Chapter 12
Homeless!
in which Ploobis and Scred hit the road
(March 13, 1976 — host Anthony Perkins)
When we last left Gorch, in January 1976, Jim Henson and Frank Oz had gone to England to work on The Muppet Show… leaving Jerry Nelson at Saturday Night Live to do some solo Scred.
Nelson and Alice Tweedy performed the inspired “sex device” sketch on January 17th, and Scred appeared in a bee costume to introduce Neil Sedaka on January 24th… and then almost two months passed before the Muppets appeared on SNL again.
But Henson and Nelson were back from England on March 13th, and they made a horrifying discovery…
| [ Guest host Tony Perkins is on stage, introducing the musical act… when he’s interrupted by Ploobis and Scred. ] | |
| Ploobis
|
Say, Perkins — can we talk to you for a second, here? |
| Tony
|
Who are you guys again? |
| Ploobis
|
Uh, the Muppets, the Muppets. Tell ‘im, Scred. |
| [ There’s a round of applause. Ploobis looks surprised. ] | |
| Scred
|
We were gone for a while… we were over in England, y’know, doing a show over there, and we came back… and, uh, they destroyed our Gorch. |
| Tony
|
… What’s your Gorch? |
| Ploobis
|
Our Gorch! Gorch! Our land! That’s our homeland! That’s our scenery! They just burned it to death. |
| Tony
|
Oh, no. |
| Ploobis
|
Yes, they did. |
| Scred
|
Yeah, we don’t even have a dressing room anymore. There’s a whole bunch of bees out there playing blackjack. |
| Ploobis
|
Well, listen, you’re supposed to be the star of the show, tell me, what are ya gonna DO about it? [ He grabs Tony by the collar. ] |
| Tony
|
Yeah, but I’m just the star of this show. I’m only doing the show this week. I’m not here every week. I’m not the right person to talk to about this. |
| Scred
|
See, I told ya! |
| Ploobis
|
Well, who should we talk to, then? |
| Tony
|
Well, wait a second, we’re right in the middle of a show now. This is the show. You see those red lights? This is the show. Wait a second, go out in the hall and wait for me, and I’ll try to fix this up for you, and I’ll get back to you in a minute. |
| Ploobis
|
No, no, see, you don’t understand… we’re big stars! We get to do our thing! You’re gonna introduce us. We get to do a big — |
| Scred
|
Oh, yeah, they write letters in about us and everything. We gotta do the show. Where’s our spot? |
| Tony
|
Listen, I understand about your spot, but, y’know, that’s show business. The same thing happens to everyone sooner or later. Look at me. I mean, four weeks ago, I was on Broadway in Equus. Now they’ve got me swallowing flies on late-night TV. |
| Ploobis
|
Listen, where’d you get those flies? I’m hungry myself. |
| Scred
|
You could get us on this show. Just try a little friendly persusasion. |
| Tony
|
Tell you what. Go out into the hall, take a right, and you’ll find my dressing room. Just wait there, relax a minute, and I’ll be with you in a little while. |
| Ploobis
|
Well, all right. C’mon, Scred. |
| Scred
|
Thanks a lot, Mr. Gherkins! |
| [ They leave. ] | |
| Tony
|
That’s… that’s Perkins… |
But that’s not all… later on, Tony appears in a sketch where he picks up Gilda Radner in a bar. They work in the same building, and they say “hi” on the elevator all the time. He asks her to sleep with him, and she agrees, amazed at what might happen when you just say “hi” to someone on the elevator. He leads her towards the exit — and on the way, the waitress says “hi,” and the women at a couple of tables say “hi”… Then he spots Scred, in a cubbyhole by the stairs…
| Scred
|
Hi! |
| Tony
|
Uh… you go on upstairs, I’ll meet you in just a second. |
| Gilda
|
Sure. Bye! |
| Tony
|
Bye… |
| Scred
|
Hey, hey, Mr. Merkin, can I talk to you for a little while? |
| Tony
|
Listen, why don’t you just call me Tony? |
| Scred
|
Okay, thank you! Uh — you know, confidentially, I’ve seriously been considering leaving the Muppets… and, y’know, going on to bigger and better things… |
| Tony
|
Did you know that you just interrupted a sketch I was right in the middle of doing? |
| Scred
|
I mean, y’know, I could do Weekend Update. I could be New Talent some week! Yeah, I don’t always have to be a Muppet, y’know! Let’s see. I could play Emily Litella! |
| Tony
|
Yeah, I’m sure you could… |
| Scred
|
No, listen, listen! Ahem. [ puts on falsetto ] “The other day I was sitting at a lunch counter, and a man came in and ordered a cup of coffee and a toasted english Muppet! I was outraged! Besides, the burnt fabric would get stuck in your teeth! I don’t –“ |
| Tony
|
No, no… the man obviously ordered a muffin, Scred — a cup of coffee and a toasted english muffin. |
