Tough Pigs Anthology

 

Kermit and Piggy:

That Magnificent Hankering

February 2002

   

February Anthology  --  Anthology Contents

 

 

Part Eight : Love is What Matters

Kermit and Miss Piggy

on Larry King Live

December 23, 1993

 

Larry

 

It's time -- quiet.

 

Piggy

 

I'm sorry.

 

Larry

 

It's time to put on makeup, time to light the lights. It's time to get things started, with the Muppets here tonight. Joining us are the Muppet leader, Kermit the Frog.

 

Kermit

 

Thank you very much.

 

Larry

 

And his beloved Miss Piggy. And they are dressed appropriately.

 

Kermit

 

That's right.

 

Larry

 

You both wore braces in my honor.

 

Kermit

 

That's right, we certainly did. We wanted to, just because you always wear these things. We wanted to do this just in honor of you.

 

Larry

 

And mine are pink and blue and yours, Kermit, are --

 

Piggy

 

Watch the hand.

 

Kermit

 

Mine are sort of pink and blue.

 

Piggy

 

Watch it.

 

Larry

 

Piggy, I wasn't making a move for you.

 

Piggy

 

Fine, fine. Fine, Lawrence.

 

Larry

 

Okay. Do you like wearing suspenders?

 

Piggy

 

Not particularly.

 

Larry

 

No?

 

Piggy

 

No.

 

Larry

 

But you wear them in my honor?

 

Piggy

 

Yeah. Kermit told me I had to.

 

Kermit

 

Well, I just thought it would be a nice thing to do. I hope it's not a problem.

 

Piggy

 

It's not particularly the classiest style of dressing for moi, Lawrence.

 

Larry

 

I know. But still, there's something about --

 

Piggy

 

Do you own a jacket?

 

Larry

 

What?

 

Piggy

 

Do you ever own a jacket?

 

Larry

 

I own a jacket, yeah.

 

Piggy

 

Do you?

 

Larry

 

But I just like this look.

 

Piggy

 

Okay, fine. Just curious.

 

Larry

 

Okay. All right, let's ask some questions of both of you, because later we're going to talk to some other people involved. We've got this new -- are you excited about a book out, all about the history of the Muppets? Did you see the book?

 

Piggy

 

What book?

 

Kermit

 

I don't think --

 

Larry

 

You don't even know about this book?

 

Piggy

 

No.

 

Kermit

 

No. You mean there's a book about our history?

 

Larry

 

Yeah, and it's about Jim Henson and the whole --

 

Piggy

 

About moi?

 

Larry

 

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

 

Piggy

 

What?

 

Larry

 

You're not getting a cut of this book?

 

Kermit

 

A cut?

 

Larry

 

A piece?

 

Piggy

 

What does cut mean?

 

Kermit

 

Well, maybe a paper cut.

 

Larry

 

Action. Money.

 

Kermit

 

Oh, money?

 

Larry

 

Wait a minute, Miss Piggy, are you telling me that they're using your likeness in this book and no residuals to you?

 

Piggy

 

Lawrence, I do not know what book vous are talking about. Moi is just a pig, trying to entertain the world.

 

Larry

 

You don't feel left out that they would publish a whole book about the history of this, and you don't even know about it?

 

Kermit

 

Well, we know now.

 

Piggy

 

Well, what book is this?

 

Larry

 

The title of is Jim Henson: The Works -- The Art, The Magic, the Imagination.

 

Kermit

 

Sounds interesting.

 

Piggy

 

Sounds nice. Are there pictures of moi?

 

Larry

 

Yes, and pictures of you.

 

Kermit

 

Pictures of me, too? Wow. 

 

Larry

 

By the way, do you guys get paid? Kermit, you've been an entertainer for so many years, what are you paid?

 

Kermit

 

Well, I get flies and mosquitoes and things like that. You mean money?

 

Larry

 

Money.

 

Kermit

 

I'm not actually... I don't actually do this for the bucks. I do this because I enjoy it.

 

Larry

 

You don't need money?

 

Kermit

 

Well, not really. I mean, what can you buy in a swamp, you know?

 

Larry

 

Well, your clothes. Look at how you dressed tonight.

 

Kermit

 

Well, I've got to tell you the truth. These are rented. These are props.

 

Larry

 

Props?

 

Kermit

 

Yeah. It was just kind of a thing for you.

 

Larry

 

Boy, you look dapper, though.

 

Kermit

 

Thank you very much. You look very nice, yourself.

 

Larry

 

Okay. Now, Miss Piggy --

 

Piggy

 

As for me, I'm waiting for a close-up.

