Danny

Our last Christmas show for the year is the 1978 PBS special Christmas Eve on Sesame Street. 

Kynan

Featuring all our favorite Sesame Street Muppets... or some enormous floppy-limbed version thereof.

Danny

Yeah, using the Holiday on Ice Muppets to start the special is a bold choice, by which I mean, boring and not a good idea. Why did people not know how to open specials? 

Kynan

Even as a youngster, when I saw this, it didn't ring true. I can tell a Muppet from an ice skater in a Muppet costume when I see one. 

Danny

Of course you can. A child of three could do it. Someone bring me a child of three.

Kynan

Is that the real Gordon, or an ice skater inside a Gordon costume?

Danny

It's a good thing this was on PBS, cause if I had to sit through this whole ice-skating sequence and then cut to commercial, I'd be very frustrated.

Danny

Hey, nice lift on the grouch. He's got hang time. 

Kynan

I don't know. That looks painful. 

Danny

Phew! And so we leave the eight-minute ice skating sequence. Please remain seated until we come to a full and complete stop. 

Danny

I like that Oscar takes pleasure in tormenting Big Bird on Christmas Eve, and destroying his holiday. This is very true to life.

Oscar: "How's a guy like Santa Claus -- who's built like a dump truck -- how's he gonna come down all those skinny little chimneys, huh? That's like trying to get a basketball into a gingerale bottle!" 

Kynan

He's good at the metaphors, too.

Oscar: "Well, if I was you, I'd find out -- because if he doesn't get in, there's gonna be a lot of empty stockings around town tomorrow morning! Heh heh. Merry Christmas."

Big Bird: "Boy. I don't know how Santa comes down the chimney... but we'll find out, huh, Patty?"

Danny

Yeah, sure. Wait a second. Who the hell is Patty?

Kynan

Patty is Insert Random Big Bird Stooge Here #72.  

Kynan

Everybody seems so cheerful about picking up Oscar's can and swinging it around while his little legs dangle. That can has no bottom. It's useless.

Danny

Oooh, and so disturbing seeing David cuddling with Maria on the subway. She looks uncomfortable with it, too. Where is Luis at this point?

Kynan

This is pre-Luis. David sings, "Feelngs feel so wonderful, you have to let them show..." -- and if he were looking at Maria right now, he'd see her showing her feelings, which are "ewww."

Big Bird: "Hey, I know, Oscar -- Santa Claus covers himself with butter so he can slip right down the chimney!"

Oscar: "Ding dong, you're wrong! And you know what else? I don't think there IS a way he can get down the chimney, that's what else. And if he doesn't -- no you-know-whats tomorrow morning! Heh heh."

Kynan

That butter theory may not be feasible, but damn, it sounds delicious.

Danny

Man, they're still singing the same song they were singing before they got on the subway. It takes a lot to kill a song with this crowd.

Kynan

Now Linda's lifting Oscar's can onto his perch. He's entirely dependent on the grown-ups for transport. Do you think they ever move him randomly in the night? Oscar would be really pissed if he woke up one morning in New Jersey.

Danny

I know I would be.

Danny

Hey, Kermit's in this one, too! Kermit's in everything!

Kynan

And he's got a new scarf, and mittens.

Kermit: "Well, let us consider the question here. How does big fat Santa Claus get down those skinny chimneys? Well. Ahem. Let us look at it from another angle. Uh. Returning to the first angle, uh, it's a simple matter of, uh... y'know, I never thought about it before. How does he do it?"

Kynan

That's perfect. Absolutely perfect.

Danny

Look at how closely Kermit is listening when Patty talks. He's really taking her seriously. That's the magic, right there -- Kermit's complete sincerity.

Kermit: "I'll go round up some of the guys and ask some kids."

Danny

I love that Kermit has guys. I wish I had guys.

Danny

Oh, and now Grover is talking to groovy 70's kids! This show is getting better every minute. 

Grover: "How does Santa Claus get down that little chimney?" 

Boy: "EASY! He comes down with WEINDEEWS!" 

