Rosie

Boy, this is gonna be a good day. Y'know what I mean?  [ Then Rosie notices that there's a trash can on the set behind her desk. ]  What is this doin' here?  [ She knocks on the can. ]

Oscar

What? WHAT?!?

Rosie

Oscar! Oscar the Grouch! What are you doin' here on my show? How are ya?

Oscar

Oh, I'm rotten, as usual. Especially today! I got up on the right side of the bed. 

Rosie

Aw. Don't you hate when that happens?

Oscar

I hate when that happens! At least I had the rocks to sleep on.

Rosie

Yeah. Which is always good. 

Oscar

Well, I kinda missed you, though. I haven't seen you since you were on Sesame Street, there.

Rosie

Yeah, y'know, I was down visiting all my friends on Sesame Street. You, Big Bird, Baby Bear, Prairie Dawn.

Oscar

Yeah. Elmo says hey.

Rosie

Yeah? He does?

Oscar

Mmm hmm.

Rosie

Yeah, he's cool, me and him. We hang. 

Oscar

And I brought a tape to relive the memories, y'know?

Rosie

Oh, I didn't know you were so sentimental, Oscar.

Oscar

Well... right side of the bed again.

Rosie

All right. Take a look.

[ They play a clip of Rosie O'Donnell on Sesame Street, playing Oscar's Fairy Grouchmother. ]

Rosie

Yeah, I remember that! That was a lot of fun.

Oscar

Fond memories.

Rosie

I had a good time, y'know, Oscar? 

Oscar

Yeah.

Rosie

Yeah. Guess who's on the show here today, y'got any idea?

Oscar

Hmm. Michael J. Fox...

Rosie

Yeah. Michael J. Fox, yeah.

Oscar

I like animals...

Rosie

He's not a fox, he's an actor!

Oscar

Oh, well, forget it.

Rosie

No, yeah, well, you like him. You watch him.

Oscar

Yeah. He's cool. But -- I hear that it's the First Lady...

Rosie

Exactly. The First Lady, yeah. You're a big fan of hers, I hear. 

Oscar

Well, yeah, well, I hate to say it, but... she's done a lot for kids, ya know. I like kids. 

Rosie

Yeah, I know you do.

Oscar

And I was wondering if you could do me a... favor.

Rosie

What is it, Oscar? What do you need?

Oscar

Well... When she comes out, could you ask her if I could, um... meet her? 

Rosie

Well, Oscar, I don't know. It's a pretty big thing, ya know. She's the First Lady...

Oscar

Yeah, but -- listen, I never do this, I never say this word, but -- please!!! 

Rosie

Oscar the Grouch! Did you say please?

Oscar

Don't tell anyone! 

Rosie

What, do you have a crush on Hillary Rodham Clinton?

Oscar

I don't want to talk about it...

Rosie

Oh, wow! You're blushing, I think, Oscar! Look at ya!

Oscar

Oh, it shows... 

Rosie

I've never seen you so happy about meeting somebody!

Oscar

I know...

Rosie

Now, look, I'm not gonna promise you. I'll see what I can do.

Oscar

All right. I'll stay tuned.

Rosie

Stay tuned. I gotta do a show, get outta here.

Oscar

Okay.  [ His can slams down. ]

[ Later on... ]

Rosie

... We have a great show today. I can not wait. Hillary Rodham Clinton is here.

Oscar

[ Oscar pops up out of his can again. ]  Hey, hey... 

Rosie

What?

[ The audience cheers for Oscar. ]

Oscar

[ to audience: ]  Pipe down! Rosie!

Rosie

What?

Oscar

Any news yet, about me and, uh, Mrs. Clinton, there?

Rosie

No, there's no news yet, Oscar, there... 

Oscar

Harummph. Life stinks. 

Rosie

All right, I'll see what I can do, ya grouchy grump.

Oscar

Thank you. 

Rosie

You're welcome.

Oscar

Whoops, did I say thank you? I didn't mean... grrmmm...  [ His can slams down. ]

Rosie

And Michael J. Fox is here too, so don't go anywhere, we'll be right back!

[ Later in the show: Hillary has plugged her book and tape, It Takes a Village to Raise a Child. They come back from a commercial break, and Oscar's can is behind the desk again. ]

Rosie

So... look whose can is here...