 

Larry

 

There it is.

 

Piggy

 

Thank you, dear.

 

Larry

 

Look at how beautiful you are. You look stunning tonight.

 

Piggy

 

[ shamelessly posing ]  Oh, I'm not used to the camera.

 

Larry

 

Oh, yeah.

 

Piggy

 

[ looks down at the credit on the screen ]  Of course it's Miss Piggy. What am I, chopped liver?

 

Larry

 

No. Someone just turned on the television. We put the note Miss Piggy on the bottom, like they thought they were looking at Elvira Frump.

 

Piggy

 

That's right, yes.

 

Larry

 

All right, now, what are you paid? He's paid in flies. What do they pay you in?

 

Piggy

 

Pay me?

 

Larry

 

Pay, money, dinero. What do you get for doing what you do?

 

Piggy

 

Well, I don't -- I don't really get paid. I just... we just like to have fun together.

 

Kermit

 

That's right.

 

Larry

 

You mean, you do this for nothing?

 

Piggy

 

I do it for top billing. That's what we're talking about. "MISS PIGGY." 

 

Larry

 

And that counts more to you than, say, ten thousand a week?

 

Piggy

 

Ten thousand what a week?

 

Larry

 

Ten thousand dollars a week. What would you do with ten thousand dollars a week, which, by the way, would be underpaid for where you have reached in show business history.

 

Piggy

 

What would moi do? Moi does not truly think of money.

 

Larry

 

You never think of money?

 

Piggy

 

Moi truly thinks of happiness with moi's frog. And that is what counts.

 

Larry

 

Okay, Piggy, go back to this -- how long has this relationship...

 

Piggy

 

[ to Kermit: ]  Right?

 

Kermit

 

Uh, sure, sure.

 

Larry

 

Who fell in love first?

 

Kermit

 

[ to Piggy: ]  I'll let you take that one.

 

Piggy

 

Well, it was moi, truly.

 

Larry

 

You?

 

Piggy

 

Yes.

 

Larry

 

So, in other words, you had that -- that feeling for a frog. What did your fellow pig friends say when you told them, "I think I'm in love with a frog?"

 

Piggy

 

That I was -- I was in love with another species?

 

Larry

 

Yeah.

 

Piggy

 

It was tough to take at times, but truly, love... love is what matters.

 

Larry

 

Then they understood?

 

Piggy

 

Yes, yes.

 

Larry

 

How about your mother?

 

Piggy

 

It's better than an aardvark, they said. My mother? I don't talk to my mother.

 

Larry

 

What about your best piggy friends?

 

Piggy

 

My best piggy friends?

 

Larry

 

Yes, you have pig friends, right?

 

Piggy

 

Well, I'm certain you have pig friends, too.

 

Larry

 

No. You're the only pig I know.

 

Piggy

 

Oh, truly?

 

Larry

 

Truly.

 

Piggy

 

Search back. Think of high school.

 

Larry

 

No, you're the only -- well, maybe you're right.

 

Piggy

 

Fine, fine. I just want to make that clear.

 

Larry

 

You are definitely the only frog I know.

 

Kermit

 

Well, that could be true. You need to get out more, Larry. You know, get out to the swamp.

 

Larry

 

Okay.

 

Kermit

 

We're everywhere.

 

Larry

 

Let's... when we come back, we'll talk a little bit about...

 

Piggy

 

That was it?

 

Larry

 

No, we're coming back. We have another segment.

 

Piggy

 

Three hours of makeup, and that was it?

 

Larry

 

No, we're coming back.

 

Kermit

 

Piggy...

 

Piggy

 

I'm off the show?

 

Larry

 

In fact, we have an offer to make to Kermit.

 

Piggy

 

Watch the hand.

 

Larry

 

I'm going to make... [ slow burn ] ... We'll be right back, with Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog, on Larry King Live, pre-Christmas Eve. Don't go away.

 

 

 

 

[ commercial break ]

 

Larry

 

International superstars on this pre-Christmas Eve edition of Larry King Live. They are Miss Piggy...

 

Piggy

 

Thank you.

 

Larry

 

The famous actress and model who recently played Emily Cratchit in The Muppet Christmas Carol.

 

Piggy

 

Thank you.

 

Larry

 

That is now out on video. And she's eligible for Academy Awards. And Kermit the Frog, the international superstar himself, the author. He recently starred in his fourth feature film, The Muppet Christmas Carol. By the way, I am asked now by the management of CNN to make you this offer. Kermit, this is for you, and then we'll talk a little bit about both of your lives.

 

Kermit

 

Okay.

