Jon

It's an honor to welcome to this show... Kermit the Frog. Kermit?

Kermit

Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you, Jon. Hi, everybody!

Jon

How are you, Kerm?

Kermit

I am so happy to be here. Aww, this is a thrill. Jon, I'm sorry -- I nearly missed my box here.

Jon

Your -- I'm sorry?

Kermit

I have to stand on a box. 

Jon

Oh, that's right.

Kermit

Well, they didn't have a toadstool. Ha ha ha... I know, it's not that funny, but... you know, I used to be funny, Jon.

Jon

That's all right. Y'know what? If I licked you...

Kermit

Yes?

Jon

I think everything would be funny, wouldn't it? 

Kermit

If you licked me?

Jon

Yeah, isn't that the whole thing -- if you lick a frog, you get crazy thoughts?

Kermit

If you lick a frog, you're crazy before you started. Of course, that wart thing, that's an old wives' tale. 

Jon

Is it? Now, did you ever, when you had, let's say, girlfriends -- I know you've been out with Piggy for a long time -- was there ever a fear of warts in that relationship? 

Kermit

Well...

Jon

Or did you ever fear that you would get, let's say, trichinosis, or anything along those lines?

Kermit

Yeah. Yeah. You have to be very careful about that, but I always, ah, wore protection. So, it was all right. In fact, I'm wearing protection now. [pause, no one laughs] Never mind. Ahem. Hah! Y'know, it's great to be on late night, Jon. It's a whole different thing for me.

Jon

I had no idea.

Kermit

Yeah -- well, I didn't either. But here we are. 

Jon

This is sort of a Kermit Unleashed, which I don't think I've seen before. 

Kermit

Yeah, well, maybe we'll just... just start over again, how about that? Why don't you introduce me, and I'll show up again. 

Jon

Can I tell you something?

Kermit

You can.

Jon

The kids at home expect this kind of language from you now. 

Kermit

You think so?

Jon

Well, they -- y'know, ever since Bert and Ernie came out. 

Kermit

Oh, well.

Jon

Y'know, it was the kind of thing... 

Kermit

Yeah... I am in so much trouble, y'know?

Jon

You wanna come back out? 

Kermit

I am in SO much trouble.

Jon

All right. Ready? KERMIT THE FROG!

Kermit

Thank you! Thank you very much! Yaaay. 

Jon

Tell me this, Kermit... We're very excited to have you here...

Kermit

Thank you. 

Jon

What are you plugging? Tell me what the project is. 

Kermit

You know? For once in my life, I'm here, I'm not plugging a doggone thing, Jon.

Jon

You're kidding me.

Kermit

I'm just here cause I like ya.

Jon

Seriously?

Kermit

Yeah, seriously. I'm not plugging anything.

Jon

Can I tell you something, especially this close to Valentine's Day -- my heart is filled with a little bit of joy right now.

Kermit

Really. I think I see it running down the front of your shirt.

Jon

I thought you were gonna behave.

Kermit

I am. I'm all right now. 

Jon

How many years has the Muppet Show -- or the new Muppet Show, I should say -- been on the air?

Kermit

Well, actually, there is no new Muppet Show yet. But, uh, I guess I could plug it, since I don't have anything else to plug. 

Jon

Could I say this?... What is different about... Why am I looking at you?

Kermit

I don't know. People often do. It's okay. No, Jon, it's all right. Many -- many people have looked at me. It's all right.

Jon

... You're stronger than I thought you were.

Kermit

Yeah. I've been working out, y'know? 

Jon

Clearly. Let me -- let me ask you this.

Kermit

Yeah?

Jon

First of all... uh... I don't want to say it, because this is probably the wrong thing to bring up, but... I've dissected things that look just like you.

Kermit

Well, you're right, that was the wrong thing to bring up, Jon... actually... um...

Jon

So I know your whole muscular structure, and the whole...

Kermit

Um... Ahem. Okay. Should I come out again? No, no, go ahead. No. I'm fine. I'm fine.

Jon

Let me ask you this.

Kermit

Ask me, Jon. Ask me.

Jon

The new Muppet Show. When's that start?

