Tough Pigs News Extra

May 13-17, 2002

News Extra Contents

 

Pig Gets the Square

Kermit and Miss Piggy

on Hollywood Squares

 

   Regular Tough Pigs readers -- and yes, there are a few -- will notice that I didn't bother to do a big News Extra page when Kermit, Gonzo, Elmo or Bear appeared on Hollywood Squares over the last few months, but I'm making a big deal about it this week, when Kermit and Miss Piggy appear. There's a couple reasons for this. Reason #1 is that Piggy is being performed by Eric Jacobson, the new alternate Piggy performer who also performs Grover and Bert on Sesame Street, and I think this may be the first US television appearance of Jacobson as Piggy. Reason #2 is that I just love Miss Piggy, okay? 

 

   Hollywood Squares, like all game shows, is entirely pointless and dull, so I'm going to transcribe the Muppet bits here, and leave everything else out. Just assume that the stuff I'm skipping is pretty dull, and that some of it involves Nancy Kerrigan. 

 

 

Monday           Tuesday           Wednesday           Thursday           Friday

 

      

Monday, May 13

 

   Before I do the transcript, actually, here's a little crib sheet for anyone who's lucky enough to have avoided this show. Hollywood Squares is a weird show where celebrities are put in little cages and forced to produce entertainment, kind of like factory-farm chickens. Tom Bergeron is the host, Whoopi Goldberg is the diva, today's contestants are named Cynthia and Letitia, and this week's celebrities include Gilbert Gottfried, Seth Peterson, Brad Garrett and Tangi Miller. There, that's you all caught up.

 

Tom

 

In the popular children's story "The Three Little Pigs," Gilbert, when the wolf said, "Let me in," what did the pigs reply?

 

Gilbert

 

Not until the third date!

 

[ Piggy reacts. Kermit nods. ]

 

Kermit

 

Yeah, that's been my experience, for sure.

 

[ Piggy sizes him up, and growls. ]

 

Gilbert

 

Not by the hairs of my chinny chin chin...

 

 

 

 

 

Tom

 

Letitia -- you won the first game, you kick off this one.

 

Letitia

 

Miss Piggy and Kermit!

 

Tom

 

Miss Piggy and Kermit -- the Muppets are celebrating their 25th anniversary.

 

Kermit

 

Yes! Thank you.

 

Piggy

 

Yes! 

 

Tom

 

By the way, Kermit, welcome back, and Miss Piggy, a distinct pleasure to have you here as well.

 

Piggy

 

Oh, thank you, Thomas. I just want to thank Whoopi for inviting me. Since moi couldn't make that little Hollywood shindig she hosted in March, she's letting me pick up my award here tonight. 

 

Kermit

 

Uh... uh...

 

Piggy

 

Hey, Whoopi! Where is Mister Short, Gold and Handsome, anyway? Hand 'im over!

 

Whoopi

 

He's in my room, girl.

 

Piggy

 

In your room?

 

Whoopi

 

Uh huh.

 

Piggy

 

I'll be right back.

 

Whoopi

 

You know what we talked about.

 

Kermit

 

Hey, Piggy, wait, wait, wait. We have to play the game first. You can do that later.

 

Piggy

 

(sigh) Awright, awright, awright.

 

Kermit

 

Sorry, Tom.

 

Tom

 

Man, she can turn on a dime, can't she?

 

Kermit

 

Ohhh, yes.

 

Tom

 

A recent poll found that 66% of women resorted to turning to this dirty trick when having a spat with their man. What?

 

Kermit

 

Hmmm.

 

Piggy

 

Oh, that's simple. This.

 

Kermit

 

What?

 

Piggy

 

Hiiiiii-yaaaaa!  [ She karate-chops Kermit, who screams and falls out of sight. ]

 

Whoopi

 

Piggy!

 

Piggy

 

Yes. Yes. No, actually, actually, um... c'mon... [ She looks over, Kermit's still out of sight. ] Kermie? Where -- where did you go?

