Tough Pigs Glossary
by Ryan Roe
Behold the Tough Pigs Glossary. More than fifty entries, some of which are actually followed by definitions. For those who are confused by an unfamiliar word or phrase found in a post on the Tough Pigs forum, it may help to clear things up. It may also serve to confuse them more. For those who already know all the terms herein, it may produce a merry smile of recognition, or perhaps a disgusted shudder of recognition. Either way, do not operate heavy machinery while using the glossary.
Admonishment Enthusiasts
Led by the Evil Ruler Clutching Grammarian Lady, they delight in correcting people and pointing out their flaws. I guess it makes them feel better about themselves. They hang out in the Admonishments and Commendations thread (6376), where they toss out the occasional compliment as well.
Anthony’s Enchanted Journey
Anthony, who came to the forum in the summer of 2003, read every single old post ever made on Tough Pigs since its creation in November 2001. Why did he do it? For the answer to that question, you’ll have to buy his upcoming book, or see the upcoming movie starring Vin Diesel as Anthony. In the fall of 2004, Mark went on an Enchanted Journey of his own. With approximately 58 zillion new posts on the forum every day, the next person to attempt this will really have their work cut out for them.
Arthur, Bea
A talented entertainer, without question. Star of the much-loved sitcom The Golden Girls. But more importantly, a perennial punchline. When in doubt, use a Bea Arthur joke.
beep
A gesture of affection. I beep you, you beep me, he beeps her, she beeps all of us. It’s a beepin’ good time for everyone.
Bee’s Knees, the
A title given to Kynan by Michal. See also FLT.
Betty Lou
A Sesame Street character… or is she? She’s had different performers over the years, and has gone for years at a time without being seen on the show, so her existence is in question. It was first suggested that she may not exist in a Muppet Book Club discussion in 2190.50, and a lively debate followed.
cartoon about an elephant, a
Something to do with the letter E, and the polterton make a biggest hole, and the woman said EEEE! Details are sketchy. The origin lies in a post from Muppet Central that was widely made fun of… First mentioned on the forum in 2512.5.
Chewy bars
Quaker’s Chewy granola bars come in a variety of flavors. Some time ago, Michal began virtually distributing them on the forum as a sort of prize for posts that amuse her. It’s an honor to be on the receiving end of a Chewy. Other forum members have taken to issuing them as well, sometimes even giving away more than one Chewy bar at once for especially entertaining posts. Danny finds the whole Chewy bar thing pretty annoying.
clubs
Barely organized subgroups abound on the TP forum. Clubs have included Women of Roe, Wicked Women After 9:00pm, the D’Boyz, the My Name is Emmy Club, the Cool Kids Club, the Super Slurpee Fun Time Club, the Lonely Hearts Christmastime Birthday Super Fun Tub Club, and of course the Real Names Club. Pretty much anyone can join a club, or start a club. Isn’t that nice? It would be if the clubs actually ever did anything.
D’Boyz, the
A boy band whose members include Danny, Daniel and Dan. Alternate spellings include D-Boyz and D*Boyz. Read their fan club newsletter for hot insider info on the band.
Danny’s glamorous e-mail life
As webmaster of the Tough Pigs site, Danny receives a lot of e-mails from people who don’t really know what they’re talking about. They’ve included a guy who wanted “To be friends with Quinn Rollins” (5679.1), and a lady who got mad at Danny after he publicly posted her request for a Sesame Street sketch starring her daughter’s favorite Muppet characters, “Frank and Northern”. (5640.1)
Delphi forum promos
The Tough Pigs forum is located on the Delphi website, which of course was named after Phila-Delphi-a. Forums on Delphi promote themselves with eye-catching messages that show up around the site. They occasionally provide ferrets. Thread 3907, a place for sharing the oddest and most interesting of these, has turned into, like, the hugest thread ever.
Did they hurt ya, son? Did they hurt ya and make ya mean mad?
“Sometimes they do somethin’ to ya. They hurt ya and ya get mad and then ya get mean. Then they hurt ya again and ya get meaner and meaner til you ain’t no boy nor man anymore, just a walkin’ chunk of mean mad. Did they hurt ya that way, son?” A running gag in the form of a quote from The Grapes of Wrath. First referred to in 2307.
