It Feels Like Christmas, Part One

Published: December 21, 2001
Categories: Uncategorized

SCROOOOGE! You will be visited tonight by three Muppet interviews — the Interviews of Christmas Past, the Interviews of Christmas Present, and the Interviews of Christmas Yet to Come.

Well, actually, I don’t have any Interviews of Christmas Yet to Come. So I guess we’re just going to have to settle for one Interview of Christmas Present and then a bunch of things from Christmas Past. Is that all right with you?

lklivePart One : Kind of a Sad Christmas
Johnny Fiama and Sal on Larry King Live
December 24, 1996

Larry


We’re here with two of the great stars of the Muppets — Johnny Fiama, and his bodyguard Sal. They have their own program as well. And then later, Michael Feinstein will be here with his wonderful piano and repertoire of songs. Anyway, we start things off by welcoming a singer, a crooner, a showman, a great host in his own right, one of the kings of Las Vegas — Johnny Fiama!
Sal


That’s right! Johnny Fiama, right here on Larry King!
Larry


Hold on, let me introduce him.
Sal


What, what? Oh, oh, all right.
Johnny


Sal… Larry’s introducing me.
Sal


Aw, I’m sorry. I’m sorry there, Mister K.
Larry


Okay. Johnny, welcome to Larry King Live.
Johnny


Thank you very much, Larry. What a pleasure to be on your holiday show.
Larry


It’s my pleasure to have you. Now, Sal, what is your — what is your job? Are you a bodyguard? What do you do?
Sal


Well, actually, usually I introduce Johnny Fiama. No, no, I’m actually his bodyguard. I keep him clean. I picked out that little holly for him, and yeah, y’know, I take care of him.
Larry


But you’re a monkey.
Sal


Well, yeah, I am a monkey. I’m sort of like a simian security guard, y’know?
Larry


I see. How did you meet him, Johnny?
Johnny


Oh, well, I’ll tell ya. It’s a long story. My mother was making Thanksgiving dinner, and, well, he happened to be at Kresge’s — I don’t know if you remember, that’s a chain of stores —
Larry


I remember Kresge’s.
Johnny


Yeah, and he was having a little ice cream, I said, Ma, there’s a monkey eating ice cream, and she said bring him home.
Sal


Yeah, that’s right. And y’know what? Then I came home, and I ate the ice cream. And we had spaghetti and stuff.
Larry


That’s, like, a nothing story. I mean, I thought there would be such a big story, but — you saw him eating ice cream, and the mother brings him home?
Johnny


Well, life’s a simple thing, isn’t it, Larry.
Sal


And then we ran a barber shop for a while.
Larry


Were you a singer first, and then a TV host?
Johnny


Well, yes. Yes. I’ve always been a singer. It goes back a long time, I’ll tell you. I sang with some of the greats.
Larry


Like…
Johnny


Well — don’t let me go into it, but — Nelson Riddle. Okay. Artie Kaiser.
Larry


Artie Kaiser?
Johnny


Yes. Kay Kaiser’s brother.
Larry


Billy May?
Johnny


Billy May. Yes.
Larry


You had a career somewhat akin to Sinatra.
Johnny


Well… Yes. We’re very close friends, Frank and I. Happy birthday, Frank, by the way.
Larry


And you’re in the same idiom, like, Italian…
Johnny


I’m sorry — did he call me an idiot?
Larry


No — idiom, idiom.
Sal


I think actually he did call you an — did you call Johnny Fiama an idiot?
Larry


No! I would never do that!
Sal


Hey, listen, Larry, I want you to know — we didn’t get dressing rooms! There was no dressing room for Johnny, nothin’!
Johnny


Sal… It’s all right…
Sal


No audience to applaud…
Johnny


No, okay, Sal…
Sal


I wasn’t allowed to introduce him…
Johnny


Excuse me, Larry… I’m going to speak to Sal in Italian for a moment.
Sal


No, I really don’t think it’s right!
Johnny


Sal — basta! [speaks to Sal in angry Italian for a moment]
Sal


Sorry, Johnny.
Johnny


Sorry, Larry. Excuse us.
Sal


Sorry there, Mister K.
Larry


Okay, it’s all right. No, you can get mad, you’re entitled. I think you should have had a dressing room. And I’m sorry to see that you hadn’t.
Johnny


