Part Two : Got Kraml?
Kraml milk ads
Late 1950’s
With the success of the Wilkins Coffee ads, Wilkins and Wontkins were also pressed into service to promote other Wilkins products, including the delightfully-named Kraml milk. (And yes, that’s pronounced Kraml. Just like it’s spelled.)
The Kraml milk ads followed a similar format to the Wilkins Coffee ads, which means that they were incredibly violent and insane. Be warned: You may never be able to look at a dairy product the same way again.
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“Love My Wilkins” |
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| [ Wilkins is cuddling a carton of Kraml milk. ] | |
| Wilkins
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I really love my Kraml milk! |
| Wontkins
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You oughta see a psychiatrist! |
| Wilkins
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I did! That’s who told me about Kraml! |
| [ Wilkins snuggles against the carton. ] | |
| Wilkins
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I used to love my raincoat. |
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“Brand X” |
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| [ Wilkins and Wontkins are cowboys, sitting around a campfire with a carton of Kraml milk. Wilkins is holding a stick in the fire. ] | |
| Wilkins
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How bout a glass of Kraml milk? |
| Wontkins
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No, let me have Brand X! |
| [ Wilkins pulls the stick out of the fire — it’s a brand, with a big X on it. There’s a sizzle as Wilkins brands Wontkins. ] | |
| Wontkins
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Ooh, that smarts! |
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Rocket Ship |
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| [ Wilkins and Wontkins are standing next to a rocket shaped like a carton of Kraml milk. ] | |
| Wilkins
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Kraml’s going to be the first milk on the moon! |
| [ The rocket explodes into tatters. ] | |
| Wontkins
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Now what? |
| Wilkins
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Well, Kraml’s still the best milk on Earth! |
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Traffic Court |
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| [ Wilkins is a judge. Wontkins stands in the dock. Wilkins has a carton of milk at his bench. ] | |
| Wilkins
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Why were you speeding? |
| Wontkins
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I wanted a glass of milk! |
| Wilkins
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Kraml milk? |
| Wontkins
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No, just any old kind! |
| [ A rattle of keys as a prison door slams on Wontkins’ face. ] | |
| Wontkins
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Next time, I’ll say Kraml! |
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Tunnel of Love |
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| [ A carnival. Wilkins and Wontkins are in a boat, heading into the Tunnel of Love. Wilkins is dressed in a blond wig and white blouse. ] | |
| Wilkins | After this, would you buy me a glass of Kraml milk? |
| [ The boat enters the tunnel. ] | |
| Wontkins
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NO! |
| [ Splash! Cut to the other side of the tunnel. Wilkins emerges in the boat, alone. ] | |
| Wilkins
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I only go for a man who drinks Kraml! |
by Danny Horn