Disney
The entertainment corporation acquired all the rights to the Muppet Show and Bear in the Big Blue House characters in 2004. After years of us fans admonishing people, “No, Disney does not own the Muppets,” it has come to pass. And finally, our dreams have come true, and Miss Piggy can star in new projects alongside Pluto and Kim Possible.
Donald Duck
He’s a bug. At TPfest 2004, Isha drew a picture of Pepe, only it didn’t look much like Pepe. It looked like Donald Duck as a bug. From these humble beginnings came the great “Donald Duck is a bug” craze, which was soon sweeping the nation. There’s a catchy, scatty song that goes with it.
Electric Armadillo Stretcher
Gmail, in a move not at all invasive, gives its users customized ads that pertain to their e-mail conversations. Ryan R remarked that he’d like to stump Gmail by writing e-mails about Electric Armadillo Stretchers. Within days, half the forum had received e-mail offers from Tex Rogers for Electric Armadillo Stretchers. They come in black, gray, olive, and hunter’s orange. As of yet, nobody has ordered one, thought it’d make the perfect gift for your elderly Aunt Cloise. Rumor has it Tex Rogers has some affiliation with forum member Mark.
Floaty McFloaterson
At a TPfest in January 2006, Danny turned a restaurant sugar caddy into the most memorable and beloved character the world has ever seen. Floaty McFloaterson lives in a floaty, floaty world of floatiness. He’s the spirit of floatiness that lives inside every thing… even you.
FLT
An acronym for “Funny Little Thing.” A title given to Michal by Kynan in 2655.23. See also the Bees’ Knees.
Forum Member Cheat Sheet
It may not help you on your next History of Shampoo exam, but the Cheat Sheet is full of useful information on every forum member. Read it and ponder what a person’s choice of favorite Muppet says about their personality.
fpE
Julian, to Cathy; also, Cathy, to Julian. He’s her “favorite person EVER!” and she’s HIS! It’s an acronym, like FLT. Other people use it for each other too. If you need to know what “acronym” means, use some other glossary.
fuckhat
An all-purpose insult. Usage: “That guy doesn’t like A Muppet Family Christmas. What a fuckhat.” Never really used to refer to an actual hat. “Hatfuck” is a corrupted version of the word, as if the word could be any more corrupt. Paper hat is a less harsh substitute. An early usage of the word was in 2951.59, although the original coinage is in dispute: see “The Legend of the Fuckhat” in 3880.
Fur
So there was this kid on Muppet Central, right? And he really, really, really wanted a copy of the Sesame Street song “Fur” from 1975. But it HAD to be from the song’s first appearance in 1975. No other version would suffice, because no other version is good enough. This has turned into a joke that represents the obsessive nature of some Muppet fans. Not the ones at Tough Pigs, though. The other ones.
Grammarian Lady
Full title: The Evil Ruler-Clutching Grammarian Lady. Michal’s alter ago, she lurks in the shadows of the forum, waiting to pounce on the poor soul whose apostrophes are amiss, or who engages in unauthorized participle-dangling. She will thwack you mightily with a ruler, and be it metric or standard, it will be a thwacking you’ll not soon forget. After the Typo Amnesty Program was put in place (6344), the Grammarian Lady found a permanent home in the Admonishments and Commendations thread (6376). She’s happy there. (I seriously hope this entry is free of errors.)
Grant’s Girls
A fan club for girls who like Grant. They have badges, and they all agree that Grant kicks ass. That’s forum member Grant, by the way, not Ulysses S. Grant.
hamburger nipple
One of Quinn’s nipples, mangled in a rock-climbing accident. It resembles hamburger meat.
Herschbaum, Julie
In message 1976, a well-meaning but misguided poster told us all about Johnny Bravo Mamas, a spinoff of the animated series Johnny Bravo directed by Brian Henson. Julie Herschbaum would be featured prominently on the show. The only problem is that the show is completely imaginary. Not only is Julie Herschbaum not a real voice actor, as once though — she’s not even a real person! She was just a character on one episode of Johnny Bravo! It’s crazy! Ha! Herschbaum! Ha ha!
Hester
A conflict-loving, argument-starting, person-insulting character who wreaked havoc on the old rec.arts.henson+muppets newsgroup when she blew in and started working her nasty mojo. The less said about her, the better. In fact, pretend you never read this.
