Tough Pigs Anthology

December 2005

 

Santa Maybe

Ernie and Bert meet Sinterklaas

 

page 1  --  page 2  --  page 3  --  page 4  --  page 5  --  page 6

 

 

 

Ernie is Naughty  (Ernie is Stout)

 

Sinterklaas

 

Pete, take the first present out of the sack.

 

Pete

 

All right, Sinterklaas. Let's see who it's for. It's for... Bert.

 

Bert

 

Ah-hah-hah-ha! Thank you, Sinterklaas!

 

Ernie

What is it, Bert?

 

Bert

 

Oh, how pretty! A pigeon cage made out of marzipan!

 

Ernie

 

That's a pigeon loft.

 

Bert

 

Thank you, Sinterklaas!

 

Ernie

 

Hey Bert, your chocolate pigeon can live there.

 

Bert

 

No, it can't. I ate that already.

 

Ernie

 

Did you eat that chocolate pigeon all by yourself? Keeheehee.

 

Bert

 

No, the two of us did. We shared it, right?

 

Pete

 

The next present is for... Ernie. And hurry up, please.

 

Ernie

Oh. It's a small present. But that doesn't mean anything. I don't know what it is.

 

Bert

 

What is it, Ernie?

 

Ernie

 

I don't know. Oh, it's a... it's a pencil. Thank you, Sinterklaas.

 

Bert

 

Let me see. Is it a special pencil, Ernie?

 

Ernie

 

No. It's a regular pencil.

 

Sinterklaas

 

That's just what you wanted, right?

 

Ernie

 

What? Uhm, yes, yes. It's not much, but I don't mind at all. I'm happy with a small present, too.

 

Sinterklaas

 

Good, Ernie. That's just what I wanted to hear.

 

Ernie

But a big present is a lot more fun.

 

Sinterklaas

 

What was that, Ernie? What did you say?

 

Ernie

 

That a big present is... more fun. Bert got a big pigeon loft, and I got a little pencil.

 

Grover

 

I did not get anything. Nothing!

 

Sinterklaas

 

The sack is not empty yet.

 

Pete

 

The next present is for... Bert.

 

Grover

 

Bert again?! Bert got something already!

 

Sinterklaas

 

Don't be greedy, Grover.

 

Grover

 

I am not greedy! All I am saying is that Bert got a present already and I did not.

 

Ernie

 

What could that be, Bert?

 

Bert

There's another wrapping paper... Ooooh! That says "Ernie"!

 

Ernie

 

It's for me. It's round, and fat. It looks like a ball... Hey, look, more paper. And it says: "For Grover"!

 

Grover

 

Ooooh! A ball! I hope it is a ball, I love balls... IT IS A BALL! Thank you, Sinterklaas, for the pretty ball!

 

Sinterklaas

 

Maybe you could sing for me.

 

Ernie

 

We already did that. Can I ask you something, Sinterklaas? That beard of yours, is that a real beard?

 

Sinterklaas

 

Of course it's a real beard.

 

Bert

 

Can't you see that, Ernie?

 

Ernie

 

Can I pull it?

 

Grover

 

No, do not do that, Ernie!

 

Sinterklaas

Ow!!

 

Ernie

It's real.

 

Pete

 

You hurt Sinterklaas!

 

Grover

 

What have you done?!

 

Sinterklaas

 

(whispers) Pete, shall we leave? It hurts when they pull my beard.

 

Pete

 

(whispers) Let's go. We'll have a drink.

 

Sinterklaas

 

(whispers) Let's hit the road.

 

Ernie

 

I, I, I... I didn't realize that hurt you, Sinterklaas.

 

Sinterklaas

I'd better go.

 

Bert

 

Now Sinterklaas is leaving. That's your fault because you pulled his beard.

 

Ernie

 

I did not know that...

 

Sinterklaas

 

I'm not pulling your hair either, am I?

 

Grover

 

I told you so! Please stay, because I have not gotten enough presents yet!

 

Sinterklaas

 

Well, then we'll stay.

 

Grover

 

I have to have more!

 

 

 

 

Peppernuts and Apples  (Pepernoten En Appels)

 

Sinterklaas

 

Do you want to sing some more for me?

 

Ernie

 

All right.

 

Bert

 

Ernie? Sing that song about "Peppernuts and Apples". Sinterklaas will like that. And you sing it beautifully.

 

Grover

 

I do not know that song.

 

Ernie

 

Would you like that, Sinterklaas?

 

Sinterklaas

 

I have to hear it first.

 

Ernie

 

All right, it goes like this.

 

Peppernuts and apples, you won't believe your eyes

Peppernuts and apples, better than french fries

The apples are healthy, but peppernuts are wrong

Peppernuts and apples, that's the end of the song

 

Bert

 

Ah-hah-hah-ha!

 

Ernie

 

Keeheehee. That's the end. It's a short song. I learned it from someone I met on the street.

 

Sinterklaas

 

I don't know what to say. Could you sing it again?

 

Ernie

 

Yes, but Bert has to sing along.

 

Bert

 

No, I can't sing very well. I won't sing. Rather not.

 

Sinterklaas

 

In the song, you say "Apples are healthy." That's true.

 

Ernie

 

That's why I sang it.

 

Sinterklaas

 

Could you sing it again?

 

Ernie

 

All right. Pay attention, Saint.

 

Sinterklaas

 

I'm listening.

 

Ernie

 

Peppernuts and apples, you won't believe your eyes

Peppernuts and apples, better than french fries

The apples are healthy, but peppernuts are wrong

Peppernuts and apples, that's the end of the song

 

Sinterklaas

 

Yes. Hahahaha. It's short, but to the point. Peppernuts aren't healthy, but they're delicious. Pete, throw some candy around.

