Santa Maybe, Part Five

Sinterklaas

Pete, take the first present out of the sack.

Pete

All right, Sinterklaas. Let’s see who it’s for. It’s for… Bert.

Bert

Ah-hah-hah-ha! Thank you, Sinterklaas!

Ernie

What is it, Bert?

Bert

Oh, how pretty! A pigeon cage made out of marzipan!

Ernie

That’s a pigeon loft.

Bert

Thank you, Sinterklaas!

Ernie

Hey Bert, your chocolate pigeon can live there.

Bert

No, it can’t. I ate that already.

Ernie

Did you eat that chocolate pigeon all by yourself? Keeheehee.

Bert

No, the two of us did. We shared it, right?

Pete

The next present is for… Ernie. And hurry up, please.

Ernie

Oh. It’s a small present. But that doesn’t mean anything. I don’t know what it is.

Bert

What is it, Ernie?

Ernie

I don’t know. Oh, it’s a… it’s a pencil. Thank you, Sinterklaas.

Bert

Let me see. Is it a special pencil, Ernie?

Ernie

No. It’s a regular pencil.

Sinterklaas

That’s just what you wanted, right?

Ernie

What? Uhm, yes, yes. It’s not much, but I don’t mind at all. I’m happy with a small present, too.

Sinterklaas

Good, Ernie. That’s just what I wanted to hear.

Ernie

But a big present is a lot more fun.

Sinterklaas

What was that, Ernie? What did you say?

Ernie

That a big present is… more fun. Bert got a big pigeon loft, and I got a little pencil.

Grover

I did not get anything. Nothing!

Sinterklaas

The sack is not empty yet.

Pete

The next present is for… Bert.

Grover

Bert again?! Bert got something already!

Sinterklaas

Don’t be greedy, Grover.

Grover

I am not greedy! All I am saying is that Bert got a present already and I did not.

Ernie

What could that be, Bert?

Bert

There’s another wrapping paper… Ooooh! That says “Ernie”!

Ernie

It’s for me. It’s round, and fat. It looks like a ball… Hey, look, more paper. And it says: “For Grover”!

Grover

Ooooh! A ball! I hope it is a ball, I love balls… IT IS A BALL! Thank you, Sinterklaas, for the pretty ball!

Sinterklaas

Maybe you could sing for me.

Ernie

We already did that. Can I ask you something, Sinterklaas? That beard of yours, is that a real beard?

Sinterklaas

Of course it’s a real beard.

Bert

Can’t you see that, Ernie?

Ernie

Can I pull it?

Grover

No, do not do that, Ernie!

Sinterklaas

Ow!!

Ernie

It’s real.

Pete

You hurt Sinterklaas!

Grover

What have you done?!

Sinterklaas

(whispers) Pete, shall we leave? It hurts when they pull my beard.

Pete

(whispers) Let’s go. We’ll have a drink.

Sinterklaas

(whispers) Let’s hit the road.

Ernie

I, I, I… I didn’t realize that hurt you, Sinterklaas.

Sinterklaas

I’d better go.

Bert

Now Sinterklaas is leaving. That’s your fault because you pulled his beard.

Ernie

I did not know that…

Sinterklaas

I’m not pulling your hair either, am I?

Grover

I told you so! Please stay, because I have not gotten enough presents yet!

Sinterklaas

Well, then we’ll stay.

Grover

I have to have more!

Sinterklaas

Do you want to sing some more for me?

Ernie

All right.

Bert

Ernie? Sing that song about “Peppernuts and Apples”. Sinterklaas will like that. And you sing it beautifully.

Grover

I do not know that song.

Ernie

Would you like that, Sinterklaas?

Sinterklaas

I have to hear it first.

Ernie

All right, it goes like this.

Peppernuts and apples, you won’t believe your eyes

Peppernuts and apples, better than french fries

The apples are healthy, but peppernuts are wrong

Peppernuts and apples, that’s the end of the song

Bert

Ah-hah-hah-ha!

Ernie

Keeheehee. That’s the end. It’s a short song. I learned it from someone I met on the street.

Sinterklaas

I don’t know what to say. Could you sing it again?

Ernie

Yes, but Bert has to sing along.

Bert

No, I can’t sing very well. I won’t sing. Rather not.

Sinterklaas

In the song, you say “Apples are healthy.” That’s true.

Ernie

That’s why I sang it.

Sinterklaas

Could you sing it again?

Ernie

All right. Pay attention, Saint.

Sinterklaas

I’m listening.

Ernie

Peppernuts and apples, you won’t believe your eyes

Peppernuts and apples, better than french fries

The apples are healthy, but peppernuts are wrong

Peppernuts and apples, that’s the end of the song

Sinterklaas

Yes. Hahahaha. It’s short, but to the point. Peppernuts aren’t healthy, but they’re delicious. Pete, throw some candy around.

Pete

I don’t have that much left anymore.