Hill, Jim
An online entertainment “journalist” who writes about Disney and the Muppets, among other things. He’s known for his excitable writing style and the fact that every person he quotes talks a lot like him. For years he wrote columns insisting that Disney was planning on buying the Muppets, and none of us believed him. Then it actually happened. Oh well.
jazz hands
Referring to a dance move, they’re used to express any feeling or concept that can’t easily be put into words. Popularized by David S. Examples include “jazz hands of triumph” and “jazz hands of ill repute.”
Jim Henson’s Muppets
A group of puppet characters, seen in film, television and other media. Occasionally discussed on the Tough Pigs forum.
Jinx Minx Twinz, the
John and Martha. John is Jinx and Martha is Minx. They were first designated as such in chat on November 16, 2003. They don’t wear Spandex, and they’re too sexy to need a catchphrase. Both love correct grammar. First mentioned in the forum in 2964.5. In a chat on February 2004, Jessica became Winx, the Jinx Mascot, and this nickname was confirmed on the forum in 3540.16. She carries their dictionary for them. In 3540.17, David B became Binx, a friend of the Jinx Minx Twinz.
Judge Everything
A game invented by Danny, Judge Everything occupies thread 8892, and it just keeps going and going. The object of the game is give things ratings from 1 to 10. All ratings must be sincere, nothing can be rated twice, and a person is only allowed to rate three things at a time. All of these rules have been broken many, many times. Among the things that have been rated in Judge Everything: Fritos, feet, Big Bird, free panties from Victoria’s Secret, constipation, Dionne Warwick, gossip, EXTREME HOT DOGS, Martha’s ’87 hair, Benadryl, Brokeback Chair, and G’Nort.
Kevin the Goat
The Tough Pigs pet goat, much loved by all, used for easy sex. The goat defies explanation or categorization, and it doesn’t belong to any one person. It simply exists in all its goaty glory. First reference in 2884.48, first named in 2884.65. A major conversation regarding the nature of the goat started in 2943.22. The goat’s birthday is November 13, and he is occasionally called “Kev le Goat.” Kevin the Goat is not to be confused with forum member Kevin, who does not have hooves, probably.
lucky overalls
When Danny wears them, they bring him all kinds of good luck! Yay! He writes about them when he’s delirious from exhaustion. First referred to in 1442.
Martha’s ’87 hair
Martha’s 1987 hair is a subject of much fascination and awe, although in her defense, it was 1987. If you ever build a time machine, I suggest you make 1987 your first stop so you can see it for yourself. In a poll in thread 8777, the hair was blamed for preventing Tom from receving Delphi e-mail notifications.
minestrone
Euphemism for the act of sexual self-pleasure. Some love discussing it openly, some are embarrassed about it, and some are confused and wonder why everyone is saying these things about vegetable soup. Alluded to in 2724, but the first real use was in 2756.
Minogue, Kylie
The Tough Pigs website is all about her, according to an e-mail received by Danny from a confused soul wishing to put it on a page of Minogue fansite links. Kylie Minogue fans are so stupid.
monkeys
You know, monkeys! When people say the word “monkey” on the forum, Erik shouts: “Monkey! Monkey, monkey, monkey..” He claims that it’s a reference to something from the old days of the Muppet newsgroup, but nobody else knows what he’s talking about. Erik is mysterious like that. In other news, monkeys happily endorse Jiffy Pop.
Mr. Scrooge
There is no Mr. Scrooge in Muppet Survivor. Despite this, people often vote for Mr. Scrooge in polls, even though he is stingy and badly dressed.
muffin
Ahhh, muffin. This one goes way, way back — maybe back before you were born! — to the days when it was some kind of strange inside joke between Emmy and Jackie. Maybe they could tell you more about it, unless they’ve been sworn to secrecy. On Tough Pigs, the word “muffin” has become a verb, to denote the act of taking a thread off-topic, whether intentionally or not. For example: If there’s a serious discussion about transcendental meditation, and you and some other people start trading your favorite quotes from The Jeffersons in that thread, then you’ve just muffined. Shame on you. A discussion of “muffin” — or a “dismuffsion” — can be found in thread 5783.
Muppet Book Club, the
Danny posts a Muppet-related book on the Tough Pigs website, and everyone discusses it in very intelligent, sophisticated ways. It’s kind of like a salon — a literary salon, not a hair salon.
Muppet Central
Another fansite and forum out there on the wonderful, wild, wacky world wide web. There are many other things to say about Muppet Central, but I will not say any of them here.
