January 23, 2008

Mr. McAllister’s Wonder Disaster

Filed under: Reviews — Tags: , — Joe Hennes @ 7:46 pm


Come, my darlings, and let me read you a story. It’s a story full of magic, suspense, clinical depression, sombreros, the bastardization of Christmas, and one Very Brief Cameo.

Once upon a time, as far back as you or I can remember, even as far back as November, 2007, a mediocre movie premiered called Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium.The movie starred a very old Willy Wonka and his magical Wal-Mart. He is joined by the weird girl from Garden State and Teen Wolf Jr. Oh, and that kid who wouldn’t take a shower in Wet Hot American Summer.

You may ask yourself, “What sort of craziness will come of the unification of such minds??” Well yourself, nothing short of the finest art imaginable! That is, assuming “finest” means “below par, and slightly painful.” If that’s what you meant, then you were right on target. Sorry if you thought.. y’know, skip it. Just try not and get your hopes up.

In the should-have-been-straight-to-DVD Blockbuster hit, Mr. MacGonacle’s Wonderful Monacle, a crazy old man hangs out with kids, prophesizes his own death, watches his store (read: not a euphemism for his libido, we swear.. no, really) crumble to pieces, and (SPOILER ALERT) dies, passing all of his responsibilities (read: debt) along to his daughter-like protege. I assure you, none of the story has anything to do with why you’re reading about this on a Muppet fan site.

About 14 minutes into the film, in the middle of a montage of what it would be like to hang out in a store like this without parental supervision, money, school, or brand names, our very own Kermit the Frog makes a cameo as himself.

I now present to you the full scene of Kermit’s appearance.

INTERIOR, DAY

KERMIT THE FROG ENTERS AISLE CARRYING A SHOPPING BASKET

KERMIT (BROWSING): Ooh. Aha.

KERMIT NOTICES KIDS

KIDS (STARING LIKE THEY’VE NEVER SEEN A TALKING FROG BEFORE): Tee hee.

KERMIT: Heya. Just, uh, (NODS) uh, shopping. (MORE NODS) Shopping.(EVEN MORE NODS) Just, um, shopping.

KERMIT EXITS

And 13 glorious seconds after it began, it is all over. The movie, in case you were wondering, has another hour and 15 minutes to go, which is sufficient time to think of about 11,000 better ways to have spent your $10.75.

So, would I recommend Mr. Willowby’s Wonder Tree? Ye gods, yes! 13 seconds of Muppets in a feature film is the most screentime they’ve gotten since 1999! Totally worth sitting through Dustin Hoffman’s Bugs Bunny impression.

By which I mean, please don’t go see this movie. Kermit will be just fine without the proceeds of this film. If he can survive that cameo in Glitter, he can survive anything.

Click here to come up with more funny words that sounds like “Magorium” on the ToughPigs forum!

by Joe Hennes – Joe@ToughPigs.com



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