Part Four: Run For Your Lives!
Kermit
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So, Gonzo, how do you think the show is going so far? |
Gonzo
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Oh, it’s great. I can’t wait to get home and watch it later. |
Kermit
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Gonzo, you can’t watch this show later. This is a live show. |
Gonzo
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What? Live? You mean people are watching us right now? |
Kermit
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Sure, they are. Oh, welcome back, everybody. |
Gonzo
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Welcome back? We’re on live television? |
Kermit
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Gonzo, the name of the show is Larry King Live. |
Gonzo
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Well, yeah, but I just thought Kinglive was Larry’s last name. [ Gonzo starts to shake and hyperventilate. ] |
Kermit
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Look, Gonzo, just relax. It’s not a big deal. |
Gonzo
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Relax? What are you talking about? In front of millions of people? I — I’ve always been pre-recorded. My father was pre-recorded, and my grandfather before him was transcribed. I’ve really got to get out of here. I can’t take this. Live TV! It’s too nerve-racking. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! |
[ Gonzo dashes out of the studio. We see him running through the CNN studios, in a panic. He runs up to a security guard. ] | |
Gonzo
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Hey, lady! Do you realize what a nutty place this is? They’re shooting live television in there! I told them I — [ He catches sight of the camera ] — OH NO! Stop it! Leave me ALONE! |
[ Gonzo starts running down the hall, with the camera after him. He pushes over CNN staff people wandering by. ] | |
Gonzo
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AAAAHHH! Will you leave me alone? Lady, I’m sorry — watch out, everybody! Look out! Everybody run for your lives! It’s LIVE TELEVISION! Lady, get out of the way! Run for your lives! Look out, everybody! LIVE TELEVISION! AAAAAAAHHHHH! |
[ Gonzo runs blindly through a door. We see CNN newscaster Bernard Shaw broadcasting. ] | |
Shaw
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President Clinton is playing host to the nation’s governors tonight. They arrived at the White House for — |
Gonzo
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Run for the hills! It’s live television, everybody! Hey, wait a minute, I know you. I’ve seen you on TV. You’re — |
Shaw
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Bernard Shaw. |
Gonzo
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Oh, what’s your name… |
Shaw
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Bernard Shaw. |
Gonzo
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No, that’s not it. |
Shaw
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Yes, it is, Bernard Shaw. |
Gonzo
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Oh, if you insist. But, listen, did you know that, at this very moment, we are on live television? |
Shaw
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Actually, we’re on tape. We pre-recorded this yesterday. Remember? |
Gonzo
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Hey, you’re right! That’s so cool. This is yesterday, and I’m pre-recorded. Wow, I feel so much better. |
Shaw
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And I’m happy for you. |
Gonzo
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Hey, Kermit, I’m gonna stay here, on tape, with Bernard Shaw. Back to you, live, in the studio. |
Kermit
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Yeah. Well, thank you, Gonzo. We’ll check in with you later. Oh, wait, you’re on tape. So I guess we’ll check in with you earlier. Never mind. Listen, I’m really sorry about that, Gonzo got a little nervous there. |
Carol
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Well, now that he’s gone, Kermit, I can give you our little gift. |
Kermit
|
Oh, what is that? |
Carol
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We brought you a Thunder in Paradise hat. |
Kermit
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Oh, look at that. That is great. |
Carol
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That’s the Hulkster’s colors. Yellow and red. |
Kermit
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Can you get — look at this. Thunder in Paradise. Yeah, I notice you’re both wearing red tonight. |
Hulk
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Yeah. |
Kermit
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You match. It’s very nice. Hey, listen, we have a phone call for you from Laurel, Maryland. Is that a name or a place? Hello, Laurel, Maryland. |
Caller
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Yeah, Hulkster. |
Hulk
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What’s up, brother? |
Caller
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Yeah, I have a question for you. I was wondering how serious you are about challenging the winner of the spring stampede pay-per-view against Flair and Tugboat? |
Hulk
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I’m real serious about it, man. Got the itch to climb back in the ring, you know. And I’ve been watching these guys pretty close. And depending on who wins that match, I’m going to consider it. If I could get a world title shot, I’d love to climb back in there one more time. Yeah, maybe have Kermit as my business manager, except that Jimmy Hart is my manager. But you could be a good business manager, Kermit. |
Kermit
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Oh, listen, I’d love to. You know, I’ve never been in a wrestling ring before. |
Hulk
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Well, no, I just want you to maybe negotiate the deal for me. |
Kermit
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Oh, I see. I don’t actually have to get in the ring. Oh. |
Hulk
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Exactly. |
Kermit
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Well, that’s good. I don’t think — |
Hulk
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You could be the referee, though. |
Kermit
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Oh, I could referee? |
Carol
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We’d have frog soup by the time you’re done. |
Hulk
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Yeah. |
Kermit
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I’d get to wear the striped shirt. Listen, Carol, I wanted to ask, you know, you mentioned — |
Hulk