 

Whoopi

 

Piggy...

 

Kermit

 

[ calls from off-screen ] I fell over the rail!

 

Piggy

 

Um... We need a stagehand over here! Anyway, no, no, actually, it's crying. Crying.

 

Letitia

 

I agree!

 

Tom

 

No, asking for a divorce! X gets that square. Could we get the paramedics in to check on Kermit, please? Meanwhile, consider this -- vocalist Celine Dion claims that her baby cries every time he hears this. What? Is he all right?...

 

 

 

 

 

Tom

 

Cynthia, I believe it's your chance to tie it up here.

 

Cynthia

 

Yes, it is. Seth Peterson for the win, please!

 

Tom

 

All right, for a tie game... UN Secretary General Kofi Annan recently made an appearance on this long-running TV show to teach a lesson in conflict resolution. What's the show? 

 

Seth

 

The Sopranos. "Resolve your conflict, right now!" No, actually, it's a very renowned show, it's been around forever. Crossfire.

 

Cynthia

 

I'll agree.

 

Tom

 

Kermit, do you want to tell him what show he appeared on?

 

Kermit

 

I have a sneaking feeling it just might have been Sesame Street.

 

Tom

 

It was Sesame Street, yes, that's right.

 

Piggy

 

Oh, the puppet show?

 

Tom

 

Circle gets the block there...

 

 

 

 

 

[ At the end, during the credits: ]

 

Brad

 

You'll have to talk slowly, I'm a little overcome by the smell of pork. 

 

Kermit

 

Oooohhhhh...

 

Piggy

 

Watch it, Garrett!

 

Brad

 

No, it's not Miss Piggy... Tangi had the carnitas.

 

 

 

 

Monday           Tuesday           Wednesday           Thursday           Friday

 

     

Tuesday, May 14

 

   Today's contestants are named, believe it or not, Dwayne and Kimy. At the start of the show, Nancy Kerrigan posed the eternal question: "One of our stars got their start as a ballroom dancing extra on a TV variety series before rocketing to stardom. Which star is it?" By the way, today Miss Piggy is dressed like a Snowth. I'm not sure why.

 

Tom

 

Who among our stars began their career as a ballroom dancing extra? Miss Piggy, on The Muppet Show!

 

Piggy

 

Yes! Yes! 

 

Kermit

 

That's right!

 

Piggy

 

Yes, it's true.

 

Tom

 

Miss Piggy, could you give us a few of those moves now?

 

Piggy

 

Mmm. [ She sort of sways back and forth. ] La la la la, la la la la...

 

Tom

 

Very nice! You can see why that led to superstardom...

 

 

 

Dwayne

 

Miss Piggy and Kermit for the block!

 

Tom

 

Miss Piggy and Kermit! Find out about the huge East Coast Muppetfest by checking out muppetfest.com!

 

Kermit

 

That's true!

 

Piggy

 

Mm hmm.

 

Tom

 

Yes. Good to have you both here. 

 

Kermit

 

Thank you.

 

Piggy

 

Thank you, Thomas.

 

Tom

 

Before they came up with the name that stuck, this group of funny people thought of calling themselves The Toad Elevating Moment. Who are they?

 

Kermit

 

Uh, the Osbournes.

 

Piggy

 

Oh! Isn't my frog so current! Ha ha. 

 

Kermit

 

Uh, yes. What do you think the real answer is, Piggy?

 

Piggy

 

Um. Let's see, uh -- Kids in the Hall!

 

Tom

 

Kids in the Hall?

 

Dwayne

 

I disagree!

 

Tom

 

Monty Python! X gets the block there...

 

 

 

Kimy

 

Miss Piggy and Kermit...

 

Tom

 

Miss Piggy and Kermit! The lovely couple. Kermit, this one's for you -- The Oregonian reports a pair of these creatures can produce one trillion offspring in just one summer. What creatures?