Muppetfest
A big official Muppet fan convention held in December 2001. All kinds of Henson people were there, and forum members who attended had a magical time. Forum members who didn’t attend may or may not have had a magical time that weekend, but they probably didn’t get to talk to Sweetums. Read all about it on the TP Muppetfest page.
MuppetHugging
Pictures created by Julian of a forum member being hugged by or otherwise affectionately interacting with a Muppet. They’re really cute, and they accompany forum members’ profiles on the Cheat Sheet.
Muppet Survivor
Some kind of game with a list of Muppets, and you can vote characters off, and something or other. Nobody really understands it. First mentioned in 1876 by a well-meaning but overeager poster. By the way, there is no Mr. Scrooge in Muppet Survivor.
Muppet Wiki
Muppet Wiki is a spin-off of sorts of Wikipedia, the online encyclopedia that anyone can edit. Muppet Wiki has thousands of articles about everything related to the Muppets that you could ever think of… and if you can think of anything else, you can add that too. There’s a page that lists Characters Who Have Had Body Parts Removed, a page for the T-Shirt Salesman who appeared in a single Sesame Street sketch, and a page for Doc’s boss Ms. Ardath from Fraggle Rock, who never appeared onscreen. There’s a complete Aliens in the Family episode guide, and a comprehensive discography of German Sesame Street records. And yes, it’s all as insane and beautiful as it sounds.
Naked Chat
Traditionally, everyone is naked during Tough Pigs chats. There are no webcams in TP chat, so everyone is on the honor system. The naked honor system, that is.
nice girl
Isha used to be one. So did just about everyone else. Early reference in 2866.33.
old guys in the balcony, the
They’re funny. What are their names?
panda
The animal, which is beloved by almost everyone, especially David. There is some debate over whether it’s a bear, a relative of the raccoon, or more closely related to Bea Arthur. Any given forum member may also be a panda, if he or she so desires; according to David, “A panda can be anyone, at any time, feeling any emotion.” You should ask yourself if there’s a panda in you. The first thread devoted to the subject started with 3589.
Quinnfest
In November 2005, Quinn was the guest of honor at a TPfest in Philadelphia. There was much fun and tomfoolery and coloring, and although Quinn swore he wasn’t a hugger, he ended up hugging everyone. Sissy. To learn more about Quinnfest, check out thread 8320 and read all about it.
Real Names Club
Or the “RNC”. Anyone who wants to be a part of Tough Pigs should use their real name as their Delphi nickname. It cuts down on confusion, and it’s a lot more personal than the old days when forum members used names like “XZ101-75” and “####*”.
Rimshot
A rimshot on a drum set is used as a response to a joke. There’s a fierce debate, however, about whether it means “That joke was funny!” or “That joke was lame!” This debate, which began in thread 8756, turned into a poll in thread 8765, but there was no overwhelming favorite. *Rimshot* has nothing to do with basketball, unless it’s used after somebody makes a basketball joke, but that’s never happened on the forum, probably.
Roemobile, the
Ryan R’s high-speed, tricked-out vehicle. Contains a shower, an air hockey table, and a karaoke machine. The ladies are all over it. (See Women of Roe.) First mentioned in 3046.29.
Santa Claus
The kindly old Christmas icon. He started posting to Tough Pigs, writing all his posts in rhyme, in December 2002. He came back in the fall of 2003, and was endeared to everyone. He inspired all the forum members to start writing in rhyming verse, proving that Tough Pigs is full of many Robert Frosts, with only a few Jewels. Thread 1088 contains most of the story, the legend, the saga that is Santa Claus on Tough Pigs. He gave a lovely thank you to the forum in 3241. Santa’s 2004 visit is in thread 6556, and his 2005 return is in 8883.
Scott’s e-mail
A running gag that never dies, ever. Is Scott’s e-mail working? Did he get my message? Did he get Julia’s message? Did he get Joggy’s message about Alaina’s message about Smig’s message? Did he get Ed Sullivan’s message? Et cetera, et cetera, ad nauseam.
Scott’s sleeping bag
HA! Scott’s sleeping bag? It’s such a funny thing. Boy, is it ever funny… funny if you were at Quinnfest, that is, and even then, only if you’re Danny, Quinn, Scott, Shawn or Daniel. To everyone else, the joke is pretty incomprehensible.