No. It’s okay.
Larry


Okay.
Sal


No, it isn’t, really. All right, I’ll drop it.
Larry


What do you do on that show? Do you sing?
Johnny


I do a little singing, yes, and I also —
Larry


[to Sal] Wait a minute. What are you doing?
Sal


Excuse me?
Larry


What are you doing?
Sal


Oh, I’m doing my hair.
Johnny


Sal…
Larry


That’s very distracting. What are you doing?
Sal


Well, I was just taking care of my hair. It’s very important, y’know.
Larry


Does he do that on your program?
Johnny


Yes, he does, Larry.
Larry


Does he attempt to steal your show?
Johnny


Yes. Yes. If you don’t mind, Sal — we’re on Larry King!
Sal


I’m sorry.
Larry


When you have guests…
Johnny


Yes.
Larry


You talk to the guests.
Johnny


Yes, I do.
Larry


What does Sal do?
Johnny


Sal, uh… well, he usually brings cannolis.
Sal


I bring cannolis and I bodyguard.
Johnny


Right. He makes sure everything goes real well.
Larry


You bodyguard… Does Johnny ever have threats on his life?
Sal


Well, yeah. Sometimes.
Larry


And you protect him.
Sal


Oh, yeah. You know, when we go to the grocery store and stuff like that, sometimes we’ll be trying to get in the line, and there’ll be some, y’know, some big lady in the way, so, you know, I get her out of the way so that Johnny can get to the register.
Johnny


Yeah, y’know, or prosciutto’s like $12.99 a pound, and I say, Sal, this is too expensive, and they lower it.
Larry


So you push her out of the way.
Sal


Yeah, I push her out of the way. I negotiate with the butcher. That sort of thing.
Larry


Okay. You got an important job, then, Sal.
Sal


Yeah. You know.
Larry


Okay. You guys are branching out on Muppets Tonight. I understand you have your own talk show, and Tony Bennett was a guest.
Johnny


Yes, he was. Oh. What a pleasure. What a pleasure he is.
Larry


He’s a real hero of yours, right?
Johnny


Oh my, yes. He is such a fabulous man. And we have so many things in common, Tony and I.
Larry


Like what?
Johnny


Well, we both love linguini marinara. And we both realized that, really, the only thing that you can’t get in LA, that you can get in New York, is good bread.
Sal


That’s true!
Johnny


Because of the water.
Larry


Wait a minute. This is something you have in common with Tony Bennett?
Johnny


Yes.
Sal


He’s a great bread connoisseur, you know.
Johnny


Tony loves bread.
Sal


He sure does.
Larry


How about singing?
Johnny


Oh. Well. Yeah. He’s a master. I mean, he needs a little help every now and then, but he’s doing good.
Larry


Okay. Your show is — you have an audience, right? You’re like The Tonight Show or Letterman, right?
Johnny


Well, uh… Yes.
Larry


Sal, are you on camera when you bring him on?
Sal


Oh, yeah. I kind of rare up the audience, and get them going, and I get the audience to applaud — because, you know, if they don’t applaud, they got me to answer to later.
Larry


I see. You’re a tough guy.
Sal


Well, yeah. I’m a tough monkey.
Larry


Okay. So you get ’em all revved up.
Johnny


He’s kind of like the Ed McMahon. If I may.
Sal


I’m kind of the — y’know what, Larry? I’m kind of the funny one. [Johnny glares at him] It’s not really true. Actually, Johnny’s just as funny, at least.
Johnny


Why am I here? Why — why am I here?
Sal


Hey, you need to fix your holly there? Your holly’s a bit crooked there.
Johnny


All right, okay, all right.
Larry


Why do you tolerate him, Johnny?
Johnny


Well… I feel sorry for him, Larry, to tell you the truth. I mean, the guy’s had a hard life. He’s all right; he’s just a little hyperactive, that’s all.
Larry


But, I mean… you have an enormous amount of understanding… I don’t mean to talk in your presence, Sal.
Sal


What?
Larry


Well, you have problems… and Johnny’s awful nice to…
Sal


Well, he is awful nice. You know? He gave me this ring on my finger, but I lost the stone.
Johnny


Yeah. He lost the stone.