 

Larry

 

Kermit, the management of CNN has authorized me to ask you if you would like to host this show April 1st of next year.

 

Kermit

 

April 1st?

 

Larry

 

I don't know why they picked that date.

 

Kermit

 

Maybe it's just a joke.

 

Larry

 

No, not a joke.

 

Kermit

 

No?

 

Larry

 

They would like you to sit in this chair, wear that outfit --

 

Kermit

 

Wow.

 

Larry

 

And we'll book guests for you, and you can interview them.

 

Kermit

 

Do I get to take phone calls?

 

Larry

 

You could take phone calls.

 

Kermit

 

Gee, that might be fun.

 

Larry

 

Say yes.

 

Kermit

 

I'll say yes, and I'll check my schedule.

 

Larry

 

You will do it, Kermit?

 

Kermit

 

I would love to do it.

 

Larry

 

We'll get you extra lice.

 

Kermit

 

Lice?

 

Larry

 

Extra ants.

 

Kermit

 

Sure.

 

Larry

 

Whatever it is you eat.

 

Kermit

 

Lice are fine, sure.

 

Larry

 

Okay. How about a double portion?

 

Kermit

 

Sounds great to me.

 

Larry

 

Okay, you've got it.

 

Kermit

 

Oh, that would be fun. I hope everybody...

 

Larry

 

You're going to host this show.

 

Kermit

 

Sure, fantastic.

 

Larry

 

Maybe someone will run for president. What do you think, Miss Piggy? He could be a star in a different medium.

 

Piggy

 

He's going to host the show?

 

Larry

 

He is. Oh, God, don't tell me you're jealous of that.

 

Piggy

 

No, no. Why should I be jealous? Not at all, no. What do you have for me, like, a raising mushrooms show at...

 

Kermit

 

Piggy... Piggy...

 

Piggy

 

Like a home ec show?

 

Larry

 

Calm her down, will you?

 

Kermit

 

Piggy, what about if...

 

Piggy

 

Fine, no, I'm just very...

 

Kermit

 

Well, listen...

 

Piggy

 

Look, I'm just very happy for you, that's all. From the heart. I'm truly happy for you.

 

Kermit

 

Piggy, listen...

 

Piggy

 

And I want to thank vous very much for offering this to my frog.

 

Kermit

 

Piggy, how about... how about if you come on the show when I host it?

 

Piggy

 

Oh, your show?

 

Kermit

 

Well, it's Larry's show.

 

Piggy

 

Fine.

 

Kermit

 

But, I mean, I can host --

 

Piggy

 

I'd rather not talk about it. Ask your next question, Larry.

 

Larry

 

Miss Piggy, I'm shocked...

 

Kermit

 

I'm sorry about this, Larry.

 

Larry

 

... that you would want to deny Kermit this little moment for him to host an international show.

 

Piggy

 

Lawrence, Lawrence... Did moi say that moi did not want moi's frog to host vous' show?

 

Larry

 

No, you did not say that.

 

Piggy

 

Fine, fine. I'm just making that clear. Moi only is saying that sometimes it's more appropriate for a pig to host this particular show. I've seen your show. Believe me, it's appropriate sometimes.

 

Larry

 

Okay, I'll tell you what. You can be here the same night.

 

Kermit

 

You know, Larry, I think she has a point about the pig thing.

 

Larry

 

Yeah, well, why don't you have her as one of your guests?

 

Kermit

 

Well... can I pick my own guests?

 

Larry

 

Yes. You meet with the producers.

 

Kermit

 

Oh, neat. Sure. I'll see if the Clintons are available.

 

Larry

 

Okay. I bet they'll come for you.

 

Kermit

 

Think so? You know, I was here last year, around the inauguration, and I was able to meet them.

 

Larry

 

What did they say to you?

 

Kermit

 

Well, they said, be very careful while you're up on my shoulder. You see, it's a long story. I got to sit on the First Lady's shoulder, during a special TV show. It was great fun.

 

Larry

 

Are you jealous?

 

Piggy

 

Am I in the way here?

 

Kermit

 

Well, a little...

 

Piggy

 

Excuse me. I mean, I came -- the limousine is outside. You have a star here, Lawrence.

 

Larry

 

Did you --

 

Piggy

 

Hear me talking?

 

Larry

 

Did it bug you when he sat on Hillary's shoulder? Pig?

 

Piggy

 

You have extraordinary eyes.

 

Larry

 

So do you, Miss Piggy.

 

Kermit

 

Piggy, don't flirt -- don't flirt with the host.

 

Larry

 

She does, Kermit. She's very pretty.