 

Kermit

 

Ah. The Osmonds. They're just -- all over the place. Ya know?

 

Piggy

 

Remember what I said about him being current?  [ She rolls her eyes. ]  I take it back.

 

Kermit

 

Can Piggy whisper to me?  [ She leans over and whispers to him. ]  Uh. We think it's probably trout. 

 

Tom

 

Trout!

 

Kimy

 

I'll disagree.

 

Tom

 

Houseflies is what it is. Circle gets that one...

 

 

   By the way, you may have noticed that I just said that Miss Piggy rolls her eyes. Now, I know she's a puppet, and that her eyes don't actually move. But I'm telling you, she actually rolled her eyes. Eric Jacobson is very, very good. Where they got the ballroom dancing thing I just don't know.

 

 

Monday           Tuesday           Wednesday           Thursday           Friday

 

     

Wednesday, May 15

 

   In today's episode, Miss Piggy has migrated to center stage, as she tends to do. She's abandoned Kermit in the corner square, and moved in to center square with Whoopi Goldberg. Today's contestants are Mark and Pat...

 

Mark

 

Whoopi Goldberg and Miss Piggy, please...

 

Tom

 

All right, Whoopi and Miss Piggy!

 

Piggy

 

[ looking around Whoopi's square ] Oh my gosh, I can't believe all the extras you've got in here. Is that a DVD player?

 

Whoopi

 

Do you want a Coke?

 

Piggy

 

What? A Coke? Yeah, yeah, sure.

 

Whoopi

 

... Or do you want, like, a Samuel Adams?

 

Piggy

 

What is that, a jacuzzi?

 

Whoopi

 

Yeah!

 

Piggy

 

Oh, my gosh. Where do you keep the Oscars?

 

Whoopi

 

I've got 'em in my room, I told you that. Now, let's answer the boy's question. 

 

Piggy

 

Oh, okay. Yes. Ah ha ha ha.

 

Whoopi

 

Ha ha ha. [ Whoopi rolls her eyes. ]

 

Tom

 

Here we go, Piggy, Whoopi. True or False: The Queen of England only gets to vote in general elections. 

 

Whoopi

 

What do you think, is it true or false? I think it's false.

 

Piggy

 

You think it's false?

 

Whoopi

 

Yeah, I do.

 

Piggy

 

I'll go with you.

 

Whoopi

 

Okay. You tell him.

 

Piggy

 

Um... false.

 

Tom

 

False?

 

Mark

 

I'm going to agree with them.

 

Tom

 

False is true, yes, that's right! The royal family doesn't get to vote at all! X gets the square...

 

 

 

 

 

Mark

 

Could I have Kermit the Frog, please?

 

Kermit

 

You certainly can! Thank you much!

 

Tom

 

Kermit the Frog... The Muppets, by the way, celebrating the 25th anniversary...

 

Kermit

 

-- of The Muppet Show.

 

Tom

 

Of The Muppet Show.

 

Kermit

 

I'm much older.

 

Tom

 

Are you now?

 

Kermit

 

Yes, I am.

 

Tom

 

Oh, very good. You're holding it well, Kermit.

 

Kermit

 

Thank you. Good clean swamp living.

 

Tom

 

It is after they reach 120 pounds that you can officially call a pig a what?

 

Kermit

 

A diva.

 

Piggy

 

[ calling from center square: ]  Watch it, frog! You're lucky you're up there!

 

Kermit

 

No, actually, I think the answer to that question about the 120 pound thing is a sow. Sorry, Piggy.

 

Tom

 

A sow.

 

Mark

 

No, I disagree. 

 

Tom

 

A hog!

 

Kermit

 

Yes...

 

 

 

 

 

Mark

 

Could I have Whoopi and Miss Piggy for the block, please?

 

Tom

 

Whoopi and Miss Piggy, yes indeed... Miss Manners says there's only one time when a lady shouldn't wear pearls. It's when she's wearing -- what?

