Part Two : My Secret Love
Kermit and Miss Piggy
on Bob Hope’s Birthday Special, 1978
| [ Kermit enters. ] | |
| Kermit
|
This man, Bob Hope… What can I say about him? What a wonderful man! I mean, what — from this little froggy heart, anything I might say to you might sound… well, it might sound… |
| Piggy
|
[ offscreen ] Boring. Just introduce me. |
| Kermit
|
Uh, yes, ma’am. |
| Piggy
|
Thank you. |
| Kermit
|
Ladies and gentlemen, that queen of pigdom, the femme fatale of the Muppet world, the incomparable superstar… Miss Piggy! |
| [ Piggy enters, to great applause. ] | |
| Piggy
|
Oh, thank you! Kissy kissy! Thank you! Oh! You must be so glad to see me. Where is Bobby? Bobby! Bobby? |
| Kermit
|
Who? |
| Piggy
|
Bobby! My Bobby Hope! My Roberto! Where is that hunk? |
| Kermit
|
That — that hunk? |
| Piggy
|
Oh, now, Kermie… don’t you be jealous! You see, Bob and I have that special relationship that happens only once between a man and a pig. [ sigh ] I’m sorry, Dolores, but the truth had to come out. Where is he… Bobby! Bobby! |
| Kermit
|
Well, he’s up in that first balcony up there. |
| Piggy
|
Where? |
| Kermit
|
Right up there. |
| Piggy
|
Bob-bee! I must pay tribute to my Bobby… and yes, yes, I am going to sing. |
| Kermit
|
Uh. I’ll wait in the car. |
| Piggy
|
Ho, wait! Kermie… For this song, I need to look in someone’s eyes. Will you help me? |
| Kermit
|
What do I do? |
| Piggy
|
Be Bob Hope. |
| Kermit
|
What? |
| Piggy
|
Yes, please. You see, I need to sing to Bob Hope, and he’s up there, so… please, please! |
| Kermit
|
There’s no way I could be Bob Hope. No, no, absolutely not — no, Miss Piggy, I have no — |
| Piggy
|
Please, please, Kermie… you’re embarrassing me… |
| Kermit
|
I can not be Bob Hope. |
| Piggy
|
Ker-mie… they’re all looking… [ to audience: ] Ex-cuse us… |
| Kermit
|
Everybody knows I’m not… |
| Piggy
|
Kermie… |
| Kermit
|
I have these ping pong ball eyes… I’m green… Everybody knows what Bob Hope looks like… |
| Piggy
|
I don’t care… will you… this is not the time… I’m a woman… |
| Kermit
|
I can’t do this! Of course not. There’s no way, Piggy… |
| Piggy
|
Kermit! Kermit! |
| Kermit
|
What? |
| Piggy
|
Do it because I love you. |
| Kermit
|
No! |
| Piggy
|
Do it because I need you! |
| Kermit
|
No! |
| Piggy
|
[ growls ] Do it or I’ll cut ya in half! |
| Kermit
|
[ gulps ] |
| Piggy
|
Thank you. |
| Kermit
|
What do I do? |
| Piggy
|
Well, you stand here, and you be Bobby Hope, okay? And I shall re-enter and sing to you. All right? Uh, Roberto — I’m singing to the frog — but this is really pour vous. |
| Kermit
|
Uh, Roberto? I really doubt if this is gonna work. |
| Piggy
|
Just do it. |
| Kermit
|
Okay. Be Bob Hope, Bob Hope, Bob… |
| Piggy
|
Be good. |
| Kermit
|
Yeah, yeah, let me just prepare here. [ He turns around and messes with his face a bit, then turns to the audience. ] Hi, this is Bob what am I doing here Hope… But seriously, a funny thing happened on the way to the theater… |
| Piggy
|
Hel-lo, Mr. Hope! |
| Kermit
|
Please. Pig. I’m in the middle of my monologue. |
| Piggy
|
Don’t push it, frog. |
| Kermit
|
Sorry. |
| Piggy
|
Oh, Roberto, I have worshipped you from afar. And tonight, I worship you — from anear. |
| Kermit
|
From a what? |
| Piggy
|
Anear. |
| Kermit
|
You worship me from an ear? |
| Piggy
|
Yes, I do. |
| Kermit
|
Frogs don’t have ears. |
| Piggy
|
I’ll worship you in the hospital in a second. Ahem. And my dear, dear, sweet, sweet Kermie… |
| Kermit
|
Uh, Bob. |
| Piggy
|
Bobby… I would like — in a musical way — to tell you about what has been, to this moment, My Secret Love. Hit it, Donnie-poo! (Just shut up and look humble.) |
| Kermit
|
[ gulps ] |
| Piggy
|
[ sings, caressing Kermit ]Once, I had a Secret Love
That lived within the heart of me |
| Kermit
|
Careful. I’m ticklish. |
| Piggy
|
All too soon, my Secret Love |
| Kermit
|
This is you, Bob! |
| Piggy
|
Became impatient to be free… |
| Kermit
|
[ coughs on Piggy’s boa ] Ahem. Feathers. |
| Piggy
|
So I told a friendly starThe way that dreamers often do
Just how wonderful vous are |
| Kermit
|
You’re making a fool of yourself. |
| Piggy
|
Will you please?And why… I’m so in love with you. |
| Kermit
|
You’re making a fool of all of us. |
| Piggy
|
[ tackles Kermit ]NOW — I shout it from the highest hills
(Will ya PLEASE?) Even told the golden — uff! — daffodils… [ Kermit struggles. Piggy tosses him aside. ] Oh, forget it… Bobby! At last, my heart’s an open door! |
| Kermit
|
You’re upstaging me! |
| Piggy
|
Will ya please? |
| Kermit
|
You’re wrecking the whole song! |
| Piggy
|
And my Secret Love’s… |
| Kermit
|
A dumb idea. |
| Piggy
|
No Secret… |
| Kermit
|
No one would believe this, anyhow. What a — what a HAM this is! |
| Piggy
|
Oh, fer cryin’ out loud… Hiiiii-YAAAA![ Piggy karate chops Kermit, and stomps him into the ground. Then she takes a breath and finishes her song. ]
Any – moooooore. Mwa! Mwa! Kissy kissy! [ Stomp! ] Kissy kissy! Happy birthday, Bobby! |
| Kermit
|
[ Kermit gets up, crushed and flattened. ] |
|
Piggy
|
Kissy kissy! Happy birthday! [ Their podium moves offstage… ] |
by Danny Horn
