Purina Dog Chow -- Asparagus

[ An asparagus farm. Rowlf and Baskerville are standing behind a picket fence. Baskerville is chomping on a stalk of asparagus. Both the voices are by Henson. ]

Baskerville

I tell ya, Rowlf, there's only one answer to this dog food problem. Aspareegus! Tender, succulent aspareegus!

Rowlf

Well, that may be all right for you, Baskerville, but I like Purina Dog Chow.

Baskerville

But aspareegus is nourishing! It's got vitamins!

Rowlf

Purina Dog Chow is more nourishing! It's got all 43 vitamins and minerals a fella needs to make him feel all dog!

Baskerville

Ha! Aspareegus tastes good!

Rowlf

Purina Dog Chow tastes better! It's flavor charged! Look, Baskerville, you go and enjoy your asparagus. It's past my chow time!

[ Baskerville exits. Rowlf eats Purina Dog Chow with a spoon, out of a dog bowl. Close up on Rowlf. ]

Announcer

Make chow time eager eater time for your dog.  [ Cut to: bag of Purina Dog Chow. ]  Feed him new flavor charged Purina Dog Chow -- so delicious, we guarantee your dog will love it, or your money back!

[ Baskerville pops up next to the bag. He looks around furtively. ]

Baskerville

And if your grocer happens to be out of Purina Dog Chow... try aspareegus!

[ Rowlf pops up and hits Baskerville with a mallet. Booooinnnngggg! Baskerville falls, and Rowlf nods to the camera. ]

Purina Dog Food -- Director

[ On the set of a TV commercial, with lights and curtains visible. There's a big box of Purina Dog Chow center stage. Rowlf enters as the director, with a beret and a megaphone. Baskerville stands by the box. ]

Rowlf

Quiet on the set, please. Now, Baskerville, in this commercial, when I say "CHOW TIME!", you leap from the package and run toward the camera. Right?

Baskerville

Right!  [ Baskerville ducks down into the box. ]

Rowlf

Okay. Lights! Camera! CHOW TIME!

[ The box rustles, but Baskerville doesn't come out. ]

Rowlf

Cut, cut. Now, what's the trouble, Baskerville?

Baskerville

I'm hungry!

Rowlf

Hungry? With all that delicious Purina Dog Chow in there?

Baskerville

[ pops out of package ]  You forgot to say flavor charged.

Rowlf

All right, flavor charged Purina Dog Chow. Now eat!

Baskerville

Uh, how about some water to bring out the flavor? 

Rowlf

All right.  [ Baskerville ducks back into the box. Rowlf pours water from a pitcher into the box. ]

Baskerville

[ gurgling ]  Oh, that's fine, Rowlf. Thanks!

Rowlf

Okay, let's go. Lights! Action! CHOW TIME!

[ The box rustles as Baskerville munches on the dog food. ]

Announcer

For real eager eater action at Chow Time, feed your dog new flavor charged Purina Dog Chow. So delicious, we guarantee your dog will love it, or your money back.

[ Baskerville bursts out through the box. ]

Baskerville

Of course, your dog may like it better in a bowl!

Esskay Meats -- Esskay Machine

[ Rowlf shows Pat a big complex machine with a lever and a conveyor belt. ]

Rowlf

Hey, Pat, I just invented an Esskay luncheon meat sandwich machine.

Pat

Oh, good -- just what I need!

Rowlf

Every time I pull this handle -- [ Ding! ] --. a different sandwich comes out.

Pat

Oh, look!

Rowlf

Look at these. There's an Esskay spiced luncheon meat. And then the next one coming out -- [ Ding! ] -- there's an Esskay olive loaf.

Pat

Oh, and they look delicious too! And it's no wonder. Esskay's been making quality meats for over one hundred years. And their luncheon meats are the world's best!

Rowlf

[ Ding! ] -- Hey, looky there. There's a bologna!

Pat

And every Esskay variety is made fresh every day, with pure beef and pure pork, and the finest imported spices.

Rowlf

[ Ding! ] -- There's a pepper loaf.

Pat

And you get something extra special and good eating.

Rowlf

[ Ding! ] -- Man, with these Esskay meats, you can sure tell that they're made up to a standard, not down to a price.

Pat

Oh, that's so true, Rowlf. Hey, can I try the machine?

Rowlf

Why not?

[ Pat pulls the lever. The machine makes a huge Clang! -- and all kinds of sandwiches roll off the conveyor belt. ]

Pat

Oh, my goodness!

Rowlf

Congratulations, Pat! You just hit the jackpot!

Pat

Oh, how wonderful! Oh, this is GRAND. Now we can all taste the difference Q-wal-ity makes.

Esskay Meats -- Dizzy Salami

[ Kitchen set. Rowlf is wearing a beret and sunglasses. As Pat enters, hipster Rowlf is scatting: Skee boop a doop boop... ]

Pat

I beg your pardon, sir. Have we met?

[ Rowlf lifts his shades and gives Pat the once-over. ]

Rowlf

Like, um... negative. My name's Salami. Dizzy Salami.

Pat

Salami?

Rowlf

Have you dug my group, the Luncehon Meat Five?

Pat

No, but I'm glad you're here. This is an Esskay commercial.

Rowlf

Esskay? Luncheon Meats?

Pat

Mmm hmm.

Rowlf

[ sings ]  Oh, Ess - Kay - oh pop a thorp - boop a doop boop scoop, fresh beef and pork!

Pat

Well, I'm glad to see that you like Esskay Luncheon Meats. [ Rowlf scats while Pat goes on. ] You know, they're made fresh daily of pure beef and pure pork with the perfect touch of rare imported spices. Esskay Luncheon Meats are deliciously tasty, because they're made up to a standard, not down to a price. And the variety -- well, it's practically endless... Bologna... spiced luncheon meat... olive loaf...

Rowlf

Olive loaf!

Pat

Yes.

Rowlf

Oh, now there's a singer.

Pat

Olive loaf is a singer?

Rowlf

Oh, yeah. Haven't you dug Olive's new album?

Pat

No.

Rowlf

Olive Loaf Swings Cole Porter.

Pat

Well, Olive Loaf swings with rye bread and mustard too, friend.

Rowlf

Reminds me of a song I just wrote five minutes ago.

Pat

Really?

Rowlf

Oh yes. The name of it is My Heart Belongs to Bierwurst.

Pat

Oh?

Rowlf

Have you heard it?

Pat

No.

Rowlf

I just wrote it. Listen to this. [ scats: ] Oh, Esskay ham and chicken loaf... Bologna and pepper loaf too... and Bavarian style... Bierwurst... 

Pat

Well, I hope you can get the idea, friends. For a huge variety of the world's most flavorful luncheon meats, buy Esskay -- and taste the difference Q-wal-ity makes.

Rowlf

I'm not finished yet!