Tough Pigs Anthology

 

Off the Street

January 2002

 

January Anthology  --  Anthology Contents

 

 

Part Three : All Tied Up

Cookie Monster on Martha Stewart Living

Spring, 2001

 

 

Martha

 

Well, today we're so lucky to have with us the master cookie connoisseur of all time.

 

Cookie

 

Hi.

 

Martha

 

The one and only... what's your name?

 

Cookie

 

Cookie Monster.

 

Martha

 

Oh, good.

 

Cookie

 

Cooooo-kie Monster!

 

Martha

 

You know him, don't you?

 

Cookie

 

Not just Cookie Monster, but Cooooo-kie Monster!

 

Martha

 

All right, all right. What's your favorite cookie, Cookie Monster?

 

Cookie

 

Chocolate chippy.

 

Martha

 

Oh, Alexis' famous chocolate chippies?

 

Cookie

 

Who?

 

Martha

 

Alexis, my daughter!

 

Cookie

 

Oh, really? She like that too? She smart girl.

 

Martha

 

Yes. She makes the best chocolate chip cookies in the whole world. And maybe -- if you're good, and patient, we can do a project together.

 

Cookie

 

Really? Like, build a house? 

 

Martha

 

Uh, something like that.

 

Cookie

 

Yeah? Okay, me get hammer.

 

Martha

 

And we're also going to learn how to keep snakes as pets.

 

Cookie

 

Me going to miss that segment.

 

Martha

 

You don't like snakes?

 

Cookie

 

No, me got to get a taxi for that one.

 

Martha

 

And we're also going to see some wonderful carved wood replicas. You know what those are? Replicas?

 

Cookie

 

Rep-a-lick-as?

 

Martha

 

Replicas.

 

Cookie

 

Rep-a-lick-as. No, me no know that.

 

Martha

 

Of Noah's Ark, and those wonderful animals who spent a rather long time -- how many days and nights? On the Ark?

 

Cookie

 

Uh... I think, uh, with room service, two weeks.

 

Martha

 

I think they spent a little longer...

 

Cookie

 

You know what? Me have no idea what you talking about.

 

Martha

 

Okay. But stay tuned, we have a really great show. Including... Cookie Monster.

 

Cookie

 

What she say.

 

 

 

 

 

[ Theme song ]

 

 

 

[ Open with Martha combing Cookie Monster's fur with a fork. ]

 

Martha

 

How does that feel?

 

Cookie

 

Good. You getting fleas?

 

Martha

 

No, no fleas. You're very clean.

 

Cookie

 

Thank you very much. That feel good.

 

Martha

 

Well. We love to make cookies on this show.

 

Cookie

 

COOKIES?

 

Martha

 

Yes, cookies!

 

Cookie

 

Cook -- me wonder why me here! You going to make COO-KIES?

 

Martha

 

We have a cookie of the week...

 

Cookie

 

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

 

Martha

 

Guess how many cookies we've made over the years, of the week.

 

Cookie

 

... Whuh?

 

Martha

 

One hundred and fifty different cookies of the week. 

 

Cookie

 

Name them all.

 

Martha

 

Oh, my gosh. Well, they start with Alexis'...

 

Cookie

 

Never mind! Me no want to hear. Me just want to eat. Where the cookies? Where cookies?

 

Martha

 

No cookies, no cookies. We're trying to make a project first.

 

Cookie

 

A house?

 

Martha

 

No... I'll tell you what it is, as we go along. This is a very special recipe, in your honor.

 

Cookie

 

Hey, Martha?

 

Martha

 

Yes?

 

Cookie

 

Why are all lights and cameras here, in your kitchen?

 

Martha

 

Oh, because this is a studio.

 

Cookie

 

Oh. Because on Sesame Street, me have all lights and cameras around. Me no understand that. Me no get it.

 

Martha

 

Oh, yes you do. You're a professional.

 

Cookie

 

Professional what?

 

Martha

 

You're a professional.

 

Cookie

 

Me professional monster.

 

Martha

 

Yes, exactly.

 

Cookie

 

What you doing?

 

Martha

 

Well, I'm cutting up some chocolate. It's one of the ingredients of our project. And in this big electric mixer -- I just want it chunky.

 

Cookie

 

That a big electric mixer. Yes. Wow.

 

Martha

 

Yes. You're very nice. I've never met Cookie Monster in person before...

 

Cookie

 

You like touching me, don't you?

 

Martha

 

Yes, I do. I like furry animals.

 

Cookie

 

Really.

 

Martha

 

I do. We're going to make what we call Chewy Cherry Chunk... that's the code name. So, in this bowl, we have already creamed some butter. Half a cup. How much is half a cup of butter? 

 

Cookie

 

Oh... 'bout my mouth full.

