The Decline and Fall of Gorch, Chapter Seven

Published: July 7, 2002
Categories: Uncategorized

7ploobisChapter 7
You’re Still Drunk!

in which Ploobis and Scred hit the sauce
(December 13, 1975 — host Richard Pryor)

[ King Ploobis is guzzling wine straight from the bottle. ]
Ploobis


Urrgh. I’m retired and I wanna go to bed…
[ Queen Peuta enters, wearing a hairnet, shrieking as always. ]
Peuta


PLOOBIS!
Ploobis


Uhhh… I just changed my mind on that.
Peuta


COME to BED!
Ploobis


Don’t tell me what ta do!
Peuta


You’re still DRUNK!
Ploobis


And you’re still ugly! We’re even. Hah.
[ Peuta stalks off. ]
Ploobis


We’re even. Ha hah.
[ Scred enters. ]
Scred


Shoop shoop — ah, hiya, chief! I got the ice and the beer nuts, but they’re all outta lampshades.
Ploobis


Lissen, Scred, have a drink — I hate ta drink alone, Scred.
Scred


Awww, no, no, I’m seein’ double already!
Ploobis


Well then, both of you have a drink!
[ Ploobis grabs Scred, twists his head up and pours from the bottle down Scred’s neck. ]
Scred


Waagghh!
Ploobis


There ya go. That’s drinkin’ like a man, Scred. Drunk like a man.
Scred


Ahhh, you forget what planet you’re on. That’s drinking like a snerch! Hee he hee.
Ploobis


Oh, yeah, I forget how much those snerches drink. Yes indeed.
Scred


Hey, ya know, you should —
[ Ploobis notices that Scred’s arm is still hooked around the wine bottle. ]
Ploobis


Hey, yer caught on me there, Scred! Leggo of me!
Scred


I don’t want it… [ They manage to disentangle themselves. ] Yeah, you shouldn’t drink, though. Yeah! You should just lay offa that stuff!
Ploobis


Awright. [ He points at the bottle. ] You’re FIRED! Ya get that, I laid off the stuff, ya see that? Ah ha hah! Oh, yes indeed.
Scred


Oh, yeah, sure. Hm.
Ploobis


Yeah, Scred?
Scred


Hmm?
Ploobis


Scred?
Scred


Yeah?
Ploobis


Ya know why I drink?
Scred


No.
Ploobis


It’s because I hate myself.
Scred


Ohhh! That explains why I drink! I hate you too!
Ploobis


Scred! [ POW! ]
Scred


Actually, I’m only kidding. You’re my very favorite!
Ploobis


Rruhhr?
Scred


Yeah. I just love bloated green things.
Ploobis


Scred! I like you too, see, Scred. I like the way your neck and my hand are a perfect fit. [ He grabs Scred’s neck and squeezes. ] Rrrmmrrrahhhrrr!
Scred


Glug — how convenient!
Ploobis


Nrrr. Wait a minute, Scred. Wait a minute.
Scred


What?
Ploobis


Why don’t, why don’t, why don’t, listen. Why don’t, why don’t, why don’t we go see The Mighty Favog.
Scred


Aw, no! I gotta better idea!
Ploobis


What’s that?
Scred


Why don’t we go see The Mighty Favog?
Ploobis


That’s a good idea! Let’s do that, c’mon, let’s go. Oop, it’s not that way, it’s the other way. Here we go.
Scred


Show me the way to go home…
[ GONNNGG! The Mighty Favog is revealed. ]
Favog


DIS IS THE MIGHTY FAVOG.
Ploobis


That is The Mighty Favog!
Scred


Yeah, it sure is! Hee hee hee. Hey, Mighty Favog! Me and my little dog Toto here wanna go back to Kansas!
Ploobis


Har har har! Woof woof! Ha hah.
Favog


… YOU GUYS BEEN HITTIN’ THE SAUCE AGAIN.
Scred


Aw, we just had a coupla drinks!
Ploobis


Yeah, yeah, lighten it up there, stone face!
Scred


Stone face! Oh, yeah, he’s got a face that would stop a clock!
Favog


STONE FACE? THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE FACE OF THE LORD THY GOD IN VAIN!
[ KEE-RASH! There’s a clap of lightning and thunder. Ploobis and Scred quiver in fear. ]
Favog


HEH. THE MIGHTY OZ HAS SPOKEN.
[ Favog nods, satisfied. ]

illustration by Chris Smigliano

Gorch Fact

Hey, did you catch Scred’s line about Ploobis forgetting what planet he’s on? I think that might be the only time that they actually refer to Gorch as being on a different planet.

And yeah, the last line is “The Mighty Oz.” Go figure.

by Danny Horn

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