Tough Pigs Anthology

 

Off the Street

January 2002

 

January Anthology  --  Anthology Contents

 

 

Part Two : I Love (White House) Trash

Oscar the Grouch on The Rosie O'Donnell Show

February 3, 1997

 

I swear to you that this really happened.

 

Rosie

 

Boy, this is gonna be a good day. Y'know what I mean?  [ Then Rosie notices that there's a trash can on the set behind her desk. ]  What is this doin' here?  [ She knocks on the can. ]

 

Oscar

 

What? WHAT?!?

 

Rosie

 

Oscar! Oscar the Grouch! What are you doin' here on my show? How are ya?

 

Oscar

 

Oh, I'm rotten, as usual. Especially today! I got up on the right side of the bed. 

 

Rosie

 

Aw. Don't you hate when that happens?

 

Oscar

 

I hate when that happens! At least I had the rocks to sleep on.

 

Rosie

 

Yeah. Which is always good. 

 

Oscar

 

Well, I kinda missed you, though. I haven't seen you since you were on Sesame Street, there.

 

Rosie

 

Yeah, y'know, I was down visiting all my friends on Sesame Street. You, Big Bird, Baby Bear, Prairie Dawn.

 

Oscar

 

Yeah. Elmo says hey.

 

Rosie

 

Yeah? He does?

 

Oscar

 

Mmm hmm.

 

Rosie

 

Yeah, he's cool, me and him. We hang. 

 

Oscar

 

And I brought a tape to relive the memories, y'know?

 

Rosie

 

Oh, I didn't know you were so sentimental, Oscar.

 

Oscar

 

Well... right side of the bed again.

 

Rosie

 

All right. Take a look.

 

 

 

[ They play a clip of Rosie O'Donnell on Sesame Street, playing Oscar's Fairy Grouchmother. ]

 

Rosie

 

Yeah, I remember that! That was a lot of fun.

 

Oscar

 

Fond memories.

 

Rosie

 

I had a good time, y'know, Oscar? 

 

Oscar

 

Yeah.

 

Rosie

 

Yeah. Guess who's on the show here today, y'got any idea?

 

Oscar

 

Hmm. Michael J. Fox...

 

Rosie

 

Yeah. Michael J. Fox, yeah.

 

Oscar

 

I like animals...

 

Rosie

 

He's not a fox, he's an actor!

 

Oscar

 

Oh, well, forget it.

 

Rosie

 

No, yeah, well, you like him. You watch him.

 

Oscar

 

Yeah. He's cool. But -- I hear that it's the First Lady...

 

Rosie

 

Exactly. The First Lady, yeah. You're a big fan of hers, I hear. 

 

Oscar

 

Well, yeah, well, I hate to say it, but... she's done a lot for kids, ya know. I like kids. 

 

Rosie

 

Yeah, I know you do.

 

Oscar

 

And I was wondering if you could do me a... favor.

 

Rosie

 

What is it, Oscar? What do you need?

 

Oscar

 

Well... When she comes out, could you ask her if I could, um... meet her? 

 

Rosie

 

Well, Oscar, I don't know. It's a pretty big thing, ya know. She's the First Lady...

 

Oscar

 

Yeah, but -- listen, I never do this, I never say this word, but -- please!!! 

 

Rosie

 

Oscar the Grouch! Did you say please?

 

Oscar

 

Don't tell anyone! 

 

Rosie

 

What, do you have a crush on Hillary Rodham Clinton?

 

Oscar

 

I don't want to talk about it...

 

Rosie

 

Oh, wow! You're blushing, I think, Oscar! Look at ya!

 

Oscar

 

Oh, it shows... 

 

Rosie

 

I've never seen you so happy about meeting somebody!

 

Oscar

 

I know...

 

Rosie

 

Now, look, I'm not gonna promise you. I'll see what I can do.

 

Oscar

 

All right. I'll stay tuned.

 

Rosie

 

Stay tuned. I gotta do a show, get outta here.

 

Oscar

 

Okay.  [ His can slams down. ]

 

 

 

[ Later on... ]

 

 

 

Rosie

 

... We have a great show today. I can not wait. Hillary Rodham Clinton is here.

 

Oscar

 

[ Oscar pops up out of his can again. ]  Hey, hey... 

 

Rosie

 

What?

 

 

 

[ The audience cheers for Oscar. ]

 

Oscar

 

[ to audience: ]  Pipe down! Rosie!

 

Rosie

 

What?

 

Oscar

 

Any news yet, about me and, uh, Mrs. Clinton, there?

 

Rosie

 

No, there's no news yet, Oscar, there... 

 

Oscar

 

Harummph. Life stinks. 

 

Rosie

 

All right, I'll see what I can do, ya grouchy grump.

 

Oscar

 

Thank you. 

 

Rosie

 

You're welcome.

 

Oscar

 

Whoops, did I say thank you? I didn't mean... grrmmm...  [ His can slams down. ]

 

Rosie

 

And Michael J. Fox is here too, so don't go anywhere, we'll be right back!

 

 

 

[ Later in the show: Hillary has plugged her book and tape, It Takes a Village to Raise a Child. They come back from a commercial break, and Oscar's can is behind the desk again. ]

 

Rosie

 

So... look whose can is here...

 

Hillary

 

He came back.