 

Kermit

 

Well, I didn't say she wasn't pretty. I just think she shouldn't come on to the host. I mean, I think that's a little -- you know, not exactly good taste.

 

Larry

 

Were you flirting with me, Miss Piggy?

 

Piggy

 

No, not really.

 

Larry

 

But you do like my eyes?

 

Piggy

 

Not really.

 

Larry

 

Okay.

 

Piggy

 

It was a put-on.

 

Kermit

 

She just wants to host the show, that's what it is.

 

Larry

 

Some questions for each of you, because I've got some personal information I didn't know. I didn't know that your father was killed in a tractor accident, Miss Piggy. That you were never close to your mother.

 

Kermit

 

Oh.

 

Larry

 

You're first learning this, Kermit?

 

Kermit

 

Well, yeah, gee, I --

 

Larry

 

Did you know that your fiancee, your girlfriend, left home as a teenager, after graduating from charm school? That her first job was at a department store selling gloves?

 

Piggy

 

I'm proud of that. I was alone. I was single. I'm proud of that. I made my own way.

 

Larry

 

As a model, she was forced to pose for certain ads -- one for a bacon product.

 

Kermit

 

Oh.

 

Piggy

 

I'd rather not talk about that.

 

Kermit

 

That's outrageous. You never told me that stuff, Piggy.

 

Piggy

 

This is something a woman sometimes has to do.

 

Larry

 

Her big break was as a hand model in commercials. And later, she auditioned for a talent contest that changed her life forever, where she met her adored frog, Kermit.

 

Kermit

 

Gee, that's very sweet.

 

Larry

 

Now, I'll tell you some things about him that you may not know.

 

Kermit

 

Are you sure you want to do that?

 

Larry

 

Yeah, this is a tell-all show. Miss Piggy, Kermit was born one of several thousand children...

 

Kermit

 

That's true.

 

Larry

 

... in a southern swamp. He has four thousand brothers and sisters.

 

Kermit

 

Well, at last count.

 

Larry

 

He says the most notable event in his whole adolescent life was his transformation from tadpole to frog.

 

Kermit

 

Well, you know, it was when I got my flippers, that was what was so great. I could walk around.

 

Larry

 

Do you remember that day?

 

Kermit

 

I could hop and walk. Sure.

 

Larry

 

Are you shocked by any of this, Miss Piggy?

 

Piggy

 

Not so far.

 

Larry

 

Okay. He made his network television --

 

Piggy

 

Just your tie is probably the most shocking thing I've seen.

 

Larry

 

What is the most shocking?

 

Piggy

 

Nothing. Sorry. Go ahead.

 

Larry

 

He made his network television debut on Steve Allen's Tonight Show in 1956.

 

Kermit

 

Long time ago.

 

Larry

 

Did you watch that show, Miss Piggy?

 

Piggy

 

I wasn't born then.

 

Kermit

 

Yes, she was.

 

Larry

 

He joined the cast of a new show, Sesame Street. You know that show.

 

Piggy

 

It's an old children's show, isn't it?

 

Larry

 

And he has become probably the most famous frog in the world.

 

Kermit

 

Well... Gee...

 

Piggy

 

Well, that's true. That's my frog.

 

Larry

 

When are you two going to get married?

 

Kermit

 

Larry, listen -- I... we... I just have to clear this up.

 

Larry

 

When are you going to get married?

 

Kermit

 

Well, we're not going to actually get married, Larry, because that's something... it's kind of a touchy subject.

 

Larry

 

Why?

 

Kermit

 

Well, because our relationship has been sort of, in the press, made out to be something that possibly it isn't, exactly.

 

Larry

 

Wait a minute. You mean all those tabloid stories are untrue?

 

Kermit

 

Well, yes.

 

Larry

 

Are you saying that you and Miss Piggy have not had an intimate relationship?

 

Kermit

 

Well, it depends on how you define the word intimate, I suppose.

 

Larry

 

I leave it up to you to define. Do you define it as intimate?

 

Kermit

 

Well, we're certainly good friends. We've worked very closely together. Right?

 

Larry

 

Miss Piggy, is he backing out?

 

Piggy

 

No, this is the usual response.

 

Larry

 

Oh, yeah?

 

Piggy

 

The truth is, we are married. And the truth is, I will not talk about intimate things. Moi am a lady. But we are married, and this is the public stance he must take for his fans. In private, we live together, and we're deeply happy.

 

Larry

 

What is your married name?

 

Kermit

 

Guess he's got you there, huh? What's your married name, Piggy?

 

Piggy

 

Miss the Frog.

 

Larry

 

Miss the Frog.

