Larry

We're here with two of the great stars of the Muppets -- Johnny Fiama, and his bodyguard Sal. They have their own program as well. And then later, Michael Feinstein will be here with his wonderful piano and repertoire of songs. Anyway, we start things off by welcoming a singer, a crooner, a showman, a great host in his own right, one of the kings of Las Vegas -- Johnny Fiama!

Sal

That's right! Johnny Fiama, right here on Larry King!

Larry

Hold on, let me introduce him.

Sal

What, what? Oh, oh, all right.

Johnny

Sal... Larry's introducing me. 

Sal

Aw, I'm sorry. I'm sorry there, Mister K.

Larry

Okay. Johnny, welcome to Larry King Live.

Johnny

Thank you very much, Larry. What a pleasure to be on your holiday show.

Larry

It's my pleasure to have you. Now, Sal, what is your -- what is your job? Are you a bodyguard? What do you do?

Sal

Well, actually, usually I introduce Johnny Fiama. No, no, I'm actually his bodyguard. I keep him clean. I picked out that little holly for him, and yeah, y'know, I take care of him.

Larry

But you're a monkey.

Sal

Well, yeah, I am a monkey. I'm sort of like a simian security guard, y'know?

Larry

I see. How did you meet him, Johnny?

Johnny

Oh, well, I'll tell ya. It's a long story. My mother was making Thanksgiving dinner, and, well, he happened to be at Kresge's -- I don't know if you remember, that's a chain of stores --

Larry

I remember Kresge's.

Johnny

Yeah, and he was having a little ice cream, I said, Ma, there's a monkey eating ice cream, and she said bring him home.

Sal

Yeah, that's right. And y'know what? Then I came home, and I ate the ice cream. And we had spaghetti and stuff.

Larry

That's, like, a nothing story. I mean, I thought there would be such a big story, but -- you saw him eating ice cream, and the mother brings him home?

Johnny

Well, life's a simple thing, isn't it, Larry. 

Sal

And then we ran a barber shop for a while. 

Larry

Were you a singer first, and then a TV host?

Johnny

Well, yes. Yes. I've always been a singer. It goes back a long time, I'll tell you. I sang with some of the greats. 

Larry

Like...

Johnny

Well -- don't let me go into it, but -- Nelson Riddle. Okay. Artie Kaiser.

Larry

Artie Kaiser?

Johnny

Yes. Kay Kaiser's brother. 

Larry

Billy May?

Johnny

Billy May. Yes.

Larry

You had a career somewhat akin to Sinatra. 

Johnny

Well... Yes. We're very close friends, Frank and I. Happy birthday, Frank, by the way.

Larry

And you're in the same idiom, like, Italian...

Johnny

I'm sorry -- did he call me an idiot?

Larry

No -- idiom, idiom.

Sal

I think actually he did call you an -- did you call Johnny Fiama an idiot? 

Larry

No! I would never do that!

Sal

Hey, listen, Larry, I want you to know -- we didn't get dressing rooms! There was no dressing room for Johnny, nothin'!

Johnny

Sal... It's all right...

Sal

No audience to applaud...

Johnny

No, okay, Sal...

Sal

I wasn't allowed to introduce him... 

Johnny

Excuse me, Larry... I'm going to speak to Sal in Italian for a moment.

Sal

No, I really don't think it's right!

Johnny

Sal -- basta!  [speaks to Sal in angry Italian for a moment]

Sal

Sorry, Johnny.

Johnny

Sorry, Larry. Excuse us. 

Sal

Sorry there, Mister K. 

Larry

Okay, it's all right. No, you can get mad, you're entitled. I think you should have had a dressing room. And I'm sorry to see that you hadn't.

Johnny

No. It's okay.

Larry

Okay.

Sal

No, it isn't, really. All right, I'll drop it. 

Larry

What do you do on that show? Do you sing?

Johnny

I do a little singing, yes, and I also --

Larry

[to Sal] Wait a minute. What are you doing? 

Sal

Excuse me?

Larry

What are you doing?