Sal

I didn’t lose the stone, actually. I know where it is. It’s at a pawn shop. I can get it back. And he gave me this necklace, here…
Johnny


You pawned the stone?
Sal


What?
Johnny


You pawned the stone.
Sal


Well, yeah, I did. How do you think I got the video machine?
Johnny


I thought, but… What’s the matter with you?
Sal


Well, I can get it back.
Johnny


I can’t… I can’t believe you pawned the stone! I’m not getting it back!
Larry


He pawned the stone.
Sal


It’s all right. It was Johnny’s father’s ring.
Larry


Let’s talk a little about Christmas. What did you get, Johnny, for Christmas?
Johnny


Well, I got quite a few things. Sal gave me a few things. He gave me a razor, and some cufflinks.
Sal


And I gave you those kerchiefs.
Johnny


Yeah, he gave me kerchiefs with my initials on it.
Sal


No, it’s true, you know what I do? I take my hair and I can weave it up, and then I make ’em into kerchiefs. Kinda smelly, but they’re nice.
Larry


How do you do that?
Sal


Well, y’know what, I take my hair — you see how loose my hair is? Y’see? I do that, and then I comb it out, and I use what’s left in the comb, and I make up kerchiefs.
Larry


I see. And show ’em how you exercise.
Sal


Oh, that’s for my arms. [Sal throws his arms back and forth.]
Johnny


Gettin’ a little workout there.
Sal


Y’know, being a bodyguard, you gotta be fit. Gotta have those arms ready.
Larry


I see. You’ve gotta be ready at any time. Okay. You have the tree up at your house for Christmas — he lives in your house, Johnny?
Johnny


Yes, he does. We put the tree up the other night.
Larry


Sal, you’re getting a little overexuberant.
Johnny


Sal! Sal.
Sal


What? What?
Johnny


I’m talkin’. I’m talkin’.
Sal


Oh — oh, sorry, Johnny. I’m sorry.
Johnny


We put up the tree the other night. Sal put the little angel on the top.
Sal


Yeah, that’s right. Only, y’know what? I stepped out on the tree, and it overbalanced.
Johnny


Yeah. Busted the angel’s head right off.
Sal


I know. And I landed right on the cat.
Johnny


And then the next thing you know, the lights blow, and the tree’s on fire…
Sal


That’s right.
Johnny


And Ma gets all upset, so… we don’t have a tree.
Sal


Yeah, and we burned the cat as well.
Johnny


It looks better.
Larry


So, it’s kind of a sad Christmas, in a sense.
Johnny


Well, no, no.
Sal


Are you kiddin’? You shoulda heard last year. That’s a good year.
Johnny


Yeah. Things are going really well.
Larry


Now, you’ve got your own Christmas show, right?
Johnny


Oh, yeah — and as a matter of fact, Larry, if I may ask you… Would you like to be on our show?
Larry


Oh… Sal, Johnny… I’d be deeply honored.
Sal


Oh, would you!
Johnny


We would be deeply honored.
Larry


Honored to be on your show…
Sal


We would be more than honored to have you on our show!
Larry


I’d be honored! Doubly honored!
Sal


NO NO NO! We would be MORE honored!
Larry


I’D be honored!
Sal


NO, I’m TELLING you…
Johnny


Sal, Sal… basta!
Sal


Excuse me? I’m sorry, Larry.
Larry


I’d be honored. But how could we do this? I’m in the middle of my show.
Johnny


Well, I’ll tell ya — the funny thing is, is that Sal brought everything over…
Sal


That’s right!
Johnny


And we set it up next door, there.
Larry


Wait — you brought your set here?
Johnny


Yeah.
Larry


So, in other words, we could just — in the next portion, do like a show within a show.
Sal


That’s right!
Johnny


Let’s just jump right to it!
Larry


So, in other words, I’m on your show, while you’re on my show, but we’re doing it from your show’s set.
Sal


That’s right, it’ll be the Johnny Fiama Show in the Larry King Show!
Johnny


Creative, isn’t it?
Larry


Okay. We’re gonna do this. Okay?
Sal


Yeah!
Larry


We’re gonna do it. When we come back, I’m on Johnny’s show. Sal will introduce it, right?
Sal


All right!
Larry


Don’t go away!

Yeah, don’t go away! Next in the Anthology:
Johnny and Sal’s Christmas Eve with Larry King concludes with
The Johnny Fiama Show on the Larry King Show!

by Danny Horn

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