Joan

Tomorrow is the special day for sweethearts everywhere... So what better way to celebrate than with The Couple of The Eighties? Yes, joining me now -- the Sean Penn and Madonna of the Muppet world...

Kermit

The what?

Joan

Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy. It's nice to have you both with us!

Piggy

Hello, Joan dear.

Kermit

Oh, thank you, Joan. It's very nice to be here.

Joan

Oh! And look at you... What a dress she has here!  [ Piggy is wearing a very Couple of the Eighties pink and lime outfit. ]

Kermit

Yes, it's very special.

Piggy

Could I have a close-up of the hat, please?

Joan

The hat's wonderful. I love...

Piggy

There's little kissys on the hat here.

Joan

Little kissys on the hat.

Kermit

Is that real candy?

Piggy

Yeah, don't touch it. I'm gonna eat it later.

Joan

It's a very beautiful outfit.

Piggy

Thank you very much, Joanie. You look, uh, attractive too.

Kermit

Sure. It's a nice outfit, Joan.

Joan

Well, thank you, Kermit.

Kermit

Yes, you look very pretty today.

Piggy

Yes...

Joan

Thank you! Do you two have special plans for Valentine's Day?

Piggy

Yes, they're personal.

Kermit

Um... what?

Joan

They're personal?

Piggy

Personal.

Kermit

Oh, yeah. They're personal.

Joan

Personal.

Kermit

Mmmm.

Joan

Hmm.

Piggy

Yes. We plan to have a nice little... evening.

Joan

A romantic evening?

Piggy

Mmm hmm.

Joan

What's your idea of a romantic evening?

Piggy

Well, first of all -- two of us, as opposed to three.

Joan

Okay.

Piggy

That's for starters. And, well, Kermit, as a frog, likes to be in surroundings that he's used to.

Kermit

Yes.

Joan

Like water?

Piggy

I'm not talking about a swamp... I mean, he's used to dark surroundings, which I believe are romantic.

Joan

Dark surroundings...

Piggy

Frogs are used to that.

Joan

Is he romantic?

Kermit

Uh... Do we have to talk about stuff like this?

Piggy

Trust me, it's love!

Kermit

It's a professional relationship. You know.

Piggy

I knew it.

Joan

All right, all right. This brings up a subject... There seems to be some question about your status right now.

Piggy

There is no status.

Kermit

That's true. It's a status of nothing.

Joan

I thought you got married.

Piggy

No, the status... There's no status. There's just love.

Joan

Just love.

Kermit

Uh, yes. Uh. Actually, why don't we change the subject? Why don't we talk about something else?

Joan

I'd like to know what it was about Miss Piggy that you originally fell for. What are her qualities?

Piggy

Yeah!

Kermit

Well. She's a very powerful lady. Y'know. I mean, she's, uh, she's... someone you don't tangle with, so to speak. You see. And this is one of her most attractive parts, I think. 

Joan

She has a unique personality. Unique qualities.

Piggy

But Kermie? Kermie?

Kermit

Yes, Miss Piggy.

Piggy

What about, you know, the other things?

Kermit

Oh. Well. Uh.

Piggy

About the kissy-kissies? And the huggy-wuggies?

Kermit

Yes. She's. Yes, anything you say. It's fine.

Piggy

He talks like that in public, because he's shy.

Kermit

Mmmm.

Piggy

In person... watch out!

Joan

Yeah?

Kermit

That's right. That's what I was going to say. You just watch out. That's why... Mmmm.

Piggy

We're talking GANGBUSTERS!

Joan

What is it about...

Piggy

We're talking, y'know, like, three days! We're talking, like, you know? Like, ROOM SERVICE! Look out!

Joan

Tell us something about Miss Piggy that she would just die if we all knew.

Kermit

Well. Uh.

Piggy

Or somebody else'll die if you all know.

Kermit

Well, she's an interesting sight in lingerie. I must say that. I mean. Uh, yes.

Piggy

Awww, Kermie. Isn't that sweet.

Joan

Does she wear real feminine, frilly stuff?

Kermit

It's, uh, she has all kinds of things with buckles and snaps, and stuff... It's really just...

Piggy

Are you insinuating that I wear a girdle?

Kermit

No, I don't know what that stuff is.

Joan

And I'm not about to take a guess! Tell us something -- what did you fall in love with? What are the qualities that you fell in love with, with Kermit?

Piggy

Well, to begin with... Flippers.

Joan

Flippers?

Piggy

Flippers. Number one. Then, after Flippers, I'd say Green. And then there's that certain... well, in Spanish, you say, je ne sais quoi.

Joan

Or joie de vivre.

Kermit

That's Spanish?

Piggy

Joie de viv-ra...

Joan

That's a good one.

Piggy

... about a frog. It's something that only pigs could understand. 

Joan

Okay. I'll buy that.

Piggy

You have to.

Joan

I don't have any other choice. You two have a wonderfully romantic day tomorrow.

Piggy

Don't touch him!

Kermit

Oh, thank you.

Joan

[ laughs ]  Excuse me, Miss Piggy. 

Piggy

That's all right.

Kermit

It's okay.

Piggy

Thank you. Happy Valentine's Day.

Joan

To you, too. 

Kermit

And Happy Valentine's Day out there!

Piggy

To all of vous. Kissy kissy!

Joan

We'll be back.

Piggy

We'll be back. Not us. Her.

Kermit

I won't...