puppets, right? I mean, you don't even exist below the waist.

P & S

Uh... well...

[ They look down, nervously. ]

Raquel

I mean, all you are is the top half of a person, right?

Ploobis

Well, uh... yeah, but, uh...

Raquel

So that kind of makes you just a lot of talk. All talk, right?

Scred

Well, I'm pretty good with my hands!

Raquel

I've noticed.

[ Chevy Chase enters. ]

Chevy

Uh... I'm sorry, boys. Ploobis, Scred?

Scred

Yeah?

Chevy

You're not on this week, I'm sorry.

Ploobis

Yeah, but we're supposed to be... we work this show...

Chevy

Yeah, I know, but I guess you didn't get the call. I'm sorry, Raquel -- is everything okay?

Raquel

Oh, yeah, it's okay. They're just all talk anyway.

Ploobis

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Hunnh. I'm leaving!

[ Ploobis exits. ]

Raquel

Awww...

Scred

Oh, uh... I'm sorry about this, Raquel. And, uh, by the way, I just want to apologize for what I said before, because I can see you get hit on all the time.

Raquel

Yeah, but never by a Muppet before.

Scred

Oh, well, if you'd like my number --

[ Chevy grabs Scred's snout. ]

Chevy

Scred? Scred? You're not on this week. Okay?

[ He pushes Scred offstage. ]

Chevy

I'm very sorry about that. They didn't know, nobody gave them the call -- I think the bees or the sharks are on, or something's on, but you're doing very well so far, everybody loves the show, the song was great, and uh, all I can say is, relax, and, uh, take your shirt off.

Raquel

Well...

Chevy

Well, Raquel, this is your right as an American. You don't have to. You don't have to do that.

Raquel

All right. I don't have to, right?

Chevy

No, you don't have to.

Raquel

Cause this is a tasteful show with a lot of class, right?... Now, ladies and gentlemen, I am very pleased to introduce to you a lovely lady, in fact, a genius in the world of contemporary music, Miss Phoebe Snow...

[ Backstage, in a cobwebby corridor. Scred and Ploobis enter. ]

Ploobis

Oh, Mighty Favog! Are you in here anywhere?

[ Just offstage, The Mighty Favog coughs. ]

Favog

I'M OVER HEAH!

Scred

He's over here, chief.

Ploobis

I heard his voice...

Scred

Yeah, yeah. Oh wow!

[ They find The Mighty Favog sitting on a crate, abandoned and covered in cobwebs. ]

Ploobis

Oh! Oh, Mighty Favog!

Favog

TALK TA ME.

Ploobis

Listen. Things are in a terrible state?

Favog

YER TELLIN' ME?

Ploobis

Listen. Our land of Gorch is gone forever.

Scred

Yeah, they burned our scenery.

Ploobis

They burned our scenery... we're no longer booked on the show... and they said, they said we're puppets, and we don't even have a lower half. So what do we do?

Favog

DON'T LOOK DOWN.

Scred

Ohhh... This is terrible! Our world is coming to an end!

Favog

YA WANT YER GOD'S ADVICE?

P & S

Oh, please! Please!

Favog

DON'T BEG... MY ADVICE IS --

Ploobis

Yeah?

Favog

FORGET IT.

Scred

Huh?

Ploobis

Forget it? What do you mean, forget it?

Favog

I MEAN FORGET IT. PACK IT IN. QUIT.

Scred

Oh, no. No, no.

Ploobis

We can't do that.

Favog

SURE YA CAN. LISTEN. YOU'RE ONLY PUPPETS. YOU'RE NOT EVEN REAL. YOU JUST GET PUT AWAY IN THE TRUNK.

Ploobis

Oh! Oh! Scred -- I can't handle this, Scred.

Scred

Oh, Mighty Favog... where's the trunk.

Favog

IT'S RIGHT OVER THERE.

Ploobis

Oh, no! Not the trunk, anything but the trunk!

Favog

IT DON'T HURT TO GET IN THE TRUNK. PUPPETS DON'T HAVE FEELINGS.

Ploobis

Oh... do you believe this is really happening?

Favog

JUST OPEN IT UP, AND GET RIGHT IN...

Ploobis

It's latched... just a sec...

[ They try to open a big prop trunk, but they have trouble... ]

Favog

YA CAN'T OPEN IT, YOU'RE PUPPETS!

Ploobis

We'll get it in a minute!

Scred

Just rip it open! You're strong.

[ They manage to get the trunk open. ]

Scred

Oh, look! Everybody else is already in here! Hiya, Wisss! Haven't seen you since November. 

Ploobis

Oh, look at that.

[ Peuta pops up in the trunk. ]

Peuta

Ploobis! Where have you been?

Ploobis

Oh, it's been one of those days, Peuta.

Scred

Everybody shove over, we're comin' in...

Peuta

Oh! Ploobis! You can't get in here! There's no room to breathe!

Ploobis

Peuta... you're a puppet. You don't breathe, you're not alive.

Peuta

What?

Ploobis

Oh, I don't want to talk about it. Just get down here...

Scred

Oh! Wait a minute, I'm not in yet!

Ploobis

Get in here, Scred... Oh! There's Vazh... Hi there, Vazh, how are ya... 

[ The trunk closes. The Mighty Favog is the only one left. ]

Favog

NOW. IF I COULD JUST TALK THE PRODUCER INTO LETTING ME HOST THE SHOW... RAHHHHRRR...