Kermit

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, we are back here on Larry King Live with my very special guest, Mr. Ted Koppel. Now, Ted, I understand that you've had a very distinguished career -- up until tonight, of course. But I understand that you do some other things outside of the normal realm of what news people do, like, for instance, impressions. [ Ted stares at him. ] Hello. Are you alive?

Ted

Keep the eye contact there, Kermit, at all times. No, I don't do impressions on interview programs.

Kermit

Oh, I see, so... Oh, this is one of your tips.

Ted

What, one of the tips is not to do impressions, or not to ask your guests to do impressions?

Kermit

Well, probably both. No, the eye contact thing.

Ted

The eye contact thing, that's --

Kermit

Should I always look at people when I'm talking --

Ted

Always look -- if you sort of look them right in the eye... May I try something while you're doing that?

Kermit

Well, I suppose. 

Ted

[ He leans over to one side, and Kermit follows him. ]  Now, that's amazing. That really is amazing.

Kermit

So I just follow you wherever you go?

Ted

How do you do that?

Kermit

So I should do that with Hulk Hogan later?

Ted

I think, if you do that with Hulk Hogan, he will be mush in your hands.

Kermit

In my flippery, gooey, little hands.

Ted

Yes.

Kermit

Well, that's a good pointer. You know, I'm very good at that, because, frogs, you can't tell when they blink. We have a transparent eyelid, some of us. And I can blink without my guests knowing it.

Ted

You must be doing it, because I haven't seen you blink yet.

Kermit

I am. You'll never tell.

Ted

I never can.

Kermit

So, you don't want to do impressions?

Ted

I can't see you sweat, either.

Kermit

I want you to do an impression.

Ted

What kind of an impression would you like me to do?

Kermit

Well, let's see. Can you do somebody, like, say, a political person, a political figure?

Ted

[ doing an awfully good Ross Perot impression: ]  Well, actually, now, since you're sitting on the other side of that desk, I think maybe I ought to do Ross Perot. What do you think about Ross Perot?

Kermit

Wow.

Ted

Wow.

Kermit

That's very good.

Ted

Well, actually, it wasn't very good. But that's what you're going to get if you ask someone who doesn't do impressions for a living to do impressions.

Kermit

Yeah, well, okay. So I won't ask that question. Okay, here's another one for you.

Ted

Go to the next page.

Kermit

Yeah. Let me ask a serious question. How about that?

Ted

Go ahead?

Kermit

Now, you know, you're on a late-night television show that's on opposite people like Leno and Letterman.

Ted

Right.

Kermit

Do you sort of feel any competitive stuff going on with those guys, or is it just sort of fun?

Ted

Well, it is kind of fun. I mean, both of them, Leno and Letterman, are both very, very good. I mean, to give you a serious answer, you asked me a serious question.

Kermit

Sure.

Ted

In a sense, we're kind of lucky, because Nightline is the only program that's on at that time of night that is not, you know, an entertainment program. It's the only news program that's on at that time of night. So, we have an audience of people, just like your audience, or Larry's audience --

Kermit

Sure.

Ted

-- that is not necessarily looking for entertainment And, if I may say so, tonight that's probably a good thing.

Kermit

I think you're right.

Ted

Yeah.

Kermit

Now, how did I do?

Ted

So far, I'd say about a C-plus.

Kermit

I haven't broken eye contact, though.

Ted

You haven't broken eye contact, but you haven't reduced me to tears yet, either.

Kermit

Oh, I didn't know about that part. That must be on page three.

Ted

No, those are the Barbara Walters kind of questions.

Kermit

I see.

Ted

Do you have any of those down there?

Kermit

I don't. I don't have any Barbara Walters questions. I could ask you something about your childhood.

Ted

You could do that.

Kermit

How was your childhood?

Ted

It was lovely, thank you. How was yours?

Kermit

It was great. I was a tadpole.

Ted

Yeah?

Kermit

Yeah.

Ted

Where?

Kermit

Oh, in the swamp.

Ted

What did you... What do tadpoles do? Do they moult? I mean, how do they become --

Kermit

No, no, we just -- we start out with no legs, we grow legs, and then we hop out on the land. And then we come do late-night talk shows. It's just a common frog thing. And, by the way, I think we have another call from Hollywood. Go ahead.

Piggy

Hel-looo.

Kermit

Oh, no.

Ted

Uh oh. She's back.

Piggy

Kermit?

Kermit

Yes, Piggy?

Piggy

This is extremely boring.

Kermit

Well, I'm trying my best, Piggy.

Ted

Piggy, Piggy -- can I get in for a moment?

Piggy

Yes.

Ted

It's not his fault. He is asking scintillating, he is asking scathing, he is asking extraordinarily intelligent questions.

Kermit

Well, thank you, Ted.

