Four years ago, our nation was on the brink of change. As election season neared, we raised our voices in debate to choose a new President. And although not everyone agreed on who would take his seat in the Oval Office, we did come together to support our new Commander-in-Chief, whose first term is ending this year. Sadly, our sitting President has opted not to run for a second term, and it’s time for us to elect a successor to President Ernie.
As you may recall, back in 2008, Ernie and his running mate Bert ran for President against Gobo Fraggle and his running mate Red. The competition was fierce, but the Sesame Street residents eked ahead of the Fraggles and took their place in the White House. And now that Super Tuesday is upon us again, it’s time to choose a new President to lead us through the next four years.
Representing the denizens of Sesame Street is Grover, with his running mate Cookie Monster. And on the other side of the aisle, The Great Gonzo will be running with Rizzo the Rat by his side. To help you to become a well-informed voter, ToughPigs’ own Joe Hennes will be writing in support of Grover/Cookie Monster, while ToughPigs’ own Anthony Strand will be backing the Gonzo/Rizzo ticket. To give each side equal time, we will present our cases for each candidate, followed by our reasoning against our opponents.
The debates will stretch throughout the week, and then we will open the polls for you to vote for whomever you’d like to see as your next President. The polls will close at 9:00pm on Tuesday, November 6, which coincidentally happens to be the same time they close for the real Presidential election. What a coincidence!
So without further ado, let the debates begin!
My fellow Muppet fans! There have been monsters residing in the White House before, but none like these. I humbly submit for your approval the next blue President and Vice President (after James K. Polk, who had an unfortunate skin condition): Grover and Cookie Monster! Grover is the superhero our country needs, and Cookie Monster has a strong appetite for governmental affairs. These two are truly fuzzy and red, white, and blue.
The key word in this year’s election is “Jobs”. And nobody knows more about job creation than Grover, who has worked as a waiter, camp counselor, doctor, daredevil, elevator operator, farmer, lifeguard, lumberjack, door-to-door salesman, superhero, professor, and dozens of others. If anyone knows how to finally solve the problem of unemployment, it’s Grover the go-getter. Whereas Grover understands the logistics of new jobs, Cookie Monster has held down a steady job as a professional eater for well over 40 years (with the occasional stint as a cultural anthology TV show host).
Who better to front the battle for our educational system than the two monsters who have been teaching our youngsters about their letters and numbers since 1969? Grover has championed such causes as “Near and Far“, friendship, and ethical animal treatment. Meanwhile, Cookie Monster has made it his personal quest to increase our knowledge of the alphabet, including such classics as M, D, and of course, the ever-popular C. He has extended this task into his “Letter of the Day” campaign, his other “Letter of the Day” campaign, and in animated form with the “Letter Song Series“. Frankly (slightly obscure pun intended), if this is what Cookie Monster can accomplish with the alphabet, just think of what he can do with the American public school system!
When you have questions about the environment, you’ve got to ask an expert. Thankfully, we have an expert in our midst with Camp Counselor Grover, who has been a professional outdoorsman at Camp Wannagohoma. When his campers need to know which part of the tree is the branch and which part is the trunk, Counselor Grover thinks he knows! When his campers aren’t sure which is alive: a boot or a flower, Counselor Grover makes his very best guess! And when his campers can’t tell the difference between an island and a cheeseburger, only Counselor Grover has the answers, probably. And as you can tell from the video links in the last few sentences, Grover is also very good at learning something new from his campers as well.
As I’m sure you recall, this is not Grover and Cookie Monster’s first time at the rodeo. Back in 1988, while George Bush Sr. and Michael Dukakis sparred for the Oval Office, our two monsters entered their names into the ring for the President of Sesame Place. Cookie Monster ran under the “A Cookie in Every Jar” banner, while Grover’s motto was “Vote Grover for a Super President”. Inspiring sentiments indeed. And it is admirable that Grover didn’t ride the coattails of Thomas Jefferson, whom he assisted in writing the actual for-real Declaration of Independence, or his connection to former President Grover Cleveland (no relation). Although Big Bird ended up winning the popular vote, Grover and Cookie Monster have enough constituents to give them a fighting chance once again. It worked for former Sesame Place Presidential nominees Ernie and Bert.
As “Global Grover“, Grover has traveled to over 30 countries, from Angola to Trinidad. In fact, no Muppet has done as much world traveling as Grover, making him the honest-to-goodness best candidate to build foreign relations and unify this big, big world of ours. I mean, seriously. Global Grover. It’s Grover, all over the world. I can’t even find more words to tell you how perfect he is for this category. He’s the best monster to reach out his hand and say “How Do You Do” to foreign leaders, ambassadors, emissaries, Prime Ministers, and royalty.
The Grover/Cookie ticket is at a distinct advantage in the Health Care category because, as some may not know, they are both doctors. Dr. Cookie Monster doesn’t practice very often, but when he does, he makes personal house calls, full checkups, and only charges one apple as his fee! Meanwhile, Dr. Grover has donned his stethoscope on Scrubs, “A’s Anatomy“, and in an Entertainment Weekly video (well, that Doctor doesn’t use a stethoscope as much as a Sonic Screwdriver). These monsters have the experience needed to provide us with the best health care cookies can buy!
Grover will most assuredly be welcoming to any immigrants who choose to go around, around, around, around, over, under, or through our borders. I mean, he’s kind of an expert.
Not only are our candidates accomplished politicians and doctors, but they have also joined those elite few astronauts who have touched the moon and looked down at the earth from above. Cookie Monster built his own rocket ship and traveled to the moon in the name of scientific curiosity. He is also close, personal friends with Buzz Aldrin, with whom he shared a professional discourse regarding the chemical makeup of lunar satellites. Grover has been in outer space several times, most notably in the 1976 Sesame Street calendar, in which he became the first man (or, monster) to set foot on the moon. He then starred in his very own video game as Astro-Grover, the monster responsible for making first contact with extraterrestrial life: The Zips from planet Zap. Neither monster takes our pursuit of space travel lightly, despite the lower gravity.
Click here to vote for Super Grover on Super Tuesday on the ToughPigs forum!
by Joe Hennes – Joe@ToughPigs.com