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December 6, 2017

Wilkins, Wontkins, and the Dangers of Off-Brand Coffee

Filed under: Feature,Fun Stuff — Joe Hennes @ 1:11 pm

In 1957, Jim Henson took on a client that provided a challenge.  He needed to create a series of advertisements with only about eight seconds to sell their product.  In those early days of the Muppets, Jim chose to alert audiences of the quality of Wilkins Coffee with a loose translation of the first rule of Muppet endings (because in eight seconds, all you really have time for is an ending): explosions.  (Of course, the second and third rules involving eating Muppets and penguin throwing aren’t too far off either.)

Yes, it has been a full 60 years since Wilkins and Wontkins first graced American television sets, serving as a tease for the decades of amazing Muppet content those audiences would eventually get to see.  Fast-paced humor, family friendly violence, and a new way to play with the medium of television were the sparks that would someday lead to the world’s most recognized Frog and his band of Muppet misfits.

But that’s not the only thing for which Wilkins and Wontkins are responsible.  They have also been providing a civil service, warning the public of the dangers of drinking off-brand beverages.  Haven’t you ever wondered why every coffee shop, diner, and breakfast nook is equipped with Wilkins Coffee?  Sure, the label may say Folgers or Maxwell House, but we all know there’s good, old fashioned Wilkins in those grounds.

How do we know this?  Well, when was the last time you were flattened by a steamroller?

Today, we no longer have Wilkins commercials to warn coffee drinkers about the dangers of Brand X.  Wilkins and Wontkins have been relegated under glass in a museum exhibit.  It’s up to us to help pass along Jim Henson’s message and save lives.

Friends, just think what might happen to you if you drank the wrong coffee.  Why, you could get shot with a cannonball…

Or shot with a cannon…

Thrown out of an airplane…

Or hot air balloon…

Or another airplane…

Run over by a train…

Eaten by cannibals…

Given the “Sweeney Todd” treatment…

Cut in half in a Snidley Whiplash-esque murder machine…

Stabbed in the heart…

Stabbed in the face…

Nailed in the head…

Pushed off a mountaintop…

Electrocuted…

Flattened…

Flattened…

Flattened…

Flattened…

Tarred and/or feathered…

Given the Marie Anoinette treatment…

Or simply murdered, shot at point-blank range by someone you thought was your friend.

So do yourself a favor.  Listen to sixty years of experience and be smart about your coffee drinking choices.  Be a Wilkins, not a Wontkins.

Or else.

Click here to choose Brand X or the ToughPigs forum!

by Joe Hennes – Joe@ToughPigs.com



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