Tough Pigs News Extra
May 13-17, 2002
Pig Gets the Square
Kermit and Miss Piggy
on Hollywood Squares
Regular Tough Pigs readers -- and yes, there are a few -- will notice that I
didn't bother to do a big News Extra page when Kermit, Gonzo, Elmo or Bear
appeared on Hollywood Squares over the last few months, but I'm making a
big deal about it this week, when Kermit and Miss Piggy appear. There's a
couple reasons for this. Reason #1 is that Piggy is being performed by Eric
Jacobson, the new alternate Piggy performer who also performs Grover and
Bert on Sesame Street, and I think this may be the first US television
appearance of Jacobson as Piggy. Reason #2 is that I just love Miss Piggy, okay?
Hollywood Squares, like all game shows, is entirely pointless and dull, so I'm going to transcribe the Muppet bits here, and leave everything else out. Just assume that the stuff I'm skipping is pretty dull, and that some of it involves Nancy Kerrigan.
Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday
Monday, May 13
Before I do the transcript, actually, here's a little crib sheet for anyone who's lucky enough to have avoided this show. Hollywood Squares is a weird show where celebrities are put in little cages and forced to produce entertainment, kind of like factory-farm chickens. Tom Bergeron is the host, Whoopi Goldberg is the diva, today's contestants are named Cynthia and Letitia, and this week's celebrities include Gilbert Gottfried, Seth Peterson, Brad Garrett and Tangi Miller. There, that's you all caught up.
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Tom
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In the popular children's story "The Three Little Pigs," Gilbert, when the wolf said, "Let me in," what did the pigs reply?
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Gilbert
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Not until the third date!
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[ Piggy reacts. Kermit nods. ]
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Kermit
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Yeah, that's been my experience, for sure.
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[ Piggy sizes him up, and growls. ]
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Gilbert
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Not by the hairs of my chinny chin chin...
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Tom
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Letitia -- you won the first game, you kick off this one.
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Letitia
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Miss Piggy and Kermit!
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Tom
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Miss Piggy and Kermit -- the Muppets are celebrating their 25th anniversary.
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Kermit
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Yes! Thank you.
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Piggy
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Yes!
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Tom
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By the way, Kermit, welcome back, and Miss Piggy, a distinct pleasure to have you here as well.
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Piggy
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Oh, thank you, Thomas. I just want to thank Whoopi for inviting me. Since moi couldn't make that little Hollywood shindig she hosted in March, she's letting me pick up my award here tonight.
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Kermit
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Uh... uh...
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Piggy
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Hey, Whoopi! Where is Mister Short, Gold and Handsome, anyway? Hand 'im over!
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Whoopi
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He's in my room, girl.
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Piggy
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In your room?
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Whoopi
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Uh huh.
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Piggy
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I'll be right back.
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Whoopi
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You know what we talked about.
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Kermit
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Hey, Piggy, wait, wait, wait. We have to play the game first. You can do that later.
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Piggy
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(sigh) Awright, awright, awright.
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Kermit
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Sorry, Tom.
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Tom
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Man, she can turn on a dime, can't she?
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Kermit
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Ohhh, yes.
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Tom
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A recent poll found that 66% of women resorted to turning to this dirty trick when having a spat with their man. What?
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Kermit
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Hmmm.
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Piggy
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Oh, that's simple. This.
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Kermit
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What?
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Piggy
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Hiiiiii-yaaaaa! [ She karate-chops Kermit, who screams and falls out of sight. ]
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Whoopi
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Piggy!
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Piggy
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Yes. Yes. No, actually, actually, um... c'mon... [ She looks over, Kermit's still out of sight. ] Kermie? Where -- where did you go?
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Whoopi
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Piggy...
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Kermit
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[ calls from off-screen ] I fell over the rail!
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Piggy
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Um... We need a stagehand over here! Anyway, no, no, actually, it's crying. Crying.
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Letitia
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I agree!
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Tom
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No, asking for a divorce! X gets that square. Could we get the paramedics in to check on Kermit, please? Meanwhile, consider this -- vocalist Celine Dion claims that her baby cries every time he hears this. What? Is he all right?...
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Tom
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Cynthia, I believe it's your chance to tie it up here.
