Tough Pigs Anthology

 

It Feels Like Christmas

December 2001

 

December Anthology  --  Anthology Contents

 

 

Part Four : Unhappy New Year

Miss Piggy on 

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

December 31, 1996

   

Jay

 

Folks, right now, we gotta check with our old buddy and Tonight Show correspondent Miss Piggy. Miss Piggy is standing by live at the Marriott Marquis Hotel at Times Square in New York City. Miss Piggy, are you there? 

 

[ Miss Piggy is standing outside on the top of a building above Times Square. She's dressed in a low-cut sequined evening gown and a fur wrap. She's shivering. ]

 

Jay

 

There you are. There's Miss Piggy. Isn't she beautiful! Miss Piggy, what is the temperature?

 

Piggy

 

The temperature? With the wind chill factor, it's sixty-eight degrees below zero! Oh, by the way, Jay?

 

Jay

 

Yes?

 

Piggy

 

I have a wonderful Fun Fact for you. About one million people are expected in Times Square tonight. Eighty-five percent of them are coming from outside New York. Fifteen percent of them are New Yorkers. And one hundred percent of them are total wackos

 

Jay

 

That's good to know. Now, how are you doing there, exactly? Where are you?

 

Piggy

 

Where am I?

 

Jay

 

Yeah.

 

Piggy

 

I'm on top of a building in the middle of the night, Jay, how do you think I am? I'm freezing my bajongas off!

 

Jay

 

What part of the pig is the bajonga? Well, never mind.

 

Piggy

 

You don't want to know!

 

Jay

 

Let me ask you this -- What does the crowd look like?

 

Piggy

 

It looks dangerous, Jay! Right now, they're passing Dick Clark around over their heads!

 

Jay

 

Really. 

 

Piggy

 

[ Piggy yells down at the crowd: ] Yaaaaaahhh!

 

Jay

 

Miss Piggy... if I could get your attention... what do you usually do on New Year's Eve?

 

Piggy

 

Well, usually, I have a romantic candlelight dinner for two with Kermie. But this year, my agent Bernie decided I should spend New Year's Eve on top of a freezing building with three teamsters named Vinnie!

 

Jay

 

Well, you look very lovely... Is that some sort of a designer outfit you're wearing? 

 

Piggy

 

Yeah, yeah. It's from the winter collection of Nanook of the North! [ shivers ] Rrrrrrrr! I'm freezing my butt off!

 

Jay

 

Why don't you try to get warm... We'll check back with you a little later in the program. Bye!

 

 

 

Jay

 

Folks, we are just moments away from the ball falling, and it's filled with molten lead this year... This is gonna be unbelievable. Let's check in with Miss Piggy, who's in Times Square. There is she again. You look lovely. Doesn't she look lovely? Miss Piggy, let me ask you -- How are the New Yorkers? Are they forward? Any signs of unpleasant behavior?

 

Piggy

 

You mean, aside from your crew? No, I love New York. New Yorkers are the most charming, sophisticated, wonderfully behaved... [ screams down at roaring crowd: ] Hey, would you knock it off down there? I'm working up here! Uh, sorry... Oh, look! Look, look!

 

Jay

 

What is it?

 

Piggy

 

11:58! It's gonna -- the ball's gonna go down! The ball's gonna go down! Aaaah! 

 

Jay

 

Miss Piggy... Miss Piggy... 

 

Piggy

 

Aaaaah! Aaaaah!

 

Jay

 

Have you ever been this excited before?

 

Piggy

 

No! No! The ball's gonna drop! It's gonna drop! Where is it? Where's the ball?

 

Jay

 

Let me ask you... Normally, at midnight, who would you be kissing? What would you be doing?

 

Piggy

 

Who cares? The ball's gonna drop! The ball's gonna drop!

 

Jay

 

You still have enough time... Would you be with Kermit normally now?

 

Piggy

 

Of course I would! The ball's gonna drop! The ball's gonna drop! Where is it?

 

Jay

 

There it is, right there... There's the ball... 10! 9! 8! 7! 6! 5! 4! 3! 2! 1! Zero! Happy New Year!

 

 

 

[ The ball drops. Miss Piggy dances on the rooftop as 1997 begins. ]

 

 

Next in the Anthology:

One more New Year's treat...

Miss Piggy dumps Matt Lauer

on New Year's Day, 1998!

 

December Anthology  --  Anthology Contents

 

 

Danny@ToughPigs.com