Hillary

He came back.

Rosie

Think you might wanna...

[ Hillary knocks on the can. Oscar pops up. ]

Oscar

You rang?

Hillary

Hello, Oscar!

Oscar

Whoa! It's Mrs. Clinton!

Rosie

I told you I would do it, and I did it! How are ya, Oscar? Are you feeling all right?

Oscar

Yeah, well, uh, a little nervous...

Hillary

Oscar, I heard you were going to be on the show, and I spent a little time putting together some things for you.  [ She pulls out a little trash bag. ]  I hope you don't mind.

Oscar

Mind?

Hillary

Let's see, what do I have in here? Oh, Oscar, I have some real honest trash from the White House.

Oscar

Whoa! Trash! I love trash!

Hillary

Empty M&M boxes... 

Oscar

Whoa...

Hillary

Golf balls sliced by the President of the United States...

Oscar

Sliced! Sliced golf balls! Oh! Rosie... I'll put 'em on my mantelpiece!

Hillary

Oh, and here is an old tea bag... and a coffee thing...

Oscar

Wow, real White House stuff!

Hillary

Real White House stuff... been used, as you can tell... Now, this is kinda nice. I'm actually going to give two of these to Rosie, and two of these to you.

Rosie

All right...

Hillary

This is more candy. These are more things we have around. Mints, with the Presidential seal on the mint.

Rosie

All right, I'll take it. Even though it was in the trash, I'll take it! I'm not picky about that.

Hillary

And Oscar, in case -- and I'm not suggesting this, but in case you ever need to clean anything up, here are some White House towels.

Oscar

White House towels! Wow.

Hillary

And here's the rest of it, all for you.

Oscar

Oh, the trash bag! That's the best of all! 

Rosie

Now, Oscar, I know you're not big on this, but do you have anything to say to Mrs. Clinton?

Oscar

Well, yeah... I kinda... like ya so much... cause you're very smart, ya know? You have brains. Grouches like that. 

Rosie

Right...

Oscar

Like, uh... What's two and two?

Hillary

Four, right?

Oscar

See what I mean?

Rosie

She's smart, I know!

Oscar

Three minus one...

Hillary

Oh. Three minus one -- uh, two?

Oscar

Oh, I love it! Now, what comes after the letter F?

Hillary

A, B, C, D, E, F... G.

Oscar

G! Right! The rating here!

Rosie

G, and it stands for Grouch!

Oscar

Yeah! 

Rosie

Can I just say something, Oscar? For a grouch, you seem pretty happy. 

Hillary

Do you think you're turning over a new leaf?

Oscar

Oh, I hope not!

Hillary

Or kind of looking at the world in a different way, Oscar?  I mean, we're trying to be optimistic. This is the second term, the last Presidency of the twentieth century, we're looking towards the Millennium... We're trying to get everybody in a good mood, to help each other... What about it, do you think?

Oscar

Well, I hope they don't get in too good a mood, because I'm getting grouchier by the minute! This is getting too nice!

Rosie

Can I say something to you, Oscar?

Oscar

What?

Rosie

You stink!

Oscar

Ohh...

Hillary

That makes him feel better.

Oscar

I think I'm in love!

Rosie

There ya go.

Oscar

But, uh, speaking of love, uh... Mrs. Clinton? I couldn't maybe have, just, uh... a little kiss? I mean, grouches don't usually like that, but... it's you... 

Hillary

Well, I'd like that.  [ She kisses him. ]

Rosie

Oh, Oscar! You're the best! Get outta here!

Oscar

Ohh... Ya know what, Rosie? 

Rosie

What?

Oscar

I'm not gonna wash my face now!

Rosie

Well, good! You never wash anyway!

Oscar

I never did, either!

Rosie

Well, get in your can!

Oscar

Have a rotten day!

Rosie

You stink! 

Oscar

Yeah! Thanks!

Rosie

You stink!

Oscar

Yeah!  [ Can slams down. ]

Hillary

Bang!

Rosie

Oscar the Grouch!  [ The crowd goes wild. Then Rosie and Hillary rattle on about children's literacy for a while. ]