Danny

That is too cute. One thing this is teaching me, though, is that kids have no understanding of elementary spatial relationships. What are they teaching these kids in school? 

Girl: "He pushes da button... and then it open, and he goes in... and he step on da big step... and then he goes in!" 

Grover: "And there you HAVE it!" 

Kynan

Cuteness squared. Tell me that girl grew up to be a cartoon character. 

Danny

We were all like that in America in the 70's, you know. We all wore yellow shirts, and we talked to Muppets nonstop. 

Kynan

Right, these are your contemporaries. Did you have hair like that? 

Danny

I still have hair like that. 

Danny

So Bob comes home, and there's a ton of kids just sitting around in his apartment. What the heck is going on around here? Sesame Street has kids like other streets have mice. There's unattended kids everywhere.

Kynan

Linda taught all these kids to do "Keep Christmas With You" in sign language as a surprise for Bob -- which, as a Christmas surprise, ranks right up there with filling someone's stocking with clementines.

Danny

I like the kid right in the middle who can't sign worth beans. He's just coasting on everyone else's signing. He's my role model.

Kynan

My favorite is the kid who's looking at the solo-signing girl with lust in his eyes. Check out his smirk. It's Christmas in his pants.

Danny

Why do Ernie and Bert have to barter with Mr Hooper for their Christmas gifts? How do they pay their rent? I don't understand the economics of Sesame Street.

Kynan

"Goodbye, Mr Hooper... and goodbye, Rubber Duckie." This show has poignancy out the wazoo. This is authentic poignancy, too, and nobody has to die.

Danny

Man, look at that cheap ass soapdish, though. Bert could get way more than that for his paper clips. He should shop around. 

Kynan

Sesame Street only has one store. There is no "around."

Danny

And now Cookie Monster's writing a letter to Santa. I love that they have all these great characters, and all they need to do to construct a Christmas special is to cut back and forth between them, and give each of them cute scenes. 

Kermit: "Let me read you a couple of quotes here. Uh, let's see... Santa Claus goes on a crash diet every Christmas Eve and loses 200 pounds... There's several kids who believe they have rubber chimneys... A boy on 72nd Street thinks that Santa has very very long arms..."

Danny

That's perfect. Everything that involves Kermit is always perfect, have you noticed that?

Kynan

The idea of Santa sneaking in with the relatives on Thanksgiving and hiding in the laundry is oddly appealing. That's got my vote.

Danny

Now Snuffy's in a Santa hat, and he's getting stuck in a barrel! There's a new surprise every minute on this show.

Kynan

I don't think that the Snuffleupagus puppet has changed, ever. He's always been the same old Snuffy.

Bob: "Oh, Mr Hooper... Happy Chanukah!" 

Mr Hooper: "Thank you, Bob. Merry Christmas to you!"

Danny

Why does Bob wink after he says Happy Chanukah, like it's a big secret? Is Mr Hooper supposed to be Secret Agent Super Jew? 

Kynan

It's not a secret, it's a big joke. Bob is just humoring poor Mr Hooper, who's so delusional that he thinks Chanukah is a real holiday. 

Danny

Hooray for Oscar wreaking havoc! "I Hate Christmas" is up there with "Barbecue" for me. I like seeing him dump snow on Linda, and push Bob's presents into the show. This show does the cynicism for us, which saves us time -- which we can spend going back and making fun of The Christmas Toy.

Kynan

Mr Hooper's take after Oscar breaks the NOEL sign is priceless. Any other show and I'd make fun of him. Here, it's perfect.

Danny

It's back to Ernie and Bert, so stand by for poignancy.

Ernie: "Bert, you open yours up first."

Danny

Not a good idea. He doesn't have working hands, we could be here all day.

Kynan

But he does have a system for opening presents -- getting a scissor, folding the paper -- which is very Bert. As is his instant enthusiasm for the cigar box, even though he doesn't know what it's for.

Danny

Yeah, and groovy bathrobe on Bert, too. Who knew he had it in him?

Kynan

And Ernie's pajamas are perfect.