Kermit

Well, we haven't even started shooting the darn thing yet. But when we do, folks, it's gonna be terrific, and it's going to have all the old Muppets, and lots of new Muppets...

Jon

Who's in it? Give me some of the old guys that are coming back.

Kermit

Well, let's see, there'll be Statler and Waldorf -- the two old guys who sit up in the box and make fun of Fozzie Bear.  

Jon

Those guys are great!

Kermit

That's right.

Jon

Now, they -- and I don't mean to be rude about this, but they were clearly in their eighties twenty years ago...

Kermit

Yeah, well...

Jon

Now... at this point, do they have much juice left?

Kermit

Not a lot.

Jon

Are you going to cut to them, and they're just gonna go... arrrrghhh... 

Kermit

That's about it, yes. In fact, they've never left that box. They're actually attached to the chairs, so they don't go anyplace. 

Jon

Who are some of the other guys?

Kermit

Well, I'll be there, of course. And my nephew -- remember my nephew, Robin? Little Robin the Frog? He'll be there. And hopefully Fozzie will be there. We're trying to get Miss Piggy.

Jon

Now, you and Piggy, you have a -- what's the conflict there? Do you think you'll be able to get her? 

Kermit

Well, I don't know. She's just sort of started pursuing her own things. She's in Hong Kong right now, buying some clothing... But she's actually there trying to sell a new film. It's called Crouching Swine, Hidden Frog. And I'm sort of hoping she doesn't sell it, cause I'll be there with her. Ahem. But, anyway.

Jon

Are you upset that you haven't gotten the Oscar nod? Is this a difficult time for you, when Hollywood is going out and presenting all of these awards shows. Is that tough on you?

Kermit

It is a little hard sometimes. I've been in show business a long time, y'know?

Jon

You seem the color of envy because of it. I don't know if that's...

Kermit

Yeah. And us frogs have been overlooked a lot, you know? We've had a bias against us ever since The Ten Commandments. You know, we were one of the original plagues in that film. They cut us right out.

Jon

And I thought locusts really took off after that. 

Kermit

Yeah. I don't know.

Jon

Well, listen, I think things couldn't be going better for you... Obviously, the new Muppet Show, getting back with your old friends again. It must be terrific. It's like the Stones. 

Kermit

And I'm here with you. That's pretty darn good. I like being on The Daily Show.

Jon

Is it -- are you lying to me?

Kermit

No, I'm serious.

Jon

You know, I can usually look into someone's eyes, and tell if they're lying to me. With you, it's really -- you're hard to read.

Kermit

Yeah, we frogs, we never blink, Jon. You know, I think that's it. We just have direct eye contact.

Jon

The ones I've known have actually never talked, either.

Kermit

Odd thing.

Jon

I'm learning a lot.

Kermit

Kind of a strange thing, that.

Jon

What do you eat?

Kermit

What do I eat?

Jon

Well...

Kermit

First you talk about my eyes, then you want to know what I eat? 

Jon

I'm just curious, cause I have a frog at home, and I'm just curious what he likes, and what he doesn't...

Kermit

What do you mean, you have a frog at home? What does THAT mean?

Jon

Nothing!

Kermit

What, do you keep him in a JAR?

Jon

No!

Kermit

What's the deal? "You have a frog"?

Jon

He's got a --

Kermit

He has a... what is that, like, "I have a woman"? What are we talking about, here?

Jon

Y'know what? I can't believe the frog's running circles around me. This is terrible. You're really pretty good at this.

Kermit

Y'know what, Jon? I can't believe it either. No, no, I know what you're saying. We eat flies, and mosquitos, and fried chicken and potatos. You know. Whatever. It's not funny, but it's true.

Jon

Somehow I think there's a song about this somewhere.

Kermit

I think there is too. But I ain't gonna sing it.

Jon

Uh... the new Muppet Show's comin' on TV when?

Kermit

No clue. But sometime hopefully within the next year. 

Jon

All right. Well, I appreciate you coming by, and you certainly did a -- a -- wonderful...

Kermit

Yeah?

Jon

[chuckling] Keep an eye out for the new Muppet Show!

Kermit

Please do!

Jon

Kermit the Frog, ladies and gentlemen!