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Cynthia
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Yes, it is. Seth Peterson for the win, please!
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Tom
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All right, for a tie game... UN Secretary General Kofi Annan recently made an appearance on this long-running TV show to teach a lesson in conflict resolution. What's the show?
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Seth
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The Sopranos. "Resolve your conflict, right now!" No, actually, it's a very renowned show, it's been around forever. Crossfire.
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Cynthia
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I'll agree.
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Tom
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Kermit, do you want to tell him what show he appeared on?
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Kermit
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I have a sneaking feeling it just might have been Sesame Street.
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Tom
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It was Sesame Street, yes, that's right.
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Piggy
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Oh, the puppet show?
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Tom
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Circle gets the block there...
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[ At the end, during the credits: ]
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Brad
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You'll have to talk slowly, I'm a little overcome by the smell of pork.
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Kermit
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Oooohhhhh...
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Piggy
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Watch it, Garrett!
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Brad
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No, it's not Miss Piggy... Tangi had the carnitas.
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Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday
Tuesday, May 14
Today's contestants are named, believe it or not, Dwayne and Kimy. At the start of the show, Nancy Kerrigan posed the eternal question: "One of our stars got their start as a ballroom dancing extra on a TV variety series before rocketing to stardom. Which star is it?" By the way, today Miss Piggy is dressed like a Snowth. I'm not sure why.
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Tom
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Who among our stars began their career as a ballroom dancing extra? Miss Piggy, on The Muppet Show!
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Piggy
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Yes! Yes!
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Kermit
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That's right!
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Piggy
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Yes, it's true.
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Tom
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Miss Piggy, could you give us a few of those moves now?
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Piggy
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Mmm. [ She sort of sways back and forth. ] La la la la, la la la la...
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Tom
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Very nice! You can see why that led to superstardom...
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Dwayne
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Miss Piggy and Kermit for the block!
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Tom
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Miss Piggy and Kermit! Find out about the huge East Coast Muppetfest by checking out muppetfest.com!
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Kermit
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That's true!
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Piggy
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Mm hmm.
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Tom
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Yes. Good to have you both here.
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Kermit
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Thank you.
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Piggy
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Thank you, Thomas.
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Tom
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Before they came up with the name that stuck, this group of funny people thought of calling themselves The Toad Elevating Moment. Who are they?
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Kermit
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Uh, the Osbournes.
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Piggy
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Oh! Isn't my frog so current! Ha ha.
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Kermit
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Uh, yes. What do you think the real answer is, Piggy?
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Piggy
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Um. Let's see, uh -- Kids in the Hall!
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Tom
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Kids in the Hall?
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Dwayne
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I disagree!
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Tom
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Monty Python! X gets the block there...
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Kimy
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Miss Piggy and Kermit...
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Tom
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Miss Piggy and Kermit! The lovely couple. Kermit, this one's for you -- The Oregonian reports a pair of these creatures can produce one trillion offspring in just one summer. What creatures?
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Kermit
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Ah. The Osmonds. They're just -- all over the place. Ya know?
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Piggy
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Remember what I said about him being current? [ She rolls her eyes. ] I take it back.
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Kermit
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Can Piggy whisper to me? [ She leans over and whispers to him. ] Uh. We think it's probably trout.
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Tom
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Trout!
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Kimy
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I'll disagree.
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Tom
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Houseflies is what it is. Circle gets that one...
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By the way, you may have noticed that I just said that Miss Piggy rolls her eyes. Now, I know she's a puppet, and that her eyes don't actually move. But I'm telling you, she actually rolled her eyes. Eric Jacobson is very, very good. Where they got the ballroom dancing thing I just don't know.
Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday
Wednesday, May 15
In today's episode, Miss Piggy has migrated to center stage, as she tends to do. She's abandoned Kermit in the corner square, and moved in to center square with Whoopi Goldberg. Today's contestants are Mark and Pat...
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Mark
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Whoopi Goldberg and Miss Piggy, please...
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Tom
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All right, Whoopi and Miss Piggy!
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Piggy
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[ looking around Whoopi's square ] Oh my gosh, I can't believe all the extras you've got in here. Is that a DVD player?
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Whoopi
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Do you want a Coke?
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Piggy
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What? A Coke? Yeah, yeah, sure.
