[ Kermit enters. ]

Kermit

This man, Bob Hope... What can I say about him? What a wonderful man! I mean, what -- from this little froggy heart, anything I might say to you might sound... well, it might sound...

Piggy

[ offscreen ]  Boring. Just introduce me.

Kermit

Uh, yes, ma'am.

Piggy

Thank you.

Kermit

Ladies and gentlemen, that queen of pigdom, the femme fatale of the Muppet world, the incomparable superstar... Miss Piggy!

[ Piggy enters, to great applause. ]

Piggy

Oh, thank you! Kissy kissy! Thank you! Oh! You must be so glad to see me. Where is Bobby? Bobby! Bobby?

Kermit

Who?

Piggy

Bobby! My Bobby Hope! My Roberto! Where is that hunk?

Kermit

That -- that hunk?

Piggy

Oh, now, Kermie... don't you be jealous! You see, Bob and I have that special relationship that happens only once between a man and a pig.  [ sigh ]  I'm sorry, Dolores, but the truth had to come out. Where is he... Bobby! Bobby!

Kermit

Well, he's up in that first balcony up there.

Piggy

Where?

Kermit

Right up there.

Piggy

Bob-bee! I must pay tribute to my Bobby... and yes, yes, I am going to sing.

Kermit

Uh. I'll wait in the car.

Piggy

Ho, wait! Kermie... For this song, I need to look in someone's eyes. Will you help me?

Kermit

What do I do?

Piggy

Be Bob Hope.

Kermit

What?

Piggy

Yes, please. You see, I need to sing to Bob Hope, and he's up there, so... please, please!

Kermit

There's no way I could be Bob Hope. No, no, absolutely not -- no, Miss Piggy, I have no --

Piggy

Please, please, Kermie... you're embarrassing me...

Kermit

I can not be Bob Hope.

Piggy

Ker-mie... they're all looking...  [ to audience: ]  Ex-cuse us...

Kermit

Everybody knows I'm not...

Piggy

Kermie...

Kermit

I have these ping pong ball eyes... I'm green... Everybody knows what Bob Hope looks like...

Piggy

I don't care... will you... this is not the time... I'm a woman...

Kermit

I can't do this! Of course not. There's no way, Piggy...

Piggy

Kermit! Kermit!

Kermit

What?

Piggy

Do it because I love you.

Kermit

No!

Piggy

Do it because I need you!

Kermit

No!

Piggy

[ growls ]  Do it or I'll cut ya in half!

Kermit

[ gulps ]

Piggy

Thank you.

Kermit

What do I do?

Piggy

Well, you stand here, and you be Bobby Hope, okay? And I shall re-enter and sing to you. All right? Uh, Roberto -- I'm singing to the frog -- but this is really pour vous.

Kermit

Uh, Roberto? I really doubt if this is gonna work.

Piggy

Just do it.

Kermit

Okay. Be Bob Hope, Bob Hope, Bob...

Piggy

Be good.

Kermit

Yeah, yeah, let me just prepare here.  [ He turns around and messes with his face a bit, then turns to the audience. ]  Hi, this is Bob what am I doing here Hope... But seriously, a funny thing happened on the way to the theater...

Piggy

Hel-lo, Mr. Hope!

Kermit

Please. Pig. I'm in the middle of my monologue.

Piggy

Don't push it, frog.

Kermit

Sorry.

Piggy

Oh, Roberto, I have worshipped you from afar. And tonight, I worship you -- from anear.

Kermit

From a what?

Piggy

Anear.

Kermit

You worship me from an ear?

Piggy

Yes, I do.

Kermit

Frogs don't have ears.

Piggy

I'll worship you in the hospital in a second. Ahem. And my dear, dear, sweet, sweet Kermie...

Kermit

Uh, Bob.

Piggy

Bobby... I would like -- in a musical way -- to tell you about what has been, to this moment, My Secret Love. Hit it, Donnie-poo! (Just shut up and look humble.)

Kermit

[ gulps ]

Piggy

[ sings, caressing Kermit ]

Once, I had a Secret Love

That lived within the heart of me

Kermit

Careful. I'm ticklish. 

Piggy

All too soon, my Secret Love

Kermit

This is you, Bob!

Piggy

Became impatient to be free...

Kermit

[ coughs on Piggy's boa ]  Ahem. Feathers.

Piggy

So I told a friendly star

The way that dreamers often do

Just how wonderful vous are

Kermit

You're making a fool of yourself.

Piggy

Will you please?

And why... I'm so in love with you.

Kermit

You're making a fool of all of us.

Piggy

[ tackles Kermit ]

NOW -- I shout it from the highest hills

(Will ya PLEASE?)

Even told the golden -- uff! -- daffodils...

[ Kermit struggles. Piggy tosses him aside. ]

Oh, forget it... Bobby!

At last, my heart's an open door!

Kermit

You're upstaging me!

Piggy

Will ya please?

Kermit

You're wrecking the whole song!

Piggy

And my Secret Love's...

Kermit

A dumb idea.

Piggy

No Secret...

Kermit

No one would believe this, anyhow. What a -- what a HAM this is!

Piggy

Oh, fer cryin' out loud... Hiiiii-YAAAA!

[ Piggy karate chops Kermit, and stomps him into the ground. Then she takes a breath and finishes her song. ]

Any - moooooore.

Mwa! Mwa! Kissy kissy!

[ Stomp! ]

Kissy kissy! Happy birthday, Bobby!

Kermit

[ Kermit gets up, crushed and flattened. ]

Piggy

Kissy kissy! Happy birthday!  [ Their podium moves offstage... ]