Tough Pigs Anthology

December 2005

 

Santa Maybe

Ernie and Bert meet Sinterklaas

 

page 1  --  page 2  --  page 3  --  page 4  --  page 5  --  page 6

 

 

 

The Well Filled Shoe  (De Volle Schoen)

 

Bert

 

The kids at home sang along nice and loudly, huh. That's probably because it's the most beautiful Sinterklaas song I know. It's all about getting as many presents as possible from Sinterklaas.

 

Ernie

 

No, it's not, Bert!

 

Bert

 

It's not, huh? What, do you want as few presents as possible from Sinterklaas? Maybe you won't get anything.

 

Ernie

 

I didn't get anything in my shoes this morning.

 

Bert

 

See? There you have it. I did. I found an enormous pigeon in my shoe. Made of chocolate.

 

Ernie

 

Your shoe's made of chocolate?

 

Bert

 

No. My shoe's made of shoe. But that pigeon was made of chocolate.

 

Ernie

 

Oooh, show me.

 

Bert

 

You tell me what was in your shoe first.

 

Ernie

 

Nothing. I told you, there was nothing in my shoe.

 

Bert

 

Yeah, but... how...

 

Ernie

 

And I had put two pairs of shoes by the fireplace. My regular shiny shoes, and my nice dirty sneakers. Well, when I looked at my shoes this morning to see what was in them...

 

Bert

 

Yes? Yes? Say it!

 

Ernie

 

Nothing.

 

Bert

 

What did you say?

 

Ernie

 

Nothing.

 

Bert

 

I thought you said something.

 

Ernie

 

I said, nothing.

 

Bert

 

Come on, Ernie. Tell me!

 

Ernie

 

There was nothing in my shoes, Bert! I put four shoes by the fireplace, and there was nothing in it. 

 

Bert

 

Made of chocolate?

 

Ernie

 

No. "Nothing" can't be made of chocolate.

 

Bert

 

Or marzipan?

 

Ernie

 

Or speculaas.

 

Bert

 

Oh, I like speculaas too. I once got a cat made of speculaas from Sinterklaas. Not a real cat, but one made of Sinterklaas. I mean, speculaas. Uhm...

 

Ernie

 

Keehee. Cottage cheese? An Easter Bunny?

 

Bert

 

An Easter Bunny? That's made of chocolate. But I had a cat made of speculaas. Not a real cat. A real cat is not made of speculaas. A real cat's just made of cat. And today my shoe was filled again. With that chocolate pigeon.

 

Ernie

 

I didn't get anything, Bert. I had nothing. Sniff.

 

Bert

 

Would you like half of my chocolate pigeon, Ernie?

 

Ernie

 

No, Bert, that's not necessary. You can eat your chocolate pigeon all by yourself.

 

Bert

 

Don't you even want a piece?

 

Ernie

 

No, Bert. That pigeon is yours. It was in your shoe. I don't want any.

 

Bert

 

Oh, thank goodness, Ernie, because I ate it all up at once. My stomach still hurts a bit because I could hardly eat it all by myself. But it was mine.

 

Ernie

 

Bert? Why didn't I get anything in my shoes?

 

Bert

 

Because you put four shoes by the fireplace. That looks greedy. And if you're greedy, you won't get anything.

 

Ernie

 

Oh, I did get something. Next to my sneaker, the one with a bit of poo on it, there was a note.

 

Bert

 

POO?! Ernie, you're saying dirty words!

 

Ernie

 

What did I say, Bert?

 

Bert

 

You said poo.

 

Ernie

 

Now you said it too, Bert! Keeheehee! But there was a note next to my one sneaker.

 

Bert

 

Yes... tell me what was on that note!

 

Ernie

 

The one I found next to my sneaker with a little poo on it because I had stepped in poo the other day? You mean that note?

 

Bert

 

Stop it, Ernie.

 

Ernie

 

I thought you wanted to know what the note from Sinterklaas said.

 

Bert

 

I do. Come on!

 

Ernie

 

The note said: "Look in Bert's shoe." And I looked, but your shoe was empty.

 

Bert

 

At first it wasn't. The chocolate pigeon was in there. But I ate it.

 

Ernie

 

Didn't you get a note? Or a nice poem?

 

Bert

 

No, I ate that immediately. I mean, I haven't read that yet. I didn't have time for that. I was busy eating my pigeon.

 

Ernie

 

Where is your note?

 

Bert

 

Oh, I threw it... I laid it in the wastebasket.

 

Ernie

 

Oh, I'll get it.

 

Bert

 

Give me, Ernie. It's MY note!

