Tough Pigs News Extra

November 15, 2002

News Extra Contents

 

The Late Late Frog

Kermit's appearance on 

The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn

Wednesday, Nov 14, 2002 -- CBS

 

   Here's a transcript of Kermit's appearance on The Late Late Show... sorry I'm a few days late on posting this, but listening to Craig Kilborn speak even once is bad enough. Listening to him over and over again and writing down everything he says is quite a job for a sensitive flower like myself. Craig, as you'll notice here, is not a man who is overly burdened with talent. He's not a very good interviewer, he's not particularly scrupulous with the facts, and occasionally, he just loses track of his tongue completely and says precisely the wrong word. Kermit, on the other hand, is a class act all the way.

 

 

Craig

 

All right... my first guest is getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame tomorrow, in honor of his 45 year career in television, movies and music... he stars in The Muppet Show, which is in its 25th year [see what I mean?], and is shown in over one hundred countries. His new television movie, It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie, airs November 29th on NBC.

 

[ Clip of David Arquette reviving Kermit. ]

 

Craig

 

This is Kermit the Frog!

 

[ The audience goes completely spare. Kermit enters, shakes Craig's hand, and perches on the couch. ]

 

Kermit

 

Wow! Do you have audiences like this every night?

 

Craig

 

Every night, although they're extra excited because of you, Kermit.

 

Kermit

 

Wow. You don't pay them? That's amazing!

 

Craig

 

I don't wanna bite you [I have no idea what he was trying to say here]... but can I shake your hand?

 

Kermit

 

Absolutely. Of course. I have to shake this hand, though.

 

Craig

 

That's okay.

 

Kermit

 

It's just one of those things.

 

Craig

 

I got it. I'm sure there are a lot of those things, which we'll learn about.

 

Kermit

 

Oh, yes. Oh, you can believe.

 

Craig

 

Uhh... tomorrow is a big day, your star on the Walk of Fame. What's going through your head right now?

 

Kermit

 

What's going through my head right now is that I'm going to be standing next to a very busy street, and I'm only a frog. That can be tough.

 

Craig

 

So, you panic sometimes. 

 

Kermit

 

I do. I do.

 

Craig

 

How many times, honestly, have you been run over by a car?

 

Kermit

 

Well, I've been run over many times, I just got between the tires.

 

Craig

 

Oh! Oh, you're very nubile... [He means "nimble."]

 

Kermit

 

That's kind of a sport with us. 

 

Craig

 

Yeah, yeah.

 

Kermit

 

Truck dodging. It's kinda one of those Jackass things. (applause)

 

Craig

 

You're up on the culture.

 

Kermit

 

Well, not really, I just got lucky. 

 

Craig

 

Yeah. Cause you don't see all those R rated movies, do you?

 

Kermit

 

No, no. I mean, like, I have to... I'm still on Sesame Street, you know. 

 

Craig

 

Yeah. Have you -- I don't know if I buy this nice guy act. Have you ever cursed in your life?

 

Kermit

 

Well, I mean, you know, I'm like Jimmy Carter, I've lusted in my heart.

 

Craig

 

Yeah, yeah. What do you say when you're not doing the show or the movies, and you're, y'know, around the house, and you're watching a bowl game, and somebody does something wrong, what do you say?

 

Kermit

 

Well, I probably say something like, oh darn! Or, fiddlesticks! Or, fiddle dee dee! Or, you know what, I really do watch it, I mean, I have a reputation to take care of. I don't want kids to learn that from me. They can watch you. (applause)

 

 

 

 

Craig

 

Good... you've worked with a lot of celebs over the years...

 

Kermit

 

That's true.

 

Craig

 

I understand you met the Queen recently?

 

Kermit

 

I did. And I mean the Queen of England.

 

Craig

 

Yes...

 

Kermit

 

It wasn't, like, some nightclub thing. 

 

Craig

 

Not in West Hollywood. This was over in London. 

 

Kermit

 

This was across the big pond. Yes. Not the frog pond.

 

Craig

 

How exciting was it when you met her?

 

Kermit

 

It's pretty amazing, I mean, she's... she's this wonderful little lady, you know? She's not much bigger than me, and she walks out on stage, and her eyes just brightened up, and she reached out and touched me, and said something... I have no idea what it was...

 

Craig

 

Yeah. It's hard to understand her. And didn't you meet Ozzy Osbourne over there?

