Kermit

Y'know, one thing I'd love to do now... Can I bring out one of our stars?

Vincent

Of course.

Kermit

Because I have an introduction here, too. Excuse me. Ahem. Here it goes. It goes like this.  [ reads: ] Okay, and here she is, ladies and gentlemen, the real star of The Muppet Show, a glamour queen of the first magnitude, a true superstar and the person who wrote this introduction... ladies and gentlemen, MISS PIGGY!

Piggy

[ Piggy enters, to applause and cheers. ]  Thank you! Hello! And kissy kissy to you all! 

Kermit

Aw, very good. You got your hair down, and you got all dressed and everything.

Piggy

Yes, don't I look adorable?

Kermit

Ah, you look very good. You certainly do.

Piggy

Mmm hmm. Hello, Vincent!

Vincent

Hello, Miss Piggy!

Piggy

How are you, love?

Vincent

All my life I've wanted to meet you... I've met Garbo, and Miss Piggy. Everything is finished now.  

Piggy

It must have been a long wait for moi.

Vincent

Oui.

Piggy

Mmm hmm. Well, Kermie, you're doing just wonderfully. I'm so proud of my frog.

Kermit

Well, thank you, yes. I'm doing my best.

Piggy

And that's all any frog can do. By the way, ladies and gentlemen, Vincent, and Ed, I have an announcement to make, and I wanted it to be here, on The Tonight Show. 

Kermit

What is that?

Piggy

Well, I think the time has come, Kermie, to let it out of the bag. Ladies and gentlemen, I want to say, right here in front of everyone -- that Kermit and moi am engaged!

Kermit

We... what?

[ Everyone applauds. ]

Vincent

Ohhh! 

Kermit

Wait a second! No, we are -- we are not -- hey, hold it, guys! No, no.

Vincent

Congratulations!

Kermit

We are not engaged. She -- she just made that up.

Vincent

She did?

Kermit

Yeah! We are... I'm not engaged to you!

Piggy

[ growls ]  Kermit... we are engaged.

Kermit

No, we're not engaged! There's no truth to that.

Piggy

We are... We will talk about this later. We are engaged.

Kermit

Okay, but don't let this audience think that we're engaged. We're not engaged, folks.

Vincent

Wonderful to be in on that news when it... 

Kermit

What? NO! It's not true!

Piggy

Thank you.

Vincent

Isn't it wonderful, Ed?

Ed

It's great to hear it! Just great.

Vincent

Absolutely.

Kermit

Not you, too! NO! 

Vincent

Congratulations! May you have lots and lots of...

Kermit

It's not true!

Piggy

Thank you, Ed. Yes.

Kermit

[ sighs ]

Piggy

Yes, go on with your interview, now.

Kermit

... Go on with my interview?

Piggy

Yes. I want my frog to do well. Go ahead.

Kermit

Our next guest is the Director of the Institute for the Study of Animal Problems...

Piggy

Oooh!

Kermit

For the Humane Society of the United States. He is a psychologist and a practicing veterinarian. His latest book is called Understanding Your Pet. Please welcome Dr. Michael Fox!

[ Dr. Fox enters and greets them. ]

Piggy

Hello. 

Kermit

Good evening, Dr. Fox.

Fox

It's very nice, being a veterinarian, talking to animals again. You know, we do this all the time. But I'm still a little bit uncomfortable talking to animals in public.

Piggy

Can I ask you just one simple question?

Fox

Yes, please.

Piggy

Can veterinarians officiate at weddings?

Kermit

Piggy...

Piggy

Just planning ahead! 

Kermit

There's not going to be any kind of wedding.

Piggy

Yes, dear.

Fox

To be perfectly serious, you know, I would advise some genetic counseling. You know, a pig and a frog -- could give rise to all kinds of strange things.

Piggy

Yes. I'm hoping so.

[ Cheers from the audience. ]

Kermit

Bouncing baby figs. 

Piggy

Yes.

Kermit

Or pogs. Anyhow. Well, if you're qualified to discuss animals, what could you tell us about, uh -- oh, I don't know, something like, pick something, like, frogs. How about frogs. 

Piggy

Good pick.

Fox

Frogs. Okay. Well, frogs right now, I was in the Shenendoah Valley right by the river yesterday, beautiful rainy Sunday, and all the frogs were croaking. Pft. Pft. This is their mating time. And when it's mating time for frogs, the little boys -- you have five fingers, the little frogs, the males have a big thick ridge that grows so that they can hold on to the female.

[ Kermit and Piggy start examining Kermit's hand. ]

Fox

And their hormones develop special muscles. They develop huge muscles on the pectorals so that they can hold on to the lady. 