 

Martha

 

One stick. Right. One stick of unsalted butter at room temperature, and a half a cup of granulated sugar, and a half a cup of light brown sugar. So keep the speed on medium until it's well combined... add one egg. I like blue eggs. They matches you, Cookie Monster, look.

 

Cookie

 

Oh, look, a blue -- it's Easter time! Easter Bunny! Where Easter Bunny?

 

Martha

 

No, he's not here yet. That's a way away. So, one egg into the mixture. Does this sound familiar, this kind of recipe? What has eggs and sugar and butter?

 

Cookie

 

Cake?

 

Martha

 

Yeah, cake. But you don't like cake that much, do you?

 

Cookie

 

Oh, me could go for cake. But me LOVE COO-KIES!

 

Martha

 

One and three-quarters teaspoon of pure vanilla extract... Smell, smell. You like the vanilla?

 

Cookie

 

[ sniffs ]  That delicious.

 

Martha

 

I like it. Don't put your nose too far in there, you might get hurt.

 

Cookie

 

Me looking at the thing going round.

 

Martha

 

And then we're going to sift one and a half cups of flour... just tipping that in... Flour...

 

Cookie

 

[ watching the mixer: ]  Me getting sick...

 

Martha

 

Are you really an expert in cookies?

 

Cookie

 

Scuse me. Got to stop that. Reminder to self: Not look at MixMaster. 

 

Martha

 

A quarter of a teaspoon of salt... and half a teaspoon of baking soda.

 

Cookie

 

Why you saying this aloud?

 

Martha

 

Well, I'm trying to teach you a recipe, but you seem to be...

 

Cookie

 

Should me write this down?

 

Martha

 

No, no, don't write this down, because you know why? All these recipes are always on the website. And you are internet savvy, aren't you?

 

Cookie

 

Say wha'?

 

Martha

 

Internet savvy.

 

Cookie

 

What website?

 

Martha

 

Savvy. Savvy. Knowledgeable. You know how to go to the website, right?

 

Cookie

 

Go to website?

 

Martha

 

Yes.

 

Cookie

 

What website?

 

Martha

 

My website. MarthaStewart.com. 

 

Cookie

 

Dot wha'?

 

Martha

 

Like SesameStreet.com.

 

Cookie

 

Martha... me only monster. Me not know that much.

 

Martha

 

You are a very smart monster. Now, I'm putting in all the dry ingredients...

 

Cookie

 

Anyone know what website is? Anybody?

 

Martha

 

Website... Internet...

 

Cookie

 

Nobody knows what website is. Me think you imagining it. Web-Site.

 

Martha

 

Now, look. This is an important ingredient, Cookie Monster.

 

Cookie

 

What?

 

Martha

 

These are cherries, dried cherries. They were sour cherries at one time, and they were dried. And now we are reconstituting them, slightly.

 

Cookie

 

They look wet to me! They look wet! 

 

Martha

 

Smell, smell.

 

Cookie

 

Truth in advertising! They not dry!

 

Martha

 

Well, they're wet now, cause I reconstituted them in water.

 

Cookie

 

You re-what-uted them?

 

Martha

 

So that's one cup of dried cherries, and you plump them in water. Three quarters of a cup of chopped white chocolate...

 

Cookie

 

You sure me should not be writing this down?

 

Martha

 

Don't write it down, believe me, it's on the website. And don't forget, one half cup of coarsely chopped milk chocolate, which I love. This is my favorite ingredient in this whole... thing that we're making. This whole project. Milk chocolate.

 

Cookie

 

Me like it too. 

 

Martha

 

And pecans.

 

Cookie

 

Are we taping?

 

Martha

 

Oh, definitely. So now I'm going to turn this on, last little mix. And don't mix it too much because you don't want to mess up all those chocolate chunks. Now, this is Project X. Can we call it Project X, Cookie Monster?

 

Cookie

 

Martha, it your show. You can call whatever you want. You could call it Shirley. Couldn't we call it Shirley?

 

Martha

 

Yes.

 

Cookie

 

Okay.

 

Martha

 

Now, here -- three on a tray.

 

Cookie

 

Three Shirleys on tray!

 

Martha

 

Pre-heat your oven to 350...

 

Cookie

 

Me no got oven on me.

 

Martha

 

Okay, but we have one over on the wall.

 

Cookie

 

Oh, lucky.

 

Martha

 

Yes, we're very lucky.

 

Cookie

 

Almost as if it were planned!

 

Martha

 

Yes. Big scoops! Bigger, better.

 

Cookie

 

Ohhh... delicious looking. Oh, that great. Like ice cream. You making ice cream!

 

Martha

 

Yeah, so... just like ice cream, only this is hot ice cream, to start.

 

Cookie

 

Hot ice cream! Oxymoron.

 

Martha

 

Yes.

 

Cookie

 

Heyyy! That not bad! Don't know what website is, but know oxymoron!