Sal

Oh, I'm doing my hair. 

Johnny

Sal...

Larry

That's very distracting. What are you doing?

Sal

Well, I was just taking care of my hair. It's very important, y'know.

Larry

Does he do that on your program?

Johnny

Yes, he does, Larry. 

Larry

Does he attempt to steal your show?

Johnny

Yes. Yes. If you don't mind, Sal -- we're on Larry King!

Sal

I'm sorry.

Larry

When you have guests...

Johnny

Yes.

Larry

You talk to the guests.

Johnny

Yes, I do.

Larry

What does Sal do?

Johnny

Sal, uh... well, he usually brings cannolis. 

Sal

I bring cannolis and I bodyguard.

Johnny

Right. He makes sure everything goes real well. 

Larry

You bodyguard... Does Johnny ever have threats on his life?

Sal

Well, yeah. Sometimes. 

Larry

And you protect him.

Sal

Oh, yeah. You know, when we go to the grocery store and stuff like that, sometimes we'll be trying to get in the line, and there'll be some, y'know, some big lady in the way, so, you know, I get her out of the way so that Johnny can get to the register. 

Johnny

Yeah, y'know, or prosciutto's like $12.99 a pound, and I say, Sal, this is too expensive, and they lower it.

Larry

So you push her out of the way.

Sal

Yeah, I push her out of the way. I negotiate with the butcher. That sort of thing.

Larry

Okay. You got an important job, then, Sal.

Sal

Yeah. You know.

Larry

Okay. You guys are branching out on Muppets Tonight. I understand you have your own talk show, and Tony Bennett was a guest.

Johnny

Yes, he was. Oh. What a pleasure. What a pleasure he is.

Larry

He's a real hero of yours, right?

Johnny

Oh my, yes. He is such a fabulous man. And we have so many things in common, Tony and I. 

Larry

Like what?

Johnny

Well, we both love linguini marinara. And we both realized that, really, the only thing that you can't get in LA, that you can get in New York, is good bread. 

Sal

That's true!

Johnny

Because of the water.

Larry

Wait a minute. This is something you have in common with Tony Bennett?

Johnny

Yes.

Sal

He's a great bread connoisseur, you know.

Johnny

Tony loves bread.

Sal

He sure does.

Larry

How about singing?

Johnny

Oh. Well. Yeah. He's a master. I mean, he needs a little help every now and then, but he's doing good.

Larry

Okay. Your show is -- you have an audience, right? You're like The Tonight Show or Letterman, right? 

Johnny

Well, uh... Yes.

Larry

Sal, are you on camera when you bring him on?

Sal

Oh, yeah. I kind of rare up the audience, and get them going, and I get the audience to applaud -- because, you know, if they don't applaud, they got me to answer to later.

Larry

I see. You're a tough guy.

Sal

Well, yeah. I'm a tough monkey.

Larry

Okay. So you get 'em all revved up.

Johnny

He's kind of like the Ed McMahon. If I may.

Sal

I'm kind of the -- y'know what, Larry? I'm kind of the funny one. [Johnny glares at him] It's not really true. Actually, Johnny's just as funny, at least. 

Johnny

Why am I here? Why -- why am I here?

Sal

Hey, you need to fix your holly there? Your holly's a bit crooked there.

Johnny

All right, okay, all right.

Larry

Why do you tolerate him, Johnny?

Johnny

Well... I feel sorry for him, Larry, to tell you the truth. I mean, the guy's had a hard life. He's all right; he's just a little hyperactive, that's all.

Larry

But, I mean... you have an enormous amount of understanding... I don't mean to talk in your presence, Sal.

Sal

What?

Larry

Well, you have problems... and Johnny's awful nice to...

Sal

Well, he is awful nice. You know? He gave me this ring on my finger, but I lost the stone. 

Johnny

Yeah. He lost the stone.

Sal

I didn't lose the stone, actually. I know where it is. It's at a pawn shop. I can get it back. And he gave me this necklace, here...

Johnny

You pawned the stone?

Sal

What?

