April Frog’s Day, Part One

Published: April 1, 2002

Part One: Faster and Funnier

Rizzo	THIS… is CNN!
Announcer	Welcome to Larry King Live. Tonight, master interviewer Ted Koppel. Some say he’s the toughest questioner in the business. Now, see how he likes being on the other side of the firing line. Also, we go backstage at the White House with senior presidential advisor David Gergen. And, we welcome the stars of television’s Thunder in Paradise, strongman Hulk Hogan and supermodel Carol Alt. Now, sitting in for Larry King, here’s Kermit the Frog.
Kermit	Hi ho. Oh, down here, guys. [ The camera pans down to Kermit. ] Yeah. Hi ho, Kermit the Frog here, just like it says right there. Good evening and welcome to Larry King Live. Now, don’t let these suspenders fool you, because I am not Larry King. No way. He wears glasses and he’s not even green. Now, you’re probably wondering why I’m sitting here instead of Larry. Well, you see, it all started a few months ago, when I was a guest on the show. Larry asked me if I would guest host the show when he went on vacation. So, well, you know, Larry’s on vacation and I’m here. Now, Monday, Larry will be back and I’ll be on vacation. Then, of course, on Tuesday —
Gonzo	[ Gonzo enters and interrupts. He’s holding a clipboard. ] Kermit, Kermit, speed it up. Come on, you’re running late.
Kermit	How can I be running late, Gonzo? We just started.
Gonzo	Trust me, it’s got to be faster and funnier.
Kermit	Well, okay. How about if I tell the folks who our guests are tonight?
Gonzo	No, no, no, no, no. Let’s see — I’ve got it, why don’t you tell the folks who our guests are tonight?
Kermit	Thank you.
Gonzo	Don’t mention it.
Kermit	I won’t.
Gonzo	Well, go ahead.
Kermit	Okay. All right, folks. Tonight’s guests are supermodel turned actress, Miss Carol Alt…
Gonzo	Ooh!
Kermit	… wrestling star turned actor, Terry Hulk Hogan…
Gonzo	Wow, macho.
Kermit	Yes. Republican turned Democrat, Mr. David Gergen…
Gonzo	Oh, you mean the counselor to the President?
Kermit	That’s the guy.
Gonzo	Wow, impressive.
Kermit	And also, from the White House, a very, very special surprise guest in a rare, exclusive interview. But now, my first guest is someone that everybody knows, and he’s —
Gonzo	That’s much better, Kermit. Now, why don’t you introduce your first guest?
Kermit	I was trying to.
Gonzo	Well, go ahead. We’ve only got an hour here. Sheesh.
Kermit	To call my first guest one of the greatest newscasters of all time would be an understatement. For fourteen years now, he’s been anchoring a late-night talk show, and he doesn’t even do a monologue. Now, we haven’t seen each other since 1987, when the Muppets were special correspondents for Nightline. So, ladies and gentlemen, it is a real pleasure to welcome my good friend, Mr. Ted Koppel.
Ted	Where is Larry? Where — where is Larry King?
Kermit	I beg pardon?
Ted	I said, where is Larry? Larry King?
Kermit	He’s on vacation, Ted. I’m sorry about that.
Ted	I mean, Kermit, you know, what we did the last time is one thing. If you think I’m going to jeopardize 35 years of a professional reputation by being interviewed by a frog, you’ve got another thing coming.
Kermit	Listen, Ted, I’m really sorry. But I was afraid something like this might happen, because, you know, I was reading your bio, and you are the preeminent TV interviewer in America, and the undisputed, reigning lion of tough TV-interview journalism, the L.A. Times says. I was afraid you might be upset by not having Larry King here.
Ted	Well, all right — look, Kermit, I don’t mean to upset you. I mean, you were kind enough to come on Nightline some years ago.
Kermit	That’s true.
Ted	So, why don’t you go ahead? Give it your best shot.
Gonzo	Kermit, Kermit, you’ve lost control here. You’re not hard enough hitting. You’ve got to be incisive. Look, ask him what everybody in America wants to know. Mr. Koppel —
Ted	Yes, Gonzo?
Gonzo	Is it true that that is your real hair, or are you wearing a rug?
Ted	[ tugging on his hair ] Is it not on straight?
Kermit	Wait a minute, do that again.
Gonzo	Holy toledo.
Kermit	I think perhaps that answers your question.
Gonzo	I think we’ve got a scoop here. Nice going. Okay, you’re on your own.
Kermit	But — but — well, you know, one of the things I was sort of hoping to ask you about, Ted, since you’ve been doing this for such a long time…
Ted	Yeah.
Kermit	— and you’re very good at it — I’m kind of new at this interview stuff. I was kind of hoping you might be able to give me a few pointers to use on the other guests tonight.
Ted	Well, actually, that’s not true, Kermit. I mean, you’ve interviewed a lot of fairy tale characters.
Kermit	Oh, well, that’s true.
Ted	I’ve seen you do it. And you do it very well.
Kermit	That’s true. But they’re a little easier than, you know, people like Hulk Hogan.
Ted	Well, absolutely. I wouldn’t want to be sitting where you’re — are you sitting, as a matter of fact?
Kermit	I am sitting, yes. I’m on a — I’m on a booster chair.
