Chapter 15
The Muppet Morgue
in which old puppets die hard
(September 18, 1976 — host Lily Tomlin)
So, here we are. From the bubbling tarpits to the sulfurous wasteland, from the rotting forest… to the dusty file cabinets. It’s fitting, really, that the story of Gorch should end like this, more whimper than bang.
From the very beginning, Gorch was a story of decay — a failing monarchy uneasily presiding over a bankrupt kingdom. Ploobis had a shrew of a wife, a dropout heir, and an extinct ecosystem. How else could it all end, except with a resigned shrug as it all falls to pieces?
From the point of view of Muppet history, though, I think the important thing about Gorch is not that it failed. The really interesting thing is the dogged tenacity that the Muppet folks showed in these last six sketches, a commitment to entertain even when they fire you and burn down your set. The fact that Henson, Nelson and Oz kept coming back, even after they knew it was over, and that they were still really funny all the way to the end… There’s something romantic about it, in a “the show must go on” kind of way.
It’s September, 1976. The Muppets are moments away from becoming huge international superstars, and I think the final few Gorch sketches really prove why they deserve it. No matter what, the Muppets are always funny.
So, this final sketch, which was performed at the beginning of Saturday Night Live‘s second season… It’s not a last gasp. It’s a victory lap.
| [ The scene: A dusty, forgotten storage room. Grimy file cabinets line the walls. There’s a rattle — and the drawer marked SCRED starts to open. Scred pushes his way out to the open air.] | |
| Scred
|
Uhh… Boy, do I have to go to the bathroom. Feels like I’ve been in storage for months! Hey… What is this place, a morgue? Ohh… wow, a morgue! Hey, boss! Hey, chief! Ploobis! Hey, Ploobis! |
| [ The drawer next to him pushes open, and Peuta emerges. ] | |
| Peuta
|
Ohh! What’s going on? |
| Scred
|
Peuta! Do you know we’ve been dead for three months? |
| Peuta
|
What? How could that be? I was sure we were just on the air. Or was that a dream? |
| Scred
|
No, that was a rerun. |
| [ The drawer marked PLOOBIS rattles… it’s right under Peuta’s drawer, and he’s having a hard time pushing his way out. ] | |
| Ploobis
|
Urrgh. Rrrgh. Raawwwr. |
| Peuta
|
Hey, watch it down there! |
| [ Ploobis struggles — and pushes Peuta’s drawer back against the cabinet. He manages to poke his snout out through a crack. ] | |
| Ploobis
|
Peuta, is that you up there? |
| Peuta
|
Yes! |
| Ploobis
|
Hold your breath! |
| [ She holds her breath — and he squishes her against the cabinet as he gets his head out of the drawer. ] | |
| Scred
|
Hey, boss, it’s you! |
| Ploobis
|
This is a resurrection! There is life after death — and we are the living proof of it, say hallelujah. |
| S & P
|
Hallelujah! |
| Ploobis
|
This has all come about as it was predicted and spoke of in the great book. |
| Scred
|
The Bible? |
| Ploobis
|
No. Bil Baird’s Book of Puppetry. Heh heh. |
| Scred
|
A-men! Yeah, and it also says that the meek — heh heh — shall inherit the earth. |
| Ploobis
|
Not yet, you won’t inherit the earth, you wimp! Hmmph! [ He pushes Scred’s drawer and bangs Scred’s head against the cabinet. ] |
| Peuta
|
Ploobis! Ploobis! Something’s on fire. |
| Ploobis
|
Whuh? Oh… look! |
| [ Smoke drifts out of an open drawer. Wisss slowly pokes his head up. ] | |
| Wisss
|
Heyyyy… Far out! |
| Scred
|
Aw, it’s just a crater head. |
| Wisss
|
