Rizzo

THIS... is CNN!

Announcer

Welcome to Larry King Live. Tonight, master interviewer Ted Koppel. Some say he's the toughest questioner in the business. Now, see how he likes being on the other side of the firing line. Also, we go backstage at the White House with senior presidential advisor David Gergen. And, we welcome the stars of television's Thunder in Paradise, strongman Hulk Hogan and supermodel Carol Alt. Now, sitting in for Larry King, here's Kermit the Frog.

Kermit

Hi ho. Oh, down here, guys. [ The camera pans down to Kermit. ] Yeah. Hi ho, Kermit the Frog here, just like it says right there. Good evening and welcome to Larry King Live. Now, don't let these suspenders fool you, because I am not Larry King. No way. He wears glasses and he's not even green. Now, you're probably wondering why I'm sitting here instead of Larry. Well, you see, it all started a few months ago, when I was a guest on the show. Larry asked me if I would guest host the show when he went on vacation. So, well, you know, Larry's on vacation and I'm here. Now, Monday, Larry will be back and I'll be on vacation. Then, of course, on Tuesday -- 

Gonzo

[ Gonzo enters and interrupts. He's holding a clipboard. ] Kermit, Kermit, speed it up. Come on, you're running late.

Kermit

How can I be running late, Gonzo? We just started.

Gonzo

Trust me, it's got to be faster and funnier.

Kermit

Well, okay. How about if I tell the folks who our guests are tonight?

Gonzo

No, no, no, no, no. Let's see -- I've got it, why don't you tell the folks who our guests are tonight?

Kermit

Thank you.

Gonzo

Don't mention it. 

Kermit

I won't.

Gonzo

Well, go ahead.

Kermit

Okay. All right, folks. Tonight's guests are supermodel turned actress, Miss Carol Alt...

Gonzo

Ooh!

Kermit

... wrestling star turned actor, Terry Hulk Hogan...

Gonzo

Wow, macho.

Kermit

Yes. Republican turned Democrat, Mr. David Gergen...

Gonzo

Oh, you mean the counselor to the President?

Kermit

That's the guy.

Gonzo

Wow, impressive.

Kermit

And also, from the White House, a very, very special surprise guest in a rare, exclusive interview. But now, my first guest is someone that everybody knows, and he's --

Gonzo

That's much better, Kermit. Now, why don't you introduce your first guest?

Kermit

I was trying to.

Gonzo

Well, go ahead. We've only got an hour here. Sheesh.

Kermit

To call my first guest one of the greatest newscasters of all time would be an understatement. For fourteen years now, he's been anchoring a late-night talk show, and he doesn't even do a monologue. Now, we haven't seen each other since 1987, when the Muppets were special correspondents for Nightline. So, ladies and gentlemen, it is a real pleasure to welcome my good friend, Mr. Ted Koppel.

Ted

Where is Larry? Where -- where is Larry King?

Kermit

I beg pardon?

Ted

I said, where is Larry? Larry King?

Kermit

He's on vacation, Ted. I'm sorry about that.

Ted

I mean, Kermit, you know, what we did the last time is one thing. If you think I'm going to jeopardize 35 years of a professional reputation by being interviewed by a frog, you've got another thing coming.

Kermit

Listen, Ted, I'm really sorry. But I was afraid something like this might happen, because, you know, I was reading your bio, and you are the preeminent TV interviewer in America, and the undisputed, reigning lion of tough TV-interview journalism, the L.A. Times says. I was afraid you might be upset by not having Larry King here.

Ted

Well, all right -- look, Kermit, I don't mean to upset you. I mean, you were kind enough to come on Nightline some years ago.

Kermit

That's true.

Ted

So, why don't you go ahead? Give it your best shot.

Gonzo

Kermit, Kermit, you've lost control here. You're not hard enough hitting. You've got to be incisive. Look, ask him what everybody in America wants to know. Mr. Koppel --

Ted

Yes, Gonzo?

Gonzo

Is it true that that is your real hair, or are you wearing a rug?

Ted

[ tugging on his hair ] Is it not on straight?

Kermit

Wait a minute, do that again.

Gonzo

Holy toledo.

Kermit

I think perhaps that answers your question.

Gonzo

I think we've got a scoop here. Nice going. Okay, you're on your own.

Kermit

But -- but -- well, you know, one of the things I was sort of hoping to ask you about, Ted, since you've been doing this for such a long time...

Ted

Yeah.

Kermit

-- and you're very good at it -- I'm kind of new at this interview stuff. I was kind of hoping you might be able to give me a few pointers to use on the other guests tonight.

Ted

Well, actually, that's not true, Kermit. I mean, you've interviewed a lot of fairy tale characters.

Kermit

Oh, well, that's true.

Ted

I've seen you do it. And you do it very well.

Kermit

That's true. But they're a little easier than, you know, people like Hulk Hogan.

Ted

Well, absolutely. I wouldn't want to be sitting where you're -- are you sitting, as a matter of fact?

Kermit

I am sitting, yes. I'm on a -- I'm on a booster chair.

Ted

All right. I would not want to be sitting where you're sitting, if you're going to ask Hulk Hogan the question that you just asked me. 

Kermit

And I would not want to be sitting where you're sitting, if you were actually still sitting there. 

