The Jim Henson Hour: Monster Telethon, Part Five

Published: July 5, 2003
Categories: Uncategorized

The Jim Henson Hour
Monster Telethon, Part 5:
The Weatherbear

Cast: Jim Henson (Kermit), Frank Oz (Fozzie Bear), Dave Goelz (Gonzo), Kevin Clash (Leon).

    

 

 

 

[ In the studio, Gonzo watches the end of the soap opera, and sighs. ]

 

Gonzo

 

Pfft. Brother. 

 

Leon

 

Gonzo… are you upset about something?

 

Gonzo

 

Well, Kermit put THAT on the air instead of my chickens! 

 

Leon

 

Urgh! I can do better than THAT!

 

Gonzo

 

Sure! But, then, Kermit’s the guy in charge… 

 

Leon

 

Say… who PUT Kermit in charge?

 

Gonzo

 

I don’t know… 

 

[ Leon gives Gonzo a shifty look. ]

 

Leon

 

Are you thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’? 

 

Gonzo

 

… Naw …

 

Leon

 

Neither am I. Nah.

 

  [ Digit comes by on roller skates. Kermit is chasing him. ]

 

Kermit

 

Okay, Digit, stand by with Fozzie Bear — Digit! Wait a second, there… 

 

Leon

 

Excuse me, Kermit! 

 

Kermit

 

Uh… just a second, guys, I’ll be with you in a minute, uh… Go ahead and cue Fozzie now. 

 

  [ Digit presses a button on his remote. ]

 

Fozzie

 

Oh — here it is! The doorway to my future. He must be right in there — the king of TV weathermen — Willard Scott! Oh, my behavior must be dignified, yet casual. Respectful, yet relaxed.

 

Willard

 

[ coming up behind him: ]  Hi there!

 

Fozzie

 

Whaaaaa! 

 

Willard

 

Hey! It’s the funniest face on television — except for Gene Shalit, of course — Fozzie Bear! What can I do for ya? 

 

Fozzie

 

Oh, Mr Scott, sir — I am here to learn how to be a TV weatherman, just like you!

 

Willard

 

Well, that’s very flattering, Fozzie, thank you very much.

 

Fozzie

 

I’ve got my very own pointy weatherstick here, see?  

 

Willard

 

Right… 

 

Fozzie

 

And I also have a toupee… 

 

Willard

 

Right…

 

Fozzie

 

Yeah, what more could a weatherbear need, sir? 

 

Willard

 

I don’t think you need much! You’re on your way to TV stardom! Pretty soon, you’ll be getting fruitcakes from your adoring public! 

 

Fozzie

 

Fruitcakes.

 

Willard

 

Yeah. You see, they don’t pay me here. I live like a KING on the fruitcake of strangers! Would you like a piece?

 

Fozzie

 

Oh, yes, SIR!  

 

Willard

 

I got some in here that are real beauts… They’re almost like antiques! Maybe three or four dollars in value!

 

Fozzie

 

Wow!

 

Willard

 

[ going into the Fruitcake Archives: ]  Uh, Foz?

 

Fozzie

 

Yes? 

 

Willard

 

The light’s burned out…

 

Fozzie

 

Oh…

 

Willard

 

Could you do me a favor?

 

Fozzie

 

Yeah? 

 

Willard

 

Would you hold the door?

 

Fozzie

 

Oh, sure…

 

[ The door slams shut. ]

 

Fozzie

 

… You mean NOW. 

 

[ Fozzie tries the door — it’s locked. ]

 

Fozzie

 

Oh, no… Do you have the keys?

 

Willard

 

[ inside: ]  Yeah, Foz… I’ve got ’em right here in my… hand…

 

Fozzie

 

Ohhh… uh, uh, don’t panic, I’ll go get help! Oh… 

 

Willard

 

[ inside: ]  Make it fast, Foz!

 

    

 

 

 

[ Jane Pauley is at the Today Show desk. ] 

 

Jane

 

Welcome back to Today. It’s time for the weather… with Fozzie Bear? 

 

Fozzie

 

Help! Help! Help! Willard is — [ He stops short. ] — Is that camera ON? 