 

Whoopi

 

Frog legs! Sorry, sorry.

 

Kermit

 

That's disgusting!

 

Whoopi

 

Sorry. I think this is actually a question for you.

 

Piggy

 

Yes, yes, I think so. I'd say -- diamonds. Yes. Miss Manners says vous should never wear pearls with diamonds.

 

Tom

 

With diamonds...

 

Mark

 

No, I disagree.

 

Tom

 

With a bathing suit. X gets the block there...

 

 

 

 

 

Mark

 

I'll start with Whoopi and Miss Piggy, please...

 

Tom

 

All right, Whoopi and Miss Piggy... Every year, 9.8 million dogs have something special done for them. What is it? 

 

Piggy

 

Oh, I know this one. I know this one.

 

Whoopi

 

You do? Tell him, then.

 

Piggy

 

Yes, yes. I take Foo Foo to the mall all the time, every Christmas, to get a photograph taken of them.

 

Tom

 

To get a photograph taken of them?

 

Mark

 

I'll disagree.

 

Tom

 

No, their owners throw them a birthday party. X gets that one.

 

Whoopi

 

WHAT?

 

Piggy

 

Oh, I do that too...

 

 

 

 

 

Mark

 

Let's start with Whoopi and Miss Piggy again!

 

Tom

 

Miss Piggy, what are you eating if you've just ordered a pig between the sheets?

 

Piggy

 

Sounds to me like you're ordering up a very good time!

 

Kermit

 

[ makes a face: ]  Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

 

Piggy

 

All right, all right. No, it's a French dish called pomme frites!

 

Mark

 

I disagree.

 

Tom

 

Ham on white bread is what it is.  [ Piggy stares at Whoopi in disbelief. ]  X gets the square...

 

 

 

 

 

Mark

 

Let's start with Kermit the Frog, please.

 

Tom

 

All right, Kermit!

 

Kermit

 

Mark, my man! Yes, Mark! Yes, sir.

 

Tom

 

Kermit, like his cousin the worm, this creature has 32 brains. What is he?

 

Kermit

 

Uh, Ben Stein. I think. No, he has 33 brains. How about, how about -- uh, it's related to the worm, it must be a snake.

 

Tom

 

A snake.

 

Mark

 

I agree.

 

Tom

 

A leech, actually. Circle gets that one.

 

Kermit

 

Yeah. Oh, well.

 

Tom

 

Pat?

 

Pat

 

Whoopi and Miss Piggy, please!

 

Tom

 

All right, Whoopi and Miss Piggy... The Chicken Ranch is a very famous brothel in Texas. It earned its nickname during the Great Depression, when the owners let the customers do what? 

 

Whoopi

 

Well, let's just say that there were some very surprised chickens!

 

Piggy

 

[ Piggy is shocked. ]  Kermit, I'm moving back up there with you!

 

Kermit

 

I kept your seat warm!

 

Whoopi

 

Now, here's the kicker, is that they used to pay for these women with chickens. That was the currency.

 

Pat

 

I agree.

 

Tom

 

Yeah, it was during the Great Depression. They paid with chickens. That's right. Circle gets that one...

 

 

 

 

 

The closing credits features a series of four Kermit-Piggy clips promoting the next episode...

 

Kermit

 

Watch us ham it up!

 

Piggy

 

WHAT?

 

Kermit

 

That's just a figure of speech. On the Hollywood Squares Tournament of Champions!

 

Piggy

 

Figure of speech?

 

 

 

Kermit

 

You'll be green with envy!

 

Piggy

 

If you miss the next Hollywood Squares!

 

Kermit

 

Very nice.

 

Piggy

 

Thank you.

 

 

 

Piggy

 

I was told moi would have her own square. This is an insult!

 

Kermit

 

Piggy...

 

Piggy

 

No offense, dear. 

 

Kermit

 

Sheesh.

 

 

 

 

 

[ Piggy has her arm around Kermit. ]

 

Kermit

 

Don't miss the next...

