With an outstanding 61% of the vote, Ernie has been elected President! Thanks to the great voter turnout at the ToughPigs forum, President Elect Ernie, along with his running mate Bert, will soon be moving from Sesame Street to Pennsylvania Avenue.

Gobo and Red Fraggle received 32% of the vote, and conceded the election to Ernie from his home in Fraggle Rock. He will continue to serve as Explorer for the Rock until his term is up.

There were, however, several write-in votes, including one for Mr. Scrooge (because he is "rude and badly dressed," according to one voter). Another vote was tallied for Kermit the Frog. As confessed "Joe the Plumber" Nia put it, "I've decided to cast my vote for the only amphibian whom I've ever had complete and total faith in. I'd stand behind this frog until the end. I know him to be a natural born leader who never hesitates to accept the responsibility of command. He rallies the masses and gets the job done. And so, while many will accuse me of tossing my ballot, I see no other option but to vote Kermit The Frog for Commander in Chief of the next 8 years .... at least."

Is this country ready for a frog in the White House? Maybe we'll find out in 2012!

Click here to discuss this Article Elect on the ToughPigs forum!

Labels: Fraggle Rock, politics, Sesame Street

First, let me say thank you to ToughPigs.com for hosting this debate, and thank you to Mr. Strand for having the courtesy to attend. While I respect Mr. Strand’s arguments of the benefits to an Ernie/Bert Presidency, I cannot sit idly by while American voters are being swayed by two young men with a history of trickery, blatant deceit, and a track record of illegal activity. Aside from the fact that Gobo Fraggle would make a brilliant President, Ernie has proven to the American public time and time again that he can’t even be trusted with a plate of cookies, let alone the national budget.

Ernie’s, for the lack of a better word, “jerkitude” has been well documented. Generally, Ernie’s jerk-like tendencies have been directed at his roommate, better known as his running mate, Bert. The candidate from Sesame Street has reportedly convinced his running mate to say that he “8 the sandbox,” to talk to elephants on a banana, and to be chased by four-eyed monsters. Ernie has woken Bert up from deep sleeps to be reminded to take a nap, to play his radio, to tell him that the room has gone quiet, to count sheep, to count fire engines, to count balloons, to play his drums, and to invite a team of sheep into their bedroom for a musical number.

Ernie has posed as a doctor to examine Bert on several occasions without receiving a medical degree. He has gotten Bert kicked out of movie theaters after he himself made too much noise. He has lured Bert into playing games and singing songs, only to cruelly quit once Bert starts to enjoy himself. He has flooded their apartment more than once, put a fish in Bert’s cowboy hat, eaten Bert’s share of pizza, eaten Bert’s share of licorice, eaten Bert’s share of cookies, and eaten Bert’s share of cherries (nature’s gumdrop).

If this is the way he treats his best friend and running mate, how will he treat the American public? Do you really want a President who will get cookie crumbs in your bed?

His running mate, Bert is hardly worthy of the White House himself. According to sources, he can’t even beat a pigeon at a simple game of checkers. He has a history of cross-dressing, not just in the privacy of his own home, but also on stage in front of an audience (while Gobo and Red support alternate lifestyles, a lifestyle like Bert’s should not be kept a secret from his constituents). Perhaps most importantly, Bert serves as the president of a secret organization dedicated to the love of W, of which Ernie is also a member. W has given us eight years of difficulties, including economic crisis and war, and Bert is not only a supporter of W’s administration but a dues-paying member!Ernie has a history of waffling. In 1969, he declared that his favorite number was 2. Immediately after, he changed his mind and announced that his favorite number was 7. Just a few years later, he stated that his favorite number is 8,243,721. Can we afford to elect a President who chooses favorite numbers so willy-nilly? Why, I feel dirty just pluralizing the term “favorite numbers.”

Ernie has also been seen fraternizing with a man only known as “Lefty.” This man is guilty of grand larceny (for stealing the golden AN), alphabet trafficking, and conspiracy. We have film footage of Ernie buying certain letters of the alphabet from Lefty, as well as empty boxes, city property (such as stop signs), and invisible desserts. Who knows what other sorts of illegal dealings with which Ernie has involved himself. And that’s not to mention his perception of the value of a nickel.

Public planning is not one of Ernie’s strong suits. In one notable example, he double-booked his own bathroom for both Bert’s bath and a street-wide sing-along session. When confronted with this issue, Ernie blatantly ignored the pleas of his helpless running mate and commenced with the singing and public embarrassment.