Shake-a-Pudd’n
A delicious, milk-rich snack made by Royal in the 1960’s. Sometimes it comes with a free Dr Doolittle statuette. May also be used as a magic word to dispel any and all problems at hand. Usage: “Shake-a-shake-a! Shake-a-Pudd’n! Pudd’n-Pudd’n Shake-a-Pudd’n!” First referred to in 2455.
SIRE
Remember that time when you hadn’t thought about the song “Believe in Yourself” for years, and then you heard it, and realized you knew every word of it? That’s SIRE, or Sudden Instant Recall Effect. In 7938.188, Scott suggested that there should be a name for the thing that happens when “sometimes you can go for years and years without thinking about something, and then suddenly you’re reminded of it and you recall it with crystal clarity.” Ryan R obliged with SIRE, and the rest is history, although that history is perhaps destined to be forgotten for the next 25 years.
soaky
Hunky-dory, right as rain, fine and dandy. Usage: “Don’t worry; everything’s soaky.” First used in chat on November 9, 2003. First referred to on the forum in 2884.
Super Slurpee Fun Time Club
“Anyone can be a member. The rules of the club are that you get to do and be whatever you want, you just have to do and/or be it first. If somebody else got their first, you have to make up something new.” Founded by Danny in 3357.149. Everyone in the club has an official title, many of which have something to do with convenience stores. Meetings of the club have been held in chat. See also clubs.
Stupidfriends
Self-assigned nickname for attendants of TPfest 2004. They do stupid stuff like walking halfway across New York City in the pouring rain without umbrellas. They have a cool theme song set vaguely to the Superman movie theme.
tail, the
Quinn has a vestigial tail. Seriously. It’s not much fun for him, but sometimes he wags it for us, which is kind of cute. First mention may have been in 2964.54.
Tartaglia, John
Actor, puppeteer, Sesame performer, international sex symbol. Star of Avenue Q on Broadway and performer of Ernie in season two of Play With Me Sesame. Everyone either wants him or wants to be him, or in some cases, both. (See minestrone.) A choice on many Tough Pigs polls, he usually receives a good percentage of the votes. It is not known whether Bea Arthur and Scott got the e-mail he sent. First used as a poll choice in 3014.
ten-foot pole
Michal uses it to perform unpleasant tasks. First used to slap Daniel on the ass in 3304.14.
TPfest
Short for Tough Pigs Fest, as you may have guessed. It’s an organized gathering of forum members, which may involve puppet shows, shopping for Muppet stuff, playing Muppet video games, and lots of general camaraderie, which is the best kind of camaraderie. Oh, and maybe a little boob-grabbing. Any smaller meeting of forum people may be called a mini-TPfest.
Tough Pigs Glossary, the
It’s the thing you’re reading, fuckhat.
u hav pix plz?
A mockery of internet speak. Grant started this running gag in 8943.16, a post soliciting pictures of Isha in a cheerleader outfit. Since then, it’s been used to great comic effort by Grant and others, but those pix of cheerleader Isha have yet to surface.
Women of Roe
An awesome club for Ryan R’s many lady friends. There is an application to join, but it means absolutely nothing. Currently, there is a horribly prejudiced policy against dudes joining. The Women of Roe play air hockey in the Roemobile. First mentioned in a thread starting with 3558. As of this writing, Bea Arthur is not a member of the Women of Roe.
woth
Born of a typo made by Ryan D, and given meaning by Jog, it refers to something lame. Usage: “Farscape got canceled? Man, that’s totally woth.” or “It’s so woth that Disney made Lindsay Lohan the new performer for Miss Piggy.”
yearbook, the
A year-end collection of quotes compiling some of the funniest, weirdest and most insightful things said on the forum in the previous twelve months. A good number of them are about sex. Forum members nominate potential yearbook entries, and some cocky little rascals even nominate themselves.
Ryan R thanks all the Pigs for research assistance.
Illustrations: TP pigeon and duckie by Isha Matos. Grover by Patrick Holmes. Danny Monster by Ryan D. Donald Duck as a bug by Isha Matos. Gonzo by Jog Jalink. Bert by Daniel Romens. Kermit and Grover by Ryan D. Swedish Chef by Shawn Pero. Oscar by Chris Smigliano. Mural sketch by Quinn Rollins. Cookie Monster chicken by Danny Horn. Piggy and Kermit by Julian Kleibeler. Camilla by Alaina Breeden.
