Tough Pigs Anthology

 

It Feels Like Christmas

December 2001

 

December Anthology  --  Anthology Contents

 

 

Part Three : The Muffed Christmas Carol

Kermit the Frog on 

Live with Regis and Kelly

December 24, 2001

   

Regis

 

Believe it or not, it's been twenty-five years since the great Muppet Show hit the airwaves...

 

Kelly

 

I don't believe it.

 

Regis

 

And we've been enjoying them ever since. And here to talk about their big anniversary is the star of the show, Kermit the Frog!

 

Kermit

 

Thank you! Thank you very much! Hi, Kelly!

 

Kelly

 

Kermit, I feel like I've waited most of my life to meet you.

 

Kermit

 

Well, thank you. I guess I've waited my life to meet you too, as it turns out. 

 

Regis

 

Twenty-five years... Now how can that be, when Miss Piggy says she's still twenty-three?

 

Kermit

 

Yeah, it's an odd thing. I don't quite understand it... I guess there's a difference in pig years or something. I don't know.

 

Regis

 

How are you going to celebrate the holidays?

 

Kermit

 

Well, it's an interesting thing. On Christmas Eve, I get together with the Muppets. We exchange gifts. Usually gloves, which is kind of redundant for Muppets. Then my whole family will get together tomorrow. I've got about seven thousand brothers and sisters, so... It takes us the whole week just to hang up our coats.

 

Kelly

 

What are you planning on buying Miss Piggy?

 

Kermit

 

Well, you know... What do you get a pig who wants everything? I'm not gonna make the mistake I made last year, though. Last year, she accidentally got the honey-baked ham I bought for someone else. It was not pretty. I was the glazed one.

 

Regis

 

No... Now what about yourself, Kermit? What would you like for Christmas?

 

Kermit

 

I have a very simple lifestyle -- but one thing I'd really like to have is a bug zapper. 

 

Regis

 

A bug zapper!

 

Kermit

 

Yeah. It's kind of the amphibian version of a microwave.

 

Regis

 

Fry it right there! Good for you.

 

Kermit

 

Yeah. Just stand underneath, y'know?

 

Regis

 

Hey, Kermit... I wanted to ask you about this Rose Parade. 

 

Kermit

 

Oh, yes. Yes. 

 

Regis

 

I'm the Grand Marshal this year, and as I look over the list, I see some famous, famous... all the way from Dwight Eisenhower to Bob Hope -- to Kermit the Frog. 

 

Kermit

 

That's true. I did it a few years back. Great fun.

 

Regis

 

Now, what are your duties? You're in the car... and you wave to everybody?

 

Kermit

 

Right... It's the waving that gets you. It's a little-known fact that an awful lot of Grand Marshals go on to get carpal tunnel syndrome. 

 

Kelly

 

I did not know that.

 

Kermit

 

It's absolutely true. It's good to work up to it. There are several types of waves... Let me show you.

 

Regis

 

Give me a little lesson. 

 

Kermit

 

Here's the royal wave.  [ waves his palm ]

 

Regis

 

The royal wave goes like this...

 

Kermit

 

And, by the way, with all these waves, it's a good thing to keep nodding your head, so people know you're alive -- that you're not animatronic. There's the Granny from Beverly Hillbillies wave, which is a bit like this...  [ waves his arm wildly ]

 

Kelly

 

That's great! You're very good at that.

 

Kermit

 

Now, there's the Vatican City wave, which is kind of the back of the hand...  [ waves ]  And, of course, there's my favorite, which is the oh gosh, I can't move my arm anymore wave, which is a bit like...  [ holds his arm out, rigid ]

 

Regis

 

Just hold your arm out there. But you had a good time, right?

 

Kermit

 

I had a wonderful time. But let me give you one little pointer.

 

Regis

 

Yeah?

 

Kermit

 

Go to the bathroom before you get in the car. It's a long ride.

 

Regis

 

How long a ride is it?

 

Kermit

 

It's somewhere between two and a half and three hours, so -- Don't drink the coffee. They offer you all kinds of stuff, but don't do it. 

 

Regis

 

So you're in an open convertible?

 

Kermit

 

That's right.

 

Regis

 

And it's cold early in the morning. 

 

Kermit

 

Well, especially for a frog. Y'know, us frogs, we tend to go dormant when it's cold. We sorta go like --  [ rigid ] -- doong! 

 

Regis

 

But I'll bet they loved you, right?

 

Kermit

 

Oh, it was wonderful. Every time you round a new corner, you've got a whole new set of people cheering for you. It's really, really neat. 

 

Regis

 

Yeah. I'll bet. That's some parade. Well, I'm looking forward to it.

 

Kermit

 

Have fun with it.

