Jimmy

You can have your Yogis, your Smokeys, and your Ditkas -- for my money, our next guest is the number one bear of all time. He made you laugh on The Muppet Show, and he'll take you on a magical trip over the rainbow in The Muppets' Wizard of Oz, right here on ABC next Friday night. Please give three wockas in a row -- to Fozzie Bear, everybody! 

[ The crowd cheers as Fozzie emerges from behind a curtain. ] 

Fozzie

Aaa-aaah! Thank you, thank you, and thank YOU! Hi, Ma! 

[ Fozzie settles in his chair. ] 

Jimmy

It's great to have you here... 

Fozzie

Hey, Jimmy!  

Jimmy

Fozzie, Ozzy -- Ozzy, Fozzie...  

[ Ozzy reaches out to shake Fozzie's hand. ] 

Fozzie

Oh, oh, wait -- which one am I, again? 

Jimmy

You're the one with the F. You're Fozzie. 

Fozzie

Fozzie, Fozzie. Ozzy! Hey! How ya doin'. 

Ozzy

Fine. 

Jimmy

Have you met Ozzy before? 

Fozzie

Yeah, actually, we have met. It's a funny thing, because people mistake us for each other all the time. 

Jimmy

Is that right? 

Fozzie

Just like I did, just now. Yeah, it's true.

Jimmy

What do you guys listen to? Do you listen to Ozzy's music, have you ever heard his music? 

Fozzie

Oh, sure, sure! You know, we tried to get him once for a big event we had, it was called FozzieFest.

[ Rimshot. ]

Jimmy

FozzieFest.

Fozzie

Yeah, but we couldn't get Black Sabbath, so we had to settle for a soundalike group called Maroon Bar Mitzvah.

[ Rimshot. ]

Jimmy

I see... Now you guys did or did not work together?

Fozzie

No, no. We almost worked together, but when Kermit came in wearing a cape, Ozzy almost bit his head off.

Jimmy

Oh, really. Oh my gosh.

Fozzie

It was scary. Yeah. But you're not mad at all, right? 

Ozzy

Yeah. 

Fozzie

Yeah! 

[ Ozzy makes a face. ] 

Jimmy

Fozzie, how do you like it here in Los Angeles? 

Ozzy

What am I doing, talking to a fucking glove puppet for? 

[ The crowd cheers, Ozzy laughs. Fozzie looks put out, and straightens his tie. ] 

Jimmy

The last time this happened, there was a terrible tragedy, as you can see...  

[ Jimmy shows a picture from the Queen's Concert a few years back, with Ozzy biting Kermit. ] 

Fozzie

Look, there's the picture! Yeah. 

Jimmy

So, you're here in Los Angeles. What are you doing, taking meetings? Do you have an agent?

Fozzie

Taking meetings? Why, is one missing? Aaaa-AAAAHHH! Thank you! No, no, I'm here now in LA, and you know, it's really tough here. You've gotta have an agent. So I got myself a rat. You know, those little rodents... 

Jimmy

Oh, you have an actual rat for your agent. 

Fozzie

Yeah, yeah. They're crawling all over the city, c'mon! 

[ Rimshot. ] 

Jimmy

I didn't know -- the drum didn't come in, so I didn't know we were supposed to laugh.  

Fozzie

Yeah, you know... We didn't rehearse this. 

Jimmy

Are you going to see the new Star Wars movie? 

Fozzie

Oh, yeah! I'm so excited! Kermit's standing in line waiting right now. We're taking turns. It's great. You know, I actually auditioned to be in a Star Wars movie once.  

Jimmy

You did! 

Fozzie

Yes! It's true! 

Jimmy

Auditioned for which role, one of the Ewoks? 

Fozzie

No, no, no -- Yoda.  

Jimmy

Oh, for Yoda! 

Fozzie

Yeah. Y'know, I got called back and everything. But can you believe it, they got some puppet instead!  

Jimmy

Well, that's the way it goes. It's a tough town. We actually have the audition tape -- 

Fozzie

Really! 

Jimmy

Of you and some other people, I'm not sure who exactly, auditioned for Star Wars... 

Fozzie

Oh, well, roll tape! 

[ They roll a clip of the Muppets auditioning for Star Wars -- it's an interstitial they filmed for Odyssey a few years ago, actually, which is very timely now. ] 

Director

Yoda screen test, take one! 

Kermit

Mighty Jedi master is he?  

Pepe

He is mighty Gemini master, okay! Strong in the Force he is, okay.

Animal

YODA, YODA! 

Fozzie

Aaaah! Hi! You seek Yoda! 

Kermit

Strong in him the Force is... Is it supposed to be like this?

Director

Next!

Pepe

These ears don't fit too good, okay. 

Director

That's all right. 

Animal

Yoda Jedi master Yoda. 

Director

Thank you, uh, no. 

Animal

Thank you. 

Pepe

I could be taller, okay.  

Director

Next! 