 

Piggy

 

Yes. That is Kermit the Frog, moi am Miss the Frog.

 

Larry

 

This is fascinating. But what if an offspring came along?

 

Kermit

 

Well, it would be very interesting.

 

Larry

 

It would be that.

 

Kermit

 

Let's just say...

 

Piggy

 

I'm very good with children. Very good with children.

 

Larry

 

But what kind of child would it be, do you think?

 

Piggy

 

A loved one, Lawrence. A loved one.

 

Larry

 

But what do you think it would look like, Miss Piggy?

 

Kermit

 

I shiver to think.

 

Piggy

 

It would be small.

 

Larry

 

Small?

 

Piggy

 

Yes.

 

Larry

 

Would it have, say, frog eyes and a pig nose?

 

Piggy

 

Does it matter? If it's loved? Lawrence? Does it truly matter?

 

Larry

 

No. And you would love it, wouldn't you? Do you want a child?

 

Piggy

 

Of course.

 

Larry

 

Kermit, do you want to be a dad?  [ slaps his hand on the table ]

 

Kermit

 

Well...

 

Piggy

 

Did you hit your hand there?

 

Kermit

 

Gee. I think he killed a fly.

 

Larry

 

No, I just --

 

Kermit

 

Could you save that?

 

Piggy

 

I don't understand, what is this fascination with two species? I mean, if one has love in one's heart, does it truly matter, Lawrence?

 

Larry

 

Well, it's the Christmas time of the year. It's the time of family.

 

Piggy

 

Yes.

 

Larry

 

It's the time of togetherness.

 

Piggy

 

Yes.

 

Larry

 

You two are one of the most famous couples in the world.

 

Piggy

 

True.

 

Larry

 

He denies the marital bliss in which you live.

 

Piggy

 

Which he has to do for his fans.

 

Larry

 

Okay, which he has to do for his fans, I understand.

 

Piggy

 

Yes, yes.

 

Larry

 

And so now, I bring up the obvious, an offispring. And there is curiosity. Don't you think, if you had an -- it would be as interesting as the night of, say, Murphy Brown's childbirth.

 

Piggy

 

Lawrence, all I'm saying is that, yes, we will at some time have children, yes. And --

 

Kermit

 

It would be curious, that's for sure.

 

Piggy

 

Excuse me.

 

Kermit

 

I'm sorry. Go ahead.

 

Piggy

 

Do you want to talk?

 

Kermit

 

No, no.

 

Piggy

 

I'll just stand back here. You talk.

 

Kermit

 

No, please, go right ahead.

 

Piggy

 

No, go ahead. You can do better than I can.

 

Kermit

 

Well, okay, all right. All I want to say is that --

 

Piggy

 

What I want to say, Larry, is that truly, yes, we will be having children, yes.

 

Larry

 

We have to leave you now. We're going to meet two people you know.

 

Piggy

 

So, he wasn't interested after all.

 

Larry

 

We're going to meet Frank --

 

Piggy

 

He doesn't care!

 

Kermit

 

We'll talk about this later, okay?

 

Larry

 

Don't argue!

 

Piggy

 

I'm talking about the most important thing...

 

Larry

 

Don't argue, it's Christmas. [ He slaps the table again. ]

 

Kermit

 

It's Christmas. We don't want to argue.

 

Piggy

 

Don't hurt your table. That's plastic.

 

Larry

 

Kermit...

 

Kermit

 

I'm sorry about this.

 

Larry

 

You do the show April 1st.

 

Kermit

 

I'd love to, Larry.

 

Larry

 

Any guest you want. You can even bring her.

 

Kermit

 

Well, I'll think about it.

 

Larry

 

Thank you, Miss Piggy. [ He extends his hand. ] You don't want to shake hands?

 

Piggy

 

Oh. I can't. I'm unable to.

 

Kermit

 

Well, get out of the way, then. I'll do it. [ He shakes Larry's hand. ]

 

Larry

 

Hey, my man.

 

Kermit

 

Sure. I don't want to be rude to the host, after all.

 

Piggy

 

How did you do that?

 

Kermit

 

Well, it's not easy.

 

Piggy

 

The shaking hands thing. I can't move my fingers.

 

Larry

 

We will be back with Cheryl Henson and Frank Oz. Say goodbye.

 

Piggy

 

Joyeux Noel.

 

Kermit

 

Happy New Year, everybody, and happy holidays.

 

Piggy

 

Hasta luego.

 

 

Come back next week

for the beginning of 

the March Anthology:

Coffee and Chow Mein!

 

February Anthology  --  Anthology Contents

 

 

Danny@ToughPigs.com