The Decline and Fall of Gorch, Chapter Thirteen

Published: July 13, 2002
Categories: Uncategorized

13VazhChapter 13
Don’t Look Down

in which Ploobis and Scred face facts
(April 24, 1976 — host Raquel Welch)

It’s been a month since the Muppets last appeared on Saturday Night Live, and frankly, it’s pretty amazing they’re still sticking around. They’ve already done the “I can stretch as an actor” bit, they’ve already done the “they burned our set and we don’t have a dressing room” bit. What’s left to do? Hit on the guest host, of course…

[ Backstage… Scred and Ploobis sneak in. ]
Scred


C’mon in, chief, the coast is clear.
Ploobis


Rrruhhr? Yeah. Gee, I wonder why they wouldn’t let us in the studio?
Scred


Mmm, I dunno. Probably the guard just didn’t recognize us.
Ploobis


Well, that’s very strange… cause they all know and love us! Everybody loves the Muppets!
Scred


[ unconvinced ] Mmm hmmm.
Ploobis


Here, listen, Scred — [ He grabs Scred by the neck and throttles him ] — We’re loveable! Never forget that, Scred! Mmmrrmm. [ He releases Scred. ]
Scred


Yes, oh affectionate one!
Ploobis


We’ll just have to find somebody and ask ’em when we come in the show, that’s all.
Scred


Hey, here’s somebody now.
[ Guest host Raquel Welch enters. ]
Raquel


Well, hi there! You’re the Muppets, aren’t you?
Ploobis


Uh, yes, yes! That is indeed us, yes.
Raquel


Oh, I always thought you people were so loveable.
Ploobis


Ya hear that, Scred? [ POW! ] That’s true, lady, yeah. We’re known far and wide for being loveable.
Scred


Hey, chief, that lady is Raquel Welch!
[ Ploobis turns and checks her out. ]
Ploobis


Oh… oh, yeah. Well, uh, ahem. Yeah. You sure are Raquel Welch… all over, aren’t you. Ahmmm.
[ Scred strokes her arm. ]
Scred


Feels like Raquel Welch, too!
Raquel


Careful, there.
Ploobis


Uh. You know, uh. Ahem. You know, we Muppets are very, very loveable. I mean. [ He snuggles up to her. ]
Scred


[ whispering in her ear ] Relax, baby. Relax.
Ploobis


You know, as a matter of fact, until you’ve made it with a Muppet, uh…
[ Applause. Raquel laughs. ]
Raquel


Uh, uh… wait a minute, lover. Are you talking about making love to me?
[ Ploobis and Scred giggle. ]
Ploobis


Well, uh… heh heh…
Raquel


Because — you guys are just puppets, right? I mean, you don’t even exist below the waist.
P & S


Uh… well…
[ They look down, nervously. ]
Raquel


I mean, all you are is the top half of a person, right?
Ploobis


Well, uh… yeah, but, uh…
Raquel


So that kind of makes you just a lot of talk. All talk, right?
Scred


Well, I’m pretty good with my hands!
Raquel


I’ve noticed.
[ Chevy Chase enters. ]
Chevy


Uh… I’m sorry, boys. Ploobis, Scred?
Scred


Yeah?
Chevy


You’re not on this week, I’m sorry.
Ploobis


Yeah, but we’re supposed to be… we work this show…
Chevy


Yeah, I know, but I guess you didn’t get the call. I’m sorry, Raquel — is everything okay?
Raquel


Oh, yeah, it’s okay. They’re just all talk anyway.
Ploobis


Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Hunnh. I’m leaving!
[ Ploobis exits. ]
Raquel


Awww…
Scred


Oh, uh… I’m sorry about this, Raquel. And, uh, by the way, I just want to apologize for what I said before, because I can see you get hit on all the time.
Raquel


Yeah, but never by a Muppet before.
Scred


Oh, well, if you’d like my number —
[ Chevy grabs Scred’s snout. ]
Chevy


Scred? Scred? You’re not on this week. Okay?
[ He pushes Scred offstage. ]
Chevy


I’m very sorry about that. They didn’t know, nobody gave them the call — I think the bees or the sharks are on, or something’s on, but you’re doing very well so far, everybody loves the show, the song was great, and uh, all I can say is, relax, and, uh, take your shirt off.
Raquel


