The Decline and Fall of Gorch, Chapter Ten

Published: July 10, 2002
Categories: Uncategorized

10gorchChapter 10
Ring My Bell

in which Scred and Peuta are satisfied customers
(January 17, 1976 — host Buck Henry)

[ Scred enters, carrying a big cardboard box marked “SCRED: c/o Gortch” ]
Scred


Hee hee hee. Oh boy! It finally arrived! It’s here, Peuta!
[ Queen Peuta enters. ]
Peuta


What? What are you talking about?
Scred


Oh, why, the marital aid that I sent away for!
Peuta


Marital aid?
Scred


Yes, your kinkiness!
Peuta


Why, we’re not even married!
Scred


Oh. Well, then it must be an extra-marital aid. Heh heh heh. Let’s see what we have…
[ Scred opens the box and pulls out a weird device — a rusty silver box about the shape of a portable radio, with switches, knobs and a big red lightbulb at the top. ]
Scred


Oh, boy! Look at this!
Peuta


OH! Scred… what is that thing?
Scred


I don’t know! But isn’t it beautiful? And it’s guaranteed to enhance our enjoyment! Hee hee hee hee!
Peuta


Ahhh.
Scred


Oh boy, yeah. This is gonna be fun.
Peuta


Where did you get that thing?
Scred


Oh, I got it in an ad from a magazine I was reading… it’s called Bound and Gagged. Hee hee hee. Oh, this is going to be so much fun… Ploobis is away, it’ll just be the three of us. You… me… and The Monster.
Peuta


Oh, Scred, I’ve never done anything like this before… I’m frightened!
Scred


Oh, don’t worry… there’s an instruction pamphlet that came with it.
Peuta


Very well, then, dear. I’ll be right back. I’m going to slip into my Frederick’s of Hollywood!
Scred


Oooh, la la la!
[ Peuta exits. ]
Scred


Ah, boy. Whatta gal. She may not be beautiful, but she sure knows how to ring my bell. Let’s see, I gotta find those instructions. Oh, yeah, here they are. Uhh… oh, NO!
Peuta


[ offscreen: ] What’s the matter?
Scred


It’s the instructions! I can’t read ’em! They’re in Japanese!
[ Peuta enters, wearing a purple-fringed robe. ]
Peuta


Urrrgghhh. Aren’t they all.
Scred


Aw, don’t worry, I think I’ll be able to figure it out. Yeah. I know what to do. Just get ready there.
Peuta


Oh, I’m so excited! Ha ha! What do you want me to do, Scred?
Scred


Uh… if you could just put your head down on the top of it there.
Peuta


Okay… How should I do it? Like this?
Scred


Yeah, yeah… that looks right. [ Nothing happens. ] Mmm hmm. [ He taps her head. ] Feel anything yet?
Peuta


No. Can’t say I do.
Scred


Oh. Well, here. How about this.
[ He picks up the device and whacks her across the face with it. ]
Scred


Feel anything now?
Peuta


Urrrghh. Hardly. Oh, here. Maybe you’re doing it wrong. Let me try.
Scred


Oh no no no no, give me one more chance!
[ He holds the device up to Peuta’s moogies. The red light flashes, and a siren blares. Peuta moans. ]
Scred


It’s working! It’s… it’s starting to WORK!
[ The siren sounds as they fall to the floor, moaning and giggling. Bits of clothes fly up over the boulders. Peuta screams. ]
Peuta


Oh! OHHH! SCRED! SCRE-E-E-ED!
Scred


OH, your MUTUALNESS! Oh! WHOA!
Peuta


OHHH!
Scred


Oh! Oh! Oh! Your togetherness!
[ The siren fades. Scred and Peuta come up for air. ]
Scred


Oh! WOW! That was something else!
Peuta


Oh. Well… Is that all there is?
Scred


Some people are never satisfied.
[ He dives under her, and they fall to the floor again. ]

illustration by Chris Smigliano

Gorch Fact

There you are, folks. That’s as bizarre and raw as it gets with the Gorch material. The genesis of this sketch was that Henson and Oz weren’t available to perform on the show this week — they may have been in England by this point, working on The Muppet Show — so they did this sketch just for Jerry Nelson and Alice Tweedy.

Personally, I love this sketch. It’s just nuts. The thing I love most about it, actually, isn’t the explicit live Muppet sex. It’s that quiet little moment Scred has in the middle: “Ah, boy. Whatta gal. She may not be beautiful, but she sure knows how to ring my bell.” There’s something adorable and authentic about him in that moment; all of a sudden, the revolting little creature has this complex emotional moment. Weird as it is, that right moment right there has some kind of Muppet Magic essence — that even in the strangest, wildest sketch, the characters have this little authentic spark of personhood. Scred is just real.

I mean, stop me if I’m overthinking the sex toy sketch. But there’s something cool there, right? Okay, never mind.

by Danny Horn

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