Ernie vs Bert, Round Four

Published: February 4, 2003
Categories: Uncategorized

eb4Ernie vs Bert

— Round 4 —

A Fine Mess

Yeah, I know, it’s been a while, but how about a couple more Ernie and Bert sketches? These are from the early-to-mid 70’s:

[ Bert wraps a big present as Ernie enters. ]
Bert


Ha, ha… boy oh boy.
Ernie


Hi there, Bert. What’ve you got there?
Bert


Oh, hi, Ernie. I just wrapped this present here…
Ernie


A present? A present, Bert? Oh, wow, what a surprise! Oh boy, am I surprised, Bert. Gee, you just shouldn’t have done it.
Bert


Oh, Ernie, oh, no, what it is, see, Ernie…
Ernie


No, don’t tell me what it is, you’ll spoil the surprise. Let me just guess what it is. Y’know, I bet it’s a new football!
Bert


Oh, no, Ernie…
Ernie


You just knew I wanted a new football, don’t you, Bert?
Bert


No, Ernie…
Ernie


Just one second, Bert, I’ll be right back.
[ Ernie dashes off screen and rummages around. Ernie starts flinging junk around; some of it hits Bert in the face.]
Bert


No, no, let me explain, you see… Ernie…
[ Ernie comes back in, wearing his football helmet and singing the Northwestern fight song. ]
Ernie


Go, Northwestern… Okay, I’ve got my football helmet on, I’m all ready to open my new football.
Bert


No.
Ernie


No?
Bert


It’s not a football.
Ernie


Not a football.
Bert


No. Take that silly helmet off, it’s not a football!
[ Ernie takes his helmet off, and throws it casually over his shoulder. Bert watches it crash to the floor. ]
Ernie


Okay, don’t tell me what it is, I will guess what it is, if it’s not a football.
Bert


Okay, okay. I’ve had it.
Ernie


It’s just the right size for… a CAKE!
Bert


No!
Ernie


It’s a CAKE, Bert! I know that’s what it is, it’s a cake! Just one second, Bert, I’ll be right back.
[ Ernie hurries off and starts throwing stuff around again. ]
Bert


Ernie… oh, Ernie, look, it is not… [ Something flies through the air and hits Bert right in the face. ] Okay, that does it… Ernie!
[ Ernie enters, with a bib and a fork. ]
Ernie


Okay, I got my napkin on, I have my fork, and I’m all ready to eat my cake. So…
Bert


Ernie… hold it.
Ernie


What?
Bert


It is not a cake. Ernie, old pal…
Ernie


Well then, I’ll just keep guessing then, huh?
Bert


No, you don’t have to keep guessing, Ernie, because…
Ernie


No, don’t tell me what it is, Bert, because you’ll spoil the surprise. I’ll just guess it. Okay? Don’t worry. Hey, I know what it is, it must be a new lamp to put by my bed, so I can read! I knew it! Okay, just one second, Bert, I’ll be right back…
[ Ernie rummages around some more; junk flies by Bert’s head. ]
Bert


Ernie, Ernie, I’m trying to tell you… what was that? Ernie, look…
[ Ernie enters, with a book. ]
Ernie


I’ve got it — this is going to be the first book that I’m going to read with my new lamp, Bert.
Bert


It’s not.
Ernie


It’s not?
Bert


It’s not a lamp.
Ernie


It’s not a lamp?
Bert


No. It’s not a lamp. It’s not a football. It’s not a cake. I am trying to tell you, now please stop guessing!
Ernie


You’re right, Bert. You’re absolutely right.
Bert


Finally.
Ernie


Because if I guess what it is, I’ll spoil the surprise, right?
Bert


Right.
Ernie


I’ll just open it.
Bert


Well, not really, see, what it is…
[ Ernie reaches for the present and starts tearing it open. ]
Ernie


Okay… da dum dum…
Bert


Ernie, Ernie! Please don’t open it! You don’t know what you’re doing! Look, you don’t understand, see, what that present is… Ernie…
[ Ernie opens the present, and pulls out a pink pillbox hat, with pink flowers on top. ]
Ernie


Hey. Gee, it’s a… it’s a hat.
Bert


Yeah.
Ernie


With a veil.
Bert


Yeah.
Ernie


And flowers on top, too.
Bert


Right. Right.
Ernie


Well, see, Bert… I really am surprised.
Bert


Yeah?
Ernie


Yeah.
Bert


Well, uh, you know who else is going to be surprised, Ernie?
Ernie


Who?
Bert


My Aunt Matilda!
Ernie


She is?
Bert


Yeah, when she finds out that YOU opened the surprise present I bought for HER!
Ernie


… Gee, Bert. Did you buy one of these for her, too?
[ Ernie puts on the hat and exits. Bert moans, and collapses on the floor. ]
[ Ernie is standing around, humming to himself, when Bert enters. ]
Ernie


Hum, toot toot, ba dum bum bum…
Bert


Hey, Ernie.
Ernie


Oh, hi, Bert!
Bert


Hi.
Ernie


Oh boy, am I glad to see you.
Bert


You are?
Ernie


Yes, because I have a very important note for you.
Bert


Oh, you do, a note!
Ernie


Yes, a note. It’s a little hand written note, and I have it, and it’s for you.
Bert