Oh, wow, that was some smoke! What’s happenin’? |
| Ploobis
|
Hey, Wisss! Is that you? |
| Wisss
|
It never was, man! Never was… Oh, hey — oh, no! We’re back on the show? |
| Scred
|
Mmm, yeah. And what are we gonna do? |
| Ploobis
|
I don’t know… I think we should ask somebody. |
| Scred
|
Yeah. |
| Ploobis
|
What do you suppose ever happened to The Mighty what’s his face? |
| S, P & W
|
Oh! The Mighty Favog! |
| [ GONNNG! The Mighty Favog stirs from underneath a huge dirty dropcloth. ] | |
| Favog
|
IT IS HUMILIATIN’ TO PUT A DUST COVER UPON YOUR SPIRITUAL GOD. |
| [ Ploobis reaches over and pulls the dropcloth off The Mighty Favog. ] | |
| Favog
|
AWRIIIIGHT! |
| [ Applause ] | |
| Ploobis
|
Oh! Oh, Mighty Favog — |
| Favog
|
TALK TA ME. |
| Ploobis
|
Hey, listen — we’re back on the show. What are we gonna do? |
| Favog
|
LISTEN. THIS MAY BE OUR LAST CHANCE ON THIS SHOW. WE DO WHATEVER THEY WANT. GET IT? |
| All
|
Got it! |
| Favog
|
GOOD. |
| Wisss
|
Man. Whatever they want… |
| [ Guest host Lily Tomlin enters, looking for the Muppets… ] | |
| Scred
|
Oh! |
| Lily
|
Oh, hey! [ She kisses Scred. ] |
| Wisss
|
Dig it, Lily, man! |
| Lily
|
You know, I’ve been so anxious to see you, because… remember the last time we were together? |
| Scred
|
Oh, yeah — I wouldn’t forget. |
| Lily
|
Oh, it was terrific… you know, I’ve been reading about your new show, The Muppet Show… |
| Wisss
|
Oh, yeah. They won’t let us work on that. Naw, that’s family entertainment. |
| Lily
|
Family entertainment? Aren’t you family entertainment? |
| Scred
|
Hell, yes! |
| [ Applause ] | |
| Ploobis
|
Hey, well, listen, we’d be happy to do anything with you, Lily… |
| Wisss
|
Oh, yeah, anything, man! |
| Lily
|
Oh. Well, I thought maybe we could sing a song… |
| All
|
Oh, yeah, yeah! |
| Lily
|
How about “Whistle a Happy Tune”? |
| All
|
Oh, nice! Yeah! |
| Lily
|
I could start… and when the whistling starts, you can just join in and start whistling. |
| Wisss
|
Uhhh… |
| Lily
|
You can whistle, can’t you? |
| Ploobis
|
Uhhh… urrrg… |
| Favog
|
YES! THEY CAN WHISTLE! |
| All
|
Oh, yeah! Yeah! We can whistle! |
| Lily
|
Okay![ Piano music starts, and Lily sings: ]
Whenever I feel afraid, I hold my head erect, And whistle a happy tune, So no one will suspect I’m afraid… |
| [ Lily starts to whistle. The Muppets all try to join in, but none of them can whistle. They gamely blow with all their might. The Mighty Favog just scrunches his face up and makes farting noises. ] | |
| Favog
|
KEEP GOIN’! WE CAN DO IT. |
| Lily
|
Uh. Well, that’s all right. No, listen, really… whistling’s not that important. Uh. Well, I’ll think of something else for us to do, uh… |
| Scred
|
But, wait! Does that mean I’ll have to send back your picture? |
| Lily
|
What? |
| Scred
|
Uh… You mean, that’s it? |
| Lily
|
What? |
| Scred
|
That’s it? |
| Ploobis
|
Well, okay, guys… |
| Lily
|
I mean, nothing is just, that’s it, I mean, I’m sorry you can’t whistle… |
| [ Lily walks off the set, muttering to herself. ] | |
| Peuta
|
Well… Don’t call us, we’ll call you! |
| Favog
|
BACK INTA THE BOX… |
| [ The Muppets squish back into their drawers. ] |
Gorch Fact
And that, my friends, is the true and complete history of the Land of Gorch. Isn’t it kind of fitting that they end their last sketch with the guest star forgetting the punchline and just walking offstage?
So farewell, sweet Gorch. Your time on this earth was brief, but Muppet fans will always remember you. I got you, babe. Obladi oblada.
by Danny Horn
