[ Kermit enters, wearing a tuxedo. ]

Kermit

Thank you! It is indeed an honor to be in front of such an illustrious looking group. And, uh. Do you like my tuxedo?  [ Applause ]  Thank you! I mean, I usually work nude, y'know. But at this time, though, folks, I would like to bring out somebody I'm sure you'd like to meet. She is truly the superstar of The Muppet Show -- the one and only, the fantabulous -- Miss Piggy! Yaaay!

[ Miss Piggy enters, wearing a black and gold gown, with matching hat and feather boa. ]

Piggy

Oh, kissy kissy! Mwa! Mwa! Kissy kissy! Oh yes! Thank you, thank you! Oh, they love me so.

Kermit

Yes, they do.

Piggy

Well! Doesn't my frog look dashing!

Kermit

Yes. And, um, you look, uh, you look ravishing, yourself.

Piggy

Thank you. It is tres, tres au courant.

Kermit

Beg pardon?

Piggy

It's French.

Kermit

Oh.

Piggy

Ladies and gentlemen, it is such a thrill for moi to be here with my frog as host and hostess of these Emmy Awards.

Kermit

Uh. What?

Piggy

May I have the envelope, please?

Kermit

No, no, Miss Piggy. There must be some mistake. Y'see, we're not out here as hosts of the show. We're here to read the rules.

Piggy

[ stares at Kermit ]  What?

Kermit

Yeah. Y'see, they just want us to read the rules.

Piggy

You are putting me on.

Kermit

No! That -- that's it.

Piggy

Are you out of your MIND?

Kermit

Well, what's wrong?

Piggy

Kermit -- ahem, excuse me -- I did NOT spend six hours with Monsieur Jacques of Encino to read lousy RULES!

Kermit

You see, how can you put on awards unless people know how they were nominated in the first place?

Piggy

Who CARES?

Kermit

Piggy...

Piggy

Don't you Piggy me! I just want you to know how embarrassed I am...

Kermit

Listen, Piggy...

Piggy

I am a MOVIE star -- I do not need this!

Kermit

They just invited us out here to read the rules, c'mon now...

Piggy

This is a cheap and tawdry show... I do not...

Kermit

You're making a -- you're embarrassing us out in front of the most important people in show business!

[ Piggy pouts. ]

Kermit

I'm sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen. 

Piggy

You only like these shows because they have a green room.

Kermit

Ahem. The rules.

Piggy

Oh, brother.

Kermit

All nominees for Emmy Awards were made by members of the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences...

[ Piggy sighs and taps her foot. ]

Kermit

... and some members of the National Academy of Television Arts and Sciences, voting in their specialization.

Piggy

Bo -- ring...

Kermit

Ah. Winners were chosen in secret balloting...

[ Piggy yawns. ]

Kermit

... by blue ribbon panels, and those ballots... given...

[ Piggy whistles. ]

Kermit

[ hurries: ] ... those ballots given directly to representatives of our independent accountants --

Kermit, with Piggy in mocking baby talk

... Price Waterhouse and Company...

Kermit

You finished?

Piggy

I don't know.

Kermit

Okay. Here's the last sentence. The ballots were tabulated by them, and their representatives are here tonight with the results. And that is the rules, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much, and, uh, c'mon, let's go, Miss Piggy.

Piggy

No.

Kermit

But we're finished.

Piggy

I'm NOT.

Kermit

But they got a whole show to do here.

Piggy

I. Don't. Care.

Kermit

But, Piggy...

Piggy

I am not leaving until I get a close-up.  [ Applause ]

Kermit

All right, Piggy... we gotta get off the stage!

Piggy

No! No! I owe this to Monsieur Jacques. All right, I want a close-up -- get the hair, the eyelashes, gimme a single, cut the frog. Just...

Kermit

Piggy... I'm sorry about this, guys... c'mon...

Piggy

Would you get your flippers off my hips!

Kermit

C'mon! Just MOVE the PORK!

Piggy

Move THIS! Hiiiiii-YAAAA!  [ Piggy karate chops Kermit, and flounces off the stage. ]