Where is it?
Ernie


Well, it was in my pocket a minute ago.
Bert


Well, find it. Get it.
Ernie


Let’s see. Maybe I put it in my toybox. Just a minute.
[ Ernie starts rummaging through the toybox. ]
Bert


Your toybox. Okay.
[ As Ernie goes through the box, he throws toys over his shoulder — a truck, a ball, a baseball glove — tossing them behind him, narrowly missing Bert. ]
Bert


Hey, Ernie… hey, watch it, you know, take it easy.
Ernie


I had it around here somewhere, Bert.
Bert


Hey, if it’s a very important note, I’d like to have it. You know. Come on.
Ernie


Yeah, well, I had it right here… [ He keeps tossing toys. ]
Bert


Ernie… you’re making a mess of this place trying to find the note.
Ernie


Yeah, well…
Bert


Who wrote it?
Ernie


I did, Bert.
Bert


You did?
Ernie


Yeah.
Bert


Then why don’t you just tell me what you said in it?
Ernie


Well, if I could remember what I said in it, I wouldn’t have to write it down, Bert.
Bert


I guess that — [ A toy hits Bert in the face. He does a slow burn. ]
Ernie


I have it around here somewhere…
Bert


ERNIE!!!
Ernie


Rubber Duckie, have you seen my note? [ He squeezes Rubber Duckie. ] You haven’t seen it either, huh?
Bert


Hasn’t seen the note. Good. Good. Okay. Just get the note, Ernie, okay?
Ernie


Yeah, well, it’s around here somewhere.
Bert


You’re throwing things around the apartment, Ernie! You’re making a mess here!
Ernie


Maybe it’s… it must be in the clothes hamper if it’s not in the toybox.
Bert


Yeah. Clothes hamper… What’s a note doing in the clothes hamper?
[ Ernie starts looking through the clothes hamper, tossing random items of clothing behind his shoulder. ]
Bert


Come on, will you cut it out? Is the note important? Is it that important, really?
Ernie


Yeah, it’s very important, Bert.
Bert


Well, it better be, because you’re making a real mess of this apartment. Look at all this junk… My pants!
[ Ernie tosses a sheet over his shoulder, it comes to rest on Bert’s shoulder. Bert brushes it off. ]
Bert


Okay, Ernie. Cut it out. HOLD it!
Ernie


Wait a minute!
Bert


Ernie! Ernie! Will you find the note, please!
Ernie


Here it is, Bert! I found the note! Would you believe that. Here.
Bert


Finally!
Ernie


Here, I’ll let you read it.
Bert


This better be important.
Ernie


Oh, it is, Bert. It’s very important.
Bert


Okay. It says…
Ernie


What’s it say?
Bert


“Dear Bert… It’s your turn to clean up… the apartment… Love, Ernie.”
[ Ernie laughs, and exits. Bert sighs. ]

Color Commentary:

This whole exercise is very valuable for me, personally, because I never really realized until now exactly how hostile Ernie is.

According to Chuck Jones in his book Chuck Amuck, Bugs Bunny cartoons always had to involve some sort of justification for Bugs to get mad. Bugs was such a powerful figure, so easily dominating any situation, that they always had to start the cartoon with him being peaceful and calm, sitting in his rabbit hole, not bothering anybody. Then Yosemite Sam comes along, or Elmer Fudd stops by with a gun, or they bulldoze the forest and put up an opera house over his hole, or what have you, and Bugs is forced to get involved. And even with provocation, it usually takes a minute for Bugs to really warm up; he’ll usually tap the offender on the shoulder, ask what’s up, and try to patiently explain that he’s just trying to live there in peace. It’s only after they take a swing at him that he yells, “Of course, you realize that this means war!” And then it’s all over for the bully.

And that makes sense, because otherwise Bugs would be the bully, and that would be intolerable. I’d always figured Ernie and Bert worked the same way.

But no. In these sketches, just like the ones I posted in Round 3, Bert has done absolutely nothing to incur Ernie’s wrath. In fact — by any reasonable standards — Bert is impossibly, unrealistically patient with Ernie. He even calls him “Ernie, old pal,” after two minutes of getting hit in the face with flying trash. Bert could not possibly act in a more exemplary way in these sketches.

And Ernie is just straight-up messing with him, there’s no way around it. Not only does he ignore Bert’s impassioned pleas, trash the apartment, and steal Aunt Matilda’s hat — he also clearly throws stuff directly into Bert’s face. Half the fun of these sketches is that Ernie (and the off-screen stagehands) are clearly and deliberately aiming at Bert’s pointy head, just because it’s funny to watch stuff twang off Bert’s nose. In the second sketch, you can actually see Ernie keep throwing clothes at Bert until he manages to get something to drape on Bert’s body for a second. (He misses Bert’s head when he tosses the sheet, which is clearly frustrating to both Henson and Oz.)

So, Ernie’s picking on Bert for no reason, and there’s just one thing that keeps him funny and not despicable… and that’s his boundless enthusiasm. No matter what he does, you can’t help but love a guy who gets that excited about a new bedside lamp. He dives into every moment, committing fully to whatever it is that’s happening just then. It’s just endlessly engaging.

So he steals hats. Nobody’s perfect.

by Danny Horn

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