Tough Pigs Anthology

 

The Muppets Take Madison Avenue

March 2002

   

March Anthology  --  Anthology Contents

 

 

Part Two : Got Kraml?

Kraml milk ads

Late 1950's

 

   With the success of the Wilkins Coffee ads, Wilkins and Wontkins were also pressed into service to promote other Wilkins products, including the delightfully-named Kraml milk. (And yes, that's pronounced Kraml. Just like it's spelled.) 

 

   The Kraml milk ads followed a similar format to the Wilkins Coffee ads, which means that they were incredibly violent and insane. Be warned: You may never be able to look at a dairy product the same way again. 

 

 

"Love My Wilkins"

 

[ Wilkins is cuddling a carton of Kraml milk. ]

 

Wilkins

 

I really love my Kraml milk!

 

Wontkins

 

You oughta see a psychiatrist!

 

Wilkins

 

I did! That's who told me about Kraml! 

 

[ Wilkins snuggles against the carton. ]

 

Wilkins

 

I used to love my raincoat.

 

 

 

"Brand X"

 

[ Wilkins and Wontkins are cowboys, sitting around a campfire with a carton of Kraml milk. Wilkins is holding a stick in the fire. ]

 

Wilkins

 

How bout a glass of Kraml milk?

 

Wontkins

 

No, let me have Brand X!

 

 

[ Wilkins pulls the stick out of the fire -- it's a brand, with a big X on it. There's a sizzle as Wilkins brands Wontkins. ]

 

Wontkins

 

Ooh, that smarts!

 

 

 

Rocket Ship

 

[ Wilkins and Wontkins are standing next to a rocket shaped like a carton of Kraml milk. ]

 

Wilkins

 

Kraml's going to be the first milk on the moon!

 

 

 

[ The rocket explodes into tatters. ]

 

Wontkins

 

Now what?

 

Wilkins

 

Well, Kraml's still the best milk on Earth!

 

 

 

Traffic Court

 

[ Wilkins is a judge. Wontkins stands in the dock. Wilkins has a carton of milk at his bench. ]

 

Wilkins

 

Why were you speeding?

 

Wontkins

 

I wanted a glass of milk!

 

Wilkins

 

Kraml milk?

 

Wontkins

 

No, just any old kind!

 

[ A rattle of keys as a prison door slams on Wontkins' face. ]

 

Wontkins

 

Next time, I'll say Kraml!

 

 

 

Tunnel of Love

 

[ A carnival. Wilkins and Wontkins are in a boat, heading into the Tunnel of Love. Wilkins is dressed in a blond wig and white blouse. ]

 

Wilkins

 

After this, would you buy me a glass of Kraml milk?

 

 

[ The boat enters the tunnel. ]

 

Wontkins

 

NO!

 

[ Splash! Cut to the other side of the tunnel. Wilkins emerges in the boat, alone. ]

 

Wilkins

 

I only go for a man who drinks Kraml!

 

 

Next in the March Anthology:

The capitalism keeps on coming

as a suburban kitchen is invaded by

the La Choy Dragon!

 

March Anthology  --  Anthology Contents

 

 

Danny@ToughPigs.com