Ted

I wouldn't want to be sitting here either if he was sitting where I'm now sitting.

Kermit

Yeah, that's true. Well, listen, we have a call from Hollywood, California for you.

Ted

Good.

Kermit

Hello, Hollywood.

Piggy

[ on the phone ] Hello?

Ted

I recognize the porcine beauty herself.

Piggy

Hello, Theodore.

Ted

How are you, my love?

Piggy

Oh, just all the better for hearing vous.

Kermit

Piggy --

Ted

I have missed you. It has been -- how long did you say it was, Kermit, since we were together?

Kermit

It's been like seven years, 1987.

Piggy

Last night.

Ted

What do you mean, last night?

Kermit

Eighty-seven.

Piggy

Could I just ask you a little question, Theodore?

Ted

I would be delighted if you would ask me a little question, oh porcine one.

Piggy

Theodore, if vous had a woman --

Ted

Yes.

Piggy

-- who loved you desperately --

Ted

Yes.

Piggy

-- and you were doing a show --

Ted

Yes.

Piggy

-- and that woman wanted to be on the show to support vous --

Ted

Yes.

Piggy

-- what would vous do? Listen, Kermit.

Ted

I think... I think I would start molting. I think my felt would begin to develop a few uncomfortable patches, is what I think.

Piggy

But you would truly be supportive and excited, yes?

Ted

I would be supportive and excited.

Kermit

Piggy --

Piggy

Okay, would you tell Kermit that?

Ted

I just did.

Kermit

Yeah, we're sitting in the same room, Piggy. Ted is on the show.

Piggy

Basically, Ted, the Larry King show is too cheap to fly me out there.

Kermit

That's not true. It had nothing to do with that.

Ted

What about satellites?

Kermit

We've talked about this. We've talked about this, Piggy.

Ted

I mean, Larry brings guests in by satellite all the time.

Kermit

Well, that's true. There wasn't a satellite that could carry Miss Piggy, though.

Ted

I think you're getting in deeper trouble all the time.

Piggy

You see, Theodore?

Ted

Yes.

Piggy

Theodore, you see what he does?

Ted

Yeah, I do. Does that mean you're free now?

Piggy

No, no, no. It just means that I'm hurt.

Gonzo

No, no, it's just... Also, this set has a flimsy little wooden floor. It's not that strong. 

Kermit

That's right.

Gonzo

You wouldn't want to be here, Piggy. It wouldn't be safe for you.

Ted

Gonzo, I think you're in deep doo-doo, too.

Gonzo

Yeah, well, you know. That's where I live.

Kermit

That's a very appropriate way of putting it.

Piggy

Theodore...

Ted

Mademoiselle Piggy.

Piggy

I give you permission for a proxy karate chop.

Ted

A proxy karate chop?

Kermit

For a -- wait a second.

Ted

You mean on the Larry King look-a-like there?

Piggy

Yes. It's a legal thing, Kermit.

Kermit

It's what?

Piggy

A legal thing.

Ted

I can't... I can't reach that far, Piggy.

Kermit

You should know that Larry has quite a lot of space between he and his guests here. I think there's a good reason for that.

Ted

He's a smart fellow, Larry.

Kermit

Yup, yup.

Ted

He knows what he's doing.

Piggy

I just wanted to call, Theodore, and tell you that I would have been there personally, because moi loves vous, and vous knows that from the heart.

Ted

And sweat is beading on moi's lip at the very thought of it, that you --

Kermit

Sweat is beading on my forehead.

Piggy

I wasn't asking you, Kermit.

Kermit

I think it's a little early on the program to start getting these prank phone calls, guys.

Piggy

Excuse moi.

Kermit

Perhaps we should push the button.

Piggy

Fine, fine, push the button. I have many publicists and photographers here. I just wanted to say, Theodore --

Ted

Piggy.

Piggy

... from my heart...

Ted

And mine.

Piggy

I want you to know, I don't buy it for a second that's your hair.

Kermit

Piggy...

Ted

Piggy, we already did that number, and...

Piggy

I don't buy it.

Ted

Well, if you bought it, with what you're earning, I could afford a better one than this.

Kermit

Listen, Ted. She said the same thing to me.

Ted

Yeah, I know, but you don't have any, either.

Kermit

Well, exactly. That's my point.

Gonzo

I've got eleven.

Kermit

Gonzo...

Gonzo

I have eleven hairs. See that?

Piggy

I know there's two men talking, but sometimes a woman would like to speak.

Kermit

Oh, excuse us. We're just on live, international television in two hundred and something countries here.

Gonzo

Yeah, excuse us for not being pigs on television.

Piggy

Kermit, dear, you are the host, and the guest, Mr. Koppel, speaks, not vous.

Kermit

Yes, but unfortunately, we have this lengthy phone call. Folks, listen, we're going to have to... we're going to have to go to a break. We'll be back in a few minutes, hopefully without the call from Hollywood.

Gonzo

You handled that very well, Kermit.

Kermit

Sorry about that, Ted.

Gonzo

Nice going.

Kermit

We'll be back soon.

Gonzo

Yeah, we'll try to cut it off next time.

Ted

I thought you were quite masterful, Kermit.

Kermit

Yeah, well, I try.