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Whoopi
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... Or do you want, like, a Samuel Adams?
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Piggy
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What is that, a jacuzzi?
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Whoopi
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Yeah!
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Piggy
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Oh, my gosh. Where do you keep the Oscars?
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Whoopi
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I've got 'em in my room, I told you that. Now, let's answer the boy's question.
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Piggy
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Oh, okay. Yes. Ah ha ha ha.
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Whoopi
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Ha ha ha. [ Whoopi rolls her eyes. ]
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Tom
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Here we go, Piggy, Whoopi. True or False: The Queen of England only gets to vote in general elections.
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Whoopi
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What do you think, is it true or false? I think it's false.
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Piggy
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You think it's false?
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Whoopi
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Yeah, I do.
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Piggy
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I'll go with you.
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Whoopi
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Okay. You tell him.
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Piggy
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Um... false.
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Tom
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False?
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Mark
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I'm going to agree with them.
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Tom
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False is true, yes, that's right! The royal family doesn't get to vote at all! X gets the square...
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Mark
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Could I have Kermit the Frog, please?
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Kermit
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You certainly can! Thank you much!
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Tom
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Kermit the Frog... The Muppets, by the way, celebrating the 25th anniversary...
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Kermit
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-- of The Muppet Show.
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Tom
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Of The Muppet Show.
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Kermit
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I'm much older.
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Tom
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Are you now?
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Kermit
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Yes, I am.
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Tom
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Oh, very good. You're holding it well, Kermit.
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Kermit
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Thank you. Good clean swamp living.
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Tom
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It is after they reach 120 pounds that you can officially call a pig a what?
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Kermit
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A diva.
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Piggy
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[ calling from center square: ] Watch it, frog! You're lucky you're up there!
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Kermit
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No, actually, I think the answer to that question about the 120 pound thing is a sow. Sorry, Piggy.
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Tom
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A sow.
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Mark
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No, I disagree.
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Tom
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A hog!
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Kermit
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Yes...
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Mark
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Could I have Whoopi and Miss Piggy for the block, please?
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Tom
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Whoopi and Miss Piggy, yes indeed... Miss Manners says there's only one time when a lady shouldn't wear pearls. It's when she's wearing -- what?
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Whoopi
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Frog legs! Sorry, sorry.
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Kermit
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That's disgusting!
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Whoopi
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Sorry. I think this is actually a question for you.
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Piggy
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Yes, yes, I think so. I'd say -- diamonds. Yes. Miss Manners says vous should never wear pearls with diamonds.
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Tom
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With diamonds...
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Mark
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No, I disagree.
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Tom
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With a bathing suit. X gets the block there...
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Mark
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I'll start with Whoopi and Miss Piggy, please...
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Tom
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All right, Whoopi and Miss Piggy... Every year, 9.8 million dogs have something special done for them. What is it?
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Piggy
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Oh, I know this one. I know this one.
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Whoopi
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You do? Tell him, then.
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Piggy
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Yes, yes. I take Foo Foo to the mall all the time, every Christmas, to get a photograph taken of them.
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Tom
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To get a photograph taken of them?
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Mark
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I'll disagree.
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Tom
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No, their owners throw them a birthday party. X gets that one.
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Whoopi
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WHAT?
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Piggy
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Oh, I do that too...
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Mark
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Let's start with Whoopi and Miss Piggy again!
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Tom
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Miss Piggy, what are you eating if you've just ordered a pig between the sheets?
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Piggy
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Sounds to me like you're ordering up a very good time!
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Kermit
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[ makes a face: ] Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
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Piggy
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All right, all right. No, it's a French dish called pomme frites!
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Mark
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I disagree.
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Tom
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Ham on white bread is what it is. [ Piggy stares at Whoopi in disbelief. ] X gets the square...
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Mark
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Let's start with Kermit the Frog, please.
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Tom
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All right, Kermit!
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Kermit
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Mark, my man! Yes, Mark! Yes, sir.
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Tom
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Kermit, like his cousin the worm, this creature has 32 brains. What is he?
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Kermit
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Uh, Ben Stein. I think. No, he has 33 brains. How about, how about -- uh, it's related to the worm, it must be a snake.
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Tom
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A snake.