 

Jane

 

It certainly is!

 

Fozzie

 

Ahhhhh-hhhh! Good morning, America! 

 

Jane

 

Watch your LANGUAGE, Fozzie! Now, what were you saying?

 

Fozzie

 

Oh, uh… Nothing. Nothing. Except, uh — I am your new weatherbear! See, I got my pointy stick and everything.  

 

Jane

 

That’s very professional, but… isn’t that Willard’s job?

 

Fozzie

 

No. No. Uh… funny you should ask, uh, Willard could not make it, uh, he told me to take over. 

 

Jane

 

Wait a minute. Where’s Willard?

 

  [ Fozzie goes to the weather map. ] 

 

Fozzie

 

Hi! I’m your new weatherbear! Ha ha ha. And — [ He gets a look at the confusing map ] — HO-LY COW… Uh… Oh! Ha ha! Well, I guess, as you can plainly see, there’s, uh… well, there’s all this white stuff over here… and, oh — cute little pennants up here… and there’s a giant L over here near Nebraska! All you people in Nebraska — you STAY in your HOMES until we can find a way to get the L out of there! Ah ha ha ha ha! Yeah. Well. Um. Now, over here — 

 

 

 

[ Willard busts through the map. ]

 

Fozzie

 

… We have a man with a fruitcake…  

 

[ Fozzie puts his head in his hands and whimpers. ] 

 

Willard

 

Awww, Fozzie… Fozzie, I’m afraid you’re just not cut out to be a weatherbear. 

 

Fozzie

 

No… ohhh… 

 

Willard

 

But, listen, I’ve found some great stuff in my closet that I think you are going to love.  

 

Fozzie

 

What? 

 

Willard

 

Take a look at this… A big nose with glasses? 

 

Fozzie

 

Oh! Yes!  

 

Willard

 

And a slightly used whoopee cushion… 

 

Fozzie

 

Oh! My old friend! 

 

Willard

 

And wait a minute… I saved the best for last, baby! This is it! A hilarious banana peel!  

 

Fozzie

 

Now, THAT’s funny! 

 

[ Willard whips off his toupee and mugs for the camera. Fozzie does the same. ]

 

Willard

 

Wocka wocka! 

 

Fozzie

 

Wocka wocka! 

 

Willard

 

Wocka wocka! 

 

Fozzie

 

Wocka wocka! Ah ha ha ha! 

 

 

 

 

[ Back to the studio. ] 

 

Gonzo

 

He’s never going to go along with this! 

 

Leon

 

Ssssh! Ready? 

 

Gonzo

 

Yes…

 

Kermit

 

Did you guys want to talk to me about something? 

 

Leon

 

Yes, we do, cuz! Has anyone ever suggested that a few more people should have a hand in running this show?

 

Kermit

 

How do you mean? 

 

Gonzo

 

Well… letting someone else have a turn.

 

Kermit

 

Well, that’s a good idea. 

 

    

Leon

 

Now, before you reject this out of hand, uh… what did you say? 

 

Kermit

 

I said, that’s a great idea! I don’t know why I’ve never thought of it myself! You know, I could use the time away.  

 

Gonzo

 

Away? B-b-but… where would you go?

 

Kermit

 

Oh, well, uh… See that up there? Doesn’t that look nice? 

 

Gonzo

 

Yeah…

 

Kermit

 

I tell you what, guys. Have fun, keep the ratings up, and don’t forget to roll the credits when you’re through. 

 

 

 

[ Kermit exits. ]

 

Gonzo

 

‘Kay. Bon voyage. 

 

Leon

 

GREAT!  

 

Gonzo

 

Yeah! 

 

Leon

 

He bought it! Yes! Yes! Ha ha ha. 

 

Gonzo

 

Uh, Leeee-on…  

 

Leon

 

Yeah? 

 

Gonzo

 

Uh… what do we do now? 

 

[ They look at each other… then up at the monitor. On the monitor, Kermit enters a beautiful beach scene. ] 

 

Kermit

 

Oh, this is great. Peace and quiet.  

 

[ As Kermit gets settled, Gonzo and Leon stare at the camera. They have no idea what to do next. ]

 

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