 

Ernie

 

Shall I read it, Bert?

 

Bert

 

No! No, I want to read it. Come on. There.

 

The Pigeon

This is a chocolate pigeon, made of chocolate so sweet

But listen what I have to say, before you start to eat.

 

Ah-ha-ha-ha! Funny poem, huh, Ernie? What shall we do? Oh, right, we can't do anything, we were waiting.

 

Ernie

 

Bert. The poem's not over yet. It goes on. Wait, let me read it.

 

Bert

 

No, not now, Ernie. Not all at once.

 

Ernie

 

That pigeon may be lying in Bert's saddle shoe

It's there for Bert AND Ernie, so this is what you do:

You break it in half, then you'll have twice the fun

But I'm about to miss the train, so now the poem is done.

 

Bert

 

That poem can't be from Sinterklaas. He doesn't travel by train. He rides a white horse. Shall we sing?

 

Ernie

 

It IS from Sinterklaas, Bert.

 

Bert

 

Let's sing "Hear who's knocking, kids?"

 

Ernie

 

It's signed "Saint and Pete," so it's from Sinterklaas. And it also says: "Pssst -- we're coming to visit you tomorrow night!"

 

Bert

 

Tomorrow night?

 

Ernie

 

Yes, but tomorrow night is now.

 

Bert

 

No. Now is now. Tomorrow night is tomorrow night.

 

Ernie

 

Bert? When did you find that note in your shoe?

 

Bert

 

This morning. Very early. Because I couldn't sleep.

 

Ernie

 

Well. So Sinterklaas won't come tonight. He's coming tomorrow night.

 

Bert

 

I'd better go to bed. Good night, Ernie. I'll put my shoes here again.

 

Ernie

 

Wait a minute.

 

Bert

 

No, Ernie. I'm going to bed. I've had enough.

 

Ernie

 

The poem was in your shoe this morning, but Saint and Pete must have put it in your shoe last night. So that means that tomorrow night is now. Not tomorrow night.

 

Bert

 

I don't get that. Explain that tomorrow, Ernie.

 

 

 

 

Who's Knocking?  (Wie Klopt Daar?)

 

 

 

(KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!)

 

Ernie

 

Who's that tapping?!

 

Bert

 

Oh, Ernie, that must be him! That must be him! Oooohhh...

 

Bert & Ernie

 

Open the door for Saint Nicholas

For his white horse, and for Pete

Take him inside and ask him lots of questions

He can sit in the most beautiful chair

Tell him we're happy he's here

We are, aren't we? Am I wrong about that?

Saint can stay here as long as he wants

It's warm at our place, and it's chilly outside

So open the door for Saint Nicholas

For his white horse, and for Pete

Take him inside and ask him lots of questions

He can sit in the most beautiful chair

 

Ernie

 

Bert?

 

Bert

 

Yeah, Ernie?! Yeah, yeah?! 

 

Ernie

 

That's not knocking at the door, Bert. Listen. That's somebody using a hammer.

 

Bert

 

What a shame... I thought that was Sinterklaas knocking. Oh well, then I'll just sit in the most beautiful chair...

 

(RING!!!)

 

Ernie

 

Someone's ringing!

 

Bert

 

That must be him, Ernie! That must be him!

 

Bert & Ernie

 

Open the door for Saint Nicholas

For his white horse, and for Pete

Take him inside and ask him lots of questions

He can sit in the most beautiful chair

Tell him we're happy he's here

We are, aren't we? Am I wrong about that?

Saint can stay here as long as he wants

It's warm at our place, and it's chilly outside

So open the door for Saint Nicholas

For his white horse, and for Pete

Take him inside and ask him lots of questions

He can sit in the most beautiful chair

 

Ernie

 

Bert? That wasn't the doorbell. That was the telephone.

 

Bert

 

Oh no. What a shame. Who was that calling?

 

Ernie

 

I don't know. I picked up the phone and all I heard was "Beep beep beep beep beep..."

 

Bert

 

Ohhhh...

 

(KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK)

 

Bert

 

Yeah, I know, I know.

 

Ernie

 

Bert, who's knocking?

 

Bert

 

That's not knocking. I don't know what it is, but it's not knocking.

 

Ernie

 

Somebody's knocking at the door, Bert!

 

Bert

 

Stop kidding me.

 

Ernie

 

Open that door! That must be him! Bert!

 

Bert

 

Okay, one more time. We'll try once more... I hope it's him. I hope it's him...