According to paleontologists, Ernie and Bert have lived since the time of cavemen. That would make them thousands of years old. Are they too old to be able to relate to the common American man or woman? Are they out of touch with the needs of 99% of the country? In a word: Yes. In two words: Yes Yes.

It is our duty as Americans to choose the best candidate for the Presidency, and the best person in this race is an easy choice: Gobo Fraggle. Between Ernie’s sharing issues and his utter disregard for his fellow man, he would prove to be an incompetent world leader. But where his flaws start, Gobo’s strengths begin. Just look at his bond with his fellow Fraggles for proof. While Ernie can’t manage to share one stick of licorice, the Fraggle share their dreams. While Ernie plays cruel, pointless tricks on his buddy Bert, Gobo often leads his friends out of dangerous situations and back to the comfort of the Rock. We deserve a President who will lead us home, and that man is a Fraggle.Special thanks go out to Anthony Strand, who did just as much work on the ToughPigs election special as I did!

Head on over to the ToughPigs forum to cast your vote for the candidate you think would make the best President! Polls close at 9pm EST on November 4th! And be sure to vote in the for-real election on the same day!

Click here to talk trash about the guy who taught you the alphabet on the ToughPigs forum!

Labels: politics, Sesame Street

My esteemed colleague, Mr. J. M. Hennes, argued earlier this week in favor of a Gobo Fraggle Presidency. He worked hard to paint Gobo as someone who will strengthen the United States and extend a radish leaf of peace to all the nations of the world. It’s a commendable thought, and I certainly respect Joe’s right to feel that way. But the truth of the matter is this – Gobo Fraggle is completely unfit for the job of President.

Now, I could go down the expected path and paint Fraggle society as Socialistic. I could even make an unfair comparison between the name of Gobo’s running mate and the symbolic color of Communism, as seen in ugly propaganda like this:


But I’m not that person. There are many things about Fraggle culture that I admire and respect. I think one day this country would do very well to elect a Fraggle as President. But today is not that day, and Gobo is not that Fraggle. Simply put, the man is selfish and full of himself. He has frequently boasted of his self-reliance and the uselessness of relying on others. “I knew I was good,” he says proudly, with an egotistical grin.

His running mate isn’t much better, proclaiming for all to hear that, “All I need is me, me, me!” She has also shown a fool-hardy obliviousness to the achievements of others. When the Minstrels made their first appearance in Fraggle Rock, she cared only that she was the first one in the pool. Are these the type of people you want running your nation? People who put themselves first and have, in the past, bickered between themselves over who is “the leader”?

I don’t mean to dwell on Red Fraggle’s character, but she has shown an unfortunate willingness in the past to change her personality in order to win the affection of others. Ernie’s running mate, on the other hand, is very proud of being square, and wouldn’t change who he is for any reason.

I’d like to talk for a moment about Mr. Hennes’ specific claims. He mentioned the Last of the Lily Creatures in his pitch. Red’s treatment of that very important animal shows exactly how she and Gobo will treat the rest of this country. She promised she would come back to look after him, but the record shows that she never, ever did.

Mr. Hennes also stated that Gobo would end reliance on foreign radishes. Yet when has Gobo ever attempted to start a radish farm? His entire life has been spent stealing them from the Gorgs or, in the form of Doozer sticks, the Doozers. The Gobo/Red platform is built on empty promises, and there’s no indication that this will change in the future.

His claims that Gobo has a solid track record on foreign policy are simply ridiculous. Gobo spent years treating Doozers like scum and cowering in irrational fear of the Gorgs. A sudden change of heart at the end doesn’t erase that. He has also never taken a clear stand on the environment, switching back and forth between positions based on what his close advisor Convincing John told him to do. This long-standing ignorance is frightening, and sure to be repeated during his Presidency.

Convincing John, of course, is hardly the worst of Gobo’s advisors. Mr. Hennes very proudly stresses Gobo’s connection to his uncle, “Traveling” Matt Fraggle, calling him a capable explorer. Surely even Gobo’s most ardent supporters can see that the man is an embarrassment, a loose cannon and a huge albatross around the campaign’s neck. He thinks chewing gum makes your tongue explode. I can’t stress that enough.



As I mentioned, Gobo genuinely believes that his uncle Matt is exploring outer space. In fact, he is exploring the Earth. Gobo Fraggle cannot tell the difference between:




Think about that.

Now, Gobo Fraggle is certainly an appealing figure. He’s youthful, he’s enthusiastic, and he has big plans. It’s easy to be tempted to vote for him after his rousing speeches and memorable songs. But at heart, Gobo Fraggle will always put Gobo Fraggle first. We need a President who’ll put the American people first, and Ernie is it.