 

Regis

 

Well, what else, Kermit? Looking forward to the new year?

 

Kermit

 

I am looking forward to the new year. As we said earlier, it's the 25th anniversary of The Muppet Show. Although it'll be hard for you to believe this -- I have been in show business for nearly 47 years. 

 

Regis

 

You're kidding me!

 

Kelly

 

I can't believe that. Oh.

 

Regis

 

Forty-seven years!

 

Kermit

 

It's true. Well, I started just after I dropped my tail. Right after tadpolehood. 

 

Kelly

 

Kermit, I just want to ask you this -- Are you ever going to make an honest pig out of Miss Piggy?

 

Kermit

 

An honest pig out of Miss Piggy?

 

Kelly

 

Yeah!

 

Kermit

 

Boy, that should be a jump there, somewhere. 

 

Kelly

 

Will you walk down the aisle with her?

 

Kermit

 

Will I walk down the aisle? You mean, the proverbial aisle?

 

Kelly

 

The aisle, yes.

 

Kermit

 

I -- I don't think so. Y'know, we have a wonderful working relationship. Let's just keep it that way. 

 

Regis

 

I think you're doing the right thing, Kermit. Believe me.

 

Kermit

 

Yeah. Kelly -- have you ever actually dated a pig?

 

Kelly

 

Um... no... 

 

Kermit

 

Yeah. Then you don't quite know how I feel. It can be 

tough.

 

Regis

 

Hey, Kermit, you wanna sing a little song with us?

 

Kermit

 

Oh, I'd love to! It's Christmas and all. 

 

Regis

 

[ to Kelly ]  Would you like to join us?

 

Kelly

 

You know, I think I'll let you take it away, because I don't believe in torturing the audience more than once, and I have to save my voice.

 

Kermit

 

Well, Kelly -- they are listening to a frog sing, after all.

 

Regis

 

But you're going to come back and sing with us later on.

 

Kelly

 

Yes... I'm going to sit here and watch. 

 

Regis

 

All right. What do you want to sing?

 

Kermit

 

How about we sing a classic, Sleigh Ride?

 

Regis

 

Sleigh Ride! That's good.

 

Kermit

 

And besides that, it's the one we rehearsed. 

 

Regis

 

Yeah. Okay.

 

Kermit

 

Okay! Hit it. 

[ sings ] 

Just hear those sleigh bells ringling, 

Ring ting tingling too. 

Come on, it's lovely weather

For a sleigh ride together with you.

 

Regis

 

Outside, the snow is falling

And friends are calling Yoo Hoo.

 

Kermit

 

Yoo Hoo!

 

Regis

 

Come on, it's lovely weather

For a sleigh ride together with you.

 

Kermit

 

I'll do this part.

Giddyup, giddyup, giddyup, let's go

Let's look at the show

We're riding in a wonderland of snow.

 

Regis

 

Giddyup, giddyup, giddyup, it's grand

Just holding your hand

 

Kermit

 

We're riding -- uh, that's a hard line right there. Why don't you take that one?

[ The music continues and no one sings ]

Sorry. I wonder if we could do that again. Sorry, Regis. 

 

Regis

 

Tell you what, let's start with "our cheeks are nice and rosy."

 

Kermit

 

[ sings ]

... And comfy cosy are we

We're snuggled up together

Like two birds of a feather would be

 

Regis

 

Let's take that road before us

And sing a chorus or two

 

Kermit

 

Now we're back on track!

 

Regis

 

Come on, it's lovely weather 

For a sleigh ride together with you.

 

Kermit

 

Okay... 

There's a happy feeling nothing in the world can buy

 

Regis

 

When we pass around the coffee and the pumpkin pie

 

Kermit

 

That's right!

 

Regis

 

It'll really be like a picture print

By Currier and Ives

 

Kermit

 

These wonderful things are the things

We'll remember all through our lives

Just hear those sleigh bells ringling,

Ring ting tingling too

 

Both

 

Come on, it's lovely weather 

For a sleigh ride together with you.

Outside, the snow is falling

And friends are calling Yoo Hoo

Come on, it's lovely weather 

For a sleigh ride together with you.

 

Kermit

 

With you!

 

Regis

 

With you!

 

Kermit

 

You too!

 

Regis

 

And you! Kermit the Frog, everybody!

 

Kermit

 

Thank you! Thank you.

 

Regis

 

Twenty-five years in show business -- in The Muppet Show

 

Kermit

 

Thank you!

 

Regis

 

Martina McBride coming up next... We'll be right back!

 

 

Next in the Anthology:

Miss Piggy rings in the New Year

by standing on top of a building

in the freezing cold!

 

December Anthology  --  Anthology Contents

 

 

Danny@ToughPigs.com