 

Kermit

 

I did. And that was... is that what I think it is?

 

Craig

 

That's the picture... (applause)

 

 

 

 

Kermit

 

Yeah... if you notice, up in the top corner there, you can't really see it, but it says "certs"? Some people thought that meant "concerts," but that was actually what I was hoping was in his mouth. Cause it was pretty bad. No, no, Ozzy's a terrific guy. He had some nice things to say about me, none of which I understood also. He's a lot like the Queen.

 

Craig

 

You can understand me, right?

 

Kermit

 

Uh... excuse me?

 

Craig

 

Yeah...

 

Kermit

 

Ha ha...

 

Craig

 

Are you going to sing Rainbow Connection? I love that song.

 

Kermit

 

Well, I could -- sure.

 

Craig

 

Just a few bars, a little somethin' somethin'... (applause)

 

Kermit

 

This song was written by a buddy of mine, who wears the same size I do, Mr Paul Williams. 

 

Craig

 

Paul Williams...

 

Kermit

 

I don't think I have accompaniment here, I didn't bring my banjo, but here goes. (singing:) Why are there so many songs about rainbows, and what's on the other side... It's a long song, I'm going to skip to the end. Someday we'll find it -- everybody! -- the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers, and me...

 

Craig

 

Aww, that's nice... (applause)

 

Kermit

 

Yep.

 

  

 

 

Craig

 

I know, Kermit, that your private life is fairly private... you've been linked over the years with Miss Piggy... 

 

Kermit

 

Yeah...

 

Craig

 

Anything you want to say about that? 

 

Kermit

 

Interesting you use the word link... (applause) Well, all I can say is this... y'know, there was a time when there might have been a little spark, you know, I mean, we dated... (whoop from audience) We did, no, we really did... 

 

Craig

 

Where would you take her on a date? What kind of thing would you guys do?

 

Kermit

 

Well, no place that served barbecue, believe me. No, she's a wonderful lady, I like working with her, but that's all over. And she -- ask her, she's going to tell you different, but... trust the frog, folks!

 

Craig

 

Well, I have a picture here, and I don't understand what... this is Kylie Minogue... [ shows a photo of Kylie kissing Kermit on the lips ]

 

Kermit

 

Oh, yeah! (applause) Oh... makes me all warm and fuzzy. I think I may have just wet your leather here. Sorry. Kind of embarrassing. No, Kylie, now, there's a lady. I sang with her at this show she did in London, and she is beautiful... I mean, she's really beautiful! She's about my size... 

 

Craig

 

Could you understand her, at least?

 

Kermit

 

Oh, yes. Ohhh, yes.

 

Craig

 

What about this movie that's coming up, It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie, which is a short title for a lot of us to say...

 

Kermit

 

Yes, yes, I understand...

 

Craig

 

Snoop Dogg was going to be in it...

 

Kermit

 

Right...

 

Craig

 

And you guys didn't get along, or... I don't want to start a rumor here, but he's gone, he's out of the movie. 

 

Kermit

 

Well, I think that kinda what happened was, that, uh, Snoop came along to do our movie at about the time that he was, like, quitting drugs?

 

Craig

 

Yeah...

 

Kermit

 

Unfortunately, he was starting porn.

 

Craig

 

Oh, okay.

 

Kermit

 

Yeah... it's really nothing personal, because, porn's fine, you know, but it's not what we do in a Muppet movie, and...

 

Craig

 

Right...

 

Kermit

 

And he's a really, he's a very nice guy, I mean, I really liked him, we had a lot in common -- Frog, Dogg, you know...

 

Craig

 

He is a great guy. He's a friend of ours.

 

Kermit

 

And it's no dis, homey. If you're watching. It's no dis.

 

Craig

 

You actually said, "Porn is fine," is that... you're just open minded, it's not your cup of tea, but you don't want to offend our audience?

 

Kermit

 

It's not my cup of tea. I don't want to offend anybody, because I'm on a late night show, and by golly, I want to do the right thing. You know?

 

Craig

 

Yeah, yeah. I like the fact that you've worked, how many -- what, 45 years?

 

Kermit

 

45 years, that's right. I've been around 45 years. That's true.

 

Craig

 

And you've always done the clean stuff.

 

Kermit

 

Well, I've tried. I've tried. You know. I try not to be, you know, nasty and dirty, although I am a frog. You know.