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Mark
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I agree.
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Tom
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A leech, actually. Circle gets that one.
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Kermit
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Yeah. Oh, well.
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Tom
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Pat?
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Pat
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Whoopi and Miss Piggy, please!
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Tom
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All right, Whoopi and Miss Piggy... The Chicken Ranch is a very famous brothel in Texas. It earned its nickname during the Great Depression, when the owners let the customers do what?
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Whoopi
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Well, let's just say that there were some very surprised chickens!
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Piggy
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[ Piggy is shocked. ] Kermit, I'm moving back up there with you!
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Kermit
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I kept your seat warm!
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Whoopi
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Now, here's the kicker, is that they used to pay for these women with chickens. That was the currency.
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Pat
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I agree.
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Tom
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Yeah, it was during the Great Depression. They paid with chickens. That's right. Circle gets that one...
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The closing credits features a series of four Kermit-Piggy clips promoting the next episode...
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Kermit
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Watch us ham it up!
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Piggy
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WHAT?
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Kermit
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That's just a figure of speech. On the Hollywood Squares Tournament of Champions!
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Piggy
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Figure of speech?
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Kermit
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You'll be green with envy!
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Piggy
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If you miss the next Hollywood Squares!
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Kermit
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Very nice.
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Piggy
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Thank you.
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Piggy
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I was told moi would have her own square. This is an insult!
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Kermit
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Piggy...
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Piggy
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No offense, dear.
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Kermit
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Sheesh.
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[ Piggy has her arm around Kermit. ]
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Kermit
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Don't miss the next...
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Piggy
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Hollywood Squares!
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Kermit
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Err. Not so tight.
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[ She tightens her grip and puts him in a headlock. ]
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Now, what we learned from this last episode is that contestant Mark is obviously a Muppet fan. We know that because he consistently chose Muppets all the time, and then almost always disagreed with them. Just like I do! He must read Tough Pigs.
Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday
Thursday, May 16
Miss Piggy goes back to Kermit's square for this episode, and just in time...
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Tom
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What ill-tempered Wild West figure had a mistress named "Big-Nose Kate"?
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Whoopi
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"Giant-Tongue Bob"...
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[ The next question goes to Kermit and Piggy... ]
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Piggy
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You should see Kermit's tongue!
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Kermit
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[ embarrassed ] I'm not opening my mouth...
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Tom
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I don't think we want to go there, Piggy...
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Kermit
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No, we don't wanna go there!
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Tom
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I don't know if we wanna go here, either. Please excuse me, Miss Piggy, but I didn't write this: Because the tastiest parts of the pig are supposed to be the upper parts, people enjoying the good life are said to be living how?
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Piggy
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[ Piggy turns her back to the audience, humming "I can't hear you" sounds ]
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Kermit
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I would say dangerously, I think!
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Piggy
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[ sweetly ] But, Kermie, if vous would like to nibble my ear, that's fine with me...
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Kermit
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Uh... maybe some other time, thank you!
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Piggy
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He's so modest.
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Kermit
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I think the answer is "living off the fat of the land." [ to Piggy: ] Nothing personal!
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Piggy
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[ icily ] None taken...
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Tom
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If you were on a diet, the book Colors For Your Every Mood suggests avoiding napkins and tablecloths that are what color?
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Piggy
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CHOCOLATE! If it's chocolate-colored, you just scarf 'em right down!
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Kermit
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I guess you know that, huh? I think the actual...
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[ The audience starts to boo Kermit ]
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Whoopi
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[ gasp ] Oh, Kermie!
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Kermit
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What? What?
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Piggy
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Listen to THAT! Listen to THAT! Yes! YES! They're on my side, see?
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Kermit
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I don't know if that was about chocolate or diets!
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[ The booing continues... ]
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Kermit
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Okay, I take it back... I think the actual color is red cause that makes you want to eat a lot of stuff.
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[ The answer turns out to be pink. ]
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Kermit
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I was close! I was so close!
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Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday
Friday, May 17
Today is the big exciting showdown between the week's top scorers, Mark and Guy. Okay, maybe it's not that exciting. Still, it's got Miss Piggy in it.
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Tom
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Which of our squares had a Top 40 hit in 1979 with the tune "The Rainbow Connection"? From The Muppet Movie, Kermit the Frog!