Johnny

You pawned the stone.

Sal

Well, yeah, I did. How do you think I got the video machine?

Johnny

I thought, but... What's the matter with you?

Sal

Well, I can get it back. 

Johnny

I can't... I can't believe you pawned the stone! I'm not getting it back!

Larry

He pawned the stone. 

Sal

It's all right. It was Johnny's father's ring. 

Larry

Let's talk a little about Christmas. What did you get, Johnny, for Christmas?

Johnny

Well, I got quite a few things. Sal gave me a few things. He gave me a razor, and some cufflinks.

Sal

And I gave you those kerchiefs.

Johnny

Yeah, he gave me kerchiefs with my initials on it.

Sal

No, it's true, you know what I do? I take my hair and I can weave it up, and then I make 'em into kerchiefs. Kinda smelly, but they're nice.

Larry

How do you do that? 

Sal

Well, y'know what, I take my hair -- you see how loose my hair is? Y'see? I do that, and then I comb it out, and I use what's left in the comb, and I make up kerchiefs. 

Larry

I see. And show 'em how you exercise.

Sal

Oh, that's for my arms.  [Sal throws his arms back and forth.]

Johnny

Gettin' a little workout there.

Sal

Y'know, being a bodyguard, you gotta be fit. Gotta have those arms ready.

Larry

I see. You've gotta be ready at any time. Okay. You have the tree up at your house for Christmas -- he lives in your house, Johnny? 

Johnny

Yes, he does. We put the tree up the other night.

Larry

Sal, you're getting a little overexuberant.

Johnny

Sal! Sal.

Sal

What? What?

Johnny

I'm talkin'. I'm talkin'.

Sal

Oh -- oh, sorry, Johnny. I'm sorry.

Johnny

We put up the tree the other night. Sal put the little angel on the top.

Sal

Yeah, that's right. Only, y'know what? I stepped out on the tree, and it overbalanced.

Johnny

Yeah. Busted the angel's head right off.

Sal

I know. And I landed right on the cat. 

Johnny

And then the next thing you know, the lights blow, and the tree's on fire...

Sal

That's right.

Johnny

And Ma gets all upset, so... we don't have a tree.

Sal

Yeah, and we burned the cat as well. 

Johnny

It looks better.

Larry

So, it's kind of a sad Christmas, in a sense.

Johnny

Well, no, no.

Sal

Are you kiddin'? You shoulda heard last year. That's a good year.

Johnny

Yeah. Things are going really well.

Larry

Now, you've got your own Christmas show, right?

Johnny

Oh, yeah -- and as a matter of fact, Larry, if I may ask you... Would you like to be on our show?

Larry

Oh... Sal, Johnny... I'd be deeply honored.

Sal

Oh, would you!

Johnny

We would be deeply honored.

Larry

Honored to be on your show...

Sal

We would be more than honored to have you on our show!

Larry

I'd be honored! Doubly honored!

Sal

NO NO NO! We would be MORE honored!

Larry

I'D be honored!

Sal

NO, I'm TELLING you...

Johnny

Sal, Sal... basta!

Sal

Excuse me? I'm sorry, Larry.

Larry

I'd be honored. But how could we do this? I'm in the middle of my show.

Johnny

Well, I'll tell ya -- the funny thing is, is that Sal brought everything over...

Sal

That's right!

Johnny

And we set it up next door, there. 

Larry

Wait -- you brought your set here? 

Johnny

Yeah. 

Larry

So, in other words, we could just -- in the next portion, do like a show within a show.

Sal

That's right!

Johnny

Let's just jump right to it!

Larry

So, in other words, I'm on your show, while you're on my show, but we're doing it from your show's set. 

Sal

That's right, it'll be the Johnny Fiama Show in the Larry King Show!

Johnny

Creative, isn't it?

Larry

Okay. We're gonna do this. Okay?

Sal

Yeah!

Larry

We're gonna do it. When we come back, I'm on Johnny's show. Sal will introduce it, right? 

Sal

All right!

Larry

Don't go away!