Kermit and Piggy: That Magnificent Hankering, Part Four

Published: February 4, 2002

Part Four : Not a Rules Girl
Kermit and Miss Piggy
on The 31st Annual Emmy Awards, 1979

	[ Kermit enters, wearing a tuxedo. ]
Kermit	Thank you! It is indeed an honor to be in front of such an illustrious looking group. And, uh. Do you like my tuxedo? [ Applause ] Thank you! I mean, I usually work nude, y’know. But at this time, though, folks, I would like to bring out somebody I’m sure you’d like to meet. She is truly the superstar of The Muppet Show — the one and only, the fantabulous — Miss Piggy! Yaaay!
	[ Miss Piggy enters, wearing a black and gold gown, with matching hat and feather boa. ]
Piggy	Oh, kissy kissy! Mwa! Mwa! Kissy kissy! Oh yes! Thank you, thank you! Oh, they love me so.
Kermit	Yes, they do.
Piggy	Well! Doesn’t my frog look dashing!
Kermit	Yes. And, um, you look, uh, you look ravishing, yourself.
Piggy	Thank you. It is tres, tres au courant.
Kermit	Beg pardon?
Piggy	It’s French.
Kermit	Oh.
Piggy	Ladies and gentlemen, it is such a thrill for moi to be here with my frog as host and hostess of these Emmy Awards.
Kermit	Uh. What?
Piggy	May I have the envelope, please?
Kermit	No, no, Miss Piggy. There must be some mistake. Y’see, we’re not out here as hosts of the show. We’re here to read the rules.
Piggy	[ stares at Kermit ] What?
Kermit	Yeah. Y’see, they just want us to read the rules.
Piggy	You are putting me on.
Kermit	No! That — that’s it.
Piggy	Are you out of your MIND?
Kermit	Well, what’s wrong?
Piggy	Kermit — ahem, excuse me — I did NOT spend six hours with Monsieur Jacques of Encino to read lousy RULES!
Kermit	You see, how can you put on awards unless people know how they were nominated in the first place?
Piggy	Who CARES?
Kermit	Piggy…
Piggy	Don’t you Piggy me! I just want you to know how embarrassed I am…
Kermit	Listen, Piggy…
Piggy	I am a MOVIE star — I do not need this!
Kermit	They just invited us out here to read the rules, c’mon now…
Piggy	This is a cheap and tawdry show… I do not…
Kermit	You’re making a — you’re embarrassing us out in front of the most important people in show business!
	[ Piggy pouts. ]
Kermit	I’m sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen.
Piggy	You only like these shows because they have a green room.
Kermit	Ahem. The rules.
Piggy	Oh, brother.
Kermit	All nominees for Emmy Awards were made by members of the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences…
	[ Piggy sighs and taps her foot. ]
Kermit	… and some members of the National Academy of Television Arts and Sciences, voting in their specialization.
Piggy	Bo — ring…
Kermit	Ah. Winners were chosen in secret balloting…
	[ Piggy yawns. ]
Kermit	… by blue ribbon panels, and those ballots… given…
	[ Piggy whistles. ]
Kermit	[ hurries: ] … those ballots given directly to representatives of our independent accountants —
Kermit, with Piggy in mocking baby talk	… Price Waterhouse and Company…
Kermit	You finished?
Piggy	I don’t know.
Kermit	Okay. Here’s the last sentence. The ballots were tabulated by them, and their representatives are here tonight with the results. And that is the rules, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much, and, uh, c’mon, let’s go, Miss Piggy.
Piggy	No.
Kermit	But we’re finished.
Piggy	I’m NOT.
Kermit	But they got a whole show to do here.
Piggy	I. Don’t. Care.
Kermit	But, Piggy…
Piggy	I am not leaving until I get a close-up. [ Applause ]
Kermit	All right, Piggy… we gotta get off the stage!
Piggy	No! No! I owe this to Monsieur Jacques. All right, I want a close-up — get the hair, the eyelashes, gimme a single, cut the frog. Just…
Kermit	Piggy… I’m sorry about this, guys… c’mon…
Piggy	Would you get your flippers off my hips!
Kermit	C’mon! Just MOVE the PORK!
Piggy	Move THIS! Hiiiiii-YAAAA! [ Piggy karate chops Kermit, and flounces off the stage. ]