| Scred
|
“… Never mind.” |
| [ Applause ] | |
| Scred
|
See what I mean? And I can sing, too! Wanna hear me sing? Ahem. I don’t want to set the world on fire, I just wanna start a flame in your heart… |
| [ Ploobis enters from behind Scred. ] | |
| Ploobis
|
Excuse me, what’s going on here, Scred? |
| Scred
|
Oh. Heh heh heh. Nothing, nothing. I was just telling, uh, Mr. Tony, here, how well you sang. |
| Ploobis
|
Oh. Well. That’s very nice. Us Muppets gotta stick together, you know. One for all, and all for one, right, Scred? |
| Scred
|
Yeah. Mmm hmm. Right. |
| Ploobis
|
Hey, listen, you… have you talked to somebody about when we get to do our thing on this show? |
| Tony
|
Working on it. I’m working on it. |
| Ploobis
|
Okay. |
| Tony
|
I’ve spoken to the producer, he’s gonna find something for you… so why don’t you go back to my dressing room, and sing — you know, kind of warm up your voice a little bit. |
| Scred
|
Yeah, they showed us to your dressing room, it’s really nice! It’s got tile all over the wall, and lots of sinks… and bowls… and, hey, how come all the seats have holes in ’em? |
| Ploobis
|
C’mon, Scred. We’ll go back there. There’s a good echo in there, and we can rehearse our singing. |
| [ Ploobis exits. ] | |
| Scred
|
Please, Tony! |
| [ Scred exits. ] | |
| Tony
|
We’ll be right back after these messages… |
Then the Muppets pop up one more time, right at the end of the show. Tony is in front of the curtain, talking to the audience:
| Tony
|
Ladies and gentlemen, we ran a little late… |
| Scred
|
Hey hey hey! Are we supposed to be on? |
| Tony
|
Oh, yes, I almost forgot… ladies and gentlemen — the Muppets! |
| [ Applause ] | |
| Ploobis
|
Oh, thank you… you know, a funny thing happened to me on the way to the studio… |
| [ The closing theme starts, and the rest of the cast comes out on stage… ] | |
| Ploobis
|
Hey, wait a minute — |
| [ Enraged, Ploobis grabs John Belushi by the shirt, pulls him over roughly, and even slaps Belushi in the face. Meanwhile, Scred dances with Gilda. Ploobis pushes Belushi away and yells at the camera. Behind him, Belushi pulls a penknife. As Ploobis screams at the camera, Belushi raises the knife attack Ploobis, and Gilda and Jane Curtin restrain him. The episode ends, with Ploobis unaware of the danger he’s in… ] |
Gorch Fact
At this point, obviously, the Muppets have lost the Saturday Night Live gig, and they’re about to go off to England to do The Muppet Show. Already, Henson and the Muppets are popular, but they’re just on the brink of enormous worldwide success. This is pretty much the last moment when a line like “We’re the Muppets, we’re big stars!” will be a joke, as opposed to an obvious fact.
The end of the Muppets’ SNL gig is described in the autobiography of Henson’s agent, Bernie Brillstein. Brillstein’s book is called Where Did I Go Right?: You’re No One in Hollywood Unless Someone Wants You Dead, and here’s an excerpt from chapter 7:
*****
“At NBC’s insistence, Lorne [Michaels] and I had put Jim Henson and a brand new group of Muppets on Saturday Night Live, but by early 1976, only months into the first season, I had to get the Muppets off.
“In a moment of typical pique, head writer Michael O’Donoghue spoke for the staff when he announced that he ‘would no longer write for fucking felt.’ Good thing Scred, Ploobis and the Mighty Favog weren’t real; his caustic manner would have torn their Muppet hearts in two. His attitude didn’t bother me. Without the Muppets, NBC never would have put the show on the air, and O’Donoghue would have had to ply his perverse talents elsewhere.
“The truth is that O’Donoghue and the rest couldn’t write for felt. Unlike Kermit the frog and Rowlf the dog, these lizard-like Muppets were abstract characters. No one knew how they were supposed to act, and it made the writers uncomfortable. Also, the Muppets needed a gentler touch than the ever-edgier Saturday Night Live scribes could muster. The Muppet and SNL cultures just didn’t mesh.
“Lorne and Jim respected each other and wanted to end things without insult. The solution was to act like their exit was my idea.
“I said, ‘Lorne, I think the Muppets should leave the show.’ Without argument, he agreed to ‘try and get them out.’ “
*****
Remarkably, even after they’d decided that the Muppets would leave, even after they’d been to England to shoot The Muppet Show, even after they burned the sets and John Belushi was threatening Ploobis on-camera with a knife… there’s still three more chapters of the Gorch Anthology left to go! Stay tuned…
by Danny Horn