 

Bert & Ernie

 

Open the door for Saint Nicholas

For his white horse, and for Pete

Take him inside and ask him lots of questions

He can sit in the most beautiful chair

Tell him we're happy he's here

We are, aren't we? Am I wrong about that?

Saint can stay here as long as he wants

It's warm at our place, and it's chilly outside

So open the door for Saint Nicholas

For his white horse, and for Pete

Take him inside and ask him lots of questions

He can sit in the most beautiful chair

 

 

 

 

Grover's Beautiful Poem  (Grover's Mooie Gedicht)

 

Bert

 

Welcome, Dear Holy Man.

 

Grover

 

(stumbles in) OOOHH! May I come in? Something terrible has happened!

 

Ernie

 

Take it easy, Grover...

 

Grover

It is nice and warm in here. It is so chilly outdoors. Hi, Bert. Where is Ernie? Oh, there he is.

 

Ernie

 

Hi, Grover.

 

Grover

 

Hi, Ernie! OOOHHHH -- may I sit here?

 

Bert

No, that's Saint Nicholas' seat. You can't sit there.

 

Grover

 

Oh, I do not know him. Is he a friend of Ernie's?

 

Bert

 

No, Grover. Saint Nicholas and Black Pete. You know them, right?

 

Grover

 

Are they coming? Where? When? Why?!

 

Bert

 

They should have been here by now. But I guess Sinterklaas is stuck in a traffic jam.

 

Grover

But I do not want... I do not know, when he comes... Where is the closet?

 

Bert

 

Behind you. There's a closet behind you, but it's filled with clothes.

 

Ernie

 

What's the matter, Grover? Why are you so nervous?

 

Grover

 

Can I have a glass of water?

 

Bert

 

I'll get you a glass of water. Ernie, if Sinterklaas knocks, could you open the door? You can't let him stay outside too long.

 

Grover

 

It is terrible, Ernie. I got a poem in my shoe this morning, but I cannot read it at all. I can read a little bit, but after a while I cannot read any further.

 

Ernie

 

Where is it? Give it to me, I'm a good reader. I'll read it for you.

 

Grover

 

I have it right here... oh no, I FORGOT IT! Oh no, wait, here it is.

 

Ernie

 

What does it say?

 

Grover

 

Let's see. It says:

 

Saint and Pete don't know -- does Grover like

A nice book, or freshly baked goods -- he'll get a new bike.

 

And I cannot read the rest. And I did not even get a new bike. There was a car in my shoe. What could it be?

 

Ernie

 

Let's see... I can't read it very well either.

 

Grover

It says here I will get a new bike. But I did not get a new bike. What a mean thing to do.

 

Ernie

 

Have you looked outside, Grover?

 

Bert

 

Is Sinterklaas here yet, Ernie?

 

Ernie

 

I can't read this.

 

Bert

 

What can't you read?

 

Ernie

 

You try it.

 

 Bert

 

What is this?

 

Grover

 

It is a poem I found in my shoe. It says I will get a bike, but I did not get one.

 

Bert

 

Let's see.

 

Saint and Pete don't know -- does Grover like

A nice book, or freshly baked goods -- OR a new bike.

 

It doesn't say you're getting a bike, Grover. It's not that great a poem either. But it doesn't say you're getting a bike.

 

Grover

 

I thought I would get a bike.

 

Bert

 

No, you won't. It goes on.

 

Does Grover like sugar and spice, or is he wise?

Or is he afraid -- this car is beautifully made.

 

Grover

 

There was a car in my shoe. A very little car. Not a big car.

 

Ernie

 

A small car can be pretty too, Grover.

 

Bert

 

That is true.

 

Grover

 

Big cars are prettier!

 

Ernie

 

Not necessarily.

 

Bert

 

A big car can be ugly, too.

 

 

 

 

Bert Knows Everything  (Bert Weet Het Beter)

 

Grover

 

Do you know everything?

 

Bert

 

Sometimes I know everything.

 

Ernie

 

Sometimes you don't.

 

Bert

 

No, I know everything. I know everything.

 

Ernie

 

It's getting cold.

 

Bert

 

It's not cold, it's just like spring. I know everything.

 

Grover

 

Look, Ernie. This piece of lint was tied around the car.

 

Bert

 

That's not lint, that's a shoestring. I know everything.

 

Grover

 

I'd better go. I'll go visit Frans.

 

Bert

 

His name's not Frans, his name is Bing. I know everything.

 

Grover

 

I am so scared of Sinterklaas...

 

Bert

 

It's not cold, it's just like spring. I know everything.

 

 

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Danny@ToughPigs.com

 

 

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