 

Piggy

 

Hollywood Squares!

 

Kermit

 

Err. Not so tight.

 

[ She tightens her grip and puts him in a headlock. ]

 

 

   Now, what we learned from this last episode is that contestant Mark is obviously a Muppet fan. We know that because he consistently chose Muppets all the time, and then almost always disagreed with them. Just like I do! He must read Tough Pigs.

 

 

 

 

Monday           Tuesday           Wednesday           Thursday           Friday

 

     

Thursday, May 16

 

   Miss Piggy goes back to Kermit's square for this episode, and just in time...

 

 

Tom

 

What ill-tempered Wild West figure had a mistress named "Big-Nose Kate"?

 

Whoopi

 

"Giant-Tongue Bob"...

 

[ The next question goes to Kermit and Piggy... ]

 

Piggy

 

You should see Kermit's tongue!

 

Kermit

 

[ embarrassed ] I'm not opening my mouth...

 

Tom

 

I don't think we want to go there, Piggy...

 

Kermit

 

No, we don't wanna go there!

 

Tom

 

I don't know if we wanna go here, either. Please excuse me, Miss Piggy, but I didn't write this: Because the tastiest parts of the pig are supposed to be the upper parts, people enjoying the good life are said to be living how?

 

Piggy

 

[ Piggy turns her back to the audience, humming "I can't hear you" sounds ]

 

Kermit

 

I would say dangerously, I think!

 

Piggy

 

[ sweetly ] But, Kermie, if vous would like to nibble my ear, that's fine with me...

 

Kermit

 

Uh... maybe some other time, thank you!

 

Piggy

 

He's so modest.

 

Kermit

 

I think the answer is "living off the fat of the land." [ to Piggy: ] Nothing personal!

 

Piggy

 

[ icily ] None taken...

 

 

 

Tom

 

If you were on a diet, the book Colors For Your Every Mood suggests avoiding napkins and tablecloths that are what color?

 

Piggy

 

CHOCOLATE! If it's chocolate-colored, you just scarf 'em right down!

 

Kermit

 

I guess you know that, huh? I think the actual...

 

[ The audience starts to boo Kermit ]

 

Whoopi

 

[ gasp ] Oh, Kermie!

 

Kermit

 

What? What?

 

Piggy

 

Listen to THAT! Listen to THAT! Yes! YES! They're on my side, see?

 

Kermit

 

I don't know if that was about chocolate or diets!

 

[ The booing continues... ]

 

Kermit

 

Okay, I take it back... I think the actual color is red cause that makes you want to eat a lot of stuff.

 

[ The answer turns out to be pink. ]

 

Kermit

 

I was close! I was so close!

 

 

 

Monday           Tuesday           Wednesday           Thursday           Friday

 

     

Friday, May 17

 

   Today is the big exciting showdown between the week's top scorers, Mark and Guy. Okay, maybe it's not that exciting. Still, it's got Miss Piggy in it. 

 

 

Tom

 

Which of our squares had a Top 40 hit in 1979 with the tune "The Rainbow Connection"? From The Muppet Movie, Kermit the Frog!

 

Kermit

 

Yes! That's true! Aw, thanks!

 

Piggy

 

Yes... You were so good with that song, too!

 

 

 

Guy

 

Miss Piggy and Kermit, please.

 

Tom

 

All right, Miss Piggy and Kermit...

 

Kermit

 

Thank you thank you thank you!

 

Piggy

 

Kissy kissy!

 

Tom

 

Find out about the East Coast Muppetfest by checking out muppetfest.com!

 

Kermit

 

That's right, Muppetfest. Where all our fans show up, and, and, and... accost us. But we love it.

 

Piggy

 

Yes, we do.

 

Tom

 

Miss Piggy, this is for you... On the show Green Acres, Eva Gabor grew to hate Arnold the Pig because he got more of this than she did. More of what?