Danny

Yeah, he's wearing yellow, like all good children of 1978. We were so big with the yellow and brown back then. Ah, memories.

Kynan

I wonder what they had to barter to get the wrapping paper and ribbons. Maybe that's why Bert's so uptight; he only has one working kidney.

Danny

Ernie and Bert have both given up the thing they love most... and then in comes the Jew, to set things right! Leave it to the Jew! You see, Kynan? It's not all dreidel games after all. Jews have a purpose in this world! Count on the Jew; he will always come through.

Kynan

Here's my problem, though. Mr Hooper gave Bert his paper clips back, in a really neat box -- so he doesn't need the cigar box anymore. And Rubber Duckie came in this great big box, so Ernie doesn't need the soapdish. Mr Hooper just made all the original presents redundant.

Danny

Well, they're just lucky he didn't sell their stuff on Ebay.  I can just see it: RARE VINTAGE ERNIE'S RUBBER DUCKY L@@K!

Bert: "Have yourself a merry little Christmas... Make the yuletide gay..."

Danny

Oo-er! Cause it's Ernie and Bert, get it? Oh, never mind.

Kynan

I have two favorite Muppet Christmas recordings, and they're both Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas. The Bert and Ernie version only beats the Rowlf and John Denver version because John Denver is not, technically, a Muppet.

Danny

So here's Patty sitting in Big Bird's nest in the snow. Does the girl have parents?

Kynan

Do ANY of the Sesame kids have parents? Bob keeps like nine of them in his apartment. 

Danny

I hope he at least has a permit.

Kynan

Patty turning and saying "Merry Christmas" is the cutest thing since the last really cute thing.

Danny

Which was about ten seconds ago. I really like this show.

Kynan

And now Big Bird sits and waits on the roof -- sacrificing his own comfort on Christmas Eve to make sure that everyone gets presents. I'm tearing up.

Danny

Don't worry, Big Bird. It doesn't matter if Santa can't get down the chimney. Who needs Santa Claus, anyway? We have The Jew!

Maria: "Big Bird is missing?"

Susan: "We're going over to Grover's to check."

Kynan

I want to live somewhere where the first step in a missing person investigation is "going over to Grover's." Anthony LaPaglia never goes over to Grover's to check.

Maria: "I'm gonna check over there."

Kynan

That's the problem with a massive search party on Sesame Street: Sesame Street only has one location. If he's not at Hooper's Store, then he's not anywhere.

Danny

I like Maria getting mad, and pulling Oscar out of his can by the scruff of his neck.

Oscar: "What's the big deal? He lives out doors all the time anyway!"

Maria: "Now look here, Oscar. The nest is something different -- that's his home. He's got an electric blanket there, and he's got heating pads, and he's around all the people that he loves."

Danny

He's got heating pads? Is that true? Did we know that?

Kynan

Apparently Big Bird's nest is stocked with all the mod cons of a 50's bomb shelter.

Kynan

Gordon physically forcing Big Bird into his apartment really embodies the true spirit of Christmas.

Danny

Look at those stockings. Susan is getting a Kewpie doll, and Gordon's getting a toy ukelele and a grapefruit. Bold choices from Santa Claus here.

Kynan

Gordon has ALWAYS wanted a grapefruit.

Danny

Well, now everyone's together, and they're all happy... except for Patty's mother, of course. Whatever happened to her?

Kynan

My gosh, I'd forgotten. We'd better go over to Grover's to check.

Danny

Okay. Before we go, for the final time this year: What is Christmas for?

Kynan

Christmas, my friend, is for the fun. It's for the cuteness, it's for the silliness, it's for Cookie Monster eating telephones and typewriters. And, ultimately, it's for stuffing Snuffleupaguses into barrels, in the name of science.

Danny

Yeah, that's what I was thinking it was too. What did you get me for Christmas?

Kynan

Well, I sold my Rugby Tiger doll, so I could buy you this grapefruit. What did you get me?

Danny

I got you this washtub bass, with mother of pearl inlay!

Kynan

Hey, that's just what I wanted! Merry Christmas!

Danny

Frog bless us, every one!