[ Piggy checks out Kermit's arms. ]

Fox

Now, when the lady has laid her eggs, she gives a croak, and that's the signal to get off. Now, sometimes...

Piggy

[ nods ]  I'd better remember that!

Fox

Sometimes, the little boy frog makes a mistake, and climbs on to another little boy frog, because frogs do look rather similar. And the little boy frog gives a different kind of croak, which means, get off. And the little male gets off. It's incredible biology. This way frogs don't make mistakes.

Kermit

Okay, uh. What about any other unusual characteristics of frogs?

Fox

Frogs can be frozen, they can be put in the deep freeze. They'd be marvelous space travelers. In fact, frogs are really Super Animals. 

Kermit

Oh! Thank you.

Fox

Another interesting thing about frogs is that they can be hypnotized.

Kermit

They can be hypnotized.

Fox

Yes. They can be laid on their backs, very slowly, and there was one scientist who was seeing how long a frog could be hypnotized. He put it on the table, and he found that it stayed there for hours and hours and hours, and he left it for about twenty-four hours. Then he went back to check it, and found that the frog had actually stuck to the table. So, some scientists do make mistakes. Rather gross.

Kermit

Oh!

Piggy

Yuchha.

Gonzo

Excuse me! Hey, pardon me.

Kermit

Oh! Gonzo. That's the Great Gonzo on the other side of you, Dr. Fox. And that's Camilla, too.

Camilla

Bawk, bawk.

Fox

Oh! How do you do.

Gonzo

This is my chicken girlfriend, Camilla. 

Camilla

Bawk.

Fox

She's gorgeous.

Gonzo

Isn't she though?

Fox

Yes. Quite spectacular.

Gonzo

Yeah. Hey, Kermit. Congratulations on your plans.

Kermit

Will you cut that out.

Gonzo

Okay. Hey, listen. I just wanted to ask you a question. 

Fox

Yes...

Gonzo

You say you can hypnotize frogs, right?

Fox

Yes.

Gonzo

Well, uh, could you, uh... hypnotize chickens?

Fox

Be careful... I think you're hypnotizing her already. Well, actually, you just gently get hold and turn them over onto one side, very quietly...

Gonzo

Yeah...

Fox

And then you stroke them... this is Mesmer's Passes...

Camilla

Bawwwwwk...

Fox

It sounds to me like she's going to lay an egg. I think she's going slowly... no...

[ Camilla gets up, unhypnotized, but Gonzo is standing with his eyes bugged out, staring straight ahead. ]

Camilla

Bawk, bawk!

Fox

No. Definitely it's egg-laying time. I'm sorry. You cannot hypnotize a chicken when she's ready to lay an egg. It's quite impossible. But you're doing very well, I must say.

Camilla

[ trying to wake Gonzo ]  Bawk? Bawk?

Kermit

Gonzo...

Fox

We've had a very rare case of transference. 

Kermit

Yes, I think...

Piggy

Can you get him out, Camilla?

Fox

I should stick to veterinary medicine and animal behavior, and not get into psychiatry.

Kermit

That's true. Okay.

Piggy

Can you just push him out, Camilla? Just push him out. That's it. Thank you.

Camilla

Bawk-bawk...  [ Camilla pushes Gonzo off stage. ]

Kermit

Okay. How about pigs? You have anything about pigs?

Fox

Pigs! Pigs are probably the most intelligent animals on the farm.

Kermit

Really?

Piggy

Hah!

Fox

A healthy piglet has a curly tail. It's always a good sign of health.

Kermit

A what?

Piggy

That's... that's all right...

Kermit

[ looking for Piggy's tail ]  Turn around...

Piggy

Just... Ahem.  [ She pushes him away. ]

Fox

The ladies are called sows, and the boys are called boars.

Piggy

You're tellin' me.

Fox

Now, the perjorative, pig, is really atrocious. I think when we call an animal a bad name, we should call it a human being, because I'm really annoyed when I hear somebody called a pig, or a sloth, or something like that. Because these are marvelous animals. But pigs especially, when you see their behavior. They have a wonderful love life.

Kermit

Oh, yeah?

Piggy

[ sigh ]

Fox

The boar has the most incredible...

Kermit

I think, just about the time we're going into the love life of --

Piggy

Let him talk!

Kermit

It's a good time to go to a commercial!

Piggy

I'd like to hear the rest!

Kermit

No! Let's not hear about the sex life of pigs!

Piggy

Yes, yes! Go ahead! Tell me all about it!

Kermit

Let's go to commercial, folks!