Well…
Chevy


Well, Raquel, this is your right as an American. You don’t have to. You don’t have to do that.
Raquel


All right. I don’t have to, right?
Chevy


No, you don’t have to.
Raquel


Cause this is a tasteful show with a lot of class, right?… Now, ladies and gentlemen, I am very pleased to introduce to you a lovely lady, in fact, a genius in the world of contemporary music, Miss Phoebe Snow…

Later on in the show, Raquel does take her shirt off. Also, the Muppets come back:

[ Backstage, in a cobwebby corridor. Scred and Ploobis enter. ]
Ploobis


Oh, Mighty Favog! Are you in here anywhere?
[ Just offstage, The Mighty Favog coughs. ]
Favog


I’M OVER HEAH!
Scred


He’s over here, chief.
Ploobis


I heard his voice…
Scred


Yeah, yeah. Oh wow!
[ They find The Mighty Favog sitting on a crate, abandoned and covered in cobwebs. ]
Ploobis


Oh! Oh, Mighty Favog!
Favog


TALK TA ME.
Ploobis


Listen. Things are in a terrible state?
Favog


YER TELLIN’ ME?
Ploobis


Listen. Our land of Gorch is gone forever.
Scred


Yeah, they burned our scenery.
Ploobis


They burned our scenery… we’re no longer booked on the show… and they said, they said we’re puppets, and we don’t even have a lower half. So what do we do?
Favog


DON’T LOOK DOWN.
Scred


Ohhh… This is terrible! Our world is coming to an end!
Favog


YA WANT YER GOD’S ADVICE?
P & S


Oh, please! Please!
Favog


DON’T BEG… MY ADVICE IS —
Ploobis


Yeah?
Favog


FORGET IT.
Scred


Huh?
Ploobis


Forget it? What do you mean, forget it?
Favog


I MEAN FORGET IT. PACK IT IN. QUIT.
Scred


Oh, no. No, no.
Ploobis


We can’t do that.
Favog


SURE YA CAN. LISTEN. YOU’RE ONLY PUPPETS. YOU’RE NOT EVEN REAL. YOU JUST GET PUT AWAY IN THE TRUNK.
Ploobis


Oh! Oh! Scred — I can’t handle this, Scred.
Scred


Oh, Mighty Favog… where’s the trunk.
Favog


IT’S RIGHT OVER THERE.
Ploobis


Oh, no! Not the trunk, anything but the trunk!
Favog


IT DON’T HURT TO GET IN THE TRUNK. PUPPETS DON’T HAVE FEELINGS.
Ploobis


Oh… do you believe this is really happening?
Favog


JUST OPEN IT UP, AND GET RIGHT IN…
Ploobis


It’s latched… just a sec…
[ They try to open a big prop trunk, but they have trouble… ]
Favog


YA CAN’T OPEN IT, YOU’RE PUPPETS!
Ploobis


We’ll get it in a minute!
Scred


Just rip it open! You’re strong.
[ They manage to get the trunk open. ]
Scred


Oh, look! Everybody else is already in here! Hiya, Wisss! Haven’t seen you since November.
Ploobis


Oh, look at that.
[ Peuta pops up in the trunk. ]
Peuta


Ploobis! Where have you been?
Ploobis


Oh, it’s been one of those days, Peuta.
Scred


Everybody shove over, we’re comin’ in…
Peuta


Oh! Ploobis! You can’t get in here! There’s no room to breathe!
Ploobis


Peuta… you’re a puppet. You don’t breathe, you’re not alive.
Peuta


What?
Ploobis


Oh, I don’t want to talk about it. Just get down here…
Scred


Oh! Wait a minute, I’m not in yet!
Ploobis


Get in here, Scred… Oh! There’s Vazh… Hi there, Vazh, how are ya…
[ The trunk closes. The Mighty Favog is the only one left. ]
Favog


NOW. IF I COULD JUST TALK THE PRODUCER INTO LETTING ME HOST THE SHOW… RAHHHHRRR…

Gorch Fact

So now they’ve hit on the guest star, the Mighty Favog is telling them to pack it in, and they’ve been put away in a box. You’d probably think that this one would be the last Gorch sketch on Saturday Night Live. But there’s always second chances in show business… and third, and fourth, apparently…

by Danny Horn

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