Sullivan

"So Santa Claus had been mysteriously led away by two weird creatures who worked for Cosmo Scam. And deep beneath the North Pole, in the cave of the wicked magician, there was much excitement. Even Cosmo's furry henchmen, the Frackles, were nervous." 

Frackle

Hey, there's Santa Claus! 

Thig

Here he is, Mister Cosmo!

Santa

Well, well, well! What have we here?

Cosmo

I'll tell ya what we have here, we have you here, that's what we've got here, and it's gonna stay that way.

Santa

Oh?

Cosmo

Yes... 

Frackle

You're in the presence of the wicked magician, the King of Evil, the terrible Cosmo Scam!

Santa

It's a pleasure to meet you, Mister Scam! Oh, by the way -- can you do the disappearing coin trick?

(Santa tries some sleight of hand, and the coin drops on the floor.)

Cosmo

No, I can't do that one either. I do other kinds of magic. Evil kind of magic! Like poison apples. Hundred years' sleep. And stuff like this...

(Cosmo waves his hand, and makes an explosion.) 

Santa

Why, that's wonderful! I've always wanted to know someone who could do that.

Cosmo

Well, I could teach you... it's an old trick, it would take about twenty minutes. I learned it in -- Wait, wait a minute. I just kidnapped you. Why are you so nice to me?

Santa

I was just being sociable.

Cosmo

Well, stop it!

Santa

I'm sorry. Who are these gentlemen?

Cosmo

Oh, those gentlemen behind you, the fellas who brought you here: That's Thig, and that's Thog.

Thig

I'm Thig!

Thog

And I'm... uhhhh... which one are you?

Thig

Thig!

Thog

Oh. He's Thig, and I'm, uh... I'm the other one.

Cosmo

Not too bright, but they come in handy once in a while. These other assorted evil-looking characters around here, these are my Frackles. 

Frackles

Yeah!

Santa

I'm pleased to meet you.

Cigar Box

Are you... are you really Santa Claus?

Santa

Yes, I am. Would you like ol' Santa Claus to bring you something for Christmas?

Cigar Box

Well... I'd like a baseball mitt!

Santa

Have you been a good boy?

(Cosmo slams the cigar box shut.)

Cosmo

Why are you being so nice when I'm trying to be so evil? 

Santa

Well, I'm sorry if it bothers you... but, you see, I'm always nice to people. I'm Santa Claus.

Cosmo

Oh, no. Oh, no, you're not. Not anymore, you're not.

Santa

I beg your pardon? 

Cosmo

Let me introduce you to the new Santa Claus! 

Santa

That looks just like me...

Cosmo

Glad ya like it, Claus.

Frackles

Yeah! Yeah!

Santa

Cosmo! What a wonderful trick! It really is you! 

Cosmo

You bet your beard, it is!

Santa

And... you intend to take my place?

Cosmo

Ya see, Santa, it's like this. I want you to listen... I think you'll find it very interesting. 

(Cosmo starts to sing.)

Cosmo

I've always felt that to justify my birth,

I'd like to do something of lasting worth.

So I made a vow to leave this Earth

Just a little bit worse than I found it.

That was my goal when I began,

Now I steal from the rich -- and the poor, when I can.

And I use my money to fulfill my plan --

To make about a million bucks!

Cause... therrrrre's...

A bundle to be made in the world today,

It can't be very hard if you know the way...

Just remember, my friend, that crime does pay!

There's a bundle to be made today!

Frackles

Yeah! Woo-hooo!

Cosmo

Claus, old boy, I've spent my life doing a lot of rotten things. Right, men? 

Frackle

Yeah! You bet!

Cosmo

Hold it, hold everything. I don't deserve that much praise.

Frackle

Anything you say, boss!

Cosmo

Anyway, from now on, I'm gonna make my money on Santa Claus.

Santa

Now, honestly, Mister Cosmo, how do you intend to make this money?

Cosmo

Dishonestly! Right, guys?

Frackles

Right! Yeah!

Cosmo

Tell me, SC, have you ever given any thought to being a burglar?

Santa

None whatsoever.

Cosmo

Well, I'll tell ya something. The easy part about being a burglar is stealing stuff. But the hard part is getting into people's houses to steal it. People just don't like burglars in their houses. On the other hand, no one minds if Santa Claus comes into his house on Christmas Eve. Follow me? So tonight, I will put on my fuzzy white beard and long red woolies... I will fly off in my sleigh with eight little reindeer... I will land on roofs, and slide down chimneys... and I will burglarize everybody in the world! 

Frackles

YEAHHH!!! 

Cosmo &

Frackles

Oh, there's a bundle to be made at Christmas time,

So let's all go and lead a life of crime.

Cosmo

And no one is suited for crime like IIIII'm...

Frackles

We'll make a mint at Christmas time!

(Cosmo and the Frackles dance around in demented glee.)

Cosmo &

Frackles

We'll make a mint at Christmas time!

We'll make a mint at Chrissssst-massss tiiiime!

Santa

That's not a very nice plan.

Cosmo

I like it. All right, Thig and Thog, throw Santa Claus into the dungeon, and then stay with him! But see that he doesn't get hurt. After all, he is a legend in his own time.

Thig

Gotcha, boss! 

Santa

You're making a big mistake, Cosmo! 

Cosmo

Awright, everybody out, everybody out!

Cosmo

Well, Lothar? I did it. I captured Santa Claus.

Lothar

Hooray for the home team.

Cosmo

Now there's nothing to do until tonight, when I fly off in the sleigh and steal all that stuff.

Lothar

Not so. 

Cosmo

How's that? 

Lothar

Well, according to the plan, you're supposed to spend the day watching Santa's elves.

Cosmo

Oh, yeah. I forgot. The whole plan depends on everyone thinkin' that I'm the real Santa Claus.

Lothar

Exactly, oh pirate of treachery.

Cosmo

So I gotta do just what exactly everybody would think Santa Claus would do, right? 

Lothar

Mmm hmm. 

Cosmo

And they'd probably think that he'd be keepin' his eye on his crummy elves. 

Lothar

Precisely, oh keeper of crumbs.

Cosmo

Hey, by the way...  

Lothar

Mmmm? 

Cosmo

Whatta ya say to an elf, anyway? 

Lothar

Well, Santa Claus goes ho ho ho a lot.

Cosmo

Ho ho ho a lot? 

Lothar

Mmm, somethin' like that. 

Cosmo

Well, I'll try it. Ho ho ho. That's it. Ho ho ho, it is!

Lothar

Right.

Cosmo

Ho ho ho! Ho. Ho. Ho! 

Lothar

Farewell, oh master of mirth!