 

Pete

 

I don't have that much left anymore.

 

Sinterklaas

 

Yes. We still have a long way to go, so...

 

Pete

 

I lost a few peppernuts on the way. There's a hole in my sack.

 

Sinterklaas

 

You always do that. How did you like that song?

 

Pete

 

I... kind of liked it.

 

Sinterklaas

 

You think you can do it?

 

Pete

 

Of course.

 

Sinterklaas

 

Try it. I'm curious.

 

Pete

 

(impatiently)

 

Peppernuts and apples, you won't believe your eyes

Peppernuts and apples, better than french fries

The apples are healthy, but peppernuts are wrong

Peppernuts and apples, that's the end of the song

 

And now we really have to go, Saint.

 

Sinterklaas

 

Ernie sang it better. I thought Ernie sang it better. We have to be going.

 

 

 

 

Bert Wants a Beard Too  (Bert Wil Ook Een Baard)

 

Bert

 

By the way, you have a beautiful beard, Sinterklaas.

 

Sinterklaas

 

You think so? I think it's kind of short.

 

Bert

 

No, I think it's very long. I've never seen such a long beard before. How did it get so long?

 

Grover

Did the kids pull it?

 

Sinterklaas

 

No, I grew it for a few hundred years.

 

Grover

 

That is a long time.

 

Sinterklaas

Every now and then I trim it, but it could have been a little longer. But then I'd trip on it. This is a pleasant length, a bit short. But still handy.

 

Ernie

 

Is that something you want, Bert? A long beard like that?

 

Bert

 

Could I get such a long beard? I'd like it.

 

Sinterklaas

 

It'll take some time, but it's possible. You'll have to let your facial hair grow, without cutting. Then you'll get a beard.

 

Bert

 

And when you're sleeping, is your beard over the covers or under the covers?

 

Sinterklaas

Over the covers. That feels better. It's too warm under the covers. But try to grow such a long beard. Maybe it'll work. 

 

Grover

 

And so white. How did you get it so white?

 

Sinterklaas

 

It's white because I'm so old. In the beginning, my beard was black.

 

Ernie

 

That's fun too. A black beard.

 

Sinterklaas

 

Yes, but as you grow older it turns gray, and white later. I like white best.

 

Pete

 

Sinterklaas, we'd better be going.

 

Bert

 

How long will it take before I get a beard like yours?

 

Sinterklaas

 

Well, that's hard to estimate. Some beards grow faster than others. For a beard my size, you'd have to wait for fifty years. Or longer.

 

Bert

 

That's a long time. I'd better think about that some more.

 

Pete

 

But we can't wait for that.

 

Sinterklaas

 

Indeed. On another subject, could I use your toilet, please?

 

Bert

Toilet? Ernie, what's a...

 

Pete

 

Sinterklaas has to go to the bathroom.

 

Ernie

 

See, Bert? Sinterklaas is just a nice man, and... Bert, did you remember to flush earlier?

 

Bert

 

Hold it!

 

Sinterklaas

 

I'd rather not. I really have to go.

 

Bert

 

No, I was talking to Ernie.

 

Sinterklaas

 

I'd like to go to the toilet now.

 

Bert

 

Just go this way, Dear Holy Man.

 

Pete

 

Wait, I'll go take something out of the car. I'll be back soon.

 

Grover

 

This way, Helper Pete! You have to go that way!

 

Ernie

 

See, Bert?

 

Bert

 

See what? I don't see anything.

 

Ernie

 

Saint and Pete don't ride on the roof on a white horse. They arrived in a car. 

 

Bert

 

Ohhh, yeah... I see, Ernie. But it's a white car. 

 

 

 

 

What a Surprise  (Wat Een Verrassing)

 

Bert

 

Oooh, look at that, Ernie! Look through the window. See that? Pete is taking another big sack out of the car!

 

Ernie

 

Could that be for us too?

 

Bert

 

If we sing really beautifully, maybe we'll still get that sack, Ernie.

 

Ernie

 

If you try to sing beautifully, there's not a chance we're getting that sack.

 

Bert

 

Why?!

 

Ernie

 

You sing off key.

 

Bert

 

We have to be extra nice and kind and gentle to each other, and sing beautifully. Let's sing. Uhm. Yes. (stutters nervously)

 

Ernie

 

What are we going to sing? Look, we're going to sing, and they come in, and then we're sitting here singing beautifully, and then Sinterklaas comes, and... We're going to sing "What a Surprise".

 

Bert

 

Yeah! How?

 

Bert & Ernie

 

What a surprise! Who'd have thought of that!

Look at that now -- did you expect such a thing?

What a surprise! Good morning, good day!

 

Bert

 

You get a big box

And you think you're lucky

Open it up

And it's a big bummer!

 

Bert & Ernie

 

What a surprise! Who'd have thought of that!

Look at that now -- did you expect such a thing?

What a surprise! Good morning, good day!

 

Ernie

 

What a tiny silly present

You can hardly see it

It can't be anything interesting --

Well, you won't believe your eyes!

 

Bert & Ernie

 

What a surprise! Who'd have thought of that!

Look at that now -- did you expect such a thing?

What a surprise! Good morning, good day!

 

Ernie

 

You won't always get what you wanted

 

Bert

 

Maybe you want more

 

Ernie

 

Then you just laugh, and think, oh well

 

Bert

 

That'll happen some other time

 

Bert & Ernie

 

What a surprise! Who'd have thought of that!

Look at that now -- did you expect such a thing?

What a surprise! Good morning, good day!

 

What a surprise! Who'd have thought of that!

Look at that now -- did you expect such a thing?

What a surprise! Good morning, good day!

 

 

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Danny@ToughPigs.com

 

 

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