Seriously, though, I’d like to thank our own Joe Hennes for making all of the photoshopped images for this series of articles. That’s all Joe, folks. I tip my hat to him.

He'll be back tomorrow with some preposterous anti-Ernie slander.

Click here to cower in fear of the Gorgs on the Tough Pigs Forum.

Labels: Fraggle Rock, politics

Yesterday, Joe posted his arguments in favor of a Gobo Fraggle Presidency. On Thursday and Friday of this week, we will refute each other's statements. Be sure to come back for that.

Ernie. He knows how to dream big. The most remarkable thoughts he thinks have a way of being true. Ernie is the only candidate in this race who can mold reality to his will. Now he’s ready to take that large imagination and dedicate it to the United States of America. With his running mate Bert, he’ll do whatever it takes to lead this country into a bright and shining new era.

Ernie is a man of conviction. He can’t imagine anyone he’d rather be other than Ernie, and he’s known for seeing his plans through to the end, even if those around him can’t immediately see the value in his actions. He’s no self-absorbed fanatic, however. When he has to, Ernie is more than willing to put down the Duckie in favor of serving the greater good. As President, he’ll do what’s best for the people of the United States, not what’s best for himself. By the hilarious musical sting at the end of his first four years, he’ll have carried out big plans on these issues and more:

The Economy

Ernie hails from Sesame Street, and he knows how to cut government spending. He and Bert have shared an apartment for nearly forty years, and they haven’t spent a dime – not on food, not on utilities, and certainly not on earmarks. Also, both Ernie and his running mate have experience in helping workers see the value in their jobs. Ernie, during his stint as Old King Cole, showed his fiddlers three how to form a trio and Bert taught sheep how blankets are made. They’ll continue this commitment to the American worker from the White House.

Education

Education is not even an issue in this campaign, because my candidates are so far ahead of the other platform. They have a collective 78 years of experience in early childhood education, having dealt with subjects ranging from sharing to counting to keeping your room clean. Even with their decades of experience, they aren’t senile or out-of-touch. They’re veterans, but they’re as youthful – and as eager to help the children of America – today as they were in 1969.

The Environment

Ernie is an avid gardener, and he and Bert have spent time on America’s farms, even briefly running one of their own. VP candidate Bert has shown a remarkable vigilance in aiding our feathered friends over the years, even teaching one special bird how to play checkers. They will ensure that our precious natural resources – both our flora and our fauna – get the love and attention they so richly deserve.

Foreign Policy

Ernie and Bert have real, tangible international experience. In their careers, they have adapted to dozens of different cultures – Egypt, The Netherlands, and Brazil, to name only a few. They’ve not only visited, they’ve taken the time to learn local language and customs fluently. This international focus doesn’t mean they’re light on homeland security. Ernie defeated a dragon – the ultimate terrorist – just by saying “Mr. Dragon, you better behave.” And the dragon was so scared of him that it ran away, and the Kingdom was free. Ernie’s simple, decisive tactics will keep this nation safe.

Health Care

Ernie has a unique solution to the current health care situation – instead of relying on insurance companies, the American people should learn to take better care of themselves and each other. He demonstrated how to care for a sick friend when Bert came down with a cold, and he taught Cookie Monster how to eat a healthy breakfast. We don’t need to wait until after something bad has happened, he says. We can prevent it from ever happening in the first place. With the help of President Ernie, we can get free of the suffocating gasp of insurance and breathe freely.

Immigration

As you may expect from a man with his experience in world travels, Ernie welcomes immigrants to Sesame Street, and he’d do the same for the nation at large. For decades, he has allowed a thriving community of Twiddlebugs to reside in his window sill. They live independently, according to their own cultural customs, but they enjoy all the rights and freedoms of any other Sesame Street resident. He’ll take your tired, your poor, your Twiddled masses, and welcome them with open arms.

Space Travel

As he has stated many times, Ernie would like to visit the moon on a rocketship high in the air. Outer space – the real outer space, not his opponent’s cockamamie name for the Earth – is this nation’s future, and Ernie knows it. He knows that commercial space travel is the next logical step in this country’s development, and he won’t stop until someone like himself with no formal training can easily take that trip.

Ernie. He’ll spend all day developing innovative ways to attack this nation’s problems head-on, and he’ll keep his vice president up all night if that’s what it takes to see them through to completion. Can we afford anything less?

Click here to imagine an Ernie presidency on the Tough Pigs Forum.

Labels: politics, Sesame Street

Over the next several days, ToughPigs will be posting a series of articles related to next week's big Presidential election: Ernie and Bert vs. Gobo and Red. At the end of the week, go to the ToughPigs forum to vote for your favorite candidate!