 

Piggy

 

Oh, well, moi was dear, dear friends with both Eva and Arnold, and that whole spat was just a rumor. Mm hmm. Yes, they were very close. In fact, I think Arnold almost married Zsa Zsa a couple of times. [ Piggy kind of muffs the line and only gets a few chuckles. ] Yes. But it is true that Arnold did get more laughs...

 

Kermit

 

Laughs.

 

Piggy

 

... than, uh, than Eva, or... moi. Um. Yes.

 

Tom

 

More laughs!

 

Guy

 

I disagree.

 

Tom

 

More fan mail than Eva got. Circle gets the square...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[ In the next game, Kermit and Miss Piggy are the "secret square," which wins contestant Mark some pianos... ]

 

Mark

 

Can I have Miss Piggy and Kermit, please.

 

Tom

 

Miss Piggy... oh! Secret square!

 

 

 

[ Lights flash and an alarm sound. Piggy screams. ]

 

Piggy

 

OH! Heart attack... uch...

 

Kermit

 

Hey, Mark, those pianos are great. Those pianos are terrific. We're gonna work hard for ya.

 

Tom

 

Can you actually play?

 

Kermit

 

No. But they're great.

 

Tom

 

One of the longest running television programs celebrated its 50th anniversary in 2002. Is it Meet the Press, The Today Show, or The Price is Right?

 

Kermit

 

Ooh! I've been on this show a few times -- 2002?

 

Tom

 

Mm hmm.

 

Kermit

 

That would be The Today Show.

 

Mark

 

I agree.

 

Tom

 

It would be The Today Show...

 

Kermit

 

Yes, it would!

 

Tom

 

That's right! X gets the square...

 

 

 

 

 

Mark

 

Whoopi Goldberg, please!

 

Tom

 

All right, Whoopster. Here we go. A recent report that the Canadian prime minister was retiring to breed exotic cows sent the country's dollar plummeting before what was realized?

 

Whoopi

 

That there's no such thing as an exotic cow. All cows are created alike. Like pigs and frogs.

 

Kermit

 

Yes, ma'am. We're all equal. Some of us are more equal --

 

Piggy

 

Well, some of us are more equal than others.

 

Kermit

 

That was my line. I was gonna say that. [ He chuckles. ] We're just walking all over each other, up here in the barnyard... Sorry.

 

Piggy

 

[ Piggy curls her lip. ] Barnyard?

 

Whoopi

 

I think it was a joke. I think before they realized, like, it was a joke.

 

Mark

 

I agree.

 

Tom

 

It was. It was an April Fool's Day joke, as a matter of fact. Yes. X gets it. Guy...

 

Guy

 

Miss Piggy and Kermit, please.

 

Tom

 

Miss Piggy and Kermit! Look for the new direct to video Kermit's Swamp Years, out this fall. All right, you two. A Hollywood legend warned if you can't control your cleavage, your perfume, your walk and your eyelashes, you'd better stay out of the business. Who said that?

 

Piggy

 

RuPaul. No, really, really...

 

Kermit

 

I think it was J. Edgar Hoover, wasn't it? No, I don't...

 

Piggy

 

No... It was a fellow sex goddess, like myself -- Marilyn Monroe!

 

Tom

 

Marilyn Monroe...

 

Guy

 

I disagree.

 

Tom

 

Joan Crawford said that. Circle gets it...

 

 

   After that, nothing much really happens, except Muppet Fan Mark wins the whole shebang. Score one for Muppet Fans, and score one for Steve and Eric for doing such a fab job this week!

 

 

Monday           Tuesday           Wednesday           Thursday           Friday

 

 

 

   

Thanks to 

Chris Smigliano

for the Thurs transcript

 

Scott Huhn,

aka Dr. Goshposh

for the cool screenshots!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Danny@ToughPigs.com

 

News Extra Contents

The Recast FAQ

Kermit's Swamp Years Trailer

TMS Action Figures Lineup