Sal

And now -- the one, the only, Johnny Fiama! And the other, the only, and the bigger one, the only -- Mr. Larry King! Give it up! Give it up! Let's hear that applause!

Larry

Yay...

Sal

What is that -- no applause.

Larry

Well, there's no studio audience here. It's great to be with you, Johnny...

Sal

You have no audience here?

Larry

No!

Sal

What a rinky-dink operation. 

Johnny

Sal... Sal...

Sal

What, what?

Johnny

[ sigh ] Hi, Larry!

Larry

Hi, Johnny! [ to Sal ] It's his show. 

Sal

Yeah, I know...

Larry

Hi, Johnny! Good to be with you!

Johnny

Nice of you to be here. Thank you very much.

Larry

It's good to be here on the Johnny Fiama Christmas Show. I'm honored. And I'm honored to have you on mine as well. 

Johnny

Well, thank you. We're very honored to have you. Listen, uh... Let me just get right to it, shall I?

Larry

Sure!

Johnny

What's with those suspenders?

Larry

What do you mean, what's with them? I like them.

Johnny

You just like to wear them all the time, kind of thing?

Larry

Well, I started wearing them in 1988, when I had heart surgery.

Johnny

Oh!

Larry

And I started to feel good, and look better, so I started wearing them. And they became like a habit.

Johnny

Well, they look great.

Sal

What do they do?

Larry

They hold my pants up!

Sal

Oh, is that what they do!

Larry

But they also look nice, and they match off ties nice.

Sal

Y'know what? They do match off the ties nice. 

Larry

Yeah, you know... A little brown...

Sal

Y'know what? That looks really sharp there. Yeah. That's good. Yeah.

Johnny

Anyway, Sal...

Sal

I gotta see where I can get some of them.

Larry

Sal. It's his show.

Sal

I'm sorry, Johnny. It's your show. 

Johnny

Thank you...

Sal

I'm gonna fix my hair.

Johnny

Thank you, Sal. Listen, another question -- I was just curious, have you ever heard any of my albums, Larry? 

Larry

... No.

Johnny

Not one?

Larry

No. I don't know why. Because when I came in here today, they said, you know, you're on the Johnny Fiama Show...

Johnny

Yeah...

Larry

I had to honestly admit that I had not heard of you.

Johnny

Oh, you've never seen the show?

Larry

No, I have not seen the show.

Sal

What, you've never seen the Johnny Fiama Show?

Larry

I... No. 

Sal

Well, Johnny sings all this wonderful music by dead guys.

Larry

You sing dead guys...?

Johnny

He's saying I like to sing the classics. Berlin, and y'know, Gershwin. Right.

Sal

Gershwin and Berlin and them. 

Johnny

Right. But they're good dead guys.

Larry

Well, I've heard so many great things. Tony Bennett told me about you. 

Johnny

Oh, he did.

Larry

Frank.

Johnny

No kidding.

Larry

Frank called and said, Hey, go on that guy's show.

Johnny

Did he say that. It's funny, he won't come on. But, I'm curious...

Sal

That's cause Johnny actually still owes him some money.

Larry

Oh.

Johnny

Sal... basta, huh?

Sal

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Johnny.

Johnny

So how is it you get all these big people on your show? We can't...

Larry

Well, we have very good producers. They work very hard.

Johnny

Is that what it is.

Larry

They -- do you have a production staff?

Johnny

Well, you're lookin' at him, right next to you, there.

Sal

Yeah, that would be me. I kinda -- y'know, I run the cameras and everything.

Larry

All of your guests are booked by Sal?

Johnny

Sal books 'em all. 

Sal

Well, y'know, I make 'em an offer they can't refuse, if y'know what I mean.

Johnny

We had Tony Bennett... but then nobody else wants to come, y'know what I mean?

Larry

Oh, I can help you. 

Johnny

Oh, you can!

Larry

I'll tell you what I'll do, because I like you. And I like you too.

Sal

Oh, well, thank you there, Mister K. 

Larry

... I like you.

Sal

Well, thank you.

Larry

I'll ask every one of my guests to come on your show.

Johnny

C'mon!

Larry

I swear to God.

Johnny

Are you kiddin' me?

Larry

I'll ask... President Clinton...

Johnny

C'mon!

Larry

Henry Kissinger...

Johnny

That's terrific!

Larry

I'll ask, when they come on. Barbra Streisand... you got her!

Johnny

C'mon! Get outta here!

Larry

Hey, I'll do it for you, Johnny, because I like you.

Johnny

Awww... Larry, I love ya. I think you're great. 

Sal

Yeah, that's really special. Y'know what else? We can pay them! We pay them, like, fifty bucks!

Johnny

Yeah, we give them fifty bucks apiece.

Larry

Really? We don't pay.

Johnny

Oh, you're kidding.

Sal

You don't pay at all? 

Larry

No.

Johnny

Maybe that's the problem.

Sal

Aw, you cheapskate!

Larry

Stop that, Sal!

Sal

You're like a cheapskate! 

Larry

It's a talk show!

Sal

No, we give them fifty bucks and a meal voucher.

Johnny

Yeah.

Larry

A meal voucher?

Sal

Yeah, are you kiddin? A nice one, too.

Larry

You mean, I'm gonna get fifty dollars for this?

Johnny

Right. And a sandwich. 

Larry

I am honored. Hey, y'know, guys, I've got to go back to my show. Cause I've got Michael Feinstein waiting.

Sal

Oh, no no no, Larry, you can't go, cause Johnny wants you to like sing a song, y'know.

Johnny

Yeah, would you sing a song with me?

Sal

Everybody who comes on Johnny Fiama gotta sing.

Larry

Okay. I'll do it for my fifty. What do you want to do?

Johnny

How about Deck the Halls?

Larry

Okay, good. I love that.

Sal

All right!

[ Larry, Johnny and Sal sing a noisy, a capella version of Deck the Halls, with Sal loudly bellowing the fa la las. ]

Johnny

Thank you, Larry!

Larry

Thank you! Thank you, Johnny! Thank you, Sal! I'll be right back with Larry King Live, with Michael Feinstein, for our Christmas. Say goodbye, Johnny. 

Johnny

Goodbye.

Larry

Say goodbye, Sal.

Sal

Goodbye there!

Larry

Love you.

Johnny

Thanks, Larry.

Sal

We love you, Larry.

Larry

We'll be right back. [ Larry kisses Sal on the head ]

Sal

Mister K.