Tough Pigs Anthology

 

April Frog's Day

April 2002

   

April Anthology  --  Anthology Contents

 

 

Part Six: Watch What You Do

 

Kermit

 

Okay, welcome back, everybody. And now, as promised, we are very proud to present a first -- an exclusive interview with the ultimate White House insider. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the first feline of the United States, Socks the cat. Thank you for coming here, Socks.

 

Socks

 

[ Socks the Cat is a puppet played by Dave Goelz. Socks is cleaning himself as Kermit introduces him. ]

 

Kermit

 

Socks? Socks, you're on. Thanks for coming.

 

Socks

 

Oh, oh, we're on? Well, thank you for giving me this forum. For some time, I've wanted to clear up a few of these allegations that have been made against me.

 

Kermit

 

Allegations? What kind of allegations? You're a cat.

 

Socks

 

Well, yes. And on behalf of all Feline-Americans, I wish to clear the air. Tidy up the litter box, if you will.

 

Kermit

 

Well, you go right ahead there, Socks.

 

Socks

 

Well, you see, a while back, the Washington Post implicated me in some sort of cover-up in the Oval Office. Now, it is true that I had a little accident. But there was no cover-up. Just a little throw rug to hide the stain.

 

Kermit

 

I see. I see. Okay. But what about this -- how do you explain this controversial videotape obtained by the people at Larry King Live

 

Socks

 

Tape? Wait a minute, you have tape? Now, looky here, I didn't come here to be put on trial by the media.

 

Kermit

 

Now, listen here, Socks, we're just trying to get to the truth. Roll the tape, guys. 

 

 

 

[ They show a video of a ceremony on the White House lawn, with the real Socks tussling with another cat. ]

 

Kermit

 

Watch this. There on the lawn, right near the Rose Garden. Now, watch this. Watch what you do. You smacked the guy right in the head! You just smacked him right in the head, just like -- you got your parents all upset there. Look at this, they're distracted from the speech. Now, look, look... the guy -- the guy is on the borderline, he's not even in your yard. Watch this. Watch what you do. Watch this. Intimidation -- smack, bite him on the back. All right, could we see that again? Yeah, slow motion. Watch this here, Socks. Watch what you do. Wow -- right in the back, three feet in the air, and run like crazy. Now, listen, how do you explain that footage?

 

Socks

 

There's nothing to explain. That was just a political discussion.

 

Kermit

 

That was a political discussion?

 

Socks

 

Well, obviously, you've never been to the Senate. You see, Kermit, that was Bob Dole's cat.

 

Kermit

 

OH! Oh, I see. Oh, thanks for clearing that up there, Socks. Okay, folks, let's go to the phone with Socks the cat. Caller? Caller? Hello?

 

Piggy

 

Hello...

 

Kermit

 

Yes. Piggy...

 

Caller

 

[ Another caller breaks in ]  Hello, Kermit?

 

Kermit

 

Oh, it's somebody else. Hello.

 

Caller

 

Kermit, no disrespect to Socks. It is a tremendous treat to speak to you in person. I've been a fan of yours for a long time.

 

Kermit

 

Oh, listen. Thank you very much.

 

Caller

 

Absolutely. This is your old friend, Mark. Now, you have worked with many famous names in show business, and of course, I think of the famous time when you called Ethel Merman a coliseum.

 

Kermit

 

Oh, well, that was kind of a -- just an accident. Yeah, what's your question there?

 

Caller

 

An endearment, I'm sure. And Socks, in turn, has seen many great figures in politics in the White House.

 

Socks

 

Yeah, mostly from below.

 

Caller

 

Well, and I'm -- I won't touch that.

 

Kermit

 

Okay, running out of time there.

 

Caller

 

Could the two of you just reflect real quickly on some of the biggest names that you've been exposed to?

 

Kermit

 

Oh, let's see. There were so many people. Good grief. Have you seen The Muppet Show? The list goes on forever. I tell you, it's our -- you know, Roy Rogers, Edgar Bergen. Goes on forever. Okay, we have another phone call? No other calls. Okay, listen. Well, Socks, we're running a little low on time here. Do you have any final words for our viewers?

 

Socks

 

Well, yes. As a matter of fact, I do. Now, let me tell you something. The Clintons, you know, they're real nice folks.

 

Kermit

 

Yeah.

 

Socks

 

But do you think it's easy to live in the White House? Why, heck no. People are always looking at you, they're always petting you, they're always following you right to the litter box. And you know what rubs my fur the wrong way? Well, I'll tell you. George Bush, remember when he was in the White House, and he had this dog, Millie?

 

Kermit

 

Yeah.

 

Socks

 

Well, she was always in the press. Millie rode the helicopter! [ Socks coughs. ] Millie flew in Air Force One! Millie wrote a book! Well, I'm just sick of it, I tell you. Why does everybody -- [ he coughs ] -- everybody always make a fuss over a dog? It's just not fair. Cats are good too, you know!

 

 

 

[ Socks starts to cough and hack. David Gergen enters and rushes to Socks' side. ]

 

David

 

Socks, socks! Socks, you all right?

 

 

 

[ Socks hacks and spits. ]

 

David

 

You all right?

 

Kermit

 

My goodness, are --

 

Socks

 

I'm sorry about your shoe there, man.

 

Kermit

 

Socks, are you okay there?