 

Craig

 

And you also... why do you keep working, because I'm sure you've made so much mney over the years, that you could retire after 45 years.

 

Kermit

 

You know, it's a funny thing. Us Muppets don't really work for money. I know you find that hard to believe. But we sort of work for the perks. You know, like Muppet toys, and merchandise... 

 

Craig

 

Freebies...

 

Kermit

 

Yeah. And food! We work for food.

 

Craig

 

And meeting Kylie Minogue.

 

Kermit

 

And there's nothin' wrong with that. There's nothin' wrong with that.

 

Craig

 

Kermit... will you play Five Questions with us when we come back?

 

Kermit

 

I certainly will!

 

Craig

 

Five Questions with Kermit the Frog!

 

  

 

 

[ As they come back from commercial, Craig is leaning over to Kermit and laughing. ]

 

Craig

 

That is funny. That's a fairly dirty story...

 

Kermit

 

Well, listen...

 

Craig

 

We are back with Kermit the Frog, ladies and gentlemen, and... are you dont with this, buddy? [ He picks up a glass of bourbon. ]

 

Kermit

 

What?

 

Craig

 

Are you done with this?

 

Kermit

 

I... I don't think that's mine, I... what is it? Could I sniff?

 

Craig

 

A little sniffy sniff? [ There it is, right there... that's the moment where Craig becomes completely unwatchable. ]

 

 

 

[ Kermit takes a sniff from the glass and wilts. ]

 

Kermit

 

Oh, boy. Wow.

 

Craig

 

Yeah. Pretty powerful. And you are now ready... to play Five Questions.

 

Kermit

 

Well, I'll try.

 

Craig

 

Geography: I'm thinking of a restaurant that specializes in pancakes, it is often abbreviated with its initials. What is it?

 

Kermit

 

Ah. I-HOP! (Ding!)

 

Craig

 

Yeah, there you go. Bert and Ernie... convenient living situation, or life partners?

 

Kermit

 

Uhhh... well, both, but not in the sense you think. So. 

 

Craig

 

Oh! 

 

Kermit

 

Yeah. But not like you're thinking. 

 

Craig

 

Okay, we'll accept that. (Ding!)

 

Kermit

 

But it is convenient. Yes.

 

Craig

 

On the back of this card, I've written the name of a type of seed... what is it?

 

Kermit

 

I bet that would be a Sesame Seed!

 

Craig

 

That is correct. (Ding!) 

 

Kermit

 

Yes! All right. Wow. I think I'm starting to sweat.

 

Craig

 

I thought the drink would throw you off. I guess not. This is kind of exciting... can you do an impression of Clint Eastwood?

 

Kermit

 

Oh, uh, ahem... let me see... [He does a very good Eastwood impression:] I know what you're thinking... did he fire all six shots, or only five? Here's the real question -- do you feel lucky, punk? Huh? Do ya?

 

Craig

 

There you go! (Ding!) What has he got, he's got four out of four, right? Finally... you dated Miss Piggy at one point, right?

 

Kermit

 

True, true...

 

Craig

 

Okay... what is the highest rated show in the history of E Television?

 

Kermit

 

Oooh! Oh no! I -- oh -- uh -- arrrh! I don't know!

 

Craig

 

You dated Miss Piggy... the answer is The Anna Nicole Show!

 

Kermit

 

Oh, yes, yes, yes... oh well.

 

Craig

 

Four out of five is very good.

 

Kermit

 

Is that really true about Anna Nicole?

 

Craig

 

Yeah...

 

Kermit

 

Son of a gun.

 

Craig

 

Kinda sad, isn't it?

 

Kermit

 

I don't, I, well, yeah...

 

Craig

 

November 29th on NBC -- It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie, sans Snoop Dogg. Nice meeting you, buddy. Proud of you.

 

Kermit

 

It's really been wonderful to see you, thank you!

 

Craig

 

Kermit the Frog, ladies and gentlemen!

 

  

   Later on in the show, Kermit appeared on a lame game-show segment called "Yambo," but it was entirely pointless and unfunny, so I'm not going to bother. Not even for the Frog. You can't make me, you can't make me.

 

 

Danny@ToughPigs.com

 

 

Thanks to

Kermitage.com

for Queen's Jubilee photos! 

 

News Extra Contents

Merry, Merry Muppets

A Merry Muppet Christmas Movie

Snoop Dogg Cut from Christmas Movie