Our country is currently in a state of crisis. The stock market continues to drop, unemployment is at an all-time high, and our fellow citizens are in constant fear of being thwomped by a Gorg. This is a time for change. And that change goes by the name Gobo Fraggle. Along with his running mate, Red Fraggle, he will end our reliance on foreign radishes, promote the “30-Minute Work Week” program, and reach out an olive branch to Inkspots, Poison Cacklers, and Ditzies throughout the Rock.

Economy
Many patriotic citizens already take part in the 30-Minute Work Week, including the Pipebangers, the Moon Greeter, and the Minstrels. Gobo and Red will invite all creatures, both Silly and otherwise, to participate, leaving more time for singing and dancing and playing games. In time, our country will run much more smoothly, and we will have the opportunity to set aside Doozer Sticks in high interest savings accounts for our futures and the futures of our children.

Education
As the candidates from Fraggle Rock know, there is no better education system than that of experience and tradition. Our children will learn about government through the semi-annual Ruler of the Rock Day. They will learn about physical fitness at the Fraggle Pond. They will learn vital communication skills on Joke Day. The limits to what they will learn and share with each other are as endless as the depths of the Echo Hole.

Environment
Fraggles such as Gobo and Red care more about our fragile environment more than anyone. Through his explorations, Gobo has taken appreciation of all types and sizes of species. From fauna like the Blustering Bellowpane Monster to flora like the Grapes of Generosity to minerals such as the Belching Boulder, Gobo has taken steps to allow for every plant, animal, and cavern to thrive in their own environment. Red Fraggle has even made a personal mission to preserve the Last of the Lily Creatures so he may live his life with the dignity he truly deserves.

Foreign Policy
With the close guidance of Marjory, the all-knowing Trash Heap, Gobo and Red will continue to strengthen relationships between the Fraggles, Gorgs, Doozers, and Silly Creatures. It cannot be denied that certain members of the Gorg clan have been shown to harbor terrorist tendencies, but Gobo promises to send troops into Gorg territory to clear the air of all ill thoughts toward creatures of different beliefs. He will also be utilizing his Operation: Radish project in order to show the codependency of our very different, yet interweaving, cultures. Having been incarcerated within Gorg country in the past, Gobo has the experience necessary to deal with the Gorgs as both a threat and an ally. His running mate, Red, will use her diplomatic connections to create a peaceful connection the Doozer community, while his Uncle Traveling Matt will carry on his exploratory mission through Outer Space as he makes continued contact with all types of Silly Creatures. Together, they will build bridges across the species barrier and bring a unity to the Universe.

Health Care
Continuing with his effort of employing people of great talent to his personal staff, Gobo has brought Boober Fraggle into his inner circle to council on the constant threats of disease, pestilence, phobias, death, paranoia, and superstition. Through proper diet and sterilization, he will make sure to keep people everywhere healthy and happy. He will also implement a national program to enforce mandatory Baloobius testing in public schools. As long as he serves in Gobo’s cabinet, he will ensure that there will never be another occurrence like the great Pebble Pox outbreak of 1985.

Immigration
Always an explorer at heart, Gobo encourages everyone to find a home wherever they feel most comfortable, whether it be locally or abroad, and whether it means leaving the Rock or becoming a citizen in another land. People may want to find a cave of one’s own, perhaps in the Caves of Boredom or the Cavern of Lost Dreams, or they may even move to an undisclosed desert location. Likewise, the door to our country will always be open to anyone small enough to fit through it.

Space Travel
After succeeding in his duty to capture the moon, Gobo has turned his sights elsewhere to further our knowledge of what lies beyond the Rock. He has employed the capable (and not at all clumsy) Traveling Matt to explore the entirety of Outer Space and report back to his nephew on a regular basis. If the success of his travels continues, Gobo, Red, and their cabinet may soon partake on an Outer Space mission themselves by the year 2010.

When you go to the voting cave on Election Day, remember Gobo and Red Fraggle. They will vow to use the experience they gained in the Fraggle Wars, the Finger of Light campaign, and the All-Day, Cross-Cave Beanbarrow Race Finals for the betterment of every rock, cave, and workshop within their reach. Don’t Wemble, perform the Solemn Fraggle Oath and vote for the best Fraggles for the job: Gobo/Red ’08!Come back tomorrow to read Anthony Strand's campaign promises for candidates Ernie and Bert!

Click here to discuss the Radish Party on the ToughPigs forum!

Labels: Fraggle Rock, politics