 

Martha

 

You're pretty smart, Cookie Monster, you see? I always thought you were very smart. Now, these are very large cookies. What do you think? Too big?

 

Cookie

 

... Cookies?

 

Martha

 

Uh oh. Code word. No, no, project, project.

 

Cookie

 

... You making cookies?

 

Martha

 

No, I made a mistake...

 

Cookie

 

Oh, no! Please! Please! Please! Me want cookies!

 

Martha

 

No, they're not cooked yet!

 

Cookie

 

Please! Me begging!

 

Martha

 

Wait till they're cooked...

 

Cookie

 

[ pulling on Martha's shirt: ]  Martha! Please! Me need cookies!

 

Martha

 

[ ignoring him: ]  Bake until golden, in a 350 degree oven... and rotate the baking sheets halfway through. 

 

Cookie

 

Martha! Please, Martha! 

 

Martha

 

I will take very good care of you, in just a few minutes, okay?

 

Cookie

 

Martha. Me begging. Just give me cookies please.

 

Martha

 

He really goes nuts, doesn't he? So we are never going to say cookies ever again.

 

Cookie

 

PLEASE, Martha! Me no can take it. Me no can take it...

 

 

 

 

 

[ commercial break ]

 

 

 

[ Coming back from commercial: Cookie Monster is actually tied down with rope, wound all around him. He's struggling against the rope, screaming desperately for cookies. ]

 

Cookie

 

Oh, oh! Please!

 

Martha

 

I had no idea that Cookie Monster was so voracious, and so... you're a little bit rude, Cookie Monster.

 

Cookie

 

Please! Give me cookie!

 

Martha

 

So we had to tie him up... And we're working on a project. This is Project Cookie Monster, actually. And these wonderful little cookies -- these are cut-out cookies! And these are so charming... the template is on the website! 

 

Cookie

 

Please! Please!

 

Martha

 

And now I've put on some wonderful black icing, and that's the mouth of Cookie Monster...

 

Cookie

 

Have pity!

 

Martha

 

And now I cut out the eyes...

 

Cookie

 

Please! Have pity on monster! Me no can reach!

 

Martha

 

You just have to ignore him, because he is really noisy...  You know, you are struggling too much, Cookie Monster! Wait a little bit...

 

Cookie

 

Okay. Me bribe you. You know what me give you if you give me cookie?

 

Martha

 

What will you give me?

 

Cookie

 

Um... Me got nothing to give you! Pleeeease! Pleeease, Martha!

 

Martha

 

Now, you can use these wonderful sprinkles, too...

 

Cookie

 

Sprinkles!

 

Martha

 

Yes, sprinkles! You don't like sprinkles, do you, Cookie Monster? Now, this is Project X... Ah-ta-ta-ta! Cookie Monster, oh -- he's so exhausted... But look! Once you're done, look what you have!

 

Cookie

 

Okay, here's what me do for you. You let me loose, I get you date with Bert.

 

Martha

 

Really? Bert?

 

Cookie

 

Bert. Mister Excitement.

 

Martha

 

I love Bert.

 

Cookie

 

Really? Untie me, please.

 

Martha

 

I love you better, though, Cookie Monster. Can I have a date with you if I give you a cookie?

 

Cookie

 

Please, lady!! Don't make me beg!!

 

Martha

 

Okay, let's take this off... Just put your little head down...

 

Cookie

 

Oh! OH! Aaaah! Aaah!  [ Cookie Monster goes absolutely nuts, eating every single cookie in sight, smashing the baking sheets on the ground and shoving everything into his mouth. Finally, when everything's gone, he calms down, panting. ]

 

Martha

 

Cookie Monster, you made a mess of my kitchen!

 

Cookie

 

Oh, that good. 

 

Martha

 

Okay, now. Relax. How many cookies do you need to be satisfied?

 

Cookie

 

Me satisfied now. 

 

Martha

 

Okay. God, you're choking yourself, Cookie!

 

Cookie

 

Me no care. Me no feel pain. Cookies like novocaine!

 

Martha

 

Well, there, Cookie Monster. I hope you're okay. I hope you're sated.

 

Cookie

 

Me what?

 

Martha

 

Sated. Satisfied. Are you?

 

Cookie

 

Oh, very. Except one thing.

 

Martha

 

What?

 

Cookie

 

Next time? Personal request from me. Hold the cherries.

 

Martha

 

I have just the thing for you.  [ gives him a cookie ]  Alexis' famous chocolate chips. No cherries.

 

Cookie

 

Purity! Thank you.  [ Cookie walks off screen, chomping on the cookie. ]  Oh, that good!

 

Martha

 

Very interesting, and very rambunctious guest. Wouldn't you say? I'll be sure to start making cookies months in advance for his next visit.

 

Cookie

 

[ Offscreen: ]  See you tomorrow!

 

 

January Anthology  --  Anthology Contents

 

 

Danny@ToughPigs.com