Grocery Store

[ Wontkins enters a grocery store. ]

Wontkins

What kind of coffee do you sell?

Wilkins

Wilkins Coffee!

Wontkins

Don't you have any other kind?

Wilkins

Sure, we have it. But we don't sell it!

Stranger

[ Wilkins and Wontkins are wearing cowboy hats and bandanas. Wilkins has a gun drawn on Wontkins. ]

Wilkins

Howdy, stranger. I hear you don't drink Wilkins Coffee.

Wontkins

Yeah, so what?

[ BANG! Wontkins falls. Wilkins turns his gun on the audience. ]

Wilkins

Now, there any other strangers in town?

William Tell

[ Wilkins is William Tell, with a bow and arrow. Wontkins trembles, an apple on his head. ]

Wontkins

Okay, William Tell, this better be good!

Wilkins

Do you drink Community Coffee?

Wontkins

[ offscreen ]  NO!

[ BOINNNNG! Wilkins lets the arrow fly. ]

Wilkins

[ shrugs ] We can still use the apple again.

Umpire

[ Wontkins has a baseball bat. Wilkins is dressed as an umpire. ]

Wontkins

Well, what was it? A ball or a strike?

Wilkins

Do you drink Community Coffee?

Wontkins

No!

Wilkins

Stee-rike three, you're OUT!

Survey

[ Wilkins has a pad and pencil. ]

Wilkins

Next question. What do you think of Wilkins Coffee?

Wontkins

It's wonderful! Delicious!

Wilkins

[ turns to audience: ] You see, friends --

Wontkins

Now pay me the ten bucks!

"Gossips"

[ Soap-opera organ music. Wilkins and Wontkins are dressed in blonde wigs and blouses. ]

Wilkins

How's your husband?

Wontkins

He takes me to dinner.

Wilkins

That's good!

Wontkins

And he drinks.

Wilkins

That's bad.

Wontkins

I mean he drinks Wilkins Coffee!

Wilkins

Oh, that's GOOD!

Sleeping Beauty

[ Fairy-tale castle bedroom. Wilkins enters, dressed in a prince costume, and approaches the bed. ]

Wilkins

Awake, Sleeping Beauty! It's Prince Charming, with Wilkins Coffee!

[ Wontkins pops up in the bed, wearing a blonde wig. ]

Wontkins

I don't drink Wilkins!

Wilkins

I've waited a hundred years for this old hag.

[ Wilkins grimaces. Wontkins ducks back under the covers. ]