Sinterklaas

Yes. We still have a long way to go, so…

Pete

I lost a few peppernuts on the way. There’s a hole in my sack.

Sinterklaas

You always do that. How did you like that song?

Pete

I… kind of liked it.

Sinterklaas

You think you can do it?

Pete

Of course.

Sinterklaas

Try it. I’m curious.

Pete

(impatiently)

Peppernuts and apples, you won’t believe your eyes

Peppernuts and apples, better than french fries

The apples are healthy, but peppernuts are wrong

Peppernuts and apples, that’s the end of the song

And now we really have to go, Saint.

Sinterklaas

Ernie sang it better. I thought Ernie sang it better. We have to be going.

Bert

By the way, you have a beautiful beard, Sinterklaas.

Sinterklaas

You think so? I think it’s kind of short.

Bert

No, I think it’s very long. I’ve never seen such a long beard before. How did it get so long?

Grover

Did the kids pull it?

Sinterklaas

No, I grew it for a few hundred years.

Grover

That is a long time.

Sinterklaas

Every now and then I trim it, but it could have been a little longer. But then I’d trip on it. This is a pleasant length, a bit short. But still handy.

Ernie

Is that something you want, Bert? A long beard like that?

Bert

Could I get such a long beard? I’d like it.

Sinterklaas

It’ll take some time, but it’s possible. You’ll have to let your facial hair grow, without cutting. Then you’ll get a beard.

Bert

And when you’re sleeping, is your beard over the covers or under the covers?

Sinterklaas

Over the covers. That feels better. It’s too warm under the covers. But try to grow such a long beard. Maybe it’ll work.

Grover

And so white. How did you get it so white?

Sinterklaas

It’s white because I’m so old. In the beginning, my beard was black.

Ernie

That’s fun too. A black beard.

Sinterklaas

Yes, but as you grow older it turns gray, and white later. I like white best.

Pete

Sinterklaas, we’d better be going.

Bert

How long will it take before I get a beard like yours?

Sinterklaas

Well, that’s hard to estimate. Some beards grow faster than others. For a beard my size, you’d have to wait for fifty years. Or longer.

Bert

That’s a long time. I’d better think about that some more.

Pete

But we can’t wait for that.

Sinterklaas

Indeed. On another subject, could I use your toilet, please?

Bert

Toilet? Ernie, what’s a…

Pete

Sinterklaas has to go to the bathroom.

Ernie

See, Bert? Sinterklaas is just a nice man, and… Bert, did you remember to flush earlier?

Bert

Hold it!

Sinterklaas

I’d rather not. I really have to go.

Bert

No, I was talking to Ernie.

Sinterklaas

I’d like to go to the toilet now.

Bert

Just go this way, Dear Holy Man.

Pete

Wait, I’ll go take something out of the car. I’ll be back soon.

Grover

This way, Helper Pete! You have to go that way!

Ernie

See, Bert?

Bert

See what? I don’t see anything.

Ernie

Saint and Pete don’t ride on the roof on a white horse. They arrived in a car.

Bert

Ohhh, yeah… I see, Ernie. But it’s a white car.

Bert

Oooh, look at that, Ernie! Look through the window. See that? Pete is taking another big sack out of the car!

Ernie

Could that be for us too?

Bert

If we sing really beautifully, maybe we’ll still get that sack, Ernie.

Ernie

If you try to sing beautifully, there’s not a chance we’re getting that sack.

Bert

Why?!

Ernie

You sing off key.

Bert

We have to be extra nice and kind and gentle to each other, and sing beautifully. Let’s sing. Uhm. Yes. (stutters nervously)

Ernie

What are we going to sing? Look, we’re going to sing, and they come in, and then we’re sitting here singing beautifully, and then Sinterklaas comes, and… We’re going to sing “What a Surprise”.

Bert

Yeah! How?

Bert & Ernie

What a surprise! Who’d have thought of that!

Look at that now — did you expect such a thing?

What a surprise! Good morning, good day!

Bert

You get a big box

And you think you’re lucky

Open it up

And it’s a big bummer!

Bert & Ernie

What a surprise! Who’d have thought of that!

Look at that now — did you expect such a thing?

What a surprise! Good morning, good day!

Ernie

What a tiny silly present

You can hardly see it

It can’t be anything interesting —

Well, you won’t believe your eyes!

Bert & Ernie

What a surprise! Who’d have thought of that!

Look at that now — did you expect such a thing?

What a surprise! Good morning, good day!

Ernie

You won’t always get what you wanted

Bert

Maybe you want more

Ernie

Then you just laugh, and think, oh well

Bert

That’ll happen some other time

Bert & Ernie

What a surprise! Who’d have thought of that!

Look at that now — did you expect such a thing?

What a surprise! Good morning, good day!

What a surprise! Who’d have thought of that!

Look at that now — did you expect such a thing?

What a surprise! Good morning, good day!