Ted

But, I must say, I was expecting to come here tonight and to be interviewed by Larry King, and I am a little disconcerted. Sitting across from a frog is not quite the same thing.

Piggy

Theodore, are you miffed?

Ted

Miffed?

Piggy

Are you miffed?

Ted

No, I'm not miffed.

Piggy

Are you in a snit?

Ted

I'm not in a snit. I'm just sort of -- you know, by the time you sort of get your sea legs on this program, it's time to go.

Piggy

I know the feeling.

Kermit

That's sort of the way I'm going to feel later. Piggy...

Piggy

Yes. I tell you, I'll just hang up, because, of course, what you two men are talking about it much more interesting than a little woman like moi, of course.

Kermit

Piggy...

Ted

Piggy, may I suggest, why don't you throw a question out, and let's just see what a woman's question would elicit?

Kermit

I think that's a very good idea, Ted.

Ted

Go for it, Piggy.

Piggy

Fine. I would like to ask an intelligent question.

Ted

I would like to hear an intelligent question.

Piggy

Ted, I love those stupid pet tricks you do. Do you have any inspiration for any more?

Ted

No, actually, I -- you see, now, she knows something that you don't know.

Kermit

About your stupid pet tricks?

Ted

I did a stupid human trick on the David Letterman show.

Kermit

Oh.

Ted

Years ago. Must have been about eight years ago.

Piggy

I was a child then.

Ted

You were a little piglet in those days.

Piggy

Yes.

Ted

I balanced a dog bone on my nose. And only someone as astute as Miss Piggy --

Piggy

Could you say that again, please?

Ted

Only someone as astute --

Kermit

Astute. Astute.

Ted

Astute, rhymes with cute, Miss Piggy.

Piggy

Thank you. I love vous, too.

Ted

Only someone as astute as Miss Piggy would have thought to inject that into this otherwise rambling interview that we're doing.

Kermit

Well, I understand we are rambling quite a bit. And I -- I guess I have to say that I appreciate the question, Miss Piggy.

Piggy

Thank vous. And I want both of you to know that you can go ahead and talk the silly man talk now. I have photographers waiting.

Ted

How about those Cowboys, huh?

Kermit

Yeah, those Cowboys. Those Rangers. Yeah. Those Gators. I like the Gators myself.

Ted

The Gators, too.

Piggy

Kissy kissy, Ted.

Ted

Kissy kissy, Miss Piggy.

Piggy

Oh, thank vous.

Ted

Thank vous, too.

Piggy

Yeah. Later, Frog.

Kermit

Bye bye, Piggy.

Piggy

Yeah, bye.

Kermit

You know, what do you do -- do you ever do a call-in show, Ted, or is your show strictly without telephone calls?

Ted

No, and I must say, after tonight, if I had had any inclination to do a call-in show, I think Miss Piggy would have convinced me otherwise. 

Kermit

Could we go into commercial with a song?

Ted

Whose?

Kermit

Well, yours. I understand you like to sing and dance.

Ted

Which song?

Kermit

Oh, how about "She'll Be Coming Round The Mountain"?

Ted

No. I don't do "She'll Be Coming Round The Mountain". 

Kermit

Well, you name it, then. Whatever song you'd like to do.

Ted

If I'd only thought to prepare, I would have done a song on frogs. But I don't have a song on frogs. I did do -- all right, I'll tell you what, I did a song once that I wrote, in China, when I was over there with President Nixon. You remember President Nixon?

Kermit

Sure, sure.

Ted

And we went to the Great Wall of China. And I did this -- I did this song once on David Letterman's show, so if I did it for him, I guess I can do it for you.

Kermit

That would be great.

Ted

All right. It's called, "It's a Grand Old Wall."

Kermit

"A Grand Old Wall"! By Mr. Ted Koppel.

Ted

If you want to hum along --

Kermit

Okay.

Ted

Do frogs hum?

Kermit

Sure. Go for it.

Ted

Go ahead. Let me hear you hum. [ Kermit hums a few bars of "It's a Grand Old Flag." ] Yeah, that's it. That's the right song. All right, ready?

Kermit

I'll pick up the tempo.

Ted

One, two, three: 

It's a grand old wall

It's a long-standing wall

Wins the prize for its size and its age. 

[ Kermit starts humming along, Gonzo enters and joins in. ]

It gave just rewards to the Mongol hordes, 

Drove the Kulaks away in the raid

From Beijing to the seas, 

It has saved the Chinese, 

Till the days of the Kuomintang. 

From Ming to Han

And on and on

With the Great Wall, you can't go wrong.

Kermit

Very good.

Gonzo

Thank you!

Kermit

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ted Koppel.

Gonzo

Ted Koppel!

Kermit

We'll be right back.

Gonzo

Thank you! Thank you.