 

Socks

 

Oh, sure, I'm fine. It was just a hairball. Happens all the time.

 

David

 

Kermit, it's about time for Socks to go home. Okay? Are you about ready to come home?

 

Socks

 

Oh, sure, but we've got to get you a shoeshine.

 

David

 

We've got to do that, indeed. Kermit -- you and Miss Piggy, you come to the White House, you hear?

 

Kermit

 

Well, thank you very much there, David.

 

David

 

Come visit.

 

Kermit

 

Thank you, Socks.

 

Socks

 

Thanks for having me.

 

David

 

Okay.

 

Socks

 

Bye bye.

 

David

 

Okay. Come on here.

 

Kermit

 

So long there, Socks, and thank you for being here. We'll be right back, folks. Could we get a mop over here, please, during the break? Yeah, a mop.

 

[ Cut to a video clip of the puppet Socks presiding over a White House press conference. Socks is standing at the podium. ]

 

Socks

 

Okay, I've got time for one more question. Wolf Blitzer, CNN.

 

Wolf

 

When do you expect they will be under UN control?

 

Socks

 

Hmmm. No comment. 

 

 

 

[ There's a commercial break... And when they come back, Rizzo is standing in front of a video of the White House, with the fountain behind him. He points at the CNN logo in the corner. ]

 

Rizzo

 

THIS is CNN -- the Cheese News Network!

 

 

 

[ Rizzo chomps on the CNN logo, which disappears -- and then he turns and takes a "drink" from the spraying fountain. ]

 

[ Then back to Kermit... ]

 

Kermit

 

Okay, one real quick phone call from Manhattan. Are you there?

 

Caller

 

Yes.

 

Kermit

 

Hi.

 

Caller

 

Do you think Miss Piggy is faithful?

 

Kermit

 

Faithful?

 

Caller

 

Yeah.

 

Kermit

 

Well, listen, I've got to tell you. That's a very good question. I don't know. Do you know something I don't?

 

Caller

 

No. It just seems that she's always trying to make srue that you're running around with anybody, but do you know that she isn't?

 

Kermit

 

Is that one of the classic signs?

 

Caller

 

I don't know.

 

Kermit

 

Gee, I'll make a note of that. Thank you very much for letting me know that. Okay. Bye, bye. Listen, we're almost out of time here, folks. But I have had so much fun doing this, along with everybody else. Gonzo, do you have anything to say to that? Gonzo?

 

[ Cut to Gonzo with Bernard Shaw. ]

 

Gonzo

 

Kermit, I have really enjoyed being here, pre-taped with Bernard Shaw. Being pre-recorded is so much nicer, don't you think so, Bernie?

 

Bernard

 

This never happens to Peter Jennings.

 

Gonzo

 

You know, I love your set. It's so much nicer than Larry King's.

 

 

 

[ Cut back to Kermit. ]

 

Kermit

 

Thank you, Gonzo. Listen, everybody, I want to thank my very special guests for being here -- Ted Koppel of Nightline, Carol Alt and Terry Hulk Hol -- Hogan -- excuse me there, Hulk. Oh, I'm going to get beat up now -- of their new show, Thunder in Paradise. David Gergen, the counselor to the President, and, of course, Socks the cat. I would like to also thank Miss Piggy for joining us via the phone.

 

Piggy

 

[ on the phone: ] Thank you, my dear, sweet Kermie.

 

Kermit

 

You're very welcome there, Piggy. Listen, I'm sorry about all of this. We'll see what we can do about it next time.

 

Piggy

 

Thank you.

 

Kermit

 

And, Larry, if you're watching, I'll be glad to host this show any time.

 

Larry

 

[ on the phone: ] Kermit!

 

Kermit

 

Yeah?

 

Larry

 

Kermit, it's Larry.

 

Kermit

 

Larry!

 

Larry

 

I've been watching you. We've had quite a few guest hosts on this show.

 

Kermit

 

Yeah.

 

Larry

 

I would have to say that you are the best. You had great eye contact. You work your guests well. You moved from subject to subject well. Miss Piggy's calls, while interruptive, were nonetheless romantic. I think that Hulk had good eye contact with you, Koppel was fine.

 

Kermit

 

All right, well, listen, thank you --

 

Larry

 

And Socks, of course, was a great exclusive.

 

Kermit

 

Thank you, Larry.

 

Larry

 

So, I would like you to be the permanent guest host.

 

Kermit

 

You got it, Larry! Thank you very much for being here. And, listen, I want --

 

Larry

 

Are you going to hang up on me?

 

Kermit

 

I think I have to. You know how it is with Peter. Listen, everybody, I want to tell you all to have a great weekend. Larry will be back on Monday. Now, we're going to check in with Linden Soles, in the CNN Center in Atlanta, to see what's on World News.

 

 

 

[ Linden Soles appears in a box on-screen next to Kermit. ]

 

Linden

 

Well, I hate to tell you this, Kermit, but... Nothing. There's nothing going on. No headlines, no top stories. Nada. So you're going to have to do another hour by yourself. I'm going home.

 

Kermit

 

Phew! Uh... good night, everybody! [ Kermit faints. ]

 

Linden

 

April Fool's!

 

[ Kermit gets up again and dances to the closing theme. ]

 

 

That's it for this month's Anthology...

Be here in May for 

another live Muppet show!

 

April Anthology  --  Anthology Contents

 

 

Danny@ToughPigs.com