Ted	All right. I would not want to be sitting where you’re sitting, if you’re going to ask Hulk Hogan the question that you just asked me.
Kermit	And I would not want to be sitting where you’re sitting, if you were actually still sitting there.
Ted	I wouldn’t want to be sitting here either if he was sitting where I’m now sitting.
Kermit	Yeah, that’s true. Well, listen, we have a call from Hollywood, California for you.
Ted	Good.
Kermit	Hello, Hollywood.
Piggy	[ on the phone ] Hello?
Ted	I recognize the porcine beauty herself.
Piggy	Hello, Theodore.
Ted	How are you, my love?
Piggy	Oh, just all the better for hearing vous.
Kermit	Piggy —
Ted	I have missed you. It has been — how long did you say it was, Kermit, since we were together?
Kermit	It’s been like seven years, 1987.
Piggy	Last night.
Ted	What do you mean, last night?
Kermit	Eighty-seven.
Piggy	Could I just ask you a little question, Theodore?
Ted	I would be delighted if you would ask me a little question, oh porcine one.
Piggy	Theodore, if vous had a woman —
Ted	Yes.
Piggy	— who loved you desperately —
Ted	Yes.
Piggy	— and you were doing a show —
Ted	Yes.
Piggy	— and that woman wanted to be on the show to support vous —
Ted	Yes.
Piggy	— what would vous do? Listen, Kermit.
Ted	I think… I think I would start molting. I think my felt would begin to develop a few uncomfortable patches, is what I think.
Piggy	But you would truly be supportive and excited, yes?
Ted	I would be supportive and excited.
Kermit	Piggy —
Piggy	Okay, would you tell Kermit that?
Ted	I just did.
Kermit	Yeah, we’re sitting in the same room, Piggy. Ted is on the show.
Piggy	Basically, Ted, the Larry King show is too cheap to fly me out there.
Kermit	That’s not true. It had nothing to do with that.
Ted	What about satellites?
Kermit	We’ve talked about this. We’ve talked about this, Piggy.
Ted	I mean, Larry brings guests in by satellite all the time.
Kermit	Well, that’s true. There wasn’t a satellite that could carry Miss Piggy, though.
Ted	I think you’re getting in deeper trouble all the time.
Piggy	You see, Theodore?
Ted	Yes.
Piggy	Theodore, you see what he does?
Ted	Yeah, I do. Does that mean you’re free now?
Piggy	No, no, no. It just means that I’m hurt.
Gonzo	No, no, it’s just… Also, this set has a flimsy little wooden floor. It’s not that strong.
Kermit	That’s right.
Gonzo	You wouldn’t want to be here, Piggy. It wouldn’t be safe for you.
Ted	Gonzo, I think you’re in deep doo-doo, too.
Gonzo	Yeah, well, you know. That’s where I live.
Kermit	That’s a very appropriate way of putting it.
Piggy	Theodore…
Ted	Mademoiselle Piggy.
Piggy	I give you permission for a proxy karate chop.
Ted	A proxy karate chop?
Kermit	For a — wait a second.
Ted	You mean on the Larry King look-a-like there?
Piggy	Yes. It’s a legal thing, Kermit.
Kermit	It’s what?
Piggy	A legal thing.
Ted	I can’t… I can’t reach that far, Piggy.
Kermit	You should know that Larry has quite a lot of space between he and his guests here. I think there’s a good reason for that.
Ted	He’s a smart fellow, Larry.
Kermit	Yup, yup.
Ted	He knows what he’s doing.
Piggy	I just wanted to call, Theodore, and tell you that I would have been there personally, because moi loves vous, and vous knows that from the heart.
Ted	And sweat is beading on moi‘s lip at the very thought of it, that you —
Kermit	Sweat is beading on my forehead.
Piggy	I wasn’t asking you, Kermit.
Kermit	I think it’s a little early on the program to start getting these prank phone calls, guys.
Piggy	Excuse moi.
Kermit	Perhaps we should push the button.
Piggy	Fine, fine, push the button. I have many publicists and photographers here. I just wanted to say, Theodore —
Ted	Piggy.
Piggy	… from my heart…
Ted	And mine.
Piggy	I want you to know, I don’t buy it for a second that’s your hair.
Kermit	Piggy…
Ted	Piggy, we already did that number, and…
Piggy	I don’t buy it.
Ted	Well, if you bought it, with what you’re earning, I could afford a better one than this.
Kermit	Listen, Ted. She said the same thing to me.
Ted	Yeah, I know, but you don’t have any, either.
Kermit	Well, exactly. That’s my point.
Gonzo	I’ve got eleven.
Kermit	Gonzo…
Gonzo	I have eleven hairs. See that?
Piggy	I know there’s two men talking, but sometimes a woman would like to speak.
Kermit	Oh, excuse us. We’re just on live, international television in two hundred and something countries here.
Gonzo	Yeah, excuse us for not being pigs on television.
Piggy	Kermit, dear, you are the host, and the guest, Mr. Koppel, speaks, not vous.
Kermit	Yes, but unfortunately, we have this lengthy phone call. Folks, listen, we’re going to have to… we’re going to have to go to a break. We’ll be back in a few minutes, hopefully without the call from Hollywood.
Gonzo	You handled that very well, Kermit.
Kermit	Sorry about that, Ted.
Gonzo	Nice going.
Kermit	We’ll be back soon.
Gonzo	Yeah, we’ll try to cut it off next time.
Ted	I thought you were quite masterful, Kermit.
Kermit	Yeah, well, I try.