Tough Pigs Anthology

 

It Feels Like Christmas

December 2001

 

December Anthology  --  Anthology Contents

 

 

Part Five : The Morning After

Miss Piggy on 

The Today Show with Matt Lauer

January 1, 1998

   

Matt

 

Many of us this morning -- in addition to moving a little slowly -- are reflecting on our goals for the New Year. And I'm pleased that my friend, the real Babe, Miss Piggy, has come by to tell us what her resolutions are for 1998.

 

Piggy

 

[ Piggy yawns aggressively. She's dressed in a daring black lace evening gown, and she's got confetti and streamers in her hair. ]

 

Matt

 

Miss Piggy, good morning! Happy New Year. Nice to see you. Thanks for getting up so early!

 

Piggy

 

Yeah, whatever.

 

Matt

 

Are you not in a good mood this morning?

 

Piggy

 

No, I'm fine, Matthew. I mean, you and I had a wonderful night last night, did we not?

 

Matt

 

Well, let's... Let's not...

 

Piggy

 

And thank you for the corsage when you picked me up...

 

Matt

 

You're more than welcome...

 

Piggy

 

But the truth is... We both know the truth, that I only agreed to do the show this morning because there was no other way to, uh... dump you.

 

Matt

 

What do you mean, dump me?

 

Piggy

 

I had six other parties to go to. 

 

Matt

 

Did you not have a good time with me last night?

 

Piggy

 

Matthew... Matthew... Can we just say that when a person picks up a pig for a date, that the New Year's kiss does not begin at 6:30pm?

 

Matt

 

But I was -- Look at this outfit! I was inspired.

 

Piggy

 

I am exhausted! [ yawn ] Can we get on with the interview, please? I want to go home.

 

Matt

 

Well, let me just say that -- I thought, in Times Square, at the stroke of midnight, when the ball dropped, there was a certain magic. Did you not feel it?

 

Piggy

 

Yes, I did. I felt a certain magic with the crowd, with the event... Would you get this thing off my nose? 

 

Matt

 

Sure. [ brushes stray confetti off Piggy's nose ]

 

Piggy

 

It's just that... I think there's something that you and I should have out in the open.

 

Matt

 

Well... Go.

 

Piggy

 

It's over.

 

Matt

 

I'm being dumped by a pig!

 

Piggy

 

Matthew... it's just that it's now getting very close to stalking.

 

Matt

 

Let me ask you... Since it is New Year's Day, and we've already been discussing some possible New Year's resolutions, what are yours? 

 

Piggy

 

My attitude about moiself: If it ain't broke, don't fix it! However, I do have some -- [ yawn ] -- I do have some resolutions for you.

 

Matt

 

For me?

 

Piggy

 

Mmm hmm.

 

Matt

 

Okay. What would they be?

 

Piggy

 

Well, I think, first of all, get someone of your own species.

 

Matt

 

No cross-dating anymore?

 

Piggy

 

No cross-dating. Nothing personal. It's not you. It's moi

 

Matt

 

Are you too good for me?

 

Piggy

 

Ye-ess... Yes, now that you mention it... [ yawn ]... 

 

Matt

 

Do you have any other resolutions, for me or anyone else here on the Today Show? Katie, Al, Ann?

 

Piggy

 

Katie? I wish she could be cuter.

 

Matt

 

How could she be cuter?

 

Piggy

 

She's just not perky enough, ya know? It's just this dead seriousness every morning. Day in! Day out! 

 

Matt

 

What about Al?

 

Piggy

 

Al? Al's a dear. I'd like to have him talk about weather, but not in this country. I hear nothing about Antigua.

 

Matt

 

That's true.

 

Piggy

 

Nothing!

 

Matt

 

Al hasn't done his Antigua forecast in a long time.

 

Piggy

 

When has he done that?

 

Matt

 

Never.

 

Piggy

 

Fine. Your hand is in my shot.

 

Matt

 

I'm sorry. Ann Curry? Anything for Ann?

 

Piggy

 

I just think that Ann, when she does the news... She could do it walking. I think it would bring some motion to the show. Walk back and forth. Mm-hmm. I'm not saying that any of this is funny, Matthew. I'm not suggesting for a moment this is humorous.

 

Matt

 

What about Willard? I know you and Willard go way back.

 

Piggy

 

Yes, Willard and I exchanged wigs at one time.

 

Matt

 

Do you have a resolution for Mr. Scott, for the New Year?

 

Piggy

 

Yes, I resolve that -- well, I call him Scotty -- that next year, he and I will go out on the date that you and I went out this year.

 

Matt

 

Can I ask you one question?

 

Piggy

 

No. I hope it's a funny straight line.

 

Matt

 

If you dumped me a few minutes ago, why do you keep putting your hand on my leg?

 

Piggy

 

Well, I'm only a pig. And there are temptations, Matthew. 

 

Matt

 

I'm not complaining. I'm just asking.

 

Piggy

 

It's not that I like any part of you. It's just this darn knee. It's this darn knee that just gets to me. The rest of you -- we could just take a taxi on. It's the knee that drives me absolutely wahongas.

 

Matt

 

Well, let's do this. Let's not be so rushed...

 

Piggy

 

Did you ever play football?

 

Matt

 

No, I didn't.

 

Piggy

 

Okay, good. That knee's in good shape, then.

 

Matt

 

Let's not be quite so rash in our decision never to see one another again. Let's let the year progress, and possibly if I were to call you as the next holiday season approaches, you might reconsider? 

 

Piggy

 

Mmm-mmm. No way. No way, Renee. 

 

Matt

 

Well, it was fun while it lasted, Miss Piggy.

 

Piggy

 

Yeah. Can we end the interview now? I want to go home, get in my jammies. 

 

Matt

 

You can go home, but... can I have one final kiss?

 

Piggy

 

You mean, after the others? Okay, wait, wait, wait. Let's get a close-up. This is worth a close-up. Wait, easy!

 

Matt

 

Don't make me beg. 

 

Piggy

 

Is this an attack dog I have here? [ Matt kisses Piggy's snout. ]

 

Matt

 

Happy New Year, Miss Piggy! We're gonna be back with more on this New Year's Day in just a moment. This is Today on NBC! [ He hugs Piggy as they fade out. ]

 

Piggy

 

Aaaah! You're like Katie, now! You're killing me!

 

 

In the January Anthology:

Elmo insults Australia,

and Oscar the Grouch flirts with Hillary Clinton

in a month of Sesame Street appearances! 

 

December Anthology  --  Anthology Contents

 

 

Danny@ToughPigs.com