It Feels Like Christmas, Part Five

Published: December 25, 2001

Part Five : The Morning After
Miss Piggy on
The Today Show with Matt Lauer
January 1, 1998

Matt	Many of us this morning — in addition to moving a little slowly — are reflecting on our goals for the New Year. And I’m pleased that my friend, the real Babe, Miss Piggy, has come by to tell us what her resolutions are for 1998.
Piggy	[ Piggy yawns aggressively. She’s dressed in a daring black lace evening gown, and she’s got confetti and streamers in her hair. ]
Matt	Miss Piggy, good morning! Happy New Year. Nice to see you. Thanks for getting up so early!
Piggy	Yeah, whatever.
Matt	Are you not in a good mood this morning?
Piggy	No, I’m fine, Matthew. I mean, you and I had a wonderful night last night, did we not?
Matt	Well, let’s… Let’s not…
Piggy	And thank you for the corsage when you picked me up…
Matt	You’re more than welcome…
Piggy	But the truth is… We both know the truth, that I only agreed to do the show this morning because there was no other way to, uh… dump you.
Matt	What do you mean, dump me?
Piggy	I had six other parties to go to.
Matt	Did you not have a good time with me last night?
Piggy	Matthew… Matthew… Can we just say that when a person picks up a pig for a date, that the New Year’s kiss does not begin at 6:30pm?
Matt	But I was — Look at this outfit! I was inspired.
Piggy	I am exhausted! [ yawn ] Can we get on with the interview, please? I want to go home.
Matt	Well, let me just say that — I thought, in Times Square, at the stroke of midnight, when the ball dropped, there was a certain magic. Did you not feel it?
Piggy	Yes, I did. I felt a certain magic with the crowd, with the event… Would you get this thing off my nose?
Matt	Sure. [ brushes stray confetti off Piggy’s nose ]
Piggy	It’s just that… I think there’s something that you and I should have out in the open.
Matt	Well… Go.
Piggy	It’s over.
Matt	I’m being dumped by a pig!
Piggy	Matthew… it’s just that it’s now getting very close to stalking.
Matt	Let me ask you… Since it is New Year’s Day, and we’ve already been discussing some possible New Year’s resolutions, what are yours?
Piggy	My attitude about moiself: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it! However, I do have some — [ yawn ] — I do have some resolutions for you.
Matt	For me?
Piggy	Mmm hmm.
Matt	Okay. What would they be?
Piggy	Well, I think, first of all, get someone of your own species.
Matt	No cross-dating anymore?
Piggy	No cross-dating. Nothing personal. It’s not you. It’s moi.
Matt	Are you too good for me?
Piggy	Ye-ess… Yes, now that you mention it… [ yawn ]…
Matt	Do you have any other resolutions, for me or anyone else here on the Today Show? Katie, Al, Ann?
Piggy	Katie? I wish she could be cuter.
Matt	How could she be cuter?
Piggy	She’s just not perky enough, ya know? It’s just this dead seriousness every morning. Day in! Day out!
Matt	What about Al?
Piggy	Al? Al’s a dear. I’d like to have him talk about weather, but not in this country. I hear nothing about Antigua.
Matt	That’s true.
Piggy	Nothing!
Matt	Al hasn’t done his Antigua forecast in a long time.
Piggy	When has he done that?
Matt	Never.
Piggy	Fine. Your hand is in my shot.
Matt	I’m sorry. Ann Curry? Anything for Ann?
Piggy	I just think that Ann, when she does the news… She could do it walking. I think it would bring some motion to the show. Walk back and forth. Mm-hmm. I’m not saying that any of this is funny, Matthew. I’m not suggesting for a moment this is humorous.
Matt	What about Willard? I know you and Willard go way back.
Piggy	Yes, Willard and I exchanged wigs at one time.
Matt	Do you have a resolution for Mr. Scott, for the New Year?
Piggy	Yes, I resolve that — well, I call him Scotty — that next year, he and I will go out on the date that you and I went out this year.
Matt	Can I ask you one question?
Piggy	No. I hope it’s a funny straight line.
Matt	If you dumped me a few minutes ago, why do you keep putting your hand on my leg?
Piggy	Well, I’m only a pig. And there are temptations, Matthew.
Matt	I’m not complaining. I’m just asking.
Piggy	It’s not that I like any part of you. It’s just this darn knee. It’s this darn knee that just gets to me. The rest of you — we could just take a taxi on. It’s the knee that drives me absolutely wahongas.
Matt	Well, let’s do this. Let’s not be so rushed…
Piggy	Did you ever play football?
Matt	No, I didn’t.
Piggy	Okay, good. That knee’s in good shape, then.
Matt	Let’s not be quite so rash in our decision never to see one another again. Let’s let the year progress, and possibly if I were to call you as the next holiday season approaches, you might reconsider?
Piggy	Mmm-mmm. No way. No way, Renee.
Matt	Well, it was fun while it lasted, Miss Piggy.
Piggy	Yeah. Can we end the interview now? I want to go home, get in my jammies.
Matt	You can go home, but… can I have one final kiss?
Piggy	You mean, after the others? Okay, wait, wait, wait. Let’s get a close-up. This is worth a close-up. Wait, easy!
Matt	Don’t make me beg.
Piggy	Is this an attack dog I have here? [ Matt kisses Piggy’s snout. ]
Matt	Happy New Year, Miss Piggy! We’re gonna be back with more on this New Year’s Day in just a moment. This is Today on NBC! [ He hugs Piggy as they fade out. ]
Piggy	Aaaah! You’re like Katie, now! You’re killing me!