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What do you — is the brother still on the phone? |
Kermit
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Are you there, caller? |
Caller
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Yeah. |
Hulk
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Brother, do you think Hulk Hogan could beat Rick Flair, man? What do you think? |
Caller
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Well… |
Kermit
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Say yes. |
Caller
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I mean… |
Kermit
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Say yes. |
Caller
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Flair is… I mean, I’ve seen you guys wrestle in the other federation. |
Hulk
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Yeah. |
Caller
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And, I mean, you’re much stronger than Flair, but Flair is the ultimate ring technician, and — |
Hulk
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Brother, what are you talking about, man! What do you mean — |
Carol
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Don’t get him mad! He starts flailing. I might get hit. |
Hulk
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Oh, man! I thought you were a Hulkamaniac, dude. |
Kermit
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Oh, no. |
Caller
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I mean, I know you’ve taken on Muda and, you know, in your Japan matches, and I think personally that you wrestle a lot better in Japan than you do in the States. But I don’t know if you could take Flair, man. |
Kermit
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Listen, I… well, you know, that may be true, but, you know — |
Hulk
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Well, you know, Flair needs a couple fans to carry him out. If I ever do get in the ring with Rick Flair, it’s nice that Flair has a few fans to carry him back to the dressing room when I’m done pouncing on him, you know. |
Kermit
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[ who is almost certainly starting to regret doing this in the first place: ] Sure. Oh, listen, listen, those people are going to need to be there to carry the guy back, undoubtedly. |
Carol
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But, of course, this is going to be after we’ve finished filming Thunder in Paradise, because I don’t want to be out of a job yet, Hulk. |
Kermit
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Oh, yeah. Yeah. Listen, you mentioned that you were — |
Hulk
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I’m getting bored. You know, on the weekends, maybe. |
Kermit
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You mentioned that you were shooting a lot in Florida. And you’re originally from Florida, is that right? |
Hulk
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Yes, sir, from Tampa, Florida. |
Kermit
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I thought you were. You know, I spent a lot of time down there in the swamps, myself. |
Hulk
|
In the swamps? |
Kermit
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Yeah. |
Hulk
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Oh, at Disney World? The Disney World swamps? |
Kermit
|
Well, I — you know, there’s swamps all around there. |
Hulk
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You know, I think we should write a script and have Kermit as the star. |
Kermit
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In Thunder in Paradise? |
Hulk
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Yeah. |
Kermit
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Wow. You know, I’m a great frog-man. |
Hulk
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I bet you’d be good in water. |
Kermit
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Sure. |
Carol
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Doesn’t need a wetsuit. |
Hulk
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No. |
Kermit
|
Do you guys do anything special to stay in shape on a shoot like this? Because I know there’s the — for those of you who don’t know, on movie shoots, there’s a thing called the craft services table. |
Hulk
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Right on the MGM lot, bungalow 2, some good friends of ours, Rich Minzer from Gold’s Gym, gave us a whole gym full of equipment. |
Carol
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Nautilus. |
Kermit
|
Oh, that’s great. |
Hulk
|
Yeah. |
Carol
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Gold’s Gym. Everything. |
Kermit
|
Maybe you could give me some tips. I mean, this is what a frog is shaped like. But I know my arms are a little scrawny. |
Carol
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Yeah, I think you need a couple weights there. |
Hulk
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Well, you’ve got nice frog legs there. |
Kermit
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Oh, well, they’re very powerful. You know, that’s where they got the idea for things like Navy seals and stuff. By the way — |
Carol
|
You have nice eyes, though, so you don’t have to worry… |
Hulk
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Yeah, he’d be a perfect Navy seal, wouldn’t he? |
Kermit
|
Well, when you play a seal, do you have to wear special makeup? Because… |
Hulk
|
No, in Thunder in Paradise, I have all the commando gear. |
Kermit
|
… You don’t look anything like a seal. |
Hulk
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Oh, of course I look like a seal. This is the Hulkamaniac costume, here. |
Kermit
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[ definitely regretting it at this point: ] Okay, okay. Well, listen, I want to thank you both for joining us. And best of luck with Thunder in Paradise, because it’s going to be a great success, I know, because you’re both wonderful. |
Hulk
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Well, thank you so much. |
Kermit
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You’re very welcome. And I’m going to come down and see you at Disney World. |
Hulk
|
Is he your type? |
Carol
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I was just thinking, maybe he could, you know, play a romantic lead when he comes on the show. |
Kermit
|
Gee, do you believe in interspecies dating? |
Carol
|
I do like the guys with big noses, you know what I mean, and scrawny little arms. |
Kermit
|
Oh, well, gee. We’ll talk about this off-camera. When we come back, folks, Mr. David Gergen, the counselor to the President. And, still to come, a very, very special surprise visitor from the White House! |
by Danny Horn