Pepe

Unbelievable. 

Fozzie

Too much talka-talka, not enough wocka-wocka! Yeah? 

Director

No.

[ The audience cheers as they come back from the clip. ] 

Fozzie

I thought it was good, huh? 

Jimmy

You would have been great. 

Fozzie

I would've gone into makeup.  

Jimmy

Definitely. I'm sorry you didn't get that job. 

Fozzie

Aw. It's okay. 

Jimmy

But what you did get, you are in The Muppets' Wizard of Oz.  

Fozzie

Yes!  

Jimmy

Tell me about The Muppets' Wizard of Oz. How is this different from the regular Wizard of Oz? 

Fozzie

Well, uh... it's not. No. It's the same story, only with a Muppet take on things. I play the Cowardly Lion, yeah, the mane part... Aaaa-aaahhh! 

[ Rimshot. ] 

Fozzie

Kermit is the Scarecrow, and we've got Ashanti in it, and Queen Latifah, and David Alan Grier -- oh, he is a funny guy, too!  

Jimmy

I'm sorry -- did Fozzie Bear just say the words Queen Latifah? Now, Fozzie, you did stand-up comedy for a long time -- I mean, you were on the road with Carlin, with Richard Pryor, with, I think Sam Kinison... 

Fozzie

Yeah, don't forget Pink Lady and Jeff. 

Jimmy

Do you do it anymore? Because I'd love for you to do some stand-up comedy for us tonight. 

Fozzie

Awww...

[ The audience cheers, and Ozzy joins in. ] 

Fozzie

No, no, I don't... unless there's a mirror around...  

Jimmy

Just two minutes would be great, if you could -- even some of the old stuff, whatever you want to do. We'd love to have you do it.  

Fozzie

Really? [ Fozzie looks out to the audience. ] You would? You would? Then I'll do it! I'll do it for you!  

Jimmy

All right! We're going to take a commercial break -- Fozzie Bear is here, Muppets' Wizard of Oz on Friday May 20th. He's going to do some stand-up comedy when we come back! We'll be right back... 

[ Back from commercial... ] 

Jimmy

We have a special treat tonight... one of the great stand-up comedians of all time has agreed to step into our spotlight. He's adored worldwide by humans and animals alike. Please say hello to TV star, movie star, but most of all, comedian extraordinaire, the inimitable Fozzie Bear, everyone! 

Fozzie

Wocka wocka wocka wocka! Hey! I'm Fozzie Bear, and this is professional show business comedy! Yeah! Tonight, we're gonna grin and bear it! 

[ Rimshot. ] 

Fozzie

You grin... Not yet, I didn't get to the punchline. You grin, and I'll bear it!

[ Rimshot. ] 

Fozzie

Thank you! But hey, it's not always easy being a bear. Yeah, take yesterday, I got into a fight with a panda. Yeah. Why is everything always black and white with those guys? Aaaah! Yes! 

Rizzo

Pssst... Fozzie, Fozzie...  

Fozzie

What?  

Rizzo

Hey, down here, down here. You're doing great, keep it up. He's great, ain't he? Yeah, yeah! This is so lucrative. Heh heh.  

Fozzie

Thanks, uh... My agent, folks...  

Fozzie

Hey, uh, why did the chicken cross the road? Because she was getting married and got cold feet! Aaaah!  

[ Rimshot. ] 

Fozzie

Runaway bride, she was chicken! Ah ha ha! Oh, the bear even does topical! Oh, I am so fun-neee! 

Rizzo

Hey, look, look! Ozzy loves ya! Yeah! Ozzy loves ya! Ha ha ha!

Rizzo

More topical, more topical! 

Fozzie

More topical. Okay. 

Rizzo

Yeah, yeah. Do the Star Wars one. 

Fozzie

St -- Star what? 

Rizzo

Star Wars! 

Fozzie

Star... Warts?

Rizzo

Star WARS! 

Fozzie

Star Worms? 

Rizzo

Oh, brother. 

Fozzie

Ah, forget it. I'll do the Star Wars joke.

Fozzie

Okay, so. Did you hear that I'm in the new Star Wars movie? Yeah, it's true! I play Wocka Wocka, the funny Wookiee. I do stuff like this: (ahem) Here's my Wookiee. Arrrrrrrrr! Arrrrrrrrr!

Rizzo

Uh oh. 

Fozzie

I have no idea what I just said, but it kills on the Death Star.

Rizzo

Yeah, it's killing here too. I believe it's suicide. Move on, move on! Faster, funnier! You're killin' us out here!

Fozzie

Okay, uh... Is this an audience or a screening of House of Wax?

[ The audience cheers. ]

Fozzie

Oh! They do like me! Jimmy! Jimmy, you've gotta have me back! Your audience loves me! Oh! Oh, thank you!

Rizzo

Yeah! He did it, he did it! Ha ha ha.

Jimmy

There you go. Fozzie Bear, everybody! We'll be right back!