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Kermit
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Yes! That's true! Aw, thanks!
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Piggy
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Yes... You were so good with that song, too!
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Guy
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Miss Piggy and Kermit, please.
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Tom
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All right, Miss Piggy and Kermit...
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Kermit
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Thank you thank you thank you!
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Piggy
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Kissy kissy!
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Tom
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Find out about the East Coast Muppetfest by checking out muppetfest.com!
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Kermit
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That's right, Muppetfest. Where all our fans show up, and, and, and... accost us. But we love it.
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Piggy
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Yes, we do.
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Tom
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Miss Piggy, this is for you... On the show Green Acres, Eva Gabor grew to hate Arnold the Pig because he got more of this than she did. More of what?
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Piggy
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Oh, well, moi was dear, dear friends with both Eva and Arnold, and that whole spat was just a rumor. Mm hmm. Yes, they were very close. In fact, I think Arnold almost married Zsa Zsa a couple of times. [ Piggy kind of muffs the line and only gets a few chuckles. ] Yes. But it is true that Arnold did get more laughs...
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Kermit
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Laughs.
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Piggy
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... than, uh, than Eva, or... moi. Um. Yes.
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Tom
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More laughs!
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Guy
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I disagree.
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Tom
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More fan mail than Eva got. Circle gets the square...
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[ In the next game, Kermit and Miss Piggy are the "secret square," which wins contestant Mark some pianos... ]
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Mark
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Can I have Miss Piggy and Kermit, please.
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Tom
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Miss Piggy... oh! Secret square!
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[ Lights flash and an alarm sound. Piggy screams. ]
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Piggy
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OH! Heart attack... uch...
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Kermit
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Hey, Mark, those pianos are great. Those pianos are terrific. We're gonna work hard for ya.
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Tom
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Can you actually play?
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Kermit
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No. But they're great.
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Tom
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One of the longest running television programs celebrated its 50th anniversary in 2002. Is it Meet the Press, The Today Show, or The Price is Right?
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Kermit
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Ooh! I've been on this show a few times -- 2002?
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Tom
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Mm hmm.
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Kermit
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That would be The Today Show.
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Mark
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I agree.
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Tom
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It would be The Today Show...
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Kermit
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Yes, it would!
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Tom
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That's right! X gets the square...
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Mark
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Whoopi Goldberg, please!
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Tom
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All right, Whoopster. Here we go. A recent report that the Canadian prime minister was retiring to breed exotic cows sent the country's dollar plummeting before what was realized?
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Whoopi
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That there's no such thing as an exotic cow. All cows are created alike. Like pigs and frogs.
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Kermit
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Yes, ma'am. We're all equal. Some of us are more equal --
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Piggy
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Well, some of us are more equal than others.
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Kermit
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That was my line. I was gonna say that. [ He chuckles. ] We're just walking all over each other, up here in the barnyard... Sorry.
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Piggy
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[ Piggy curls her lip. ] Barnyard?
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Whoopi
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I think it was a joke. I think before they realized, like, it was a joke.
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Mark
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I agree.
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Tom
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It was. It was an April Fool's Day joke, as a matter of fact. Yes. X gets it. Guy...
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Guy
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Miss Piggy and Kermit, please.
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Tom
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Miss Piggy and Kermit! Look for the new direct to video Kermit's Swamp Years, out this fall. All right, you two. A Hollywood legend warned if you can't control your cleavage, your perfume, your walk and your eyelashes, you'd better stay out of the business. Who said that?
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Piggy
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RuPaul. No, really, really...
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Kermit
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I think it was J. Edgar Hoover, wasn't it? No, I don't...
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Piggy
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No... It was a fellow sex goddess, like myself -- Marilyn Monroe!
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Tom
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Marilyn Monroe...
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Guy
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I disagree.
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Tom
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Joan Crawford said that. Circle gets it...
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After that, nothing much really happens, except Muppet Fan Mark wins the whole shebang. Score one for Muppet Fans, and score one for Steve and Eric for doing such a fab job this week!
Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday
Thanks to
Chris Smigliano
for the Thurs transcript
Scott Huhn,
aka Dr. Goshposh
for the cool screenshots!