Giant Frogs!, Part One

Published: May 1, 2002

Part One: The Picture Phone

	[ The show opens with a bare stage. There isn’t even a backdrop — just the brick “back wall” of the theater, with some ladders, light switches, and a door marked EXIT. Kermit enters, humming to himself and idly flicking on some lights. He suddenly catches sight of the audience. ]
Kermit	Dum dum de dum de dum dum… (gasp!) Oh my gosh! It’s time for the show! Oh, where is everybody? Uh. Ahem. Hi there! I’m Kermit the Frog, and we’re, uh… well, we’re almost ready. Well. [ He calls off stage. ] Fozzie? Gonzo? Piggy?
	[ The Picture Phone wheels onstage — a giant TV screen with a phone attached. The phone rings, and when Kermit answers it, Mickey Mouse appears on the Picture Phone’s screen, sitting at his desk in his office. ]
Kermit	Hello?
Mickey	Kermit? Hiya, Kermit! It’s Mickey!
Kermit	Mickey?
Mickey	I’m calling on the Picture Phone to see how the show’s going.
Kermit	Uh… It’s going, uh, great! Just great!
Mickey	How does the audience like it?
Kermit	They — they love it! Just listen to this applause! [ He holds out the phone and motions for applause. ]
Mickey	Sounds swell! I can’t wait to see it.
Kermit	Me too…
Mickey	What’d ya say?
Kermit	Uh, nothing, Mickey — listen, I’ve gotta run! Uh… bye now!
Mickey	So long!
	[ Kermit hangs up, and Mickey disappears. ]
Kermit	Oh. This is terrible. I can’t do this show alone. I know — the gang can’t be far. I’ll call ’em.
	[ He picks up the Picture Phone receiver. Lily Tomlin appears, as Ernestine the operator. ]
Lily	A gracious hello. This is your Walt Disney World Picture Phone operator. How may I be of assistance?
Kermit	Uh. Well, you see…
Lily	Maybe you’d like a reservation at the Chefs Du France restaurant. They have a special on… frog’s legs. [ She chortles. ]
Kermit	Look, you don’t understand.
Lily	Sir, we at the phone company are trained to be understanding.
Kermit	Oh, good. Well, I’m trying to reach Miss Piggy.
Lily	Would that call be person to person?
Kermit	No, it’s more like frog to pig.
Lily	Frog to pig. To each his own. I’ll connect you.
	[ Lily disappears, and we see Miss Piggy lounging in her bathrobe, talking into a phone. Her hair is up in a hairnet, her face is covered in beauty mud, and she and Foo Foo are chowing down on a box of chocolates. “I Feel Pretty” is playing in the background. This film insert is the real Piggy puppet, by the way. ]
Piggy	Bonjour!
Kermit	Piggy? It’s me, Kermit!
Piggy	Kermie, cherie, how are vous?
Kermit	Terrible! The show’s started! Where are you?
Piggy	Oh, Kermie, I am so sorry. But right now, I’m in an important business meeting with, uh, some of the Disney executives. You know — show biz?
Kermit	Piggy, this is a Picture Phone! We can see you!
	[ Piggy looks directly at the camera. She screams and throws something over the camera. ]
Piggy	AAAAAAAHHHH! I’ll be right there!
	[ The call disconnects. ]
Kermit	Great. Okay, that’s one down.
	[ He picks up the phone again, and Lily appears. ]
Lily	A gracious good aft — oh, it’s you again.
Kermit	Uh… listen, could you please connect me to Fozzie Bear?
Lily	Oh, my my my. Aren’t we in a rush! Proper phone connections take time.
Kermit	I’m sorry.
Lily	You don’t know what sorry is.
	[ Lily disappears, and we see a film insert of Fozzie, standing at a pay phone. ]
Fozzie	Hello?
Kermit	Fozzie! Where are you?
Fozzie	Kermit! Oh, Kermit! I don’t know where I am. I’m sorry, but I cannot make it to the show, because I am completely, and totally, and utterly, LOST!
Kermit	Well… Fozzie? See that green door behind you?
Fozzie	Yes.
Kermit	Go through it.
Fozzie	Okay… I’m going through it…
	[ The Picture Phone hangs up as Fozzie goes through the door… and we see the big costume version of Fozzie enter through the door onstage. He runs up to Kermit. ]
Fozzie	Oh, no, Kermit! You’re lost too!
Kermit	Fozzie, this is the stage! Look!
Fozzie	Ohhhh… I knew that! Aaaaaah! Hiya hiya! Thank you, thank you, and thank you!
Kermit	Oh, good. Now, where’s everybody else?