 

Rosie

 

Think you might wanna...

 

 

 

[ Hillary knocks on the can. Oscar pops up. ]

 

Oscar

 

You rang?

 

Hillary

 

Hello, Oscar!

 

Oscar

 

Whoa! It's Mrs. Clinton!

 

Rosie

 

I told you I would do it, and I did it! How are ya, Oscar? Are you feeling all right?

 

Oscar

 

Yeah, well, uh, a little nervous...

 

Hillary

 

Oscar, I heard you were going to be on the show, and I spent a little time putting together some things for you.  [ She pulls out a little trash bag. ]  I hope you don't mind.

 

Oscar

 

Mind?

 

Hillary

 

Let's see, what do I have in here? Oh, Oscar, I have some real honest trash from the White House.

 

Oscar

 

Whoa! Trash! I love trash!

 

Hillary

 

Empty M&M boxes... 

 

Oscar

 

Whoa...

 

Hillary

 

Golf balls sliced by the President of the United States...

 

Oscar

 

Sliced! Sliced golf balls! Oh! Rosie... I'll put 'em on my mantelpiece!

 

Hillary

 

Oh, and here is an old tea bag... and a coffee thing...

 

Oscar

 

Wow, real White House stuff!

 

Hillary

 

Real White House stuff... been used, as you can tell... Now, this is kinda nice. I'm actually going to give two of these to Rosie, and two of these to you.

 

Rosie

 

All right...

 

Hillary

 

This is more candy. These are more things we have around. Mints, with the Presidential seal on the mint.

 

Rosie

 

All right, I'll take it. Even though it was in the trash, I'll take it! I'm not picky about that.

 

Hillary

 

And Oscar, in case -- and I'm not suggesting this, but in case you ever need to clean anything up, here are some White House towels.

 

Oscar

 

White House towels! Wow.

 

Hillary

 

And here's the rest of it, all for you.

 

Oscar

 

Oh, the trash bag! That's the best of all! 

 

Rosie

 

Now, Oscar, I know you're not big on this, but do you have anything to say to Mrs. Clinton?

 

Oscar

 

Well, yeah... I kinda... like ya so much... cause you're very smart, ya know? You have brains. Grouches like that. 

 

Rosie

 

Right...

 

Oscar

 

Like, uh... What's two and two?

 

Hillary

 

Four, right?

 

Oscar

 

See what I mean?

 

Rosie

 

She's smart, I know!

 

Oscar

 

Three minus one...

 

Hillary

 

Oh. Three minus one -- uh, two?

 

Oscar

 

Oh, I love it! Now, what comes after the letter F?

 

Hillary

 

A, B, C, D, E, F... G.

 

Oscar

 

G! Right! The rating here!

 

Rosie

 

G, and it stands for Grouch!

 

Oscar

 

Yeah! 

 

Rosie

 

Can I just say something, Oscar? For a grouch, you seem pretty happy. 

 

Hillary

 

Do you think you're turning over a new leaf?

 

Oscar

 

Oh, I hope not!

 

Hillary

 

Or kind of looking at the world in a different way, Oscar?  I mean, we're trying to be optimistic. This is the second term, the last Presidency of the twentieth century, we're looking towards the Millennium... We're trying to get everybody in a good mood, to help each other... What about it, do you think?

 

Oscar

 

Well, I hope they don't get in too good a mood, because I'm getting grouchier by the minute! This is getting too nice!

 

Rosie

 

Can I say something to you, Oscar?

 

Oscar

 

What?

 

Rosie

 

You stink!

 

Oscar

 

Ohh...

 

Hillary

 

That makes him feel better.

 

Oscar

 

I think I'm in love!

 

Rosie

 

There ya go.

 

Oscar

 

But, uh, speaking of love, uh... Mrs. Clinton? I couldn't maybe have, just, uh... a little kiss? I mean, grouches don't usually like that, but... it's you... 

 

Hillary

 

Well, I'd like that.  [ She kisses him. ]

 

Rosie

 

Oh, Oscar! You're the best! Get outta here!

 

Oscar

 

Ohh... Ya know what, Rosie? 

 

Rosie

 

What?

 

Oscar

 

I'm not gonna wash my face now!

 

Rosie

 

Well, good! You never wash anyway!

 

Oscar

 

I never did, either!

 

Rosie

 

Well, get in your can!

 

Oscar

 

Have a rotten day!

 

Rosie

 

You stink! 

 

Oscar

 

Yeah! Thanks!

 

Rosie

 

You stink!

 

Oscar

 

Yeah!  [ Can slams down. ]

 

Hillary

 

Bang!

 

Rosie

 

Oscar the Grouch!  [ The crowd goes wild. Then Rosie and Hillary rattle on about children's literacy for a while. ]

 

 

And here's me again, with a note about that interview. It's pretty weird, and pretty funny. But out of everything in that appearance, the one thing that I find most amusing and revealing is that Hillary Clinton doesn't know what to call a coffee filter. There's a message there, somewhere, if only we could figure it out. 

 

 

Thanks!  to my pal Rodney Elin

for sending me this interview!

 

Next up in the January Anthology:

 Cookie Monster

destroys Martha Stewart's kitchen!

 

January Anthology  --  